SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It has been 9 days since I opened up to my H, got shot down, and turned 180 on him. And it is killing me! I don't feel stronger yet and he's either not even noticing or just doesn't care. He is so stubborn and is so competitive he is probably just going to keep 180 me back. Ughhhh

What are hoping to gain from the 180? Hopefully, you realize this is to help you get stronger.

The way you describe it is "killing you" I am guessing you are expecting it to effect him:

And it is killing me! I don't feel stronger yet and he's either not even noticing or just doesn't care. He is so stubborn and is so competitive he is probably just going to keep 180 me back. Ughhhh

If you expect him to notice or expect it to change him, it is probably never going to "work." This is more about you learning to build a new life for yourself, with or without him, learning to find interests in life that don't involve him.

I guess I have to keep telling myself that. It's so painful though. I want him back. I miss him. But I guess he doesn't miss me.

((((momof3gbb)))))

Lovingly and gently, here is a 2x4. Many of us have told you, also in the General thread, the 180 is not about him. The 180 is about you, your joy, your strength, your sanity. You are not in 180 if you are hoping he'll come to you missing you. You are simply being passive aggressive and withholding. There is a difference. The difference is intent. Is it for you or for him? From what you have said, thus far, you need to refocus and make it about you. The entire point is to not care anymore about his choices....even the choice of whether he returns and recommits or turns and walks away. ( <--- ESPECIALLY, that choice.)

What activities are you doing to build yourself up and learn to live life regardless of his choices?

Self-Care versus Selfishness

What does self-care mean? Self-care refers to a commitment to one’s own good health. Pauline Boss, PhD, describes health as “relational…the ability to enjoy a positive connection with another person and with a community of others; preventive health is the presence of resilience in the face of stress and trauma.”7 Former President Jimmy Carter describes health as “relational, able-bodied, involves self-regard, and includes control over our own affairs, strong ties with other people, and a purpose in life.”8 Carter says some of the best advice he ever received was that it was “better to use recreation to preserve health than to use medicine and treatment to regain health” once it was gone. He goes on to say a few dollars or days spent pursuing a hobby or pastime is a sound investment, paying off both in enjoyment and in avoiding medical expenses. In the recovery community, people use the acronym HALT, which helps serve as a reminder of self-care concepts. If you’re Hungry, you need to eat; if you’re Angry, find a way to express anger safely; if you’re Lonely, reach out and connect with trusted friends, family, or family of choice; if you’re Tired, then rest. Many times people are taught that taking care of our own needs is being selfish. Sometimes your needs may conflict with the needs of others and that’s okay. Selfishness usually is accompanied by a lack of mindfulness, humility, or compassion, which isn’t the same as self-care. Unless someone is a dependent child, adults can take the responsibility necessary to take care of their own needs and be mindful of their loved ones. Being mindful of self-care doesn’t mean behaving in a controlling way; rather, it reflects a care deeply felt and observed for the self while considering others. There are ways to keep track of your self-care. Consider Sarina’s approach. She was married to a man who was the deacon at their local church. She discovered he had been regularly viewing online pornography of teen girls. She was devastated. She and her husband sought counseling after he was caught by his church and reported to the authorities. When Sarina started working on her own recovery, she began focusing on herself and her unmet needs. She began to make a list of different categories: health, spirituality, friends, creativity, family, and relationships. She then broke these categories down into two or three things that represented her own personal self-care plan. For example, under “family” she wrote: “Take time to do fun things with the kids, write my siblings, and go to a family reunion.” In the category of “health” she wrote: “Take time to find my core self, make time to play, and get at least seven hours of sleep each night.” Sarina was amazed at how little self-care she had actually done in recent years because she had been so focused on her husband and children. As she began making her own health a priority and her husband continued his own therapy, the couple began making strides toward greater intimacy and healing their marriage.

When will we become loveable? When will we feel safe? When will we get all the protection, nurturing, and love we so richly deserve? We will get it when we begin giving to ourselves. — Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go 9

You may know what you need to do to take care of yourself, but actually taking action is more difficult. People who are deliberate and create an opportunity for rest, relaxation, and self-care will reap the many benefits. Stress that builds up cumulatively will wear down our bodies. Our ability to cope with situations becomes quickly compromised when we become exhausted. We are more vulnerable to illness, injuries, accidents, and disease when this condition becomes chronic. Consider how one stressor will be compounded when another stressor is added before the first one is resolved. Illness such as heart disease, high blood pressure, obesity, ulcers, anxiety, insomnia, depression, arthritis, asthma, colitis, diarrhea, sexual dysfunction, and headaches have been linked with prolonged excessive stress.10

Carnes Ph.D., Stefanie (2011-09-22). Mending A Shattered Heart (p. 136-138). Gentle Path Press. Kindle Edition.

I don't do much for myself as I have little time (that's a whole other story. I own a retail store and I hate it. It's part of why this whole shitstorm started). But, I do fit in exercise. I REALLY want to go out of town this weekend to see friends. I am just a chicken shit to do it. I am going to IC today and if she says do it, I will buy an airline ticket and go for two nights.

Windows, that's great info. I need to focus, focus, focus! I like the idea of actually writing down a plan. I will do that today. My IC told me to get a workbook called The One Way

Relationship Workbook". I picked it up last night and will start it today.

UGGGHHHHHH he takes DD to school and just walked right by me and out the door. No words at all

UGGGHHHHHH he takes DD to school and just walked right by me and out the door. No words at all

His choice. His choices are none of your business right now. You're too busy making healthy choices for yourself.

In essence, he is choosing to withhold affection or even acknowledgment to the most loving and supportive person in his life. This says everything of how totally broken he is, nothing of you or your value. His choice to continue to self-destruct only signifies to me this is a severely broken man, distance and protect yourself.

Detach detach detach.

What are three things you can do today for YOURSELF?

Do you have time to sit in a bath?

IC counts, you'll be going there.

Can you set aside 20mins to dedicate to journaling or reading?

Can you take a walk?

Can you do something fun with the kids? The park? McDonald's play place?

IC and Pilates today. I feel nauseous and starting to panic.

Well, take a moment, close your eyes, envision the happy strong healthy you. Really envision her.... what's her hair like? What's her outfit? Where is she sitting? Is she in her favorite chair in the house, the porch outside, a beach, a mountain top? Where's her favorite place? What are her favorite things? Her kids are so proud of her. She's the strongest person they know. See those kids looks on their faces as they come to her excited to tell of their latest achievement.

Once you get her solidly in your mind, have HER remind you, that you're ok, you're worth so much more, his choices have nothing to do with you, and it's ok to start taking care of yourself now.

he is choosing to withhold affection or even acknowledgment to the most loving and supportive person in his life

Why doesn't he get that?? Someone needs to tell him that!!!!

Why doesn't he get that?? Someone needs to tell him that!!!!

The answer doesn't matter. He's not your concern right now. YOU are your concern. Accept the very real possibility he will never get it, he will always be broken. Even more reason to begin detaching and taking care of you. The man clearly can't even make healthy choices for himself. Do you really want to keep spending days upon days waiting for the moment he gives you some healthy response? I can tell you from experience, that would be unwise and devastating. Accept he's broken, leave the questions of why or when he'll get it or how, alone, and worry about you. Begin to consider what is broken within you that you accept this from him and still offer him love.

180 has taught me I have far too much work to do within myself to repair FOO issues and a lifetime of poor self-care choices than to have any room in my mind for his issues. His issues were great for making me feel good about myself, good that I could help, good that I was sacrificing myself to make someone else happy. Truth is there were TWO unhealthy people in that relationship. I had to take a step back and work on me. Of course I did so hoping once he saw me improving, saw me stronger, saw me healthier, he'd follow my lead and also start working hard on his own issues and recovery. However, 180 strengthened me to accept it when that was not the case and he chose to remain defensive, blame shifting, and walk away.....still broken.

[This message edited by windowsnotwalls at 7:42 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

Good morning momof3gbb,

...and just walked right by me and out the door. No words at all ...

And that is okay, really it is. His words have no value. He lies, he cheats, he does not respect you. If he were to have said something, it would be manipulative, or designed to hurt you, to punish you for the pain he is feeling because of what a screw-up he is.

I think what you really want is not words from your WH, attention, love, and affirmation from the man you thought that you were M'd too. The man who would never cheat with anyone, let alone your BFF behind your back. The man that if he did an awful thing to hurt and betray you would work to fix and make it up to you.

Sarina started working on her own recovery, she began focusing on herself and her unmet needs. She began to make a list of different categories: health, spirituality, friends, creativity, family, and relationships. She then broke these categories down into two or three things that represented her own personal self-care plan. For example, under “family” she wrote: “Take time to do fun things with the kids, write my siblings, and go to a family reunion.” In the category of “health” she wrote: “Take time to find my core self, make time to play, and get at least seven hours of sleep each

What windowsnotwalls posted is good, it is worth re-reading. Where to you want your life to be in 6 months, a year? Regardless of your WH, what do you want your life to look like? Taking care of yourself will take attention and focus off your WH, you will better learn to affirm yourself. After a year if your WH does come around then you are a healthier and stronger person to work with him on the M. If he does not come around then you have still made progress on your path to healing.

The 180 actually gets hardest I think when your WS starts making comments and pushing buttons to try and get a response from you. Keep at it, and do not worry what your WH does or does not do. If he 180’s you, good for him, it will make your work taking care of yourself easier. It is not a competition; it is a way to move forward from a failed relationship while still in proximity to the failure.

I feel nauseous and starting to panic

What do you feel the panic about? Is the panic causing the nausea? Can you sort through these feelings and understand where they come from?

Don't suppress the panic, understand the source so you can work on that.

I don't know bit I feel sick. Gotta get ready for work and get kids to school and all I want to do is crawl into bed

I don't know bit I feel sick. Gotta get ready for work and get kids to school and all I want to do is crawl into bed

Welcome to 180. It's a common feeling in the beginning. You've had to suppress your feelings and needs for a very long time to gain attention or affection from him. It's natural to feel a little confused at first when feelings arise, even to panic. The aforementioned exercise above of envisioning the healthier you is very helpful. It's loosely based on the recommendations from Susan Anderson's The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. The healthy version of me reminds me often that SHE absolutely NEEDS me to keep focused on me right now. She can't exist if I keep sacrificing myself for his issues.

ETA: Wanted to add, another thing that helped reduce the panicky feeling for me was to limit my responsibilities for the day. I never considered in 180 whether I would leave him or not. It was too much of a decision, and I wasn't emotionally capable of such a decision. It frightened me to even think of it. (Although I did tell him that I wasn't ready to make a decision long-term of whether or not I would stay in the relationship, and that was the most honest thing I could say.) So, much like an alcoholic in AA, I started saying, "One day at a time"....sometimes "One moment at a time." Right now, I can do ______ for myself. That's the only decision I'm making right now. Could be as simple as take the dog for a walk, but that was all I was thinking of. All the world's problems, all the big decisions, they'd just have to wait. Right now I was taking the dog for a walk.

[This message edited by windowsnotwalls at 8:05 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

This is really good, read it over again, really good wisdom here.

180 has taught me I have far too much work to do within myself to repair FOO issues and a lifetime of poor self-care choices than to have any room in my mind for his issues. His issues were great for making me feel good about myself, good that I could help, good that I was sacrificing myself to make someone else happy. Truth is there were TWO unhealthy people in that relationship. I had to take a step back and work on me. Of course I did so hoping once he saw me improving, saw me stronger, saw me healthier, he'd follow my lead and also start working hard on his own issues and recovery. However, 180 strengthened me to accept it when that was not the case and he chose to remain defensive, blame shifting, and walk away.....stil

l broken

[This message edited by tired girl at 8:22 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

You feel panicky and sick because you are afraid. You are afraid because he isn't showing you he cares. You feel sick because he doesn't notice you are ignoring him. You feel sick because he seems to not care that he did this. You feel sick because you think you have lost him.

STOP!

Right now you may be ignoring him and not speaking to him, but that is not the 180! It is a piece of it, but it is not IT!

For a moment, back up a bit. Chasing him around and trying to get a response, crying, being sick in front of him, ignoring him BUT DOING NOTHING ELSE will not work! You will look pathetic. Pathetic is not attractive. Repeat that!

Now, lets get back to the 180.

1. You have to get to a mindset that YOU love yourself more than him. Meaning that you believe that you deserve better than to be ignored and mistreated by someone who cheated on you!

2. You have to realize that you cannot control his actions. If he has not come back full force to you, wanting to change, full of remorse, you need to 180 to save yourself because YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO WOULD BE DOING THAT NOW.

3. You have to be willing to lose him and your M to actually have any chance of saving your M. But saving your M is not your priority right now. Your priority right now, until further notice, is YOU and YOUR KIDS. Period.

You decide today, right now, that you will not be treated like this anymore. That if and when he gets his head out of his ass, you will discuss a POSSIBILITY of R with him, but until then, your life is about YOU.

Get out a journal or date calendar. FILL IT UP. Get yourself out of his presence as much as possible. Do things you like to do. Go visit those friends. Take your kids somewhere fun. Make PLANS. And don't ask him or his permission. Start moving on with you! Break down in private, in the shower, in the car. Anywehere but in front of him.

If you are not home, his walking passed you, will not hurt you. Do you get that?

Gently here...

You also have to let go of trying to keep him at home or on a leash so he doesn't go back to her. It doesn't matter at this point because he is showing that he doesn't respect you and doesn't really want to be around you.

You know that saying, "IF you love something, set it free...."

Well, set him free and YOURSELF in the process. If there is any hope for your M, you will find it after you start doing these steps and the 180. BUT don't do these steps hoping for that because these steps are NOT meant to bring him back. They are meant to build you up and make you strong for you. If he comes back as a by product, then ok, you can decide IF you want him back and what the RULES will be for doing so. YOU WILL BE DRIVING THE BUS!!

Right now you are letting him drive.

STOP!

Love yourself more!

Set an example for your kids!

You can do it!

You deserve so much more!

Hugs!!

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 9:01 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

Ok hold on o the 2x4....

Last ditch email??????

This is my last ditch effort to get through to you... And yes,  I am emailing because I cannot talk to you...

You have a wife that loves you. Would do anything for you and your family. Spoon fed your mom and visited her while she was ill. Calls your father just to say hello. Takes care of you when you are sick. Makes you breakfast before work and cooks every night so that you stay healthy. Your wife does anything and everything you tell her to do and puts everyone's needs before her own. She does not place demands on you, nag you about helping around the

house, etc. She is always willing to be intimate and always tries to please

you. She stands by your side always. She did not walk out on you when you put her "into the gutter". She sees a good man and has a lot of love to giveto him.

Oh wait, she IS demanding. She demands love, and to be told she is loved, demands affection, attention and communication without judgment and interruption. Expects an "I'm sorry" once in while. Expects to be comforted when sad or stressed.

You are choosing to withhold affection or even acknowledgement to the most loving and supportive person in your life.

I DO NOT live in a gutter, I live in the desert and YOU have a bucket of water. But, even if you don't share, I WILL NOT die.

I told you three years ago I would try. I have tried and tried and worked very very hard. Now, it is your turn.