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I can deal with all of it. I can do the pregnancy, him living with her, the horror between us, etc. But I CANNOT just stand by and let her have my babies. THEY'RE MINE! She can't have them!! She can have him, she can have their baby, whatever idgaf. But they are MY BABIES, she doesn't get to create memories and thoughts and happy times with them. Fuck her!!

How do I cope with her near my babies, and them loving her like they did this weekend?

Ugh, I only wish I could give you advice. My kids have not met OW yet, but I know it's coming soon. She lives out of state and STBXH plans on moving her here soon. The kids and I are going out of state for the whole summer (yay!), but I can be sure that the skankface will be here by the time I get back.

I don't know how to handle it either. Just seeing her will make want to rip her face off. The thought of her going anywhere near my sweet babies when she helped destroy their home is unthinkable. I'll be looking for other's advice on this one.

He doesn't give a shit, he spends one day a week with my older two and included her and her tel kids on their day. They cried themselves tockseonthe next day. Today Dumbass had the baby and the baby came home knowing how to clap hands. I know it was her doing it.

I keep trying to be the bigger person. BUT I CAN'T DO IT. I Want her dead. I would never do it, but I dream if it. She has her own kids, leave mine alone.

Zamas-

I don't know how you younger women with little ones deal with this. Honestly, it's beyond me. But, I know that it can be done because I've seen it.

You're not that far into recovering from the whole messy business that is betrayal and loss. Give yourself time and know this:

You are the strong one.

Ugh, I really don't know, still trying to figure that one out. I guess my fear of jail helps me cope and not go bat shit crazy on them both..

My horrible story is that my WH involved my kids with MOW and her son for over a year and a half without me knowing and having them lie to me about it, telling them, "Don't tell mom, I'll tell mom, she'll be mad if you talk about it." I'm absolutely horrified and still can't wrap my head around what happened or what I should do about it, but the children and I are both in IC, and I'm doing my best to teach them about secrets and lies..

I guess what I've learned is that you have to believe that you are their mother, and she can never take your place, and maybe it's better in the long run that they like her..

I know this isn't much comfort as it hurts LIKE HELL having them come home and say how much fun they had with the whore and her kid.. My kids just love her son, and her, and always tell me how much fun they had.. I just wish I could tell them what she did to mommy, how badly her and dad treated me, that they should hate the hell out of both of them!! Of course we can't do that, but it doesn't take away the fact that it feels like a betrayal from the kids.. It's like if my sister started being all friendly with the OW, she would be disowned! But I can't do that to the kids..

I don't think I've even processed all the horror and mind movies of the affair, because my focus is constantly on the kids and what happened to them. The sex and whatever just seems so unimportant to worry about compared to protecting my kids and making sure they come out of this healthy. But I think a lot of it starts with making sure I'm healthy, and that will make me a better mother, and then I can be more confident and not care so much about those twisted fucks and the shit they try to pull..

I think my best advice is to just keep being the best mother you can be. Sometimes it's tempting to start playing Disney mom, buying them stuff and doing great fun things with them, but that doesn't really last. It's more about the emotional connection, being involved in their lives, asking about school, their friends, what they are interested in, teaching them new things and congratulating and supporting them.. That's the stuff that really builds a strong connection with them that will last a lifetime..

Unfortunately there's just not much we can do in these cases. I think this is the worst part of infidelity and divorce, the damage that it does to the kids, and for some reason we just have to accept it and find a way to cope.. I don't know that it gets any easier, but I think building up your confidence in your own mothering abilities is the best thing you can do to feel better about this.

((((Zamas))))

You can restrict who's around your children, can you not? You may not be able to stop your XWH from seeing his children, but you can have them shielded from her if you want. Your XWH may not like it at all, but if he wants to see his kids, then this is how it will work. And if his whore doesn't like it, then you know where she can go...

I know in my situation, we have a clause that states that the kids cannot see the other's parents without consent of the other. (On both sides our parents are bat shit crazy.)

Just a suggestion that I think has given me peace that my kids aren't going to be around crazy without me knowing.

[This message edited by la433 at 12:57 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

I'm sorry. I can tell you from personal experience that this is the part that sucks the most.

I can also try to give you a few nuggets of advice that I hope may help.

First, you can try to restrict access to her, but it will likely be a waste of time, energy, and lawyers fees. They've already been around her so unless you can prove that her presence during visitations is detrimental to the children, a court probably won't care. Call your lawyer to ask, but don't be surprised at the answer.

Next, this is the stage of fun. Fun, fun, fun, fun. She's new and trying hard like most OW to hook your ex even more by getting to his kids. It could be like this for a while, but it likely will end. She's pregnant, right? Was everything in your world idyllic right before you gave birth and after the baby arrived? It wasn't for me. Of course I fell in love with my kids right away, but it was a stressful, emotional time. The fun will stop once she has her own kid.

Third, what may happen once she has the baby is that she will want her kid pushed to the forefront and yours pushed out of the way. This is another reason the fun, fun, fun stage goes away.

Fourth, and most importantly, she will NEVER steal your babies or become more important to them than you. Never. Please remember that as they go off for a visitation. They are coming home to you and they will never place her even close to mommy on their pedestals. So, as you remember that, please also remember that you sometimes just have to swallow shit for their sakes. If they sense that you don't want them going there, they will feel torn and bad. They love their dad and this stupid bitch is the price of admission to see him right now. You never have to be friends with her and you never even have to talk to her. Let the stories go in one ear and out the other. I've tried to perfect my "that's nice" fake smile over the last year and my ability to then redirect the conversation. You will have to try to do that for their sakes.

Finally, it gets better over time. And, over time, and as you see how she treats them once her true colors come out, you will realize that it's better if she's nice to them. My kids do not like OW. My ex lives with her now and she's not very nice to my kids and does her best to dig at them and make them feel uncomfortable in their fathers home. They are little and would be easy to sway, but she can't and won't even do that. She's a selfish, juvenile, POS nightmare that my kids are now stuck with until they are older and allowed to make the decision about where and when to visit, and/or she really screws up and I can convince a court to keep her away. My ex is clued in to her treatment of them and he's obviously torn. He's a pussy and it remains to be seen who he will ultimately choose. I guess what I'm saying is that, while I was as sick and disgusted that OW got to be around my kids as you, I now wish she would have tried to be nicer to them. The fact of the D hurts them even more because of her behavior toward them.

I hope that helps a little. I know it's awful, but you will get through this like everything else.

In my case my DD (now 5) lived alternately for 3-4 months with me in Europe and with WH and OW in his country of residence and I only survived this because I knew that he would never challenge her ULTIMATELY living with me if I agree to that but it was the hardest time ever and only now that this is behind me I am relaxed and don`t see the bitch as competition anymore.

I think in some ways she handled my daughter quite well (from what I heard from others) but my little girl doesn`t shed a tear for OW after finally moving back with me and DS (12) in March.

Now WE are creating the rituals, the memories and my baby is thriving.

She will see OW for 2 weeks in the summer holidays but that`s about it as WH always comes to Europe to see the kids without her.

My son met OW twice for vacation trips but never mentions her and knowing his personality I really believe that she is absolutely insignificant for him because she does not at all play any role in his day to day life.

I am happy that the bitch will never enjoy the family life that I have with my kids (WH doesn`t want any more kids and clearly told her so) and that, if she is stupid enough to stick around WH , she will most probably end up bitter and childless in a few years....

They are coming home to you and they will never place her even close to mommy on their pedestals.

Wish I could say the same for us BHs who've been kicked out of the house. Many WWs try to have the OM play daddy. It only ends up confusing the kids--maybe not with who the "real/biological" daddy is, but who's the authority. Problem is OM doesn't really want the job--just doing it to get to have sex with WW.

As for the BWs, your situation is better. There will never be any doubt who mommy is.

The only thing I loathe more than those whores (him and her) touching and spending time with my beautiful girls is the thought of someone being unkind to them.

You have no choice. Yes there are legal restrictions some can put into place but not in this country unfortunately.

20 weeks after S the sad clown was ready to introduce OWUmpteen, his 24 year old office gopher to my almost 5 and just over 2 year olds.

I don't know how but I survived it. My love for my girls outweighs my loathing of the situation and those whores by approximately a million percent.

Where it gets hard is when the sad clown is unkind to them. I don't know what I would do if one of his whores was unkind to them.

I think it would involve someones face being ripped off.

As it stands she does not appear to be unkind to them. Its all their POS father.

I could have written your original post. By far, the hardest part of this journey for me is knowing my kids are spending close to 50% of their time with her since she practically lives with him now. Even though I know she will never replace me, it is hard not to feel threatened by her presence in their lives. Especially when right now she is being super fun & nice to get them to like her.

It does get easier with time. At first I would burst into tears when they talked about her. Now, I can put on my best fake smile, say that's nice & change the subject. I don't really ask too much about what they do at daddy's which also helps. I wish I had better advice but I'm still working through this myself. Just know you are not alone, too many of us find ourselves in this situation. (((Zamas)))

You have received some great words of wisdom already, but I will add my two cents.

The short and simple answer is that I have no choice.

I don't mean that to sound uncaring -

I get how excruciating it is. In my case, the OW was my very best friend. She divorced her husband (who she has 3 kids with), ex divorced me, and they married each other. I had no control over that - I watched her (now) ex husband go crazy putting morality clauses in their decree, stringent right of first refusal mandates, subpoena my ex to testify about the affair in their divorce, etc.

I did none of that. I focused on my kids, getting myself and them in therapy, and worked like crazy to heal and let go of the anger.

At the end of the day, you HAVE to accept it, or go crazy fighting it.

I chose to empower myself and focus on my own happiness. It's HARD, don't get me wrong - she shows up at EVERYTHING, goes to parent teacher conferences, e-mails me regularly about the kids (I ignore), etc. It stings, but it's getting easier.

The kids tell me their father is miserable and yells at them all the time. My oldest (13) tells his friends and teachers he can't stand his stepmother. They are living out their choices.

As much as you can, focus on your own life, healing and happiness. Hang in there.

These are all great words of advice that I plan on taking myself once the OW goes from STBX's EOW Disney partner to Owife.

The best we can do is 180 them, Zamas. I have tried to prepare my kids for that as best I can. I have told them that they should always be polite and on their best behavior with the OW, but I would never meet her/spend time with her because she was a part of their dad's life, which I was no longer a part of. When that didn't work with my eldest, I also told him that I'd never meet the OW because she "made bad choices," and that got my STBX mad, but too bad-- my kids need to understand the dynamic ahead of time so that they can adjust to it. I'm not going along on family trips with them, sitting with them at school concerts, or chatting with her at drop off. That's just how it is. STBX thinks I should just pretend everything is peachy, but the only way I'll be able to cope is by doing the 180. I think that's the best we can hope for until the relationship collapses under its own narcissism.

(((Zamas)))

I'm so sorry Zamas! I don't know how I'd cope if Mrs. Robinson got to spend time with the dear sweet little boy *I* have raised!

I'm very fortunate. WXBF has never had custody of DS nor primary custody of his DD and he's not in a financial position to file. I will soon for DS's security. As it is DD's mom and I both now only allow visitation if that woman isn't around. And now he hasnt seen either child in nearly two weeks. Selfish asshat.

(((Zamas))) Hang in there and know that no one EVER takes mommys place. If she tries they will eventually resent her for not respecting their boundaries. You are so strong.

OMG,

I have this coming too. STBXH is being cooperative with my wishes that DD not meet OW "for now", he keeps repeating at me.

I feel exactly like you, Zamas. Any advice is apprecited, because during false R, I got pregnant and the little we've talked about the baby coming, Perv/STBXH has made comments about "I'll take the baby with me at night too." WFT? A brand new baby away from its mother?

What kind of person does that?

The one thing I can think of to offer isn't really advice, but hopefully comfort.

I will give some of NL's (Neighbor Lady's) story who deals with this almost every day of her life.

At the beginning of their D, their two kids were really gung-ho to go with Fun Dad/Starshine. But he is alcoholic and just lets loose on weekends and OW there does the same.

Now this EXH went so far as to attempt to take the older DS from NL and get custody, but when DS got in big trouble, sent him packing back home.

A few years later, those boys make such fun of their father and OW it's amazing. The man has no credence in their eyes also and when he attempts discipline, they laugh or snicker at him. He has lost all of their disrespect, esp. after having to call the mom from jail on their vacations with dad because no one else will come get him out.

I don't know if that will help any, but it helps me as we move blindly towards that phase. It helps me to understand that sometimes I don't even have to do anything, for that Karma Bus comes right around the mountain like Grandma, you know, like the song?

For me, even though Perv isn't coming back (or welcome now) watching his fumbles helps me as it does NL. And, I'm not even around for him to blame anymore.

And, even though he is FunDad and I am SchedulMom, DD is beginning to realize who the steady and thoughtful people are going to be in her life.

All that Glitters is Not Gold.

As others have said, I deal with it because I don't have much choice. WH is breaking our pendente lite court order from the judge now by having cumdumpster around DD but we are so close to being done I am not going to waste anymore time and money on fighting it. Once we are divorced I will lose all control anyways.

I am fortunate that WH does not see DD for that long - he does see her regularly but not for a long period of time. So I try to not think about it. Ignore it as best I can. He has no clue about DD and what toddlers do/need/want and he is fun disney dad. Cumdumpster is 23 yo - she's not got a clue about, well anything. DD comes back alive - overtired, hungry and thirsty most of the time but alive. I don't want to wish her childhood away but sometimes I think I can't wait until she's a bit older so I will at least have a better idea as to what the eff goes on when she's with him - bc he's not telling the truth that's for sure:(

[This message edited by Fooled Me Twice at 8:13 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

Zamas, believe me when I say OW will never, ever replace you as mom. Never. She will never come between you and your children. The bond that you share with your children is instinctual and subconcious. I have said it before...I will say it again...when your children wake up from a nightmare, it will not be OW that they cry for...ever. It will be you. It will always be you.

This is how I have learned this truth: ex-shat got stripper whore pregnant within a month or two of D-day. They played happy fucking family with my Teslet the entire time. Got him excited about being a brother...stripper whore played with him, bought him presents, took him out to eat, to the park. I was so worried that they would be able to give him the happy little family that I no longer could. But then something happened...the bigger deal they made about the baby sister in stripper whore's belly, the more my little Teslet asked me where he came from. I told him he came from my tummy and he was so happy to know that. They thought all the glitz and excitement would endure him to them...in fact, it cemented the bond between Teslet and me.

The OC has been born and know stripper whore is my son's primary care-giver when he's over there AND she's responsible for a baby. And a grown man-baby. Yeah, that's living the dream. She's managing and for that I'm actually grateful. But I imagine that it's stressful and not full of unicorns and fairy dust like she thought that it would be. Teslet likes her like he does a baby-sitter. Nothing more.

I promise you, it will be ok. Once that baby comes, the fun is OVER.

And something else that I've discovered...All the time that stripper whore spends with my son is time he is not spending with his father in a one-on-one situation. This is what Teslet craves more than anything...daddy time. The more the whore is in the picture means his relationship is more strained with his father...which drives Teslet closer to me.

Trust me on this.

I am living proof of what Tesla is saying. My son is closer to me than anyone. He and I have bonded so much over the last 2 years, more than we were before and that is saying something since we have a SUPERGLUE bond.

He does not look forward to time spent at their house. He goes but it isn't an exciting thing for him. It's kinda like going to school.

I had no choice in the whole thing cause they had been doing "family" outings and get togethers behind my back for years. My kids were involved before I was

I wasn't going to let them use my kids to continue to help them lie to me.

To be honest, I don't feel I "let" my children near ow as much as I've been left with no other choice. There is nothing in my sttae that could keep my kids from ow unless stbxwh agreed and he'd NEVER do that.

A year ago, I was exactly where you are. The thought of my babies being around the woman that knowingly set out to destroy my family, made me sick to my stomach. However, over time, I have realized a lot of things.

First, I've been honest with my children that I will not be friends (again) with ow because she hurt and lied to me. However, I have also told them that, just as with anyone else in their life, they need to base their opinions of her on how she treats them. I want them to enjoy their time with stbxwh and as long as they get along with ow, then I am happy they are enjoying their time. They know I don't call her by name and they don't reference her around me.

Secondly, ow would never do anything to hurt our children. Partially because she's afraid of stbxwh taking their side over hers, but more so because she is slightly afraid of me. She knows I have never "let her have it" and when she tired to initiate a conversation between us via text I clearly let her know there was nothing she could ever say to justify her actions nor did I even care enough about her to give her the chance. I have also told her that she is not a welcome presence in my childrens' lives and if she ever hurt them, she would regret the day she met me. stbxwh was not happy with me after that.

Third, ow has never had children of her own and the reality of 4 of them is more than she really wants in her life. So, I know she is not encouraging of joining stbxwh on the "real" time with the kids. She only wants to be part of the "fun" times. Therefore, she won't be the one to ever truly "deal with" the kids unless it's to play games or eat pizza.

Finally, as everyone has said, children KNOW who their Mom is. I've even talked about this with the kids because I'm certain stbxwh will marry ow as soon as legally possible. They understand that she will be their Daddy's wife, but, in their words, she isn't a "mom". To be fair, I've also been clear that if/when I ever date it is not to replace their Daddy for them, but to provide companionship for me. They are well aware they have ONE Mom and ONE Dad.

Does this make everything "okay-dokay"? No. I still have my issues. For instance our oldest daughter has a sporting event on Sunday. I told stbxwh that ow is NOT welcome because it is MY Mother's Day. Will he respect me enough not to bring her, doubtful. And, if he brings her, I just hope that someday I can return the favor and bring some man along to some function on Father's Day.

Good luck. I know it's cliche' but the pains you are feeling now will begin to subside. I think our emotions, no matter how strong, save us from insanity by finding a way to ease over time. What is appalling now becomes less appalling and almost a sad new normal. It's a way of self-preservation.

All betrayed mom's here. I am the BS dad and I was not able to stop it either. She introduced my kids to the OM within a month after I filed. Now when she gets mad during a fight she tells me there is nothing I can do about it. Asshat will be their stepdad at some point soon. Inside it makes me rage, big time. But I can't do anything about it. I tried to talk to my lawyer about it from the beginning, and he told me as others have said here, you can't stop it unless he/she does something to your kids or your WS agrees to it. So I am stuck with knowing that shithead gets to spend evenings with my kids. It sucks really bad but I just try to not think about it. Now he even attends functions like soccer games, band recitals, etc. I just show up on my own and speak to the other parents there. Most of them know those two have a cheating history now so they don't usually talk to anyone. It still sucks all the same.

[This message edited by Dadtryingtocope at 6:17 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]