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I have a question for you SI,

if your SO would say some things/do some things that were extremely hurtful, would you recover from it? How? Would you forgive? What if your relationship is never the same from there on forward?

When would you call it quits? How do you judge if it is wortt "hanging in for" or when it's time to call it quits for good?

Please, no 2X4's. I am hurting bad.

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 8:38 AM, March 19th (Tuesday)]

I guess it would depend on how they were said? How they were intended and if your SO was remorseful for hurting you?

I mean if they were deliberately said to hurt, with specific intent and SO was not sorry they said them and intent on showing you how wrong they were, then it would probably have to be time to re-evaluate if the relationship was something you wanted to be in?

Whereas sometimes words said in an arguement, whilst angry and not thinking clearly may be intended to lash out as a defence mechanism, well it may not be so bad, but looking at why those words were picked and why you were in that situation in the first place would surely a good starting point?

I think it's very situation specific, and personality dependent.

In general, if something someone says indicates to me that that person doesn't respect me completely, I wouldn't be willing to stay in a relationship with that person - even if we had a history together. Respect is very important to me, probably because of my personal history of abuse, so that's where my mind goes right away, without knowing the specifics of a situation.

Sometimes it can be easy to think that the history of a relationship together makes it worth "smoothing over" the bad stuff as it arises, because you don't want that investment to have been wasted, or because you know how much good there has been (and could be), but if the hurt is deep enough, or significant enough, it might be reason to move on. It's tough to say from the outside. But if it changes the way you interact with this person or makes you not want to relate to them in the same way, then your relationship has changed, and you need to evaluate whether the relationship as it exists now is a relationship you want to be in.

((EW))

(((hugs)))

I think more detail is needed. Did he say it in anger? Did he apologize? Has this behavior been present in the past and escalated or is this a single event?

I think that this judging process will be a bit time consuming to you. I think you need to look back on the good and the bad. Look for patterns of behavior. You might find this is an isolated thing or you might find this to be similar to past behaviors.

What happened, hon?

(((ExitWounds)))

AJ's MOM

[This message edited by ajsmom at 10:22 AM, March 18th (Monday)]

(((Exit Wounds)))

If it were a one time thing that happened, I might be able to get past it. When it's a recurring thing, then no, I would not forgive. When it's recurring, they are showing you who they really are and they are telling you exactly how they feel about you.

As far as when to end it, I would have done so already. It's just not worth the stress and heartache to keep at it when the person in question doesn't change.

Thank you guys for your input. I really can't go into details here, but it has been building... I am just not able to keep him happy. Nothing I do is good enough and he holds me to different standarts than his own family.

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 10:51 AM, March 18th (Monday)]

What lieshurt said.

It's enough, EW.

It's enough.

EW, sometimes when I'm not sure about a relationship, I do a cost-benefit analysis. Basically, what are you putting in versus what are you getting out? The painful words scenario would detract from what you're getting out of a relationship, and if he's holding you to a higher standard, you're probably putting a lot in.

If the balance doesn't strike even or in your favor over time, the relationship will just drain you. Obviously you have a reason for wanting to be with this person initially - does that reason hold true given all you're putting in and what you're getting out (positive and negative)?

I agree with Ama, about it being situation and personality specific. However, if you're feeling this badly about it and if you're questioning if it's time to pull the plug, please, please don't disregard your gut. Listen to it. There's a difference between something said in anger and flat-out meanness.

XSO had a temper and a scathing way with words when he wanted. It started very slowly but definitely built over the years. By the time we got to the end of our relationship, he thought nothing of screaming horrible, humiliating things at me in the front yard at night for all the neighbors to hear. And he never felt bad about it. He just didn't.

Honestly, I think there are some things you just don't bounce back from and that's okay. I can tell you the first time XSO yelled "Fuck you!" to me for anyone to hear was the exact moment I was done with him in my heart. The person who is supposed to love you shouldn't do anything to make you feel so low and they shouldn't be so utterly disrespectful. They just shouldn't.

I'll be alone until I die before I'll let someone treat me like that again. Bet on it.

I'm so sorry you're hurting.

(((((EW)))))

It started very slowly but definitely built over the years.

Very good point. We are best friends but somehow this turned into he is mad all the time and I walk on egg shells all the time. I spend my day worrying about wethere I upset him yet again over something something.

We are best friends but somehow this turned into he is mad all the time and I walk on egg shells all the time. I spend my day worrying about wethere I upset him yet again over something something.

Gently, hon.

So in essence, nothing has changed. You do know you can't change him, right?

I walk on egg shells all the time. I spend my day worrying about wethere I upset him yet again over something something

Oh honey... this is not how it's supposed to be. BTDT. I don't know the specifics but I'm so tempted to tell you to run. Like now.

(((EW)))

I really can't go into details here

This statement makes me think you won’t be able to recover. When you are unable to put a hurt into words in a way that you are comfortable sharing, it’s usually because you feel in your heart no one would understand you staying because you don’t understand it yourself.

if you are walking on eggshells all the time that is a very hard way to live. There is a good book out there called "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. Great book. Answers a lot of questions about what abuse and control look like. I highly recommend you get it. Just checked Amazon and it is in print.

((Exit Wounds))

This statement makes me think you won’t be able to recover. When you are unable to put a hurt into words in a way that you are comfortable sharing, it’s usually because you feel in your heart no one would understand you staying because you don’t understand it yourself.

This.

And also... there was so much I didn't share about XSO on here and that was because I knew in my toes that things were bad and I was ashamed... for staying where I knew I shouldn't be, for letting it go on, for involving the banana bunch in a bad situation, for letting him treat us the way he did... all of it. I was ashamed to admit how bad things were and that I was weak for staying. And because I just didn't see a way out.

But there is always a way out. It's not easy but it's there.

(((((EW)))))

[This message edited by wildbananas at 11:40 AM, March 18th (Monday)]

How do you judge if it is worht "hanging in for" or when it's time to call it quits for good?

When you find that you are changing who you are just so you don't rock the boat and upset them again. Then it's time to go. You shouldn't have to feel bad about who you are in a relationship.

One thing that helped me in finally seeing what was happening was to ask myself "if my best friend or daughter was in this situation what would I tell her?" Would this be acceptable for her? Or would I be asking her what the hell she was thinking for staying and putting up with the behavior.

Are you in IC? Have you read any books on abusive relationship? If not I would recommend picking up a few books on verbal and emotional abuse.

ETA: I also recommend "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. This was the book that finally helped me decide to leave.

[This message edited by jennie160 at 11:42 AM, March 18th (Monday)]

Exit, it is never okay to be walking on eggshells. I just left 17 years of that.

Also, one time after another driver flipped me the bird, my nine-year-old said, "The only other time I've seen a grown-up give the finger is when Mommy does it to you."

That said a lot to me.

[This message edited by pass at 1:18 PM, March 18th (Monday)]

Not a 2x4, just an observation and a question.

You've had issues with him in the past. If I remember correctly, they were deal breakers at the time, but you decided to give him another chance.

Even if these issues that you can't discuss are new issues, and even if the old issues have been dealt with, why continually put yourself through this stress?

We are best friends

I have to disagree. Friends don't treat you this way hun. Best friends certainly wouldn't.