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BH and I are in limbo. BH says he sees D as an inevitable possibility, but is not 100% sure how the future will turn out. I had a 6 year LTA (EA and 1 year PA). I confessed about the PA three months ago, but TT until a few days ago and finally wrote BH an email confessing EVERY detail in all the years. BH is reeling in the pain of so many incidents of betrayal and the lying that kept it up while he was home taking care of our daughter. I feel like the biggest piece of sh*t realizing how much I have disrepected him and our marriage. I confessed everything knowing that it would break any trust he has remaining for me after the three months of trickle truth. Now he says he doesn't believe anything coming out of my mouth. He doesn't even believe my confession is everything, that I could have made it up to make my story convincing. It's such sad consequence of lying so much before. I've decided to be completely honest and that's the only way I want to be from now on, but he doesn't believe any of it.

I apologize whenever BH seems down and stressed out, and try to assure him that I don't want to be the person I was during my A and that I won't ever hurt him again. But BH laughs at me and says "Why do you think I care? You should have had the moral compass to not do those things in the first place. It doesn't matter what you do now. You can be great and all that, but you did betray me, many times, and that's all that matters. You can be good from here on out, but you still did what you did." When I ask him what I can do to make things better him, the response is "nothing." We're still living together because he needs to save up enough to get his own place, but I feel so hopeless that there's nothing I can do to make things better between us. Does anyone have advice on how to deal with the limbo situation? BS responses welcome.

(((burntashes)))

There is no easy answer. Your BH is dealing with pain & anguish he didn't know existed. And yes he really does mean it when he says he doesn't believe a word you say. Think about it...why would he?? You have destroyed his world, his family & taken his very soul. He may truly think he is done with your marriage TODAY, but tomorrow he may think differently. The ride is inexplainable & it will be hell for you both.

If you truly want to be given another chance, it is up to your BH & he will need time to figure out what he wants. If you know what you want then fight for it. Fight like you've never faught for anything before. You will have to prove it to him & it will take LOTS OF TIME. Keep the faith...don't give up.

BS of a LTA here:

The thing that really counts in my book is that my FWW signed up for IC to examine what was broken inside of her to open the possibility for her to turn astray. I see the work she is doing and the pain she is in now that she truly realizes what she risked, and I know she will not hurt me again. There is not 100% trust, of course, but there likely never will be again.

What you do today DOES matter, if not to him, it should to you. Do the right thing and he will either see it and come with, or he will not. Do not expect him to see it right away. For all the lies, there has to be exponentially more truths in a row to rebuild the trust to a digestible level.

It takes work and patience on both your parts. I highly suggest IC and MC for both parties.

Good Luck!

Burntashes - I am so sorry for your pain. It is awful to be the one who hurt someone so badly like this.

I have a couple of thoughts. The first is that this is so new to your husband. You have already lived it for many years, so it is not new to you. For him, he was blindsided in the worst way. This could very well be a dealbreaker for him and it is his prerogative.

The only thing you can do is hang in there. He needs to grieve what he has lost and he will go through all the stages: denial, anger, etc., until finally acceptance. There is no timeline for how he progresses through those stages.

Second, you need to go to therapy to find out why you cheated. It is not enough to say that it was exciting, or you wanted the validation, or whatever. You realize, right, that your husband had nothing to do with the reason you cheated? That is all on you.

Hang in there. The roller coaster ride is horrible.

burntashes,

I am sorry you and your H are hurting. I agree with the others that going to IC is vitally important. My FWS' going to IC is one of the main reasons why I was willing to stay. I NEEDED to see his trying to understand his behaviors. So do the work. Share what you have learned with your H. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for ALL of your decisions. Do NOT blameshift or excuse. Learn what healthy boundaries are and put them in place for yourself. Share with your H anytime FOP tries to contact you. Answer all the rest of your H's questions HONESTLY and completely. Don't get angry with him for asking or for hurting.

Be patient. I know and you know you shouldn't have TT your H, but at least you didn't do it as long as my H did--for a full YEAR after DDay #2. His doing so set me back.

Many days only my promise to H that I wouldn't leave before two years were up kept me with him.

Hugs and stay strong,

ff

Your D-day was fairly recent.Your BH is still reeling from learning about your A. IMO and personal experience, the LTA takes a very long time to process.The BS feels like their whole life with the WS was a lie or at minimum the time frame of the LTA. With each piece of info revealed I felt like it was the final straw, my emotions were all over the place.There are times that the BS will feel like all of the efforts of the WS is making is too late to matter. I still have those moments...it does matter and what you do now is critical. For some BS, the A is a dealbreaker and they will not and cannot R. Until he files and signs the final D papers, you still have a chance.For what its worth, I said some very ugly things to my WH in dealing with A related issues, I was lashing out from extreme pain. Keep that in mind when his emotions are all over the place.It is a really rough process but keep trying.

Recent BH here. I think I am having an easier time then most dealing with my wife's A. I think what helps me along is my wife's determination to make our marriage work. She answers EVERY question I have honestly. She never complains that I bring something up. I can really tell that she wants to do the work to fix this.

Let your husband deal with this as he needs and just make sure he knows you are there for him now. Make sure he knows he can ask you anything and you will be honest. Make sure he realizes that you are devoted to him and your marriage now. Then just hope and pray that he has the strength to join you.

Good luck.

Thanks for everyone's response. It's encouraging to hear your thoughts and know that it could work sometimes. I'm fairy new to SI and am very glad I found this site. It has helped me decide to come clean knowing I would lose the chance for R that BH was ready to give me before the email. Honesty is the only way to go no matter how painful and that's how I want to be from now on. BH loved me faithfully all these years and deserves complete honesty at the least.

I have been to IC twice. BH is not interested in MC because he decided from DDay that our M is over and he considers himself divorced, that we're only living together as an arrangement. I discontinued IC due to financial reasons. BH needs to save up to move out, and I don't want to waste any of his money on IC. I have done a lot of soul searching, read books and any blog and posts I could find online on this issue. I had major conflict avoidance issues (learnt from how my parents dealt with conflicts). I resented BH's heavy drinking that got worse in the last few years due to business failure and losing our house, but I never confronted him because I thought it would add to his suffering. I felt rejected by him because he seemed very unhappy with me about a lot of things, but I never sat him down to honestly talk about my feelings. I went to OM to talk about my feelings of inadquecy instead, and that's what led me down this path of pure hell. I realize I've been a selfish brad. I had the A because I felt unhappy and felt entitled to stray because BH was making me unhappy. Now looking back I realize it's not any of BH's fault that I had a LTA. It's my lack of consideration for other people's feelings and lack of moral conviction to be faithful and respectful that led to the A.

Since the complete truth, I have answered every question BH askes honestly, including some where I had to say "Yes, that's what happened. I'm sorry I lied about it before." It's very painful to see how much pain BH has to suffer, knowing how much he loved me before. I understand it's next to impossible for him to belive anything I say. I want to be patient and fight anyway I can for our M. It's hard to hear him say D is the only possibility, but you're right that until it's finalized it's not over, and BH hasn't filed yet. I want to just be there for him and let time show where we could go.

Recent BH here. I think I am having an easier time then most dealing with my wife's A. I think what helps me along is my wife's determination to make our marriage work. She answers EVERY question I have honestly. She never complains that I bring something up. I can really tell that she wants to do the work to fix this.

This. Our situation is a little bit different as there was no affair involved but rather one very drunk and idiotic decision on his part, but what helps me more than anything is his constant willingness to be completely transparent - phone, emails, whatever. I trust him 99% of the time anyway and really believe this was one stupid slip-up, but he never complains when I ask him to clarify something or whose number this is or why his friend said something in a text message. It helps a LOT. I don't have to wonder if he's hiding something. I didn't trust him at all right after he confessed but was able to build that trust back pretty quickly due to his transparency. Even so, whenever I found something new I snapped and accused him of lying (he was blacked out most of the night and doesn't remember most of it - the things that I found out have been from our detailed phone bill). Your situation is different and it will doubtless take longer. I do wish you luck and I hope he will go to MC with you.

I have shared with BH all the thinking I did about why I had the A, but he feels it's all words, and he only has my past actions to see how I really am. He believes that if we go thru a tough time again in the future, I would just fall back into old patterns and stray again. I don't know how to help him believe that I am less likely to stray again than any time before in my live due to the hard self reflection and knowing how important my family is to me now. I guess I'll just have to be patient and prove with my actions that I can be strong and true and be there for him during this hellish time. Like needsomehelp14 said, "For all the lies, there has to be exponentially more truths in a row to rebuild the trust to a digestible level." I'm committed to showing him truths from now on.

Didn't see a stop sign.

BS here.

I noticed that you've had 3 D-days and they were 3 years apart.

I can understand your BH's position. Once, R ok, twice, R maybe, three times, ?.

Would you trust your H if he'd had that many D-days?

[This message edited by andyd1950 at 9:38 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

andyd,

Exactly. That's what's so damaging for me and his trust in me. He trusted me the first time and second time. He asks how can he know I mean it THIS TIME? I completely understand that I've destroyed all credibility for myself. I'm completely honest with him now, but how can I make him believe after breaking his trust again and again? I know how unforgivable my actions are, but I love him more than ever and don't want to lose him. My logical mind says "You have no chance. You don't deserve another chance. Let him go and be happy." But my heart says "I love him and he still loves me. I don't want our marriage to end." It may be far too late to want to save our M, but for our sake and our 4 year old DD's sake, I want to do everything I can to win his trust back if there's even a slightest bit of hope. Am I selfish for wanting him back? Sometimes I wonder if it would be better to let him go and find someone he doesn't have this baggage for. There's no easy solution. I hate this hell I created.

[This message edited by burntashes at 3:40 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

Burntashes,

My story is similar to yours, and my XH felt the same way yours seems to. If you ever need to talk or ask questions feel free to PM me.

I'm completely honest with him now, but how can I make him believe after breaking his trust again and again?

Honesty, open communication, and transparency are the only things that will encourage him to maybe trust you.

Right after D-Day very little you say is going to ring true. The vastness of your betrayal is still slowly coming into focus for your BH, and it feels like the very Earth has shifted on its axis- especially after so much TT.

I'm not saying this in the spirit of a 2x4... just how the experience was for me. There are no magic words that will set things right. He will be watching what you DO and how well your actions match what you say. Trust is earned, and you just overdrew the account. You have to work double-time to bring the balance back up.

If you haven't already, make your email, your voicemail, your text messages, your Facebook- everything- available to him with passwords. He may say he doesn't want them, but print them out and give them to him anyway. We BS's tend to change our minds alot in the early days. Doing this will help put his mind at ease.

Does he KNOW for certain that the A is over? If he has any lingering doubts, offer to write a NC letter and allow him to mail it. The Healing Library has a description of an NC letter, and if you google it there are many more in cyberspace.

Hang in there. Keep working on yourself. Keep working on making your BH and your M the highest priorities.

(((burntashes)))

(((Burntashes)))

Hi... WS here...

it's true, there are no easy answers, and you are in a tough spot...I'm sorry for that. The difficult part is that you have put yourself in a situation where you no longer have control over what happens next. Your M is at the mercy of your BH, and no matter what you try to do, it remains that he now decides what happens next. I was in the same spot. In the end, we are WSs, and we screwed up, and when our BSs find out about the A, they have to decide what to do. The TT is very harmful. I did it too, and only now do I realize how harmful it was. I also realize how liberating it has been to come clean, but whether our BSs believe us or not, that's another matter altogether. It's hard to come clean, because in the end, we realize that we are basically handing our BS a way out. When everything is out, our BSs have a chance to look at the situation, and make a decision about their life. They deserve that chance, because good God, we sure as hell didn't consider their life much when we decided to step out of our M. Coming clean is scary, the hardest thing I ever had to do, but in the end, it was the right thing to do.

The first thing you really have to acknowledge is that, no matter how unhappy you felt your BS was, no matter how much drinking he did, at no point was there a good reason for you to have an A (and I think you know that :-). When you started speaking with the OM, you checked out of your M. I did the same. That's what your BS is seeing now. He is angry, he doesn't believe you, and he is now so hurt, that he is convinced that he will never be able to trust you again. Time is the key player right now. Things for your BS are fresh right now, and he is hurt. You are doing all the right things, and in the end, that's all you can do. It's not your words that will turn the tide, it's your actions. Your word means nothing to your BS. This is not a 2X4, BTW, I dealt with the same exact thing. I used to say "honestly" when we spoke, and that became a joke to her...What the fuck did it mean that I was speaking honestly when I had lied so much?? Now, even though I speak with nothing but loving honesty, I still cringe when I say the word, because I know how she's taking it. It's OK, though, I made that bed, I now have to lay in it! Your actions mean tons, however. And that is the only thing you can do. You have to look deep inside, find out HOW you did what you did (because the WHY is irrelevant, there are NO good reasons why we stray from our M), and you correct your behavior, and show your BS that you want this relationship to work. The hard part for us WSs is that, even if we do all the right thing, we are not guaranteed success. We fucked up, and, at some point, the survival of the M is out of our hands. It's hard, but...we put ourselves there by straying.

I know these are not necessarily comforting words, and I don't mean to be harsh. You are doing things right now. Yes, your BS feels that NOW is irrelevant, but if there is love between you two, he won't always feel that way. The work you are doing will pay off. It never, ever hurts to do things right, OK? Remember that. You are learning to be a good, loyal and committed spouse. That is what is important, and the hope is that your BS will recognize it, and finally let you back in. You won't be back in all the way at first, but with time, you will, and your M will be awesome! Keep working and doing the right thing, OK?

Good luck to both of you.

What's bothering him most is that he's already given you two chances to make things right.

Maybe you'll get lucky, very lucky and he'll give you as third chance, but ???

burntashes,

Betrayed spouse, here.

I've read all of your posts; and most of them deal with your partial confessions, TT and you finally disclosing the entire truth to your husband about this LTA.

Can I ask:

How did your BS discover you were still cheating; and involved in a PA with this OM?

Did he believe the "previously confessed to" EA had ended?

What steps have you taken to prove this affair is finally over and done with?

Have you sent OM a formal NO CONTACT LETTER?

If OM is married: Has his wife been told about this affair?

Since your BH has known about this OM and your involvment/affair with him for years: Your BH may need time to adjust mentally, and emotionally to these "new truths" he's been told.

Many of us BS have threatened to divorce when we continually get hit with "trickle truths" but we've managed to continue with reconciliation.

Personally - I dislike the term "trickle truth"....To me it's just a fancy term for: MORE AND MORE LIES.

I do know this: I've told my husband - If I do divorce him: It won't be because he made the choice to have an aldulterous affair. It will be because of his continuous lies - after he ended that disgusting LTA.

I hope your husband is just reeling from the new disclosures. I wish you the very best.

How did your BS discover you were still cheating; and involved in a PA with this OM?

Did he believe the "previously confessed to" EA had ended?

I told BH about the PA three months after I ended it because I couldn't look at him and know that he was living a lie, that I was harboring a horrible secret. BH thought that I had ended the EA the last two times. The thought that I still betrayed him again made me sick. I thought of how much more horrible it would be if he were to find out many more years later and regret more of our marriage as a lie. I ended the affair because the PA made me disgusted with myself and realized that OM was using me.

What steps have you taken to prove this affair is finally over and done with?

Have you sent OM a formal NO CONTACT LETTER?

If OM is married: Has his wife been told about this affair?

I sent OM a no contact letter on email and cc my BH. I called OM's BW the day after confessing to my husband with him present, and told her what I did with OM in my husband's presence and apologized to her.

After talking to BH tonight, I know it's hopeless. He's processing all the betrayals and the anger is overwhelming. He's very bitter, and justifiably so. He said once, he trusted me, twice, he trusted me, and now a third time? He said he didn't marry me to have someone that screws up then maybe learn to be better, that I should have known to be committed when I marry him, not to learn now. "You can embark on your personal journey, but count me out." is what he told me. I agree that his points are valid, that after so many failures and lies, I have no credibility to ask for another chance. I know that's the consequence of my actions. The pain of losing my family is so hopeless. I want to try and do everything I can to prove that I can be faithful, but I've wasted too much time and it's too late. I'm left with no choice but the end. It's so sad and hopeless.

If you haven't already, make your email, your voicemail, your text messages, your Facebook- everything- available to him with passwords. He may say he doesn't want them, but print them out and give them to him anyway.

I sent him a list of all my email and FB login with passwords. He immediately threw it away and was offended that I thought he would be petty enough to check up on me.

I am new here so I have less to say than some of the others, and know little of the situations of others, but for what it's worth I kinda know what you're going through, burnt- I am in a similar situation.

Don't expect recognition for your efforts and don't ask him how you can fix things, IMHO.

I believe what some of the others are saying, about how time and consistent behaviour management is what matters. That and caring for your spouse above all else.

Like you, I have to accept that I may well have ruined my marriage but but still manage to carry on like there is hope- for myself as well as our relationship. Tell the truth because it is the right thing to do, not because it is what might save things. Don't try to reassure him- give him care and attention. It is my belief that actions speak far louder than words.

Our words will mean nothing for a very long time.