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I would like to share a letter I wrote as one of my healing exercises from the book, "Changing Course" by Claudia Black.

I am scared to share this as it is the most truthful and vulnerable thing I have ever written. It started out as a list of the hurt I had experienced but it turned into a letter. It is angry and raw. This letter is by no means a way for me to blame my parents for everything. I know they did the best they could and I know that I made my own choices. It is a way for me to express my hurt and grieve. I do not know if I would ever be able to share my hurt with my parents.

Today I am going to overcome my fear and share the hurt hidden deep down inside me. It is a way to tell the story of the little girl inside me.

Here it goes:

At four years old I remember being alone in my empty room because I was bad, my toys in the living room, falling asleep crying, my mom throwing a glass of water in my face and being angry when the water hit the wooden headboard instead of my face...I remember yelling, spankings, spanked until I peed my pants, being laughed at, feeling embarrased and ashamed...I remember my parents telling everyone how much they spanked me and laughing about it....I remember my mom never protecting me...I remember my favorite pillow taken every time I was bad, I remember being grounded and crying myself to sleep....I remember my Dad breaking my purple and white striped hula hoop in front of me and throwing it in the trash because I was bad-yet I can't ever remember why I was bad....I remember my mom chasing me and pulling my hair, hitting me with her shoe...my dad yelling, my mom crying, my mom withdrawing....I remember my dad taking down the Christmas tree and making us all go to our room to bed...I remember my dad refusing to send me to school one day in fourth grade because he was angry with me and wanted me to miss the fieldtrip. I remember my Dad chasing me, his angry out of control eyes, always wondering what I did that was so bad that they treated me like this....believing I was unlovable...falling asleep with my thumb in my mouth and a tissue in my hand...

As a teenager I remember my Dad telling me I don't have an opinion because I am the child....my dad chasing me into my room, pulling down my pants putting me over his lap and hitting my bottom-at AGE 14....I remember my dad ripping off all of the pretty magazine pictures and photographs I had carefully taped on my bedroom door...I remember my dad yelling, crying myself to sleep, feeling alone.....I remember my dad hitting me in the mouth and making my lip bleed...I remember my dad refusing to pick me up from school...I remember my dad locking me in my bedroom, turning off the electricity in my room and putting a bucket in my room so that I could pee in it (he unlocked the door before I had to go pee but it was still humiliating).....On my 16th birthday my Dad being angry with me and not celebrating my birthday....my Dad always making us get out of the car when we had plans to go to our relatives....my Dad never wanted to do anything fun with us...everything always had to be a certain way....

I remember when I started to act out and my Dad asked where his little girl went. Dad, she is gone because you beat her down. The two of you (mom and dad) chose to have a child and you chose to abuse her. Mom, you never protected me from Dad. He hurt me and scared me and you never protected me. I was so lonely, so terrified of when the next blow up would be. I have walked on eggshells for 28 years-that is no way to live. Most of the time when I was a teenager you guys were too high to even know what trouble I was in. I would come home high and you would have no idea.

You didn't talk to me about sex, or about boys, or about respecting myself. You didn't talk to me about my dreams or inspire me. You never told me what you wanted me to do differently. You just punished me. You didn't teach me how to love myself, so I never learned how to love someone else. You didn't teach me about boundaries or healthy relationships or being true to myself. You didn't teach me how to think for myself or how to believe in myself. You didn't teach me how to be confident or how to soothe myself. You didn't teach me how to appropriately express my emotions. The main emotion I saw from you, Dad, was anger. And because I learned to be so afraid of anger I buried all of my anger. And my anger slowly turned into depression and began eating away at my soul. I was an innocent, impressionable 4 year old girl waiting to be loved and you hurt me. You broke my spirit. I deserved nothing but love, reassurance and safety. And to think how many years I minimized and rationalized your behavior. You told me you punished me because you loved me. But that wasn't love. That was a broken man who did not know what it meant to care for and love a child. You tried to control me. You didn't want me to fly on my own because of your insecurities.

And now I am most angry at MYSELF. I am angry because I denied these issues because I wanted to believe so badly that you were good parents and that you loved me. I am angry at myself because I never dealt with these issues and now I have become someone that I do not like. I have so deeply hurt the one man that did show me unconditional love and I threw it away because I never believed I was worthy of it.

I know you sometimes tried to be a good dad. I remember the good moments-the dad I loved. I remember you always getting me a milkshake when I had to get my teeth pulled and I remember you always helping me with my homework. I remember the beautiful birthday cards and the way you used to hold me in your lap. But I deserved more. I deserved for you to be happy and healthy. I learned from you. I followed you. I looked up to you.

And now I need to give myself what you were unable to give me. I will do this. I am sorry that you were not able to give yourself what your parents failed to give. But I want the cycle to stop here. I will nurture myself and I will love the little Lost inside of me.

Wow Lost. That is really awesome.

Very inspiring. I think I want to do this as well, not just with my parents, but badchoice, too. Maybe a lot of people (my step parents).

Keep going & sharing!

(((Lost))) for Little Lost.

I will nurture myself and I will love the little Lost inside of me.

Good for you!

Wow.

((((Lost))))

I think we all have to do this. Thank you for sharing.

(((Lost)))

It was so brave of you to write it down and even braver of you to share it here.

Thank you for sharing with us.

Wow, that was a powerful letter.

Thank you for all that have taken the time to read my long letter.

Just to be clear I haven't and don't think I could ever actually share this letter with my parents. But it helps to write it. A couple months ago I tried to talk to my mom about how my dad hit me and she responded by saying, "he only hit you once" Right.....

((((Lost))))

You're doing what our MC called taking out the garbage. You should be proud of yourself

Keep working to make sure you fill the newly emptied space with good things

I was so lonely, so terrified of when the next blow up would be.

Wow. This post is really hitting home for me. I, too lived in mortal fear of my Dad...my whole childhood. When he came home each day, I would kind of hide out and spy on him until I could gauge his mood. Then, and only then, would I make the decision to be around him, or hide in my room.

The main emotion I saw from you, Dad, was anger. And because I learned to be so afraid of anger I buried all of my anger. And my anger slowly turned into depression and began eating away at my soul....You broke my spirit. I deserved nothing but love, reassurance and safety. And to think how many years I minimized and rationalized your behavior. You told me you punished me because you loved me. But that wasn't love. That was a broken man who did not know what it meant to care for and love a child. You tried to control me. You didn't want me to fly on my own because of your insecurities.

This part brought the tears out. I had a lot of bladder infections from a young age and would pee my pants if I couldn't get to a bathroom very quickly. He hated this about me, and tried and tried to make it into just a behavioral problem, when it truly was a documented medical issue. His brilliant idea of the appropriate 'punishment' was to make me sit on the toilet with a pair of my peed-in panties ON MY HEAD....for hours. IDK exactly how long it was, but I clearly recall my legs being totally numb from sitting there so long.

When he finally allowed me to get up, I fell. I remember my Mom being furious with him over this, yet it still happened. I was gunshy and afraid to confront him even into my 40's. He died in 2009, and he took with him all the answers I will now never have to my endless 'why?!'

When I was diagnosed with PTSD this year due to FOO issues, it was noted in my report that I 'have difficulty in relationships with men'. Thanks, Dad. Thanks SO much for that.

I am angry at myself because I never dealt with these issues and now I have become someone that I do not like. I have so deeply hurt the one man that did show me unconditional love and I threw it away because I never believed I was worthy of it.

Boy, is THAT ever the truth! I am starting to see that so many, if not all of my avoidance isues and the rebelliousness that my BH sees are allllll leading back to one place...my Dad. I never realized just how much he affected me....I just wish my Mom would have removed my sister and myself from that situation.

Upon hearing of my diagnosis, I called her, in tears and asked 'WHAT did he DO to me??!!' And she said 'If I had known it was going to affect you so badly, I would have taken you girls and left when you were young.'

What a mess. So now, we...you and I....plus many others out there...are left to pick up the pieces and try to repair the damage done by the one who should have been our soft place to fall when we were littles. Never in my life did I ever think I would be dealing with shit like this. Never.

I hope that posting this has helped you and has positive effects for you. ((Lost))

[This message edited by GullibleGirl at 11:49 AM, August 17th (Friday)]

Oh GullibleGirl I am so sorry to hear that you went through similiar pain and fear Thank you for sharing that. It helps me to realize that I'm not alone and that it wasn't just because I was "bad".

We were not bad children. Our parents were not healthy and did not know how to parent appropriately.

Hugs to you

(((GG)))

I am so sorry you went through all that. I want to go back and take that child in my arms and protect her(hugs) I talked to my step mother who raised and abused us and reminded her of everything she had done to me. Know what she said???? " I don't remember doing any of that but I am sorry IF I did". Really??? she can't remember? I can't forget. I have never spoke to her again since that day. Some parents do regret what they did and others don't or pretend it never happened. We want them to make it go away, yet they can't. I cry for the child that I was but I am proud of the woman I became. I refuse to continue a pattern of abuse so I win and my children won.

[This message edited by Feelthrownaway at 12:09 PM, August 17th (Friday)]

((((Lost)))) What a powerful letter.

I wonder: have you read The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson?

Your statement about now nurturing your little Lost made me think it might be a really good resource for you.

Both my ex and I found it really useful, for different reasons. Given the abandonment the little Lost experienced, it might be a useful read.

This was a beautifully written letter about a truly horrible up-beinging. (((hugs))) to littlelost. It's not really necessary to share it with your parents as long as you can help to heal from it and let some of the garbage go. YOU know what's been said and done. And now so do the other people in your life.

I have father-issues too. My WH is just now learning about them. And it's as much of an eye-opener to him as I am sure that it is to your BH. Isn't it strange and horiffic how these things can show up and be such a horrid influence in our lives.

And now I am most angry at MYSELF

Lost, please don't continue to do what your mom and dad did. Please do NOT blame yourself for THEIR issues. There is absolutely NO REASON for you to be mad at yourself. You had broken parents, you dealt with it the best you could with broken tools. It is good that you wrote the letter. Good job analyzing it to the point you did! GREAT JOB!

Now the most important thing is to sooth yourslef, don't look to blame any of this on you! THEY were the adults, THEY should have known better. I am sorry you are hurting but you are on the right path.

I am still working on healing my wounds, wounds that were left by my dominant father and absent mother.

I can relate to you.

You are very much loved here and we cherrish you being part of our family. PM me if you ever need to talk. I am here.

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 12:26 PM, August 17th (Friday)]

((((((lost))))) I relate so much with a lot of your letter from my own childhood. I am so sorry for what you've been through. The letter was powerful. You are making such progress and I'm always reading your threads and rooting for you. Remember you are worthy, you are lovable, and you deserve true happiness in your life.

Thank you all for reading my letter and for your kind words.

No I have not read, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, but it seems like it would be a good book for me.

Exit wounds-I never thought about broken tools...but that is what I had.

The more I express these feelings about my parents the less power they seem to have over me (the feelings and my parents).

Lost, your letter is beyond heartbreaking. That an innocent, trusting child should be hurt so badly is horrifying. But you are amazing. I predict your story is going to have a happy ending because you are working your very hardest to heal yourself from the evil that was done to you.

I believe my WH was a victim of emotional abuse as well and my heart aches for what he suffered. But, he is not prepared to look inward and work at becoming the man he should be and I'm sad for him that he can't do that.

I gave him 34 years of my life to try and help him heal and learn what healthy relationships look like. He repaid me by lieing, cheating, betraying and robbing me. I deserve better and I'm moving on.

You are barely beyond childhood ....so young with your whole life ahead of you. You can turn this story around and you are doing all you can to make that happen. Wow. I wish there were more people like you in the world. All the very best my dear because you deserve only the best!

(((Lost333)))