SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

According to Tina B. Tessina, PH.D., author of "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again," you do not want to tell your story in a way that shows you were the poor victim of an awful human being. You want your new man, to see that you have learned from your experience, and you take responsibility for any part that you played in the breakup of your marriage. Do not refer to your ex as a cheater or liar. Would you want to date a man that referred to his ex in derogatory terms?

This was part of an article that my mother sent to me. She's pretty sure it's time for me to find a new man. (she's 79) I'm not sure I agree with it. What do you think?

I don't really agree with this but I don't agree with passing as a victim.

I once told a guy who I had met online and who asked me the question: I didn't like his girlfriend and started laughing.

I didn't lie and by making a joke he know that I was over it and then I changed the subject.

There was another guy who knew my story before we went on a date. His questions were more defined and I answered as honestly as possible but with keeping the emotions out of it.

I do my best to make it a non-issue. It's in the past, and I'd rather leave it there. If it was still a big deal in my life, I wouldn't be dating.

I just say that I was married young, he cheated, and I've grown and learned a lot from the whole thing. And then I move on. If they ask, I'll answer basic questions, but they almost always end up asking stuff like, "how could he do that?" At which point I say, "I mean, I have my theories, but do you really want to spend our time talking about my ex's issues?" And they're happy to change the subject.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 6:28 PM, March 4th (Monday)]

I'm not dating, but if I was, I certainly wouldn't lie about it.

It rubs me the wrong way when someone tells me that they divorced because they "grew apart" so I'm not likely to say that.

When I was dating, I don't recall anyone ever asking me what happened. I think I was asked how long I'd been divorced, but I don't recall being questioned about the reasons.

I think I would tell them he cheated on me and that I take a very dim view of any cheating. Just so they know.

I just talked about this last night with a guy that I've been seeing.

The first time that we went out, he opened the conversation with the question of what happened in my marriage. It didn't surprise me because I was married for 19 years, and I'm only 44- and been divorced for 4.

I just said that he cheated repeatedly and it was a deal breaker for me.

Last night, we talked about why he asked me that question and if my answer was a good one. He said that he liked my answer because it was honest, direct, and to the point.

I always worry about how to handle that question, so I try to keep the answer short. I'm glad that I went with my gut on that one.

[This message edited by Williesmom at 7:28 PM, March 4th (Monday)]

I'm with all of you about being honest but making sure they get that I'm over it. I know for a fact I will never say "we grew apart." That's the fucking lie X tried to tell everyone and it's a hot button for me. I've always liked the line about not liking his girlfriend. It's certainly true!

I tell the truth "I got traded in for a much younger, richer model"

My ex-asshat is dating a married co-worker. Her husband is 60, Skank is 42. Asshat is 53. I found out Skank was 5 mts. pregnant to her husband before he was divorced from wife #2. She hasd been screwing my ex for 4 yrs before I found out. I also found out she talked her husband into putting her name on his inheritance property. I know he has a bad heart (chronic afib). I guess Asshat and her are having fun behind his back waiting for him to die. Then she will have it all.

[This message edited by shiloe at 9:11 PM, March 4th (Monday)]

I've told people that I got divorced because I didn't like his girlfriend. Not men I was on a date with, just other people who asked. Everyone laughs, so I think it's a truthful and light-hearted response.

I think it's best to be honest. Like Ama said, it's more a matter of having dealt with your baggage. You can't really hide bitter, jaded, or hung-up, with evasive jargon. If someone chooses to label you as a victim or unaccountable for your "share" just for being honest when asked then they probably aren't fit for association anyway.

In general when asked about my divorce I respond with "I didn't like his girlfriends" with a genuine laugh. I have added "I thought he was going to stop dating when we got married or at least cut back"

It makes it clear that I am no longer harboring a lot of anger.

This is such a struggle. When I was casually dating, I would just jokingly say "His girlfriend and I just didn't get along."

I have a boyfriend now and I've opened up with him a bit more about the divorce. However, I don't tell him a lot. Largely because I'm embarrassed. I'm ashamed of what I put up with for so long. I know I shouldn't be.

I agree with the advice. I'm more receptive to a man who takes responsibility for his former marriage over one who vilifies his ex wife. If he says his wife had a boyfriend which he found an interference to the marriage, it's an acceptable answer that can border on flippant. If he adds what he learned from the marriage that he now applies to improve his relationships, I see him not as a victim who will repeat past relationships but as someone who is continuing to grow with his relationships. If he calls his ex a derogatory term who was blanking everything in pants, I don't need to add that baggage to my life.

If he uses the we grew apart line, I'm fine with it if he gives me something specific that he learned from growing apart and the changes he's made since his marriage.

If he says he cheated, that's three strikes. If he follows it up with what he's since learned about himself and the changes he's made, it might cancel out a strike.

I don't want a victim in my life who is busy licking wounds or planning revenge. I want someone who has learned from past relationships and plans to continue learning. Which I think is what the paragraph is suggesting.

I had several men tell me they got divorced because they grew apart.

I didn't believe it. I just didn't feel they were being sincere. They had nothing of any substance to share beyond the cliche.

My bet would be that they cheated.

I detest that explanation. It just feels so fake to me.

I also cannot stand it when they start in on how their wife was controlling or never wanted to have sex or other reasons. I just can't stand to hear it. I guess because I know I was a good wife, loyal and loving, but my ex WH goes around telling lies about why we divorced. So I just don't feel trusting of those explanations. I really believe that a lot of marriages end over affairs, but the WS doesn't admit to it. Instead, they blame shift. The really slick ones act like it was their spouses fault, but they feel guilty for leaving. Yeah, right.

I'm pretty tough to convince when it comes to divorce explanations. I feel like my BS meter is ultra sensitive. But I trust it. I left my marriage knowing that my gut feeling is sharp and correct.

If I'm ever in another relationship, it will need to be with another BS or a widower.

I also take marriage pretty seriously and some of the reasons people give just seem lame to me.

I hate when people say that they grew apart and do that thing of making a "Y" with their hands.

Just pisses me off.

I don't completely agree with the advice. I agree that you don't want to tell your story "in a way" that makes you a victim, but I don't see how say somebody cheated and/or lied is being derogatory when it's a fact. I can take responsibility for ways I contributed to what I realized was an unhealthy relationship with WXH, but seeing as WXH walked out to be with OW and never looked back I'm pretty sure that's what caused the breakup of the marriage. The second part of that advice hits too close to "you drove your husband to cheat" for me for some reason.

A couple guys I dated knew so I didn't have to say anything, it was really only SO that I had to tell. On our 4th or 5th-ish date I just said, "There's no non-awkward way to say this, so I just wanted to let you know, I'm divorced. I was married for less than a year when my ex cheated on me and left. Feel free to ask me any questions."

I believe SO's response was something like Wow what an ass

I agree not portraying yourself as the victim. However, I do not agree that you need to sugar coat things and not tell the truth.

If someone asks me why my marriage (either of them broke up) I will be honest. My husband was cheating on me, refused to stop cheating, and I had enough respect for myself to leave a bad situation.

I'm not a victim, but neither is the break up of my marriage my fault. I was not a perfect spouse, and I will readily admit to my faults. However, I did everything I could to hold it together. It was his refusal to stop cheating that ended my marriage.

It is what it is. When necessary I present the facts in a very straight forward manner, but I won't lie.

I certainly won't use some ridiculous verbiage about growing apart or other similar nonsense.

If they ask - I tell that he was $lutting around. I do not candy-coat it. It is what it is. I don't think I come off as a victim. I stood tall, walked through the D and all his BS/lies and came out still walking (not crawling).

There is 0 chance I will ever go back and I think that is what a lot of people are trying to see when they ask this question. IE are you a scorned ex still pining away? NOPE!

I haven't found a polite way to explain why I divorced.

I suppose I could tell the story of when his GF told me about his crime?

The second part of that advice hits too close to "you drove your husband to cheat" for me for some reason.

TP4, that is exactly how it struck me. I wasn't perfect, but the X cheating, lying and abandoning is what led to my divorce. Why would I sugarcoat that to someone new? Starting a relationship with a lie like that makes no sense at all to me.

I hate it when people say that it takes two to end a marriage. It definitely doesn't. One can do it quite well.

I don't accept any responsibility for my marriage ending, other than I married him in the first place. He ruined a perfectly good marriage with a loving and devoted wife.

And I won't be politically correct by trying to appear to have "learned" from my part of anything. I learned, but it's not what this person is saying I should have learned. She's living in la la land.