SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi

I am a returning SI member. I joined 3 years ago when ex-spouse moved out and filed for divorce.

Fast forward 3 years, we have been divorced for 18 months now. This coming week I need to go to court again. He has filed for custody of my 16 year old daughter

I just need some SI encouragement

Thanks in advance.

Welcome back, although I'm sorry you need to be here. Unless there are other circumstances like your daughter wanting to live with him, at 16 y/o most children are allowed to live where they choose so she should be allowed to stay with you. What has your atty said?

My XH's Exwife is taking him to court to have their divorce decree changed as their girls are 14 and 16 y/o - therefore old enough to choose when to go or not for visitation with him.

Hang in there!

[This message edited by GrievingMommy at 10:29 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

Sending encouragement and good thoughts your way.

I am sorry you find yourself back here needing support, but I also glad we're here for you when you need us.

Has your DD expressed a desire to change custody? In FL after a certain age (the age of decision) they kids can have a say in where they want to live, but they do not get to dictate where they want to live. They get just as much voice as the parents do.

Hugs, cause it hurts to deal with this stuff.

K

Thanks for the responses. In the original divorce decree I was awarded full custody. Last December he filed for custody of all three kids.

He was awarded 50/50 of my older two (18 and 16 year old). And he was awarded primary custody of our 14 year old son. I was distraught at this ruling.

My children did want to see more of their dad and my youngest has been really angry at me for over the past 8 months

I think part of the reason is that I moved out of the marital home last June and let my ex buy me out. He then proceeded to move in and he lets the kids do whatever they want.

Not knowing your full story, let me ask a stupid question. How much do your children know? At their age, I wouldn't white wash what their father did to you. If they know everything, and they still choose him, there's not much else you can do at their age.

And if they do know and yet they want to move there, then you should let them under protest. Just remember though, if they know the truth, deep down inside, they know who they can turn to for real support and who they can't.

I feel for you.

I have told my children that the marriage broke down because of his alcoholism and his unfaithfulness.

He pretty much has no boundaries over at his house. My house is also much smaller, no game room, pool hot tub etc.

I'm also very worried as I just learned that he is letting my older two have parties there and one parent told me that he is supplying the alcohol which is why she will not let her daughter go over there.

one parent told me that he is supplying the alcohol

you need to immediately contact the police about his contributing to the delinquency of a minor and notify the courts immediately.

I know it's hard, but after hearing that, you need to take action now! FIGHT!

By the way, he can be arrested for that I think. Legal age for alcohol is 21. Even if he is not contributing to the delinquency of a juvenile, he is supplying alcohol to those underage, which is also a crime.

Either way, this is your opportunity. Make sure that one parent will be willing to testify.

I did speak to a policeman yesterday and he told me that where I live it is not illegal for him to give his own children alcohol and with the other kids as long as he has their parents approval then it is ok.

My 16 year old daughter stole from me and I found out and confronted her with it and she went to her dads that night and has not returned to me since. It has been over five weeks now. It was only 10 days after I caught her that I was served the summons.

I am so distraught over all this. I have been calling and texting her and she will not respond. I even called her dad but he told me that he is not going to force her to come see me if she does not want too. Does anyone know if this contempt of the court order?

It is hard when they becme teenagers and have a Disney parent. My son decided to go live with his Dad at age 14. He hated my husband and his Dad didn't work so he could do whatever my son wanted. They lived with X's parents and they also spoiled him rotten. He had no chores, no responsbility. It really hurt our relationship as I would not always agree with everything his dad allowed (bull riding for example- I said no, Dad said OK, DS broke his collar bone and hurt his leg). My DS went into the military when he turned 18. He was very smart and a major college right in the same town, but X talked him into the military becuase he didn't want to support him now that his CS ran out. I am not saying there is anything wrong with the military, but he was way too smart and should have went to college.

I know it is heartbreaking. BTDT. However there is little you can do to stop it at this age and as you have seen, the courts don't care what is best for the children. (((HUGS)))

While it may true that if he has permission it's ok, do you really think that they're having a party and the parents of all the kids have given permission? Really? I doubt it. I'd dig if I were you. Find out if you can who were at these parties, contact the parents and find out if permission was given. Not many with half a brain will say they did.

Also, keep in mind I'm sure they were all provided taxis from his house back to their parents' houses....or did they just sleep it off at his?

Also, although that may be what the police officer was telling you, I'd still contact the family court.

Whatever you do, don't give up.

Also, you know your 16yr DD stole from you and she is denying it. I wouldn't sweept that under the rug either. I'd file a police report on that also.

Sounds harsh I know. Might be the only way to wake them up.

As I mentioned before, don't give up.

I have updated my profile with some background. Please read if you can

I'm pretty sure that other parents are not aware of this but my own children will not be honest with me and tell me that this is going on. I'm not sure if I should blow this cover before we go in front of the judge or wait til Monday and explain it all to the judge. My ex has no idea that I know this

Read the background. I'm not saying you should blow cover at all. And no, you're not going to get anything from your kids. We all know that. But dig for what you can with their friends, if you can. Do what you have to do.

I'd say he's endangering your kids, particuarly the 14/16 year olds with this nonsense. The 18yo may do what he wants, but the other two cannot. They may have a say as to what they want to do, but they don't control the situation. And neither does the father. They cannot overrule you.

Any judge should be able to see what's going on and make an appropriate ruling based on the circumstances. If they can't, one has to wonder why they'd be a family court judge in the first place. Also, the judge needs to know he's an alcoholic (if that's the case).

Also, I'd air the dirty laundry. They're all old enough to know the truth. Tell them about everything. Not just simply an affair, but a sex addict? Yea, I'd let it rip at this point.

Sounds like you're holding back on them thinking you're doing a good thing. But it doesn't sound good to me. Air all of his crap now.

Explain to them the reality that their father is not only an alcoholic, but also a sex addict, and that he can't be trusted around their friends, particuarly their female ones. Also explain that if he's drunk, who's being responsible?

The judge should see that very clearly.

Thanks for your response. I have been praying on this for the past few weeks but am so scared to tell them. I know they love their dad but I feel that they also know that what he is doing is wrong

In the suit it does say that I cannot make disparaging remarks about their dad but if I am telling the truth is that disparaging??

Also in December the judge recommended strongly that my youngest get professional counseling. So far that has not happened and I have met with his school counsellor who is also concerned about him too. I have his attendance records and grade report to show the judge how he is struggling academically and that his dad is keeping him off school when he is not ill.

Reality check

1) protecting a thief

2) contributing to the delinquency of minors

3) drunk himself (likely)

4) sex addict (probably hits on your children's friends)

5) contributing to the truancy of your children

6) probably doesn't have permission to pass out alcohol as the officer is assuming (cause he's lazy)

7) kids are probably driving home drunk from his parties

8) if he's drunk, who's being the responsible party?

9) child not getting the counseling they need.

10) grades are failing.

Just from what you briefly told me.

Any good lawyer needs to take this up and chew this son of a bitch up like an alligator would chew your leg off...

I do not have a lawyer for this upcoming court date. When we went in front of her in December we both represented ourselves. I don't believe he has a lawyer this time around.

Monday you say? That gives you 2.5 days before then to find one and have him/her up to speed enough to get the judge to bite on what you have to say, award temporary custody to the court or you.

Also, he should have to pay for the legal fees because of this...but if that doesn't happen, do you have family that can help?

I'm guessing your husband's a smooth talker and convinced you that lawyers are expensive and bla bla bla. That's why he was probably able to convince a judge.

If ever there was a time you needed legal help, it is now. You are obviously smart enough to see the problems, but you need someone who is going to take the shit from this asshole and shove it right back up the dark hole its coming from. Hate to be so vulgar, but it is what it is.

What's odd is usually courts are favored towards the women, but it seems the opposite here. It'd be one thing if he was being a good parent, but he's obviously not. I normally hate lawyers but you need a beast on your side right now.

[This message edited by la433 at 12:15 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

I do have family that offered to pay for a lawyer but hate to go down this road. I am gathering all my information to show the judge on set out the facts

Do you think a lawyer would do any different?

I also have four cases of contempt of court against him

1. I have an injunction that he is not allowed alcohol around the children when in his possession. I have a text from my son to daughter that him and dad are at a bar and dad is drinking beer.

2. We were court ordered to use ourfamilywizard to communicate via email. I have texts from him this past month that can not afford to pay the $99 yearly fee.

3 it is court ordered that he pay me 30 percent of his 2012 bonus check. He has not done so and refuses to answer my emails and text regarding this.

4. I have 50 percent with my older two and with the16 year old hiding out there I called him to have her come to me and he refuses to get involved. Is this contempt of the court order? :