SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

He cheated, lied, ruined our wedding. And now he is upset that I closed our joint account (there was no money in there as I mainly used it to transfer money to him), won't provide me with financial support since I filed for child support (hello our son still needs to eat), and is trying to make me feel guilty for having him served.

Did he not remember he fucked another woman? Oh shit... I think she left him and now his financial life will be in shambles due to his choices. Well he chose a two week affair partner over a five year relationship and the woman he was suppose to marry and who is mother of his son. Not only that but I begged and pleaded with him to keep our family together for about 1.5 months afterward, before I learned of affair fog, 180 and etc.

I told him their relationship wouldn't last and he was fucking up our family for a fling. He chose her. So why now is he upset?

I am proud of myself for setting up boundaries. "I am done with this conversation if you can not talk to me as an adult without name calling" and showing him my basic indifference. I think he is getting frustrated that I am not fighting back, name calling or etc. and since he hasn't given me any money for child support, I told him to buy what ever our son needs and bring the receipts to court next month. He doesn't like the clothes I packed for our son to spend 4 days with him.

I told him to own up to his actions. I didn't place us in this situation, he did. How long do they stay foul like this? Until they find another love interest?

Well, my theory is that they are angry at themselves but cannot "go there" in their minds, so they spew it all out on you. My ex was FURIOUS when I started to set boundaries and would not succomb to his manipulation and abuse. The angry and hateful emails and texts were probably in the hundreds!

You are doing GREAT at setting boundaries and enforcing them!!

I suspect a lot of it is a loss of control too. It makes them crazy.

Do they ever get past it?

Nutmegkitty, once I set that boundary today about how he speaks to me, he calmed down and started using please. We will see how long that continues, court is four weeks from today.

(((movingforward13))),

It's so hard to be so strong, but you are succeeding! I wish I had kicked my ExWH out the moment I found out! I'm so stupid for trying to make it work. Never again.

You need to do what is going to help YOU heal. To heck with WBF! You are right, he messed up BIG TIME, and now he has to pay the price.

That's not to say that maybe a long way down the road, after the healing has happened, you both may try again. It does happen, but he certainly needs to do a LOT of growing up before that should EVER be considered. But, at this time, you need to make your own move and stick with it! Going to IC I hope?

(((Hugs))) for doing a great job!

[This message edited by Rella at 5:11 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)]

I had the worst time getting NC in place last summer. But when I finally did, he threw a mantrum of epic proportions. And he will do that occassionally...he'll get worked up about something stupid he did and throw a little angry email my way.

You sound like you are doing great. Keep up NC and stick to your boundaries...your healing goes so much faster when you aren't getting sucked in to their crazy-ass lives.

moving - read my current post on the forum - A LOT OF ANGER in that one from her. As they continue to lose control over us and just plain lose us, the anger gets worse. In the case of mine - she can't hold our asset agreement, which she knew was a source of major stress for me, over my head anymore. Now that it is signed she is lashing out at me. Tough shit for them.

Great job with NC and let that ride. I sometimes can't hold back and retaliate but I shouldn't. I think the silence drives them even crazier than the rebuttal.

I don't know if my ex is past it or not. It's no longer my issue. Let his anger rot his soul for all I care.

I don't know if my ex is past it or not. It's no longer my issue. Let his anger rot his soul for all I care.

A-men.

I am proud of myself for setting up boundaries

I'm proud of you too. You ROCK girl!

Yeah, he's gonna whine, throw hissy fits, threaten everything under the sun, and basically show himself to be the assclown he is.

You, on the other hand, have already shown you have a good head on your shoulders and are going to do what's right for you and your son. Good for you!

I know you're going to have some 3:00 a.m. doubts. We all do at this phase. Hold strong, and don't settle for anything less that what you deserve. And ya know what? It's totally up to you to determine what you want and what you deserve.

Never settle for less that what you, and your son, deserve.

Yup, the sperm donor is gonna have have to man up and pay CS. BooHoo. He's going to try to play you on that one. Be prepared for LOTS of manipulation schemes....they are coming.

Keep coming here for support, but you seem to have a VERY good grasp of the basics and the bullshit coming your way. Way. To. Go.

Thank you so much everyone.

And thank you exhausted lady, for giving me a preview of what to expect. I honestly thought after this last conversation, he would accept things and ride off quietly into the sun set... I guess I have more learning to do... Manipulation schemes? Any examples of what to expect?

STBXH here doesn't do some of the boundaries that I put out, so I redo them. I repeat them so he knows they weren't just for "that other time".

He is NPD and cannot tolerate boundaries of any kind. He is many other things as well that I never linked to the boundary concept, but it all adds up now. Love for him really made heavy blinders for me but they are slowly coming off.

I am having similar things happen as you, MF13, and as we proceed to court and mediation, he's trying some new things and bringing out the old.

He tries to blame me for whatever he can and I don't know if that will come up for you. He tried to blame me for his A, for several jobs he lost and for his life's problems.

He told me prior to actual abandonment that I was giving him a heart attack, when he was panicking over leaving the marriage. He sees me as the end-all wrong in his life and further said very recently that "WE have said to much to go back." I didn't cheat!-he did! I didn't lie!-he did! and so on.

Yes, STBXH gets upset but has never been able to tell me to my face, so I get mean emails or texts when he is more daring. Maybe it's when OW pushes or whines, that's a new suspicion I have.

Yes, as well as your WH, STBXH isn't good with money choices and doesn't keep me informed, so he takes that out on me, as well.

I'm sorry for your hard time and find when I try to tell him like it is, it just makes his feelings and anger at me worse. But it's the hardest thing I've ever done, to watch him walk away and ruin his life as well as our familys.

My STBX was/is a histrionic rage machine. Told her break it off from POS, or D, total tire spinning, nearly have a wreck RAGE. Same when she thought her family would find out, same when asking about her A, and she would rage, lie and gaslight me in front of DD. Total rage when she found out her precious 401k and pension were on the D table...

These broken POS know little else as if dealing with a spoiled, petulant 5 year old. They love fucking around, the rush of deceit and lies, and all they can do to the person they hurt the worst is RAGE. I have told her: "Geez, for someone who found a new lover, makes about $120,000/year, seems to be planning a future with POS, and said I have no regrets for what I have done, why aren't you blissfully happy".

Yep, selfish assholes they are, crybabies, and spoiled brats who think the world revolves around them, and can't handle when folks show them otherwise and drop the rope. Conflict is their oxygen, and about now she is suffocating. Keep up the good work MF13.

It's no longer my issue. Let his anger rot his soul for all I care.

^^^ditto^^^

Any hint on what to expect? I think you should expect that he is doing his utmost to poison your child's soul. I'd bet cash money that he talks trash about you and is trying to manipulate your son's mind against you. If I were you I'd ask your pediatrician for a referral to a child psych doctor who specializes in play therapy and parental alienation. It is shocking what angry cheaters will do to their own children when the betrayed spouse stands up for themselves.

I have no clue why they get so mad. Six months ago I wouldn't suspect that WW would hurt a gnat. Since D-Day, who are you??? She flies off the handle at the smallest things. We haven't had a single conversation in weeks that hasn't ended with her hanging up the phone.

I feel like I'm the one who cheated. I have to believe that it's a defense mechanism. Their brains can't accept the consequences of their actions. Personally, I felt like I was in hell after D-Day. I moved out, stopped seeing my kid everyday, and all of my plans and dreams were now being rewritten without her or completely erased. Though I don't feel any sympathy in the slightest, I can't imagine what it's like to go through all of that and know that you're the cause of it all.

Maybe that's why they get mad. It's easier to pretend you're the aggressor. God help them.

Good job sticking to your boundaries. I'm finding that one of the most difficult aspects of this right now. My STBX is the same way...SOOO angry and blaming ME! Every boundary I put up brings on the next round of his "woe-is-me" pity party from hell.

His little fling is gone now (moved to another state), he's going to be paying me a lot of money for many years to come (our youngest is only 6 and we have 3 young children), and his biggest source of narcissistic supply (ME!) is now completely through with his shit.

Since he seems to be entirely incapable of taking responsibility for his HORRIBLE actions and the resulting massive downturn in his life, it MUST be the mean old STBXBS's fault!

It's absolutely amazing how these jerks can be so selfish and DISGUSTING while ruining the lives of people they supposedly "love" most but still get angry at any consequences to them from THEIR OWN actions. We're supposed to suck everything up and deal and these idiots can't even deal with it themselves.

Not to t/j but Ashland13, it's like we married the same narc.

I too almost gave my husband a "heart attack." When I kept asking him to stop cheating on me. I was spending considerably less time coddling him and more time dealing with the incredible pain and stress he was putting me through and he suddenly got reoccurring chest pains. It was his way of shutting me up. OMG..how could I be so cruel as to keep bringing up the affair he was actively engaged in if it was going to kill him any moment?! He would even start checking his pulse every time I got upset. In retrospect, it was hilariously stupid. At the time however I actually (briefly) backed off and even apologized for causing HIM any ill effects.

He also mentioned to other people how things I said couldn't be taken back easily...uh yeah..it's totally what I SAID that was in the way of us reconciling..it wasn't what he was doing, actually WHO he was doing.

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 6:54 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

He would even start checking his pulse every time I got upset.

Oh, he didn't!

I can now have a quiet chuckle over the oscar worthy performances I witnessed but this one takes the cake!