SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m afraid this is going to be a big, LONG rambling mess. First let me say, thank goodness for SI. I have been lurking for many months. Now that I am faced with the concrete reality of my situation, I am going to have to draw strength from all of you who share so unselfishly.

The Beginning - I started having suspicions last summer. WH was saying he wasn’t terribly busy at work. FF to last fall and all of a sudden he is working late 2-4 nights a week, every week. Not telling me he is going to be working late or even calling me when he is leaving so I know when to expect him home. He starts wearing aftershave again. He starts trying to lose weight. He seems disconnected and distant. I flat out say, “What’s going on? Put your self in my place and let’s add this up and see how it looks.”

I get all the reassurances - I would NEVER, you are the ONLY, you can TRUST me. He told me he could turn on the GPS on his phone and use the family locator app, “oh, but I could always just leave the phone on my desk and then go back for it later, so you really wouldn’t know. I could take pictures of the office to prove I’m really at work.” Wow, for someone who has NEVER, you suddenly have a lot of info about avoiding detection.

I find SI. I check the cell phone logs, check his cell phone for text messages, check his computer history and email. Anything I can think of without his being aware that I am checking. I have all his passwords so no problem, right. Of course, there is the small problem of the software he suddenly has on his computer and phone that provides private browsing! I didn’t even know there was such a thing.

Just to keep things interesting, at this same time, he begins typing away like mad on his laptop at night (with me sitting in room with him). “What are you doing?” “Oh, I decided to start a journal, you know, to chronicle my day, what we had for dinner, what we are doing, that kind of thing. Kinda boring, but I like doing it.” So WH types like mad, pauses and folds his hands and reads, smirks and then goes back to typing. For hours at a time. Wow, for a boring life, you really are getting a kick out of this. And funny that it’s only on certain nights, guess life isn’t that interesting the rest of the week.

Takes me a while, because prior to this I have unequivocally (blindly, stupidly) trusted my WH. Did I mention we have been married for over 30 years? Finally I ask who he is talking to? He tries to sidestep and dissemble, but I keep pushing and tell him I KNOW he is chatting with someone online.

The Middle - So it starts to come out. Someone gave him the name of a website - it is a gateway to porn sites and online sex chat forums. Seems WH has struck up a friendship with several of the girls (from another country) on the forum, three in particular. But “they’re not that kind of girl, they only do it because they have no other option, one is supporting her orphaned brother (I kid you not)….” Cue the beginning of the minimizing, gaslighting and rationalizing.

This is an open forum and he just chats, he doesn’t go “private.” You have to pay to go private and he doesn’t want anything sexual, he is just there for the camaraderie. WH strikes up friendships with some of the other visitors and chats with them as well. Isn’t that nice, it’s really just one big happy, social forum. WH is a favorite of the girls because he is respectful and they understand he is just there to talk and don’t push him for more. WH is so respectful he keeps all the other visitors in line when they start to get rude.

WH tells the girls (and the rest of the open forum?) all about me, our DSs, our lives, what we are doing, where we are going on vacation, every detail. He learns all about the girls’ lives as well. WH’s face glows with pride when he says the girls tell him he is such a great man. He says this over and over. WH says that he has thought about it and if I were talking online in this manner to some men, it really wouldn’t bother him (believe me, I called bull on this!).

Well guess what, it bothers me! A LOT. WH agrees to stop (I know, I’ve lurked long enough to know better). And for several weeks he does.

You know what’s coming. WH resumes chatting with paid Internet Sex Sluts (my term - ISS - I was going to use PISS, but even as mad/hurt/devastated as I am, that just doesn’t seem right), again with me right there. Yeah, because I got STUPID in the last few weeks and don’t recognize what’s going on. To give WH credit, he does try to subdue his actions and tries not to laugh and react to what he is reading as much.

And here begins my journey down the rabbit hole (if you have had the fortitude to keep reading and I haven’t bored you yet). WH has been complaining the battery on his new smartphone doesn’t even last a day (and he has started keeping it with him AT ALL TIMES, I know another clue). So he leaves it plugged in in the car while he quickly runs into a store. I stay in the car and pick up his phone to try and see what is running the battery down so fast.

And there it is! I open his gmail (the one he says he can’t remember the password to and never uses). He reestablished contacted with the ISSs on Thursday!! I didn’t know how to forward the emails without him knowing so I just put the phone down. Once my hands stop shaking, and thanks to my lurking here, I realized I should take pictures of the messages.

Somehow I manage not to let on that I know something is going on. I am DISGUSTED and DEVASTATED by what I read. WH feels deeply, emotionally connected to ISSs. One is his favorite. He misses her, and money is tight right now, but he will try and visit as much as possible.

WTF!!!! OK, another lie exposed. This “great man” really IS paying for his “visits.” Hear that? That’s the sound of my world exploding!! Who is this man that can kiss me goodbye so tenderly in the morning and complain to his main-ISS just hours before about how hurt he is that I didn’t do enough for his Father’s day (ignoring the fact he completely blew off Mother’s Day)?

But wait, there’s more - another app I found on his phone is to locate hotels - and it gives you the option to search privately. But he has no idea how the app got on his phone! Oh, and he looks at the ads on CL just because they are interesting.

Really, WTF!!!! So exactly what am I dealing with - paid ISSs for sure, CL hookups maybe, more? What is going on with my life?

Told you this was going to be long. Thanks for reading.

[This message edited by nightsky at 3:09 PM, June 18th (Monday)]

Wow, nightsky. Welcome to SI - the place none of us want to be, but you're among friends here.

I think you realize you've just uncovered the tip of the iceburg, unfortunately. Can you get access to his computer to install a keylogger?

You know we always advise NOT to confront until you have your proof. A keylogger will give you proof, but you must be emotionally prepared (if possible) for what you're going to find.

Keep posting and keep your cards hidden until you have the proof you need.

Hugs

PISS works for me.

I get it that part of your journey to healing is about 'who is this man'?

(Right now, he's a cheater. Cue the WS handbook. Right now, you know 'enough')

Best question to ask is what are you going to do. For yourself?

Do you have ducks in a row?

What if he is hookin up with randoms on cl?

One big thing is to stop having sex w him & get yourself tested.

You getting that duck quacked?

How 'bout the separation of finances? Free consult w L?

Stuff like that.

I admire your ability to hold it in, hide what you know. It's devastating and I just want to hug you.

I'm a fan of gathering evidence then dropping the dime.

Unless you see remorse (different from regret)

and

Honesty

Transparency

No Contact

(Those 4 things are the foundation of successful R)

You'd be just spinning your wheels. Wasting your time and life.

I wouldn't want that for you.

So sorry you find yourself here. I know your mind is a whirlwind right now, but please try to take care of yourself. Keep posting, we've been where you are and we understand...

wait till he is good and asleep...take his phone with you to the bathroom or wherever and put on a keylogger, do research first so you know which one to do, and which will send you all key strokes to your phone. It wont show what they type but will show what he types....passwords, anyother email you may not know about and the passwords. Any addresses he types in etc. DO IT.

Thank you so much for the replies. I have just encountered an incredible irony. I became suspicious of WH because of his change in computer habits – suddenly typing away like mad. So how do I post and reply while sitting in the same room with him when all I have ever done up until this point is read on the computer (lately hours of SI)?

Anyway, thank you for slogging your way thru my first post. I know I was all over the place and there is a lot more (there always is) and I left a lot out. Like many others here, I thought we had a very good marriage and partnership. Sure we were feeling a little bored and restless as empty-nesters, but we had always been a very strong, loving, committed couple, as well as dedicated parents. We share the same core values and I never doubted we were in it for the long haul. Now this man is a stranger that can lie to my face. He has always abhorred cheaters, and he is engaging in activities that devastate me to the core. Well, I have been amazed at my own acting ability since Saturday. I will not let on at all until I am ready (at least I’m trying).

You ask some very relevant, difficult to answer questions. I just posted in the Online Cheating section in I can Relate (told you I have been lurking for a long time). I said, I will be honest and admit that until I know all the facts or have more evidence, it’s easy for me to almost think this isn’t really happening. I have never joined a forum before, never posted on the internet. It took me hours to come up with a username for this site. After I posted my story this afternoon, my hands shook worse than when I found the two emails. It made it real, it made it made it so that I HAVE to continue forward, it made it so that I will have to make decisions about what I find.

But, it is real. My H is a WH. I have been a loyal, trusting, caring, giving wife and mother for over 30 years. I am a BS. Oh my God, oh my God!

[This message edited by nightsky at 7:41 PM, June 18th (Monday)]

Yes, my brain feels like it has been put into a blender. I was hoping that once I posted, it might calm a little. I have been composing posts in my head for days, still am. I just need some quiet. I'm worried about trying to sleep tonight.

Anyway, I know I need to do a keylogger, but I'm worried he will be able to detect them. My WH has been, up till now, rather unsavvy as far as computer usage. Suddenly he has programs on the phone and PC that block recording of browsing history, searches, activity of any kind. I'm afraid these programs will pick up the KL. And the program he uses to go "visit" his ISSs, comes with this private feature.

Maybe it is value-added from his ISSs. You know, pay us to cheat on your BS and we will show you how to do it without a trace!

F Them!

I feel every bit of your post, it speaks to me and touches me in ways I can't pronounce right now. Just take care of you. Will you? That's all I'm concerned about.

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. Please get tested for STD's.

Just tried to log onto his netbook. Nope, the PW he just told me he changed to doesn't work. Guess I'll have to put my super-actress mask on tonight to try and get it from him. I already know he is a liar and leading a double life. This almost feels like I am doing the same.

It's amazing how different things look when the loving, TRUSTING wife glasses come off. WH spent the night in his huge lounge chair again. Said he didn't want to disturb me in the middle of the night when he woke up at 2:00. Really? Or is it because you were up so late after I went to bed chatting with your ISSs?

I wonder which one was on duty last night? Was it ISS-2 who so unselfishly shares her positive energy with you and you think of when you close your eyes? Or was is ISS-1 who is so truly beautiful and you will "visit" when you have the money? Maybe ISS-3 put in an appearance. Which one do you think of when you make love to me? Or do you just have sex with me while making love to them in your head?

Sorry, I guess I need to start a journal for some of this stuff. I just feel so lost/confused/scared.... Don't know what which end is up from one second to the next. OK, deep breath and try to calm my chaotic brain. Thank God I found SI. I'm going to need an anchor for a little while.

My WH told me this morning that I look skinny. We have been dieting together for several months in a healthy way.

Thanks a lot ASSHOLE!!!! It's called the Infidelity Diet, but I really can't recommend it.

My WH told me this morning that I look skinny. We have been dieting together for several months in a healthy way.

Thanks a lot ASSHOLE!!!! It's called the Infidelity Diet, but I really can't recommend it.

Edit: sorry for the double post. On my phone, very hard. At least it should cut down on my verbal diarrhea

[This message edited by nightsky at 7:33 AM, June 19th (Tuesday)]

I'm so sorry that you've joined our ranks.

I love the "journal" excuse. If it makes you feel any better, I fell for my H "just playing games" when I would ask what he was doing on the computer. (Like yours, it was on his lap while he sat in his big ole' comfy chair.)

I know in my case, there were hookups. I've seen quite a few on SI who initially thought it was just online only to find out that it became a physical affair.

Keep digging. They're not as clever as they think they are.

Again, I am really sorry that you're here.

Oh hon, Im so sorry this is happening to you. Its a very familiar story on here. Sometimes I feel like 99% of men are on these sort of online sex sites. WHY?!

You are, however, in the perfect place for support and information. Most of us know the shaking sick feeling of the 'investigation' and discovery.

A couple things that stood out in your post.... A hotel app. That suggests that he is not planning to keep this online-only. C/L is rife with women pretending to be horny sluts, who really just need some help with the rent. Disguised prostitutes. Believe me, I know. My h "loved" to read the ads there too. Until his 3 yr efforts failed to get him a freebie and he paid two of them.

I have a feeling your h has a secret email account. Also be sure to check your bank accounts and credit cards carefully. I have seen some on here who had secret cell phones and credit cards. You may be able to get a credit report and see if there are cards he has hidden from you too.

Good luck hon. Hugs!

[This message edited by DrivingPast at 2:06 PM, June 19th (Tuesday)]

I would hire a Pi or have a friend or someone follow him. Wish I would have done that. It would have been worth the money.

I think there are ways to get passwords to netbooks, if you need to.

BTW, once you get to 50 posts it unlocks a forum on investigative tips that can be VERY useful in your situation.

Kudos for not revealing what you know to him.

Thank you so much for all your replies. I can’t tell you how grateful I am for your support and caring. I have been lurking for months and as I read the posts I was rocked by all the pain and devastation people were expressing. I feel like I am having an out-of-body experience as I read your replies to MY post. This can’t be my life. But it is.

My husband is a cheater, my husband is a cheater, my husband is a FUCKING CHEATER!! If I say it enough times somehow I have to start grasping it or make myself really believe it.

I didn’t catch him in the act of fucking another woman (yet?). Four days ago I found the first proof that he is at least betraying me with sex sluts online. I keep telling myself that this is enough to know. He has made the decision to become emotionally connected to these ISSs. He actively seeks them out - after I have told him that I need him to show ME that he thinks about me, that I am somewhere in his thoughts. Nope, and now I am just beginning to know why. His sluts are more important. His sluts take up that place in his thoughts where I belong.

And now the hard part. My WH and I always said that our marriage was built on a very strong foundation of RESPECT for each other. Yes, we love each other, and I at least am still very much in love with my husband. Well, I was until last Saturday afternoon. But the man that I thought was my husband is a WH. I shudder every time I make myself type that.

This WH, the man who sits across the dinner table from me or climbs in to bed with me each night, is so desperate for validation that he pays sex sluts for it over the internet. He so badly needs to be told that he is a great man and have his ego stroked that he seeks out these sluts to say it. How sad and pathetic! How do I respect that?

So, the part that scares me SHITLESS. Do I have enough respect for myself, do I have the courage I need to face this situation my WH has selfishly created? Do I respect myself enough to say my husband is a fucking, selfish, insecure cheater and really believe it? Do I have to courage to say it and believe it and then do what is necessary?

I always thought I did. I always said that I respected myself enough that I would never tolerate infidelity. That if my WH didn’t respect me enough to remain faithful to me, that I at least respected myself enough not to accept it.

Wow, sounds impressive - you go girl! But guess what, I am scared to death! I am trying and I know I have to. If I can’t respect myself, does that make my life as pitiful as his?

I read a post somewhere on here the other day about virtual hugs. Let me tell you I can feel them every time I read one of your responses. I feel embraced by your caring and support. I have no words to tell you how much that means to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

((((((nightsky))))))

Betrayal sucks. Finding your center after finding that everything you thought was true and "given" is upside down is hard.

You are having to adjust to the idea that the man you married is missing and in his place is a lying deceiving brain eating alien who looks like your H but is in fact a WH pretending to be the man you thought he was.

Post, vent, cry, share. We've been there.

So how do I post and reply while sitting in the same room with him when all I have ever done up until this point is read on the computer (lately hours of SI)?

Dp you have a hobby that has a message board? Perhaps you can join that as well.

((((Nightsky)))) - I completely understand what you are feeling. My WH lied to me for almost a year. Was probably texting with her will sitting next to me watching TV or with our children. I never thought my WH would have an A. His A lasted 2 years. TWO YEARS and he lied over and over and over. Suddenly he is a changed person and expects me to jump over the moon that he has changed. Like every married couple we had problems before the A – nothing to justify the A.

Honestly, I think you should confront him. Why wait for more information? Why wait until you find out he actually did have sex (I am assuming you have not found out he actually had sex with the online women). I think you have enough to hit him over the head with and if he continues to lie, then you need to do something drastic – like tell him to leave. I did this and it worked. He ended the A and moved back home. Hence the change in his behavior. Your WH needs the wake up call now before more damage is done. Be firm and do not waver. You will be surprised how WS will come around when faced with the reality they will lose their spouse and others finding out what they have done.

I have a question for you to think about. What about his friends? Does he have any friends who may be unhappy ? Is he hanging around someone more than usual?

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it sucks. But you can be strong.