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User Topic: Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's
SI Staff
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Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, April 2nd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those that are personally dealing with this situation, please post here.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
tputer
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Member # 11353
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, April 2nd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the new forum SI staff! I think this is much more appropriate than a forum titled "Inspirations". And I love the new bold/italic/quote buttons as well! Well done!!

[This message edited by tputer at 6:19 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]


Me FBH/WS: 48
FWW/BW (JP12861): 48
Married 25 years
Kids: 2 DD's 24, 20
My DDay: 7/16/06
Hers: 4/5/10

Posts: 20518 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: San Diego Area
MiJa
♂ Member
Member # 11442
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, April 2nd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to repost the repost of Stunned Dad's material that kicked off the original SAb thread in Inspirations, because I think it's important enough to be included here too...


http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=23608

Topic: Candid talk about sex abuse and its role in affairs

I have seen it plenty of times on more than one message board....sex abuse and infidelity going hand and hand.

It seems to have a category of its own because often what happens in the here and now is not just influenced by past abuse but HEAVILY influenced by past abuse.

Some common vunerablities of sex abuse victims:

1) Low self esteem/sense of worthlessness. For those who were repeatedly abused they percieve there only value in having sex or being used for sex. They have a hard time seeing themselves beyond this. Often they cannot accept compiments, cannot accept loving relationship is because they don't feel worthy of being loved.

2) Disassociate. Victims learn both in the begginning of being abused then later as a coping mechanism to disassociate themselves from the abuse from their attacker. During the abuse the victim will learn to pick a spot on the ceiling or wall and focus on it until the abuse was over. After the abuse is over they learn to disassociate the every day person from the person abused. It allows them to seperate the pain of abuse from the everyday life.

3) Minimizing. Abuse victims learn to minimize the abuse. After all if they convince themselves its not abuse then they are not victims...who wants to be a victim. Or if they convince themselves the abuse wasn't all that bad then don't feel the urgency to face it to deal with it.

4) Compartmentalize. Abuse victims learn to comparmentalize things. If they store painful memories in the far reaches of their mind then don't have to live with it constantly. The memories are still there unlike suppressing or repressing memories.

5) Secrecy. Abuse victims learn real early you don't tell. Often a skilled (word used loosely) predator can tell which children will or won't tell. And of course they go after the child they think won't tell. In closer relationships where the abuser is a someone known to the victim they rely on pressure and manipulating the victim into silence. They may say things like be quiet you don't want to people to know you did this or that. They may imply some type of harm will come to the victim and in some cases outright threaten the victim should they tell.

6) Self blaming. This comes in many forms. The abuser themselves while try and convince their victim they "wanted it" or they "enjoyed it". The victim might have a physical reaction to the abuse. They will say well if I felt something if I responded then I must have wanted it in someway. Finally society will project blame....good girls don't do that. For boys straight boys don't do that and so on.

7) Lack of empathy. Not surprising that if you learn to ignore your own abuse then you won't be very aware of other persons pains.

8) Distorted sexuality. Sex becomes something that is based on control not on love and pleasure. The victim sees sex a way to get "secondary gains". If I submit to this then I will be liked, loved or even just left alone. They see sex as unpleasant, as hurtful as being less of significane. In short they take those skills of minimizing, disassociation and apply it to their sexuality. Sex is less about pleasure and more about who is the boss.

Those are just some of the many ways sex abuse impacts its victim.

How does that relate to adultery?

Well first and foremost we know many WSs had low self esteem. They felt unloved, they felt worthless.

We also know that WSs compartmentalize, minimize, disassociate themselves from the fantasy of their affair and their every day life.

And of course all affairs involve a high level of secrecy.

But here is the big key for those WSs that were sexually abused as a child or young teen........these feelings (distorted sexuality and sense of worthlessness), these learned behaviors (compartmentalizing, disassociating and minimizing) were FORCED on them.

The SA victim HAD to learn these behaviors in order to cope with something forced on them against their will. And often forced on them when they were for the most defenseless to deal with the abuser.

I would urge any BS who's spouse was sexually abused to read The Sexual Healing Journey. It covers a ton of stuff on how SA impacts its victims. It also speaks to the partners or loved one of SA victims.

My old computer crased but I hope to get the bookmarks off the old drive. There are ton of posts on Marriage Builders by abuse victims. They talk very candidly about how the abuse controled them for years even though they thought they had a handle on it.

So both WS and BS dealing with SA please keep in mind what happened in the recent past was strongly influenced by your WS's past as a child or young teen. And it was a past that saw things forced on them against their will.


"But I opened my eyes and walked out the door and the clouds came tumbling down, and it's bye-bye, goodbye, I tried..." -- Ben Folds, "Landed"

Posts: 595 | Registered: Jul 2006
rvcurrit
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Member # 8105
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, April 2nd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Staff for this forum!
I am still living the affects of my FWW's SAB.
But we are handling it well.

If any one wants to talk My PM box is always open


If I had to do it all over again--
I'd do it with you, Samanatha!
I am Married to Samanatha and proud of it!
"Just because somebody doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they hav

Posts: 3377 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: an Island in Alaska
jp12861
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Member # 12525
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was hoping to post after tputer but I'm always late
I am so lucky to have tputerb as my hubby, best friend and supporter. We have been together almost 23 years, married 22 and I love him more every year. I know I lied kept things from him to what I thought would protect him as I so love him I never ever wanted to hurt him as he was hurt by the loss of his mother, betrayals of old girlfriends.
All I can say is I never intended to hurt the best friend I've ever had in my life, and I will do anything and everything to get my best friend and partner to totally be with me for the rest of my life.


Just me now and my girls
50
26 & 23

Posts: 1674 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: San Diego
baltimore
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Member # 13766
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are there any other SAS - BS' out that that have compartmentalized their WS' A?
I find I can go for days at a time and totally turn off everything my WH did (like I totally forget about it) - then wham! out of no where comes a huge trigger and I feel like I just found out all over again.

Is this normal???????


Posts: 392 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: baltimore
Noclue
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Member # 10250
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a SAS Ws. Does that count?


Do not do what I've done. Let my life be a lesson for you.

Posts: 6562 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Ontario
twisted
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Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I'm still trying to sort out which of these new categories I belong to and I think it's this one.
Thanks MiJa for the repost. Thats probably more information than I ever really read on the subject.
It'll be interesting to have a couple here to get both sides of the subject. Everybody's welcome and appreciated.

Baltimore: Oh yes, somedays /weeks I go along just fine and then it just builds up and I go nuts. This last weekend found me in the worst depression I'd been in years, then it was gone.
I'd appreciate any and all input.
The short story, I suspect SA of WW for many yrs. Discovered (all at once) the WW 6 or 7 ONS or quickies or whatever you want to call it, from the first 10 yrs of marriage, and a LTA with a co-worker / supervisor the last 10 yrs before I found out. Apparently she and LTA were comparing notes on their adulterous outings and she had it all written down.
I had never suspected anything, but now I can look back at obvious signs.
I hit the 3 yr mark from d-day this week.



"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 834 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
unfound
♀ Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is something I posted right before this thread was locked in Inspirations. It still is on my mind and would really like any thoughts/comments about it.

thanks all.

don't want to step on any toes, or anything...
I don't post here much but read often. Quick bio for those that don't know my situation:
My WH is a SAb (paternal incest) survivor. I've know about his abuse since shortly after we met (almost 12 years). He's been in IC since dday a little over a year ago.

He is learning a lot about himself, but has spent most of his time in IC on the subject of our M, and his A. He likes his C and (from what H has told me) he (the C) seems to gently point out the connections between the SAb, his A and his personality, morals and actions in general.

I've been thinking, and from what I've read it's not unusual, that SAb survivors can get "stuck" on a maturity level. I've really been able to "get this" lately. It seems that he's in highschool mode emotionally. Not in all his emotional aspects, but those of love, physical-sexual contact, and boundaries.

During his A, the OW just encouraged this behavior, knowingly or not. She did not know about his SAb. But seems she was on that same level as well. I'm not implying that I think she was/is a SAb survivor, but also immature.

He has never acted that way with me, and it makes me think that he was more comfortable being in that immature thinking/acting situation. I'm a fun gal, but I would never be okay with him talking and treating me like that.

Would my healthy, grown up emotional attitude be a part of what made it okay, to him, to stray? Is it possible for him to "grow up" emotionally, with the help of IC?

I'm afraid of saying somthing that will trigger, or hurt the SAb survivors here. I would never intentionall do that. If any of this did, I apologize.

I love this guy so much, and want so bad for him to be the man he wants to be. He's moving forward, we both know there's going to be some rough times ahead and he's willing to face them, head on. For that he has earned so much respect back from me.

thanks for listening.



ka-mai
*******************
Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone ...

Posts: 14747 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
realitybites
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Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a SAS.

Can't think of much else to write at the moment. But yes, I can trigger out of no where, I find success in my job stops at a certain point, almost like I don't think I deserve it. My H's A has actually made me dig much further into then I ever have and I still have not dug that much. But I have learned how much it permiates my whole life and my choices and my decisions.


Posts: 5522 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
cantlivewithouth
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Member # 11939
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a SAbS as well. I was also raped and the victim of 2 sexual assults. I to have found that my H's affair has helped to face these issues. It has made me look for the strength inside me. I'm finally getting help.

I also was able to compartmentalize the A. I will go along my merry way dealing with healing me and then Whamo! I feel like I'm back to square one.

Thanks to the mods for adding this forum. You all are the best.


Married a truly wonderful and loving man Sept. 19, 2010. Not only survived, but thrived.

My new mantra: Argue Your Limitations.‎


Posts: 40985 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Canada by way of Virginia
baltimore
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Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is this normal? The sex part of my WH's A doesn't really bother me. To me sex does not equal love. I've often said - sleep with who ever you want (jokingly) just don't talk to them or share your heart.

Am I sick?


Posts: 392 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: baltimore
cantlivewithouth
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Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think your sick. You are able to seperate the two. I can't because of my past. Sex is either violent and wrong or full of love for me. My H's A made me question his love for me. Even though he said it was just sex I can't break sex away from love unless it is rape or abuse. I'm working on this with my IC. She is really helping me come to terms with this.


Married a truly wonderful and loving man Sept. 19, 2010. Not only survived, but thrived.

My new mantra: Argue Your Limitations.‎


Posts: 40985 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Canada by way of Virginia
tputer
♂ Member
Member # 11353
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

baltimore,
I think many women hold views similar to yours. Studies have shown that women in general are much more forgiving for physical infidelities vice emotional ones. Men, in general are the opposite.


Me FBH/WS: 48
FWW/BW (JP12861): 48
Married 25 years
Kids: 2 DD's 24, 20
My DDay: 7/16/06
Hers: 4/5/10

Posts: 20518 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: San Diego Area
unknown_girl
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Member # 11800
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, April 6th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am a SAS and a BS. i think in a sense it has made it harder for me to get through the A. a lot of feelings were brought up when i found out. i explain it that the wound he caused cut right over that wound and split it open. yes i can seperate love and sex. but i don't think if my husband really loved me he would of done this to me. i think it has also made my self esteem plummet. so in a lot of ways i don't feel good enough and i feel like the only thing i am / was good for was sex. it has been a big road block in me even deciding to R or not. any one else have these same struggles?


dday may 2006
me: BS(28)
him: FWH andski(28)
DD:8

"Fairytales are more than true: not because they tell us dragons exist, but because they tell us they can be beaten"


Posts: 555 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: indiana
Mustang85
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Member # 13809
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, April 7th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all, I guess my biggest ? is how to get a survivor to start talking about it. My wife was abused by her father. That is all I know about it. I found that out after her first A (in profile). I am sure that her SAb is the root of most if not all of our problems. She says she opend up to the first guy(who turned out to be the second guy also) but hasn't to me and refuses IC. I am at a lose at what to do.

PS I like the idea of this forum, but I guess I have to post in about 4 of the topics.


Life sucks and then you die.

Married since 1983
Me BS 44
Her WS 46
3 Kids s19, s16, d15(they are why I stay)

D-days, 94 97 2003 2006


Posts: 172 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Se MI
cantlivewithouth
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Member # 11939
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, April 7th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mustang, why is she against IC? Maybe start there. I was against it at first because I felt that I could handle it on my own and I didn't want anyone to think I was crazy or weak. I also felt like I couldn't relive the trauma again.

After the A our MC suggested IC for me. It has helped sooooo much. I am able to process things better and handle my anger and hurt much much better. I am also communicating with my H better.

My H was the only one I told about my past. He knew what happened and how much the A would probably hurt me, but he was just in for the sex.

Try to talk to your W about IC. Don't force the issue, but let her know that you are there for her and will support any decision that she makes.

Big hugs to you and your W.


Married a truly wonderful and loving man Sept. 19, 2010. Not only survived, but thrived.

My new mantra: Argue Your Limitations.‎


Posts: 40985 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Canada by way of Virginia
realitybites
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Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, April 7th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't seek any help about it until recently. I am not saying its OK, just telling you that when you are sexually abused its horrible, now add on to that someone like a father/brother/grandfather/cousin....and it will messes with your head. Sometimes it is locked so far back because it is some scary shit to deal with. You remain a child in that part of your head. She may or may not be able to deal with it, but you just need to keep prodding her, keep telling her that you love her and want her to get help. Hopefully she will see that you care and love her more than the evil thing inside her head.

Posts: 5522 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
unfound
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Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, April 7th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mustang85-My H is a SAb, he told me when we were first dating, but wouldn't go to IC. Over the course of the years I would tell him "Please take care of your past, before it takes care of you....It hurts ME, to see you hurting..."

I've never asked for details and never will. If he chooses to tell me, then I'll listen, and feel with him, but can never offer advice other than going to IC. I can only be there to pick up the pieces, and be there for him to lean on.

Going to IC is painful at times for my H. but it is breaking the cycle and stopping the ripple effect SAb has caused in our lives.


To the SAb survivors- whether BS or WS....I can never feel your pain and would never say that I understand....my heart breaks and goes out to all of you.


ka-mai
*******************
Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone ...

Posts: 14747 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
hurts
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Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, April 7th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

slip of the keys sorry

[This message edited by hurts at 11:30 AM, April 8th (Sunday)]


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
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