SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Here's the situation: my WW is very unconfortable with confrontation which is one of the contributing factors of her A. She is also incapable of sympathizing with me or understanding the pain she has caused me. I took a page out of her book and since she was not meeting my need for emotional support I started looking for it elsewhere. I set up an online dating profile strictly to make friends and chat with women about relationship issues. My wife was not opening up to me at all and I wanted a female perspective. I also posted a pic to see how it was received from the local dating community... hoping for a bit of an ego boost. I knew that my wife or one of her friends might see my profile. I wasn't worried about it though. I figured if my WW sees it she'll ask me about it and then I can explain. However, I know that her friend saw my profile and notified my WW two weeks ago now and my WW has not said a word. It may be that she is affraid of confronting me about it and wants to avoid a potentially ugly conversation, but I don't know what's really going through her head. Maybe she is thinking, "Well, if he's going to date, I might as well go back to cheating on him too."

I guess my question is, should I be annoyed that my WW has not asked me about this stupid online dating profile of mine? I'm not using it to date or to cheat on her but she may be thinking that and may use it to justify cheating on me.

I will probably just bring it up to her that I was chatting with women on a dating site to get some much needed emotional support and see if she admits to knowing about it previously.

I took a page out of her book and since she was not meeting my need for emotional support I started looking for it elsewhere. I set up an online dating profile strictly to make friends and chat with women about relationship issues.

BAD, bad move. You just lowered yourself to her level on the playing field.

A dating profile? For a female perspective? Really?

Dude. What you've done is about 1000 kinds of wrong.

And the reasons that you have given for doing it are crappy justifications. Bottom line, I think you did it to make your wife jealous. Not.Cool....also very foolish.

Go to your WW, tell her that you did something stupid. Tell her that you joined a dating site to engage in conversations with females. Tell her you are sorry and that isn't the proper way to handle things. Show her your dating site profile, let her read any messages or chats that you had.....and then delete the damn thing.

Do you realize how this seems?If a woman I was with told me this story I would think they are full of shit.

If true, you were at best trolling for an EA.

[This message edited by wonderpets at 9:09 AM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

I will probably just bring it up to her that I was chatting with women on a dating site to get some much needed emotional support and see if she admits to knowing about it previously.

This is the best way to handle this. You need to bring it up.

My question to you though, is why did it have to be a dating site? There are plenty of other sites out there that you go to for special interests, like meetup.com They have meetup groups for almost anything from political interests to book clubs to sports interests?

Even though you have good boundaries and YOU know you wouldn't have done anything she could look at that as you want to date (as you've already said)

The best thing to do is shut down your profile on that site, sit down with your wife and explain why you were there and what you need from your wife.

I understand that she doesn't like confrontation but if you say it in a very calm and soft manner it may not come across as confrontational and it my relax her a bit to be able to open up herself a bit more.

Whoismywife,

If she can't sympathize with you or understand the pain she's caused you, then (gently) how are you in R?

Rather than trying to get her attention through jealousy (unhealthy), be honest about the situation and file for divorce. Value yourself too much to stay with a woman who shows you no love or respect.

I understand your hurt and pain, even the loneliness right now.

IMO you crossed a line and have no right being upset your WW hasn't asked about your online dating profile.

If you are going to go outside the marriage for support then hop on into the wayward pool.

What you did was childish and mean. It definitely does not support R.

It's interesting isn't it? As BS's, we feel so hurt and betrayed among all the other raging emotions that swell through us after a spouse has an affair. The secrets that were told to us by the WS's. They hurt so much. And our first reaction, is at times, to turn the tables on them. There is a great difference in playing cards close to your chest and having secrets. One is to protect yourself. The other is to hide things. We all have the ability to make connections that are honest and open, and the internet isn't the way to do it. I don't believe that your spouse is the only one who can not handle confrontation. You are basically crying out that you need emotional support, and your spouse can't or isn't willing to supply that at this time. But going behind their back, without a true care about what they may think or feel, because what you need is what you need, regardless of them, is hurtful.I understand that you are probably looking to seek out others who may have had similar experiences, but is a 'dating" site really the way to go? What message are you really trying to send? No, I think you are trying to get a rise out of your spouse because every other avenue you have tried had felt like it has failed. You are looking for an emotional affair, looking for someone to connect with because your spouse isn't connecting with you the way you feel you need to be connected with. Instead of confronting her on WHY SHE never brought up something you THINK she knows about, why don't you have an honest conversation with yourself, and then with her, about how you are ready to give up. Because that is what this reads like. You are done, but do not want to take responsibility for the end of things.

I know. The consensus is that the person who got cheated on is supposed to be the bigger person, be full of integrity, and rebuild their shattered self-esteem over years of introspective work, meditation and yoga.

It's a lot quicker to heal by finding someone interesting and attractive that seems to get you and doesn't think you're a worthless bag of shit.

Yes, I wanted to make a local female friend. Someone that maybe had gone through something similar. Where else am I going to find someone like that but on a dating site? Are there local chat rooms for infidelity survivors? I don't have any female friends and even if I did I probably wouldn't want them knowing about the trouble in my marriage.

Anyway... I don't know why I'm supposed to be the bigger person. So that I can feel morally superior to my WW and hold it over her for the rest of our lives? To be honest, she'd probably be happy if I had my own affair.

She is also incapable of sympathizing with me or understanding the pain she has caused me.

Incapable or unwilling? I am empathy-challenged, but I'm working hard now to understand BH's pain. When I was having the A, and immediately afterward, I was incapable. Just sayin'

Thinking about having an RA is, I think, a natural reaction to betrayal. Chatting with other women on a dating site for emotional support? Congratulations, WIMW, you just had an EA!

Hoping for an ego boost? Yeah, me too, worked out fucking fantastic.

It's a lot quicker to heal by finding someone interesting and attractive that seems to get you and doesn't think you're a worthless bag of shit.

No it isn't.

That's just covering up the pain with someone new, bright, and shiny.......who also probably comes with their own special-brand of drama.

It's a lot quicker to heal by finding someone interesting and attractive that seems to get you and doesn't think you're a worthless bag of shit.

No it isn't. It's unhealthy and wrong, period.

If you need to find someone new, lawyer up and leave.

DeeplyScared: you're right, my apologies, the label is his own to give himself.

EDITED to rephrase:

Isn't chatting with other women, in search of emotional support, an EA? If so, you might consider changing your signature and joining the (morally inferior) WS club.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 9:34 AM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

I think you are trying to get a rise out of your spouse because every other avenue you have tried had felt like it has failed.

I think this is on point.

Rather than trying to get her attention through jealousy (unhealthy), be honest about the situation and file for divorce. Value yourself too much to stay with a woman who shows you no love or respect.

This is good advice too. In fact, just a couple weeks ago I did tell my WW that I'm sick of the way she treats me and that I want out. That was enough to make her stop treating me like shit, but I still don't get the emotional support I need. I think my WW will one day be capable of feeling something for someone else so I don't want to throw in the towel just yet... but what do I do in the meantime? Maybe I am looking for an EA, but IMO that's a lot more acceptable, especially under the circumstances, than my WW letting another guy fuck her in the back of his car instead of coming to talk to me about our marrital problems.

20WrongsVs1...

Please do not start applying labels to members.

Thank you.

I think my WW will one day be capable of feeling something for someone else

What makes you believe this?

I believe my wife will develop a capacity for sympathy/empathy because of the marked change in her attitude as of the last two weeks after I suggested divorce.

Failing that, if she thinks that what I've done on the dating site is an EA and it hurts her, then maybe that will shake her up just enough to realize how much pain she caused me.

By the way... this is the second time I've come across the term Madhatter. What does that mean?

I edited my way-too-harsh post to remove the term. I'm relatively new here, but madhatter means both you and your spouse have cheated on each other.

Let me just encourage you not to have an RA (revenge affair). An EA that became a PA was my cheap, cowardly solution to my M problems, and it has been very, very costly.

I see. Thank you for the definition. No offense taken but I appreciate the edit anyway.

Just one more thought about the RA. Again... why do I have to take the high road?? If my WW continues to be incredibly cold, defensive, apathetic, etc and isn't doing anything to work on herself, then why is getting even such a bad thing? She ripped out my heart. If there's a chance that she even has a shred of love for me but won't help to fix our marriage, why not give her a taste of her own medicine? I know what Gandhi said but so what? An eye for an eye unless you work for forgiveness.