SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Is it just me or do most BSs find themselves thinking about their spouse's affair what seems to be all the time?

I am 8 weeks post D-day. The mind movies are very slightly less prevalent but his PA is on my mind so much. In fact I seem to be thinking about events as pre and post affair. For example tonight I happen to glance at an award I received and saw the date as 2010. Almost immediately the thought came into my mind that the affair had been going on for about 10 months when I received it and I was in blissful ignorance! It is the first thing on my mind when I wake, the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep (if I do) and I even dream about it. Do WSs think of their betrayal often or is this limited to BSs?

Can someone with more time "under their belt" give me a time-frame?

[This message edited by avicarswife at 5:16 AM, July 9th (Monday)]

I am only 6 weeks post D-day and all I think about is my WH and the affair. I think that I am thinking more about the end of our marriage and how he could just want to leave me and the kids. The OW lives in Indiana while we live in NY. He would rather carry on a phone/EA with her then to have his family. IT is killing me inside that he would rather this over me.

I do notice that things are pre and post for me as well. I also find myself wishing that I could go back in time so that I don't have to deal with this.I wonder too if he ever thinks about me or us. He appears as if he wants nothing to do with me so it makes me feel as if he could care less how I am doing. I am hoping that this gets easier but right now it feels harder than hell.

I wish I had the answer but I don't. Keep smiling! Sending you hugs!

What you are experiencing is very normal. The shock to all levels of our being is tremendous. You have been wounded emotionally, psychologically and physiologically. Being consumed with thoughts of the affairis tge brain's (and body's) way of trying to make sense of events in a parallel reality that we were unaware of. I can relate to framing milestones in the timframe of his A, and it is all surreal.

I am about 9.5 months out and the thoughts no longer consume me. At eight weeks out, it is still so early in the process. You are still reacting to the shock. The world as you thought you knew it no longer exists. It takes awhile to adjust.

In the meantime, try to rest (easier said than done), eat and drink lots of water ... and read and post on SI. I only managed the last two.

T-I-M-E is a four-letter word around here, but it does get more manageable as the days, weeks and months go by.

Hang in there. You are having a normal reaction to the trauma and you are not alone.

-STIT

It seems to be the only thing I can focus on. First thing in the morning, before my eyes even open and last thing at night. It sucks. I try to force myself to enjoy even a minute of freedom from the thoughts but at 7 months out I'm still crazy and pained. Not as bad as early on but it's still consuming me.

Read and post read and post read and post. OH and don't forget to eat and it's not funny but don't forget to breathe..I've found myself not breathing.

I don't remember when exactly, I hit that turning point. I just know, one day it was easier. Then, easier still. But never did I stop thinking about it or remembering it. It just became less often, and didn't ruin my whole day any more. If I were to guess, I'd say that change happened gradually some time during the 2nd year after D-day.

Of course now here I am back on this forum because I just had D-day #2 with him... Sigh.

I'm 9 months out (actually, I'm one year out from when the affair began... ) but the thoughts are less and less, the triggers are less and less, and the all-consuming feeling is definitely better.

Honestly, I'm not sure it's a time frame so much as it is how supportive to your healing your spouse is. The TT and gaslighting only prolong the healing process. I was lucky (umm... yeah, lucky...) to have a FWH who admitted everything, got us into MC and himself into IC, and immediately went NC (actually told the other BH on his own) and I believe those things helped the process so much!

I'm about 6 months out. All I can say is, I think about it less and less now. And when I do think about it, the length of time is also less and less. It does occasionally "bite" me and I seem to take a few steps back, but when I mention that to my FWW, she does/says that right things that help. ....guess I'm "lucky" that way.

it's been 5 months. She is NC and doing well with that. We moved, so it helps.

Yep, the pain stinks. I no longer have intimate movies in my head. I asked God to take them away and BAMMO! No more. Talk about answered prayers!

She is becoming more supportive every day, and is now open to HER IC. We have stalled in MC a bit.

There are times when I feel like she avoids me because she fears I'll bring up a reminder. I told her I get it. Try to make a point of telling your WS when you ARE feeling okay so they feel safer.

Had a trigger Saturday. She asked about it, I told her what it was, and then I said, "Let it go." We both did and we moved on with our day.

Progress? Every day baby, every day.

Hey avicarswife

I'm now 7 months down the road and I find in the last few weeks it has been possible to immerse myself in activities and actually not dwell on the A's. Such distraction was not possible before, even at work I was constantly thinking about WH and the A's.

I also find that I think less and less about the specifics of the A's and more about the broken marriage and how can we go about trying to mend it.

Of course, I still have my moments when it is all consuming. I feel that emptiness in that 'how could he?' moment but it passes more quickly now, thankfully.

As everyone says, the passage of time becomes your friend. Hang in there

I think it has a lot to do with how remorseful and open the WS is from the first, and what you have to go through after the initial disclosure, what your spouse has to disclose also as the underpinnings of the affair. Every case will be different.

In my case, it took 7 months of MC just to get the truth after the initial disclosure. After the talking began in earnest, there was a lot more my spouse had to tell me and the counselor, and to admit to herself, and it just seemed to never end. Once she started talking, our relationship began to change in ways that you couldn't have predicted necessarily as well. I found out my wife had never really trusted me, but once she began to talk she began to trust, slowly that progressed. I found out that my wife was afraid of me, that fear and the reasons underlying it, took several months to work on in MC and IC, and is an ongoing work in progress.

So, for comparison to others, it has been 2 years, 4 months, and I still think about all of it every day, but not about the actual affair so much as the underpinnings of the affair. I have to. I really cannot just "be", to much depends upon my being present and aware of the past and what she is going through and dealing with. My wife is in counseling still trying to deal with her abuse history, she goes every week, we go to MC every two weeks.

But, we have excellent times together, just finished the most wonderful of weekends of just hanging around at home.

I think MC will probably last at least 6-9 more months, but who knows with this sort of thing.

It is still pretty much all I think about, 2 months after d-day. What I think and focus on is different than it was to start with, but some aspect of WH's A or how it is impacting our lives is constantly in my mind. It is less upsetting to me now since it isn't quite as "new", but it is always there.

Sorry, I know the constant pain. You are in a normal state. Moving forward will depend on your WH and his attitude. In order to heal, you must have truth. Ask, ask,ask and he must answer, answer, answer. Nothing is off limits if you need to know. Read the great articles in the SI library and make him read them also. One IC recommends talking about the affair, as often as possible in the beginning,and it will begin to neutralize and end the obsession. If you know everything the OW knows, you can move on to healing. No secrets will put the affair in it's place, and show it for what it was, an illegitimate way for your WH to get attention. Your obsession is your mind filling in the blanks. Make him do that. If he will not, follow the recommendations on this site to get his sorry attention.

Ending the obsession can start today with a willing WH who will take away the mystery and secrets by giving you the WHOLE story, beginning to end.

Good luck.

For me, I noticed a difference about 6-8 months out. It was gradual, and it slowly got better the further out from D-day I got.

Do WSs think of their betrayal often or is this limited to BSs?

I think it is different for a WS. My H said he tried not to think about it unless he was with me and we were talking about it. For him, he said it was so shameful that he didn't want to wallow in it.

((avicarswife))

I was wondering, too. You're further ahead than me (it's only been about 3 weeks), so I'm still on the rollercoaster. I have been actively trying to do other things like draw, listen to music on my ipod, go on my bike, write, whatever I can to survive and to distract. Then I find I crash a few days later, but at least I get some tiny breaks through distraction, distraction, distraction. (sigh)

I am 10 months since DDay. About two months ago I stopped thinking about the A details and more about the marital problems. When I have trigger days I think about the A details. I regret I did not do certain things right after DDay and I wished I found SI sooner. I still have a way to go but there is small progress. I do not know if we will fully R at this point. The goal is to R. There are major problems that need to be solved. I am committed to giving it at least 2 - 3 years before making a decision.

Thanks - ahh time, amazing how slowly it seems to pass when you wish it would hurry and vice versa.

As far as I can tell the vicar is very committed to reconciliation. He is reading a lot, doesn't read or post on SI but has delved into the healing library. He is in IC, taking his antidepressants, he answers my questions mostly (some things he can't remember), helped fill in most gaps and the time-line, he holds me when I cry and apologises for hurting me. As for the answer to the "why" question, he says he is not really sure, but working on that in IC and will tell me when he knows. The vicar is NC (I am as sure as I can be anyway he is and he says so) and is writing a NC letter.

So from what I can glean it is carry on down this painful path and wait for time Time TIME, maybe that together with everything can help R to occur!!!

[This message edited by avicarswife at 4:47 AM, July 10th (Tuesday)]

9 months out and struggling. I have had several other huge emotional losses mixed in these months (death of my mother and grandmother and return of my father's cancer). Some days are better than others. Honestly I get the worst doring my monthly cycle. Definitely some hormal surges there, lol. I just had a major bad week. I vented on him. I seem to have finally gotten angry? I said some things I had only thought And I felt a huge weight lifted. I think about it A LOT. It's still consuming me. But, little by little I am doing better. Not good, but better. Hang in there.

For me, I noticed a difference about 6-8 months out. It was gradual, and it slowly got better the further out from D-day I got.

Same here....and the FWW was doing "all the right things"....following a pretty foggy 2 months of WS bullshit the "light came on".....

good luck...

Bufffalo

Avicarswife,

I'm over 7 months out, and still consumed. I think for me, I'll be this way a long time. My wife's infidelity was for 20 months prior to me finding out. I've been TT'd almost the entire time, and I've been given details but no specific dates. So every day I wake up and I think "last year at this time...". For me, an A has always been a dealbreaker. I'm trying hard for it not to be, but I have a long way to go. I figure I'll be this way until all the months she was cheating on me have run their course, because just when I think I've thought of everything, something new comes in and destroys my day. All she had to do was talk to me...

I am only 5 weeks out and I feel almost like I did when I first found out. After the first couple weeks it didn't seem so bad, but lately I am just totally consumed by it again.

My WH is doing everything he can to make things better But I find myself now when he's loving to me and says he loves me & I'm beautiful, I just wonder if he's saying all this to me now because he can't say it to her anymore.

I wish I could give you the magic cure but it sounds like it just takes time. Easier said than done, I know.