SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have no one to talk to about this. No family. No close friends.

My wife was my sole emotional support. I confided everything in her. I thought she was my best friend.

I have a very high stress and demanding job. We have one small child. We have been married for 4 years and together for 7. Our marriage in my mind has been mostly good with ups and downs more stressful of late because of all the work that I have been doing. I have been working 4 jobs to pay the bills and my wife does not work to stay at home with our kid.

We are starting a business together next week with big financial implications for what remains of the tatters of our family.

Two weeks ago I saw a suspicious text from a friend of hers. I confronted her about it and she denied anything was going on. Through some detective work (nothing fancy) I found out that indeed something was going on. I learned the details of the affair. It had been going on for close to 9 months.

The other guy was married with a kid and he and my wife would sneak off for secret rendezvous all over town, while I worked and while his wife worked. Things got more intense over time until they declared their love for one another.

They would go to places (parks, waterfalls) together that are the same places my family would go on our special family days. They would frequent places where my family would go when we went out. So disrespectful. And they did a lot of other things beyond sex that makes me question what kind of a person my wife (whom I loved dearly and trusted implicitly) even is. Evil, hurtful, disrespectful things towards me and his wife.

His wife and I spoke about what was going on at length and interviewed our spouses separately. Over time, the truth slowly came out after a series of half-truths, minimalizations, and fabrications.

Both have now decided to end this affair.

I am absolutely broken. Just gutted.

I have only cried a few times in my adult life but I can't stop crying now. I have never gone to internet in search of support but I have no one else to turn to. The only support system in my life is the person who betrayed and hurt me the most.

I just need to know that there is someone out there who understands what I am going through.

I go from being enraged to depressed to a sobbing heap. This is not who I am. I am a high functioning, confident, steely eyed achiever.

I can't imagine ever being able to trust my wife again. She has shattered the core of me as a man by the things she has done. My self-esteem, my confidence, my world-view, my faith in people all upended.

But I can't bare the thought of going through all of this alone. Or being alone.

And my poor son. He doesn't deserve any of this. He is a sweet, innocent, happy boy. He is the most beautiful little kid. Bright eyes, adorable laugh. My parents were divorced when I was young and it was an excruciating and painful experience that no doubt scars me to this day. I can't do that to my little boy. But how can I trust this woman?

How can I get these weighty toxins out of my chest?

Can I ever feel better? Is anyone even reading this?

Do not offer R until you've had time to think this through. Putting all your happiness, etc in her is a problem.

Read up on codependency.

Also read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download.

I am feeling all of these emotions too. Can so relate..sad, to anger, sobbing...I'm feeling the exact same way. Not sure who this man was that was out having an affair. He certainly wasn't the man I was married to. I did start IC. I would suggest this for you as well. I'm so sorry that you are having to go thru this.

How did she decide to end the affair? Because you caught her, or because other man threw her under the bus, or she just decided it's just time to end it?

Is the business a long-term plan, or did you decide this after the affair?

You are only two weeks in, and if this was an "I love you" soulmate affair like your wife had, this is about the time that she would be pining for the other man and ready to re-start the affair. Be aware.

I suggest that it might be the time for her to start getting a job.

Did she get tested for STDs and pregnancy tests yet?

[This message edited by wk55hn at 8:24 PM, October 25th (Tuesday)]

I go from being enraged to depressed to a sobbing heap. This is not who I am. I am a high functioning, confident, steely eyed achiever.

I can relate to this so very much. This mess our waywards have created for us can change us into people we never thought we could become.

I'm fairly new to the process and it's been fairly rocky for me lately, so I feel I can't really offer advice. I've been told to focus on functioning and being healthy (eat, sleep, exercise) and find a good therapist to start individual counseling.

Just know you have been heard and you are not alone.

Thank you. I will read about codependency. I am familiar with the term but don't know much about it.

Thank you for your kind words and commiseration in searchof me.

She ended it because she got caught. And the guy wants to stay with his wife. She says she wants to stay with me too. But who knows what she really feels.

I have been planning this business for over a year. She is integral to the business. And the location of the business is based on her wishes not my own. I deferred to her as a courtesy.

She needed to get a job years ago. I actually pay for my son to go to private school and after she dropped him there is when she would meet the other guy. Very cruel.

No chance she's pregnant. And I think she already gave me an STD. I'm on antibiotics as I write this.

Although this is a club that nobody wants to join, you've come to the right place. You can vent, receive encouragement and ask for advice here. You are understood and your aren't alone.

You've been hit by the unimaginable and it is disorienting along with being incredibly painful. Please take a look around to help educate yourself and quickly gain perspective on how to survive what has just happened. The Healing Library (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq.asp) is a great starting point and the FAQ for Betrayed Spouses is exceptionally helpful.

My parents were divorced when I was young and it was an excruciating and painful experience that no doubt scars me to this day.

You'll want to look closely at this because those scars can have unexpected consequences. I was shocked at how they unexpectedly snuck up on me.

When I was growing up, my parents were fighting and constantly on the edge of a separation or divorce. It also left its scars and I vowed to have a marriage that wasn't like that. I pursued having a loving, peaceful marriage. I poured myself into my wife and, like you, she was my sole emotional support and best friend. I did everything to I could to make her happy not realizing that it is possible to be too loving and too kind. It set me up to be used and manipulated by my wife and the OM (other man). The book that has already been suggested ("No More Mr. Nice Guy") was a huge eye opener for me. It might be for you as well.

How can I get these weighty toxins out of my chest?

Unfortunately, a huge part of it is time. Being betrayed is an emotional trauma. A HUGE trauma that sits invisible below the surface. But make no mistake, it is a major deal. If it were a physical injury, you'd be in ICU. Your healing is going to take time, so give yourself permission to feel what you do and for it to be OK. Let the tears come out. Within weeks, the anger will come. Let that out too, but be mindful to do so in constructive ways.

Other than allowing yourself to walk forward through the emotions, the best thing you can do is surround yourself with support. You've found this place and it can be extremely helpful. Finding an IC (individual counselor) who is skilled with infidelity and trauma would be another good move. If you have anyone else in your life who is very empathetic, good at listening and cares for you, they would also be an excellent candidate at providing support.

how can I trust this woman?

You currently shouldn't. Trust is earned and it is going to take a very long time for her to be consistent in her actions before you should consider trusting her. "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" would give you and her some idea of what the path ahead should look like.

Even more important, the affair revealed deep character gaps in her and those don't just disappear. She needs to see herself as broken and then she will need to want to work on fixing herself. She will very likely need the help of an IC to discover what her deeply hidden character gaps are and then will need to do extensive work to change herself. Until she does, she isn't a safe partner for you.

I can't do that to my little boy.

You didn't do anything. Your wife did. She burned your marriage to the ground. And you can't rebuild it alone. She has to prove herself to be reconciliation material in order for it to work.

Can I ever feel better?

It doesn't seem like it right now, but you can survive this, heal and feel better. For now, take a bit of comfort in knowing that you aren't alone and that you have a safe place to vent, process and gain strength.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 9:09 PM, October 25th (Tuesday)]

Griz,

Forget the business. it would be madness to go into a business with a known cheat.

Your life just took a sudden dramatic detour. You will need your wits and energy to work through your situation.

We have all been where you currently sit. Unbearable pain.

Your distress shows a kind and caring person under the steely eyed macho man. That a good thing.

Look after yourself with hydration and exercise. Try and engage in actions and words that you will proud of when you look back.

keep reading and posting.

I was a devastated and broken as any. Thought it was the worst thing imaginable. Now I think it may have been the best thing in my life.

To truly understand a thing you must be unattached to it.

Forget the business. it would be madness to go into a business with a known cheat.

Your life just took a sudden dramatic detour. You will need your wits and energy to work through your situation.

Qft.

So the other guy is a stay at home dad and his wife supports him? Or he works a swing shift or overnight? Is he a father in your child's school? How did your wife become "friends" with him?

I suggest asking your wife to handwrite a no contact letter stating she wants no contact with other man, she regrets her betrayal of you, she wants to work on the marriage, and if he contacts her she will consider it harassment. This has little value in actually stopping contact, but it does give you a little insight into your wife's attitude.

Does your wife know about the STD, coming from her through her "friend"? By your post, it appears she is not being tested or treated. Is that true? If so, why not?

What was her reason for cheating?

Remain constant in your confidence in yourself and your values. Her cheating is nothing you did, it is all on her. You have faults, she has faults, but your values are solid, hers are not.

The step to move forward is to, if you want to consider reconciling, make sure the affair is dead. Like I said, about two weeks in is when the soulmates start needing each other, they need the validation, the attention, the feel-good feelings telling each other "we are not bad people, we just did bad things, but it was worth it because it was 'love.' " Consider getting a voice-activated recorder for her car or the house where she likely would talk to him when she was alone in the house, use it for two weeks, see what happens. Either you feel good that she really did stop it or you find out she is still contacting him.

The next step is to find the full truth. It seems you have enough of it, I can't imagine any additional truth would change the nature of that affair. It is as bad as it can be, with STDs to boot.

The last step is to move forward, reconciling of divorce. You only need you to divorce, it requires both you and her to reconcile. Is she willing and able to try to reconcile?

It might be worth it to consult with an attorney about what a divorce might look like to you, and also the financial statements of the new business, any implications of the new business in a possible future divorce in the next year or two.

If you can get out of the business at this late stage, then do it. Otherwise, maybe if she gets involved, it will help both her and the marriage. I am guessing it can't get much worse.

Have you asked her to be open with passwords and phones and computers? Have you asked her to be open to where she is and and with whom?

Both have now decided to end this affair.

Wasn't that thoughtful of them.

No remorse just the end result of getting caught

Things got more intense over time until they declared their love for one another.

I see the affair continuing sometime in the future as the affair breakup was basically forced.

But I can't bare the thought of going through all of this alone.

You are not alone we are here for you. There must be at least one person you can talk to. Schedule an IC for yourself ASAP. If your WW was really committed to your M & R she would have already scheduled IC for herself.

But how can I trust this woman?

Quite simply you cannot.

You worked your ass off at four jobs to so that your WW could be a SAHM and raise your son. She rewards your commitment by meeting up with, banging & declaring her love for some other SAHD when you went out the door to work.

Sending you strength my man

I took a sleep aid to get me to go to sleep at 1 and have been up since 3. It is now 5:30 am and here I am. First of all. Thank you all for your words and advice. It really means a lot to me. I hope each and every one of you know that. Thank you.

Now on to some responses:

Crushed - I could not agree more. I have the same feeling about marriage growing up in a home where there was lots of fights and animosity and chaos. I did not want that for my home. I pride myself in being calm, rational, and thoughtful. I believed these to be good qualities and thought my wife respected them. I see now that she probably sees them as boring and predictable. I have downloaded NMMNG and am reading it now.

Your other points are very well taken. I especially appreciate the comment about my son. Marriages are partnerships and there is always lots of blame to go around. But as far as he goes, I know I did not do this to him.

Kamster - Thank you. But its too late. The business is already incorporated. We have employees and responsibilities. Contracts with banks and partners have been signed. Other sources of income are coming to an end and our business is to be our new full time job. The timing could not be worse. But honestly, when IS a good time to learn of an affair?

WK- Yes. The other man is a stay at home dad who hangs around coffee shops where he met my wife. His wife is a hard working executive. My wife knows about the STD and is being treated as well.

Initially her reasons for cheating were: we weren't having sex (true, not very often), she was lonely (true, I was working my ass off trying to keep a roof over our heads and my kid in private school), I was distant (read: exhausted). This one isn't as true because when I came home she was constantly on her phone looking at Facebook or texting. I would ask her repeatedly to put her phone away. It would go in her pocket and then be out again in a few minutes. I think most of these reasons are rationalizations.

Last night her reasons were: she was being selfish, she was living in a fantasy world, she liked the attention, she had compartmentalized everything so she could enjoy her affair and the come home to be a wife and mother. I think there is more truth here. But I am concerned she is just telling me what she thinks I want to hear. Repeating my own arguments back to me.

She tells me she is really sorry. That what she did was horrible. That she will do anything to make it up to me. That she wants to put our family first. She says she will open up about who she is talking to and where she is etc... She says she wants to stay together.

She lied to me every day for 9 months. On good days. On bad days. She spend the morning making out with this other man and them come home and kiss me like she was Carol Brady welcoming home Mike from a hard day at the office. I never suspected a thing.

Now all of a sudden she has come to Jesus? Her tears are real. But she can conjure those up a wave of her hand. Her words sound nice. And it would be so comfortable to just slip back into that warm place called home and pretend like nothing happened.

But what about next time?

What about 6 months or 2 years from now? When that handsome, flirtatious client walks through the door and chats her up? Will I be back in this place?

I feel like a point floating in space without a reference.

grizzly,

I am sorry you are here. This feels like a punch in the gut . It will feel that way for a while , but it will get better.

Regarding your wifes reasons for cheating . While these may be true not one of them are a reason to cheat, not one. She had as well as all our spouses had other options . They could have said something to us that they were unhappy, but they didn't. Their poor boundries , poor coping skills , sense of entitlement and basic selfishness were the reasons they cheated .

I recommend you dig deep into this and dont rug sweep. Dont offer R until you are sure she is a good candidate. IC would be a good step and total transparency on your wifes part is what it will take to make your wife a safe partner. She should answer any questions you have. She should be willing to share any passwords to anything including emails , social media, bank accounts or CC. She should be accountable to her whereabouts .These things are neccesary to rebuild trust . And time .

I'm in agreement with the advice you've received so far. Tend to your physical needs, eat, hydrate, exercise when you can, get help from your doctor if you can't sleep or if the anxiety becomes severe.

See an attorney. Know your options. This is particularly important as it pertains to your new business.

Don't make any hasty decisions. Your feelings are subject to change over the course of the next few months.

I've come to the point where I'm wary of the sincerity of cheaters who have blindsided their mates though. Currently, I'm in reconciliation with my fWH, married 30+ years with grown children. Here's the thing... I knew he was unhappy.

Nothing I did or didn't to caused him to cheat and nothing I did or didn't do would have stopped him, but the fact that he was unhappy was right out in front. Certainly he had other options as to how to deal with that, and just like everybody else's cheating mate, he lied, gaslighted, and treated me with astonishing disrespect. And just like every other WS, the choice to cheat was made ultimately because he WANTED to do it.

In some ways though, this lashing out seems more authentic to me than when a betrayed spouse is utterly blindsided by the adultery. When there's no hint of dissatisfaction, it kind of suggests a more deeply-rooted sense of entitlement and selfishness.

It was over 20 years before I caught my fWH crossing important boundaries, cheating online and by phone but not in person. It was another 10 years before he crossed the line into physical adultery (at least to the best of my knowledge). All that while, he was nursing resentments and quite vociferous in his complaints at home. Nothing I did could appease him for long. I had become the source of all that was wrong in his life, at least from his perspective.

Sorry if that's a long ramble, but before you make any commitment to staying or going, I think it's important to understand what was motivating the cheater. In my case, I certainly don't agree with what he did or how he arrived at his mindset, but I understand it. In the end, I was both traumatically shocked.. and weirdly not surprised.

So while there's never any excuse that's good enough, the question of 'why?' makes a big difference in the long run as to whether you can ever find empathy for your cheating mate. I don't know that it's possible to reconcile without it.

p.s. Just wanted to add... Think seriously about getting into some individual counseling. You're going to need someone in real life you can talk to about all this.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 7:05 AM, October 26th (Wednesday)]

Post Nup..

Legally drawn out (with two independent lawyers reviewing) that accounts for what you need, such as keeping your retirement savings intact or awarding you the home, whatever you most need to walk away with should there be a divorce..

She cheated..Shields are up...If I were you I would require her cooperation with this legal move in order to stay married, to have a chance to R, or else she has a contentious divorce to deal with...

After infidelity , so hard to tell if all of the pretty remorseful words of the cheater are real...Hard to tell if the WS's motivation to stay with the BS is out of love and history together or simply because WS doesn't want to lose the comfy married/family life...

Let.her.lose.the .comfy.life.

At this point after what she has done to you, she shouldn't have the luxury of feeling any financial security or being able to take things for granted..

She should know that your staying isn't something that will be guaranteed..Ever...

Whether SHE stays or goes, it is only right that her life as she knows it today is gone...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:30 AM, October 26th (Wednesday)]

Grizzly - Many of those who comment in the JFO section are veterans of this same tragedy. I, too, never saw my wife's infidelity coming, never thought I'd be posting on an internet message board, and was subsequently overwhelmed with the amount of support here. Infidelity is one of those things that people occasionally talk about but never really understand the depth of the betrayal until it happens to them.

I am fully reconciled after my wife's 3 year affair which involved some horrible consequences. I post here mainly because my view is so different than others in JFO. You will hear many calls-to-action here which revolve around remaining skeptical about anything she says (important), being vigilant with her electronics and whereabouts (important), and seeking guidance from an attorney (also important) if, for no other reason, so that you understand your legal rights.

Unfortunately, closure (if there's really any such thing) surrounding infidelity takes a LONG time. And it has little to do with you. Believe it or not, time is a great healer and, as you move forward, things WILL get easier for you. You'll be less emotional and you'll start viewing the affair in a different light. However, the KEY element to reconciliation is going to rest with your wife.

When we talk about reconciliation and what it means to be remorseful what we often see is a spouse who is simply unable to do the heavy lifting. They look at what their BS needs and, while they might WANT to help, they simply can't. Maybe they're just too selfish. Maybe they don't seek the appropriate therapeutic support. Or maybe they were halfway out of the marriage already and they just figure, "Oh hell - reconciling is too tough, let's just call it a day."

My point is that your wife is going to have to look deeply inside herself and work... and work HARD. She says she wants to reconcile and make things better. Well, how much does she REALLY want that? Enough to swallow her pride and answer ANYTHING you want to know? To write out a timeline? To offer full access to electronic passwords? To let you know where she is, 24 hours/day?

Let me give you an idea of what remorse looks like. My wife, a year out from dday, was forced into going on a business trip. She texted me on the way to the airport, at the gate, and took a selfie showing her and the people on the plane next to her. At the hotel she had me on Facetime, showing me the room - including at night when she went to bed. She texted during the conference. I went to sleep and found a note of reassurance on my pillow. When she got home it was sex, immediately and passionately, that reflected, without question, that nothing happened the night before. Okay - you get the picture.

The key thing here is to understand how difficult doing all this is for a WW. Most cannot and, as a result, reconciliation is extremely difficult.

So... your actions? Know going in that healing from infidelity is a long-term process. My wife and I are coming up on 5 years out and it is just over the past 6 months that we've truly been ourselves again (maybe even better than we used to be). But it is hard, with a lot of fights, a lot of harsh words, a lot of tears, and a lot of self-reflection.

Do you have that in you? Does your wife? Do you both have the type of personalities that can salvage a new life out of the wreckage she has created? Or will you pull this out 3 years from now during a low time and smack her over the head with it? You know her better than anyone - is your wife someone who can put in the type of heavy lifting that is required to not only save your marriage and family... but to make it BETTER?

Infidelity sucks. You can recover from it but... make no mistake about it... it is a long, tough road.

Good luck.

In some ways I feel guilty about feeling so horrible. This is not cancer. It is not a death sentence. I am not a refugee or in a torture dungeon somewhere. People have it a lot worse than I do. People have been treated a lot worse than I have. I know this rationally. But emotionally what someone wrote is exactly correct, I feel like I am in the ICU on a ventilator. Dependent on a machine for every breath.

I am sounding dramatic. But I feel like I am living in a dream. This is not my life. I feel so weak. I just want things to go back to the way they were. I know that can't be anymore.

I have no idea what I am going to do. I can not pay an attorney $300/hr just to have a chat. He or she is going to want to help me lay out a plan. I have no plan. I can barely think. I don't know what I am going to do later today or about scheduled meetings tomorrow.

She keeps asking me "what do you want to do?" I don't know what I want to do. I need time. I need time. I don't have the luxury of time as all of my responsibilities are weighing down on me. I can't focus. I talk to strangers and almost burst into tears.

I am sitting in the coffee shop where they met and where they would spend hours talking about the most personal and intimate details of their and my life. Things I only shared with her in the strictest of confidence were shared with this other guy like classroom gossip.

I have been reading NMMNG and see that I have many of the traits of the Nice Guy. Sobering. I thought I was better than that. I still may be.

I am so embarrassed. I feel like less of a man. How can I face people? I feel totally humiliated. Now I understand what women mean when they say that.

She says I need therapy. She used to be in therapy for years for personal issues. I ask her why she didn't go to therapy instead of having an affair if she was feeling lonely, or needed to talk about things? She reponds, "I should have." True but not satisfying. Nothing she says really is.

Thanks 1survivor. Thats good advice. Trust is very important to me as it is to most people. She always knew where I was. Work. Home. Work. Home. Repeat.

CT - I have a belief that may be false but that people follow their nature. And that does not change with therapy or remorse or really anything. It can suppressed or punished, but it can't be changed. Even with all the therapy in the world most serial killers won't become kindergarten teachers. So I am afraid that she will never change. But I desperately want to believe that what she says is true. That she will be committed and put our marriage first. But isn't that what marriage vows are?

It sounds like your husband may be an example of a person who can not change despite effort and might be typical of the breed. I don't know.

I wonder if there is some kind of deep seated hatred that my wife has for me that would allow her to do something like this. It was so cruel. Methodical. Sustained over a long period of time. She did things that when I found out would specifically hurt me deeply. Like stabbing at a wound that only she knew about.

I do think she had a sense of entitlement. She would complain about how hard it was to spend all day with a 4 year old. Granted. Children can be needy. But she was spending 3-4 hours with her boyfriend and then the afternoon with my son until I got home. She hasn't done a lick of office work in 5 years. Her activities consisted of walking the dog, getting coffee, fucking her boyfriend, dropping and picking up our kid. She complained that she wanted to go to yoga but then wouldn't go. She complained that her friends were whiny. Sometimes she made dinner but she is a terrible cook so we ate out a lot. She had no worries about bills or me being unfaithful or abusive. Our boy is wonderful. We have a yellow fucking lab. Great dog. We live in a decent neighborhood. What is so bad about that life for a woman?

I think she is spoiled. She feels like a few tears and apologies will make up for anything she does. She has deep seated character flaws. So do I. So I try to overlook hers until now. She has a strong sense of entitlement. She should be able to have her cake and eat it too.

And thank you for your words doggiediva. But if she loses we both lose. I don't think if she loses the comfy life I win anything. That life was based on us both living it together. That is gone for both of us.

You know, one of the things that I think about often. At least weekly is how big the universe is. I really think about this. I imagine it. I try to feel it. It brings me tremendous comfort when I put the problems of the world with all the wars and suffering in this context. And if I do this an try to add geologic time into the mix, problems seem more fleeting and less consequential. Our individual lives take on the time span of an electron's nuclear orbit.

But this is an intellectual exercise. It brings comfort for most things - taxes, a horrible boss.. But my wife's infidelity.. This is a very very deep kind of pain that isn't touched by the intellect. Its not affected by reason, analysis, or dissection. It only responds to tears.

Welcome to the best club no one ever wanted to join.

I just need to know that there is someone out there who understands what I am going through.

I go from being enraged to depressed to a sobbing heap. This is not who I am. I am a high functioning, confident, steely eyed achiever.

We all understand what you've gone through and will be going through.

I'm as mentally tough as they come, but when I had my first D-day, I could barely function for a month. Infidelity is literally soul crushing.

So take care of yourself, try to get sleep, drink lots of liquids (no booze), try to eat.

You're now boarding the emotional rollercoaster. There will be days when you happy and doing OK, and then there will be days when you are an emotional wreck. It'll get better with time and the bad days will be less frequent, but it will happen. you just have to keep going forward for yourself, and your son.

Initially her reasons for cheating were: we weren't having sex (true, not very often), she was lonely (true, I was working my ass off trying to keep a roof over our heads and my kid in private school), I was distant (read: exhausted). This one isn't as true because when I came home she was constantly on her phone looking at Facebook or texting. I would ask her repeatedly to put her phone away. It would go in her pocket and then be out again in a few minutes. I think most of these reasons are rationalizations.

Yes. Those reasons are bullshit rationalizations.

Last night her reasons were: she was being selfish, she was living in a fantasy world, she liked the attention, she had compartmentalized everything so she could enjoy her affair and the come home to be a wife and mother. I think there is more truth here. But I am concerned she is just telling me what she thinks I want to hear. Repeating my own arguments back to me.

These are legitimate reasons. And, she needs to understand why she was being like this, and to change. For this she needs IC.

She tells me she is really sorry. That what she did was horrible. That she will do anything to make it up to me. That she wants to put our family first. She says she will open up about who she is talking to and where she is etc... She says she wants to stay together.

This is good, but remember, actions speak louder than words. You'll need to see if she keeps to that over time. A lot of WS will say that in the beginning, but then after a few weeks/months, they resort to the "just get over it" stage.

General advice I give everyone is to consult a lawyer to understand what divorce would entail, and what your rights and responsibilities are WRT to your W, your kid(s) and property. With you starting a new business, this is especially true. A post-nup was mentioned; that is a good idea. You'll see how much your WW "will do anything to make it up to me," and protect your business.

Keep posting, were here for you.

Grizzly -

If you live in a state that allows for post-nup agreements and you are considering reconciliation GET ONE NOW. You can also reorganize your new business so that younger favorably treated in the event of the marriage ultimately ending. Sadly you absolutely MUST think about the economic impact this could have on you.

I have no idea what I am going to do. I can not pay an attorney $300/hr just to have a chat. He or she is going to want to help me lay out a plan.

No necessarily. You don't have to lay out a plan of action, but can simply gain knowledge. What is the process for divorce? how long does it take? A month? a year? What would happen to the business? Is WW entitled to 50%? What would custody look like? Would you be on the hook for alimony/child support? All of these questions are locality specific and also situation specific. Could you line up some of these in a post-nup.

That $300 is a lot less then the cost of losing your business, or just not knowing what would happen in a divorce. I felt a hell of a lot more confident knowing what the process would be, what I (and ex) would be responsible for.

I am so embarrassed. I feel like less of a man. How can I face people? I feel totally humiliated. Now I understand what women mean when they say that.

We all felt that way. But this isn't a reflection of you, but your WW. It'll take time for that to sink in.

She says I need therapy. She used to be in therapy for years for personal issues. I ask her why she didn't go to therapy instead of having an affair if she was feeling lonely, or needed to talk about things? She reponds, "I should have." True but not satisfying. Nothing she says really is.

IC (individual counseling) for you is a good idea. It's someone to talk to, to process this shitstorm that you are going through. There's no shame in needing someone to talk things through with. Especially when the one you used to talk things through with, just shot you in the back.

I wonder if there is some kind of deep seated hatred that my wife has for me that would allow her to do something like this. It was so cruel. Methodical. Sustained over a long period of time. She did things that when I found out would specifically hurt me deeply. Like stabbing at a wound that only she knew about.

Over time, you'll come to understand that this isn't about you, it's all about your WW having something broken inside of her. Generally, a lack of self-esteem, and the need to fill that void with external validation from another man (or woman). She doesn't hate you; she wants the external validation (ego kibbles) from whomever she can get it from. In exchange for those ego kibbles, she's willing to give up sex.

I do think she had a sense of entitlement. She would complain about how hard it was to spend all day with a 4 year old. Granted. Children can be needy. But she was spending 3-4 hours with her boyfriend and then the afternoon with my son until I got home. She hasn't done a lick of office work in 5 years. Her activities consisted of walking the dog, getting coffee, fucking her boyfriend, dropping and picking up our kid. She complained that she wanted to go to yoga but then wouldn't go. She complained that her friends were whiny. Sometimes she made dinner but she is a terrible cook so we ate out a lot. She had no worries about bills or me being unfaithful or abusive. Our boy is wonderful. We have a yellow fucking lab. Great dog. We live in a decent neighborhood. What is so bad about that life for a woman?

Entitlement is a big part of it too. They should have everything, be happy (ie, get those ego kibbles). So, they justify the affairs.

I think she is spoiled. She feels like a few tears and apologies will make up for anything she does. She has deep seated character flaws. So do I. So I try to overlook hers until now. She has a strong sense of entitlement. She should be able to have her cake and eat it too.

This is the biggest thing you need to be concerned about. I pointed out above that the "I'm sorrys," "I'll do anythings," tend to be short lived. Actions speak louder than words - right now she might regret getting caught and causing all this upheaval, but will she show true remorse for what she's done? the pain she's caused? Only time will tell.

Yet another reason for you to understand your legal rights, and look into a post-nup.

And thank you for your words doggiediva. But if she loses we both lose. I don't think if she loses the comfy life I win anything. That life was based on us both living it together. That is gone for both of us.

Everyone loses in infidelity. It's a complete shitshow.

You are right, your marriage will never be the same from now on. What you need to decide (and it doesn't have to be this minute) is: Do you want to build a new relationship/marriage with her? That's the tough question.