SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been dating my SO for almost 3 months now. He's been S for a year, but hasn't filed for D.

He has a DS21 and his wife works. He is paying for an apartment and she is living in the marital house. There is no alimony or child support. Things are status quo. His wife cheated on him; which prompted him to move out. But their M was empty for years. They stayed together until DS21 went to college for the least amount of disruption in his life.

My friends say I should press SO to file, because it is wrong that he is still M. But SO is in no hurry and wants to wait until his wife gets her inheritance (her dad died last August) so she can pay him, in cash, half of the value if the marital home.

I have really no issues with this. But I am wondering if I should. I am in no hurry to get married... so him being "technically" married really doesn't affect me at all.

SO and I are having a lot of fun. He is as crazy about me as I am about him (if not even a little bit more!). We are committed to each other. And, most importantly, he has been totally honest with me about everything. And his actions are still matching his words....

What are your thoughts on this situation? Am I rationalizing? Am I wrong? Should I be concerned? Here I am dating a Married Man!

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 2:58 PM, March 7th (Thursday)]

Here I am dating a Married Man!

Yup.

That about says it all.

His reasoning for waiting for his wife's inheritance doesn't make sense to me.

Also, his being in "no hurry" REALLY makes no sense to me.

AJ's MOM

Check the laws in your state, but if they have a PSA (separation agreement), if she is supposed to pay him 1/2 the house, their marital status doesn't matter. It is a court order. So...that reason for not D'ing doesn't fly with me.

I'm on my 3rd year of S, and we are holding for insurance while I'm in college, but I"m itching to finish the D. Only one guy has commented on it, and I respected that it bothered him. If I meet someone and it bothers him, I would push up the date to finish.

His reasoning for waiting for his wife's inheritance doesn't make sense to me.

This ^^

Honestly, the inheritance shouldn't make any difference. If he's willing to wait for it, the agreement can be written so she give him the money when she gets it.

You've only been dating him for "almost 3 months" That just isn't very long. You say you are committed to one another, but honestly you haven't been together nearly long enough to have really tested this relationship.

I don't really agree with his logic either. This could be easily fixed in a divorce agreement and he could still file to get things started if he was really serious. However, with such a short relationship, you aren't in a position to be telling him to do anything with his divorce.

Personally, I would be concerned and wouldn't date him but that's just me.

I have really no issues with this. But I am wondering if I should. I am in no hurry to get married... so him being "technically" married really doesn't affect me at all.

If this is the case, you have your answer.

And, in all honesty, there's really not a darned thing you can do about it.

you may change you mind as to how you feel and, if you do, you can let him know. Whether or not he files, however, is completely up to him.

Wolf

His particular reason doesn't make a lot of sense to me. It seems that he could still get divorced with the proceeds/buy out to occur at a deferred date.

That being said, I do know people who are or have been separated (usually with a legal separation agreement) for a long time without pursuing divorce for a variety of reasons.

My original plan with my XWH was to be legally separated but not divorced so that XWH could keep me on his health insurance at a cost far less than COBRA because insurance coverage is a requirement for my degree program. Had I not just gotten fed up and filed for D, we would have stayed separated but not divorced for about 3 years.

I think that if you're at a place that you are comfortable with it and it doesn't bother you ... that's fine.

Though I would want to be able to verify that independently with his wife.

There was one red flag in what you posted and that was the comment that the marriage was empty for years before they separated. That's very much WS speak. That, more than the long separation without divorce, would have me really wanting to double check everything.

As someone who was also separated for an extended time (2005-2012), I'd have to say that people don't hang out in limbo just for the hell of it.

Emotionally, he must not want a divorce.

If he wanted one, he'd get one.

He can take care of all those little nagging details in a settlement agreement.

You can try pushing him to start the process, if your ultimate goal is to piss him off. I suspect it will only start the process of the honeymoon being over.

I think you should be concerned about this. But, IMO, there were other things you should have been concerned about, earlier on. He says their marriage was "dead" but he stayed until a kid got out of college? That would have sent me packing. Too passive for me. I don't trust people who make those kind of choices. If it was the truth.

[This message edited by hurtinky at 3:59 PM, March 7th (Thursday)]

Plenty of people stay separated but not divorced for years for financial reasons. They can't sell the house, one person needs insurance, etc. And honestly if you are living separately with no drama I see see how it's easy to sort of back-burner the paperwork.

What I think this boils down to is, do you believe his reasoning for not filing for D yet? Are you worried he's hoping they will get back together or something? (valid)

do you believe his reasoning for not filing for D yet? Are you worried he's hoping they will get back together or something?

I do believe his reasoning. I neglected to mention that he is on his wife's medical insurance (she works for the state) and is self-employed and "older" (54). So buying medical insurance would cost him an arm and a leg. I truly believe the only reason he hasn't filed is financial and when his wife gets her inheritance she would more likely to be able to contribute to the divorce costs by being able to buy out his portion of the marital house.

I am also sure there are no remaining emotional ties. I couldn't tolerate that. As I said, he has been 100% honest about everything so far. And I am Ms. Cynic. Trust me.

I am okay with this. I am in no rush. I am having fun with him. We are "committed" only in that we are exclusive with each other at this point of time. I am just getting your thoughts on whether my thinking is skewed. I have been known to have skewed thinking when it comes to looking at my own situations!

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 5:44 PM, March 7th (Thursday)]

SO is in no hurry and wants to wait until his wife gets her inheritance (her dad died last August) so she can pay him, in cash, half of the value if the marital home.

Sorry, but that sounds like bullshit to me. They can always put that in the divorce decree. Andt here is a big difference between filing and finalizing the divorce.

he has been totally honest with me about everything.

Really... how do you know? Serious question here. Have you talked to his estranged wife? His child?

If really this is status quo anad everyone all around is cool, then fine by me. However, if he's leading a secretive parallel life with you... red flag.

My D will be final in June.

We are status quo b/c of health insurance. Financially the math worked out that if he kept me on his excellent health insurance it would equal out what I would've gained from his retirement. All other assets were gone or easily divided. It was a win-win for both of us. Everyone who should know does. No problems. All we need is a signature when the time comes.

Plenty of people stay separated but not divorced for years for financial reasons. They can't sell the house, one person needs insurance, etc. And honestly if you are living separately with no drama I see see how it's easy to sort of back-burner the paperwork.

I was separated from Aug of 2008 to April of 2012. Why? Because, it just wasn't important to me to get a divorce, me being "married" on paper changed absolutely nothing about my life. And, I wasn't divorcing my ex without a lawyer, and every time I had money, it seemed more important to pay the rent, or a year of car insurance, etc.

Emotionally, he must not want a divorce.

I completely disagree with this, you can WANT a divorce, but, not get one.

I think my concern would be, are you a secret? Does his wife know he has a girlfriend? If it is all on the up and up and everyone is honest, then I don't see a problem. But, if you are hidden, if they still play happy family at times, if either one is stringing the other along, then there is a problem.

Serious question here. Have you talked to his estranged wife? His child?

Never met his estranged wife. I have met his DS21, but we haven't discussed anything concerning his M.

I do appreciate these questions. Am I positive he is telling me the truth? Of course not. All I can say is that he has been honest with me so far on everything that can be verified (trust me, I am always looking for red flags) so I can only assume that he is telling me the truth here.

I think my concern would be, are you a secret?

No, I am not. His friends all know about me (including his marital friends). His DS21 knows about me. I can only assume his wife knows about me, but I have no desire to rub anything in her face.

I truly believe that if you want a divorce, you will get it. Or at least be working on it, or for crying out loud, get a legal separation.

You can get a divorce with a house that won't sell.

I didn't file for divorce until I'd had it because he was throwing money at me during the non-legal separation and I was happy to take it. But I'll share that while this was going on, not one single person I knew thought it made good sense for me to delay the inevitable. Everyone was talking about it behind my back, like no amount of money justified my reluctance to file. It was me against the world, thinking that I should hang on for the money. I didn't think being broke would make matters better, but it was clear that everyone else did.

Maybe it's ok to do it for health insurance. I guess I was just being a money grubbing bitch.

I just know I wouldn't date someone who wasn't legally divorced.

And I sure wouldn't date someone who said their marriage was dead for years but they stayed together for xyz reason. It does sound like classic WS speak. And believing it feels like classic AP. In my never popular opinion, it's just not healthy. Healthy people don't do that. They either fix it or get out. No kid wants to be blamed for their parents staying in a bad marriage.

Dude, the insurance coverage alone might be a reason for staying legally married. Especially at his age.

You can get a part time job at Starbucks and get health insurance.

And now with Obama Care, can't everyone get affordable insurance?

Hey, wait a minute! I resemble that remark! "At his age?" I'm 54 and I hardly need health insurance,

I was talking to my son about his health insurance and it sounds like the average policy is worthless. I wouldn't stay married to a cheater for what his policy covers. Or rather, doesn't cover.

I agree w damncutekitty, good health insurance is a HUGE reason. Also, my parents stayed together until my youngest brother went through college. And I too was a BS but I can honestly say our marriage was dead in a way for years beforehand.

It would mildly concern me, but at 3 months I wouldn't say a word unless asked.