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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's
s.squirrel
♀ Member
Member # 14742
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a post to say "hey" to everyone. I had an insight with him that I had not had before. His AP is also a survivor. I had a sort of vision/dream if you will, that he is dragging this huge burden around with him all the time (sab) meanwhile I'm just playing in the garden and don't even see it. Another person comes along carrying a similar burden (her). It is such a relief to him to be with someone who "gets it".

I went out on a limb and wrote this down and left it in his car at work.

He didn't say anything for a couple of days. He said, yeah, that was probably pretty accurate.

I said accurate, yeah, but understanding it doesn't make it doesn't make the betrayal of me hurt any less.

He is still struggling with whether to "shut it all down" and stay with me, who he claims he "can't talk to" or give it all up to be with her (which is a maybe anyway) or be alone. He can't see any other options. I certainly can, but he can't.

The glimmer of hope is that I suggested IC for him, and he said "maybe I should". And then yesterday he shared with me that someone at his work had hung themself and he had to be the one to go sit with the family. His own brother commited suicide in 89 so naturally it brought back a lot. So, he actually turned to me. That's something, I guess.

I am in IC, thank God, and it has helped keep me functional.
One thing my IC says is that my WH doesn't realize that no matter where he goes, he takes his own self with him, so leaving me or going to her, he still has himself, and his issues.

I really don't know how this will end up. So many times I just want to say "I think you should just leave".

I hope he follows through with the counseling. Major life decisions are being made here, not just for the two of us, but for our 3 kids, extended families, etc.

And this OP's family, too. I emailed OPH the other day. Scared me to death but I did it. He hasn't written back which is fine. I sat on the idea of emailing him a long time and finally decided that it was fair to him for me to do so, and that maybe by doing so it would shake the situation up a bit. Right now, I almost don't care which way it goes, but that progress is made somehow.

Thinking of you all. S.


Me BS 44
Him WS 45
sons :17, 16
daughter: 13
dday1: 6/1996..separated 1.5yr, then reconciled 1/1998
dday2: 5/7/2007
Separated at last!~10/31/2008
heading -->divorce
But he lost his job in April..so pending, pending, pending.

Posts: 280 | Registered: May 2007 | From: ohio
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, July 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like a bit of an interloper here, but I wanted to get some perspective/opinions.

Reading the "Toxic Mother" thread in G and discussing some of it w/ WH made me remember a couple of things I keep shoving to the back of my mind.

One is that mom and her friends were playing some game (I think Truth or Dare) and included us kids. They made my little brother pull down his pants and made me kiss his bottom.

Another time my mom kissed me and put her tongue in my mouth. I remember being confused and disgusted. It was so slimy and invading.

These incidents both happened around the time my mom had an A and my parents D. So I was around 7-8yo (brother would have been 4-5yo).

I just wonder now if this is just the tip of the iceberg? I've heard of repressed memories, but how common are they really?

Have any of you had 'small' memories like this and more came out? How do I deal with it? I have an IC appt. Monday. I know I need to bring it up with him, but honestly it's shameful. I think I will talk to my sister about it and possibly my dad.

I know it's nothing compared to what some of you endured. But I do know it affected me in how I thought about intimacy and sex as I grew up now that I look back.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣Your soulmate is the person who helps grow your soul into a better being rather than tearing it down❣


Posts: 10861 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, July 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holly, IMHO if it is something that made you uncomfortable, then it has the right ringtone for abuse. And that you feel it and possibly other events in your life have effected the way you are thinking and acting sexually, well then - there is your answer.

i think talking to you sister and dad might be a good idea. But more importantly, bring it up in IC. If this is just getting you started, then approach it before it consumes you.

I have done a lot of reading on the subject, and I tend to wonder the same thing. yet nothing in my recall is adverse to me. but many of the feelings are there. Maybe just sympathetic.

I know that several folks have shared and found some relief to just "get it out there". If this helps, this is a nice forum because it is kind slow and generally trafficed by those understanding the ideation.

Good luck in IC. Do't let it drop until you are satisfied.

Prayers and thoughts to you.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, July 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the response hurts.

My IC appt was cancelled this morning, so that will have to wait.

I can still talk to my dad or sis, but I have to get in the right mindframe first.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣Your soulmate is the person who helps grow your soul into a better being rather than tearing it down❣


Posts: 10861 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, July 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can understand that. It can be a bit tenuious at times.

One thing i have learned is to commit yourself to be as open about it as you can. Once the door is open, then try to get the bulk of the idea out there.

My wifes family have basicly closed any doors for her, mostly because it is uncomfortable, her dad is still in a denial state and it stirs up trouble in the family. W had approached it to just get it out there and to find some type of closure to parts of it, but when the door closed she just sucked it all back in and is just stewing in it. Bad for us, and I am lost as to what to do.

A note about IC's. AAsk up front if he/she has any experience in it. Ours was not really very good and I personally think more damage occured than help. i never really believed that, thinking even poor help was still help. Nope, it is not and it needs to be handles by someone who understands more than just what a book or two said.

Take it easy.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
hurtingSObadly
♀ Member
Member # 13567
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, August 9th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone kept the SAb a secret for many years, then revealed it to their parents as an adult, and receive a less than desired response? How did/do you deal with this?

My cousin, who lived in our home, sexually abused me for about 4-5 years, beginning when I was 8. My Dad found out about 5 years ago from my sister's boyfiend (she'd also been abused by this cousin, which I didn't know until then). My Dad called me to ask me if I knew anything about that, to which I said that it was probably true, since it happened to me, too. It happened to be the night before Thanksgiving and my Dad had invited this cousin to my parents house the next day. I asked him to ask my cousin not to come. He refused. He also refused to confront him for the folowing reasons:

- If my cousin's wife found out, she might divorce him;
- He didn't want to cause a rift between him and his brother (cousin's Dad)
- If my Mom found out, she would blame him, since the abuser was his nephew

I was in shock that my Dad was more concerned for my cousin than his own daughters! My cousin was present on Thanksgiving and me sister and I had to be there and pretend that we were okay.

Last year, I brought it up (while in a heated argument with my Dad) and this time my Mom was present. She was shocked to find out and even admitted that I had told her when I was a child. My Dad questioned my claim to being molested, that maybe I misunderstood what was meant to be playful gestures. Even when I provided details of how I had been violated, he showed no anger toward my cousin. "What do you want me to do?" was his response.

This incident happened in December '06 and I haven't spoken to my Dad since. I've spoken to my Mom on just a few occasions. I am very hurt and very resentful. I feel that if my own parents would not support me in dealing with this traumatic experience, they will not support me in anything (especially now that my marriage is in trouble).


FWW | me
BS | him
DD | 11.2006

Posts: 224 | Registered: Feb 2007
orchid
Member
Member # 7223
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, August 9th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry your parents aren't stepping up and taking care of this for you but you are no longer the child the molester took advantage of. Why haven't youconfronted the cousin about what he did to you.
Your anger at your parents is only going to hurt you and is not going to free you. I can't began to guess what their thoughs are but making yourself a victim all over again isn't an active resolution. Have you been in IC? I see you posted that your marriage is in trouble. SAb survivors seem to struggle with marriage. A good IC could probably help you resolve so many things thatare caused by being abused.


You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2005 | From: Western US
hurtingSObadly
♀ Member
Member # 13567
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, August 9th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Orchid. Yes, I am in IC and have dealt with this issue. I am not angry at my parents (anymore), I have let go of that. I have simply chosen not to have a relationship with them because I feel that if they will not support me in this, they will not support me in anything.


FWW | me
BS | him
DD | 11.2006

Posts: 224 | Registered: Feb 2007
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, August 9th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I am speaking out of turn, sorry.


Thoughts and prayers your way.

[This message edited by hurts at 12:40 PM, August 9th (Thursday)]


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
orchid
Member
Member # 7223
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, August 9th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HSB, what do you think your parents would say if they knew you were going to confront your cousin. Do you think they would be supportive of you or do you think they would ask you not to say anything. Is he a lot older than you? Not sure where that sentence fits in just threw it in there.


You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2005 | From: Western US
hurtingSObadly
♀ Member
Member # 13567
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, August 9th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My cousin is about 7 years older than I am. Even if I wanted to confront him, I don't know what I would say. If my parents knew that I was going to do this, I think they would tell me to go ahead, but they probably would not have any part. My sister told me that she confronted my cousin and told him what had been going on in our immediate family. She also said that he called my parents to admit to what he had done. At first my parents did not want to speak to him, but I believe that my Dad eventally did. Supposedly, he admitted that it happened and he said that he didn't know why he did it. Do you think that my Dad has tried to contact me since finding out that it is true? Nope!


FWW | me
BS | him
DD | 11.2006

Posts: 224 | Registered: Feb 2007
orchid
Member
Member # 7223
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, August 9th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if your Dad feels uncomfortable and thinks it would be for you too if he brought it up. Was your relationship with your dad always open or was he more closed or withdrawn when you were kids.


You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2005 | From: Western US
hurtingSObadly
♀ Member
Member # 13567
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, August 10th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Dad was pretty much withdrawn from his children, even now as adults. I feel like I am a bad person for choosing not to have a relationship with my parents, but I also feel that I cannot be happy or be myself with them (mostly my Dad) in my life. There are more issues than the SAb, but that was the straw that broke the camel's back for me.

Thank you, Orchid, for your support.


FWW | me
BS | him
DD | 11.2006

Posts: 224 | Registered: Feb 2007
orchid
Member
Member # 7223
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, August 10th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't see you as a bad person for trying to protect yourself from the hurt and stress. Since your Dad has never been a person who could be open with you I guess it isn't surprising he isn't able to be outwardly supportive. It would be interesting to know the childhood of he and his brother.


You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2005 | From: Western US
hurtingSObadly
♀ Member
Member # 13567
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, August 10th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Knowing what my Dad's childhood was like (sorta) is why I am able to forgive him for all his faults. He has never asked for forgiveness, but I have given it anyway. My Dad's mother passed away when he was 10. His father remarried a few years later, and I believe he pretty much abandoned his children (to be raised by the oldest sibling who was 18) for his new wife and children that followed. I know that he wasn't raised in a traditional family with both parents, to show him love and be examples of what a parent should be.


FWW | me
BS | him
DD | 11.2006

Posts: 224 | Registered: Feb 2007
orchid
Member
Member # 7223
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, August 10th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And so he has no tools to create a traditionally normal family of his own. Gosh, I hope you can break that cycle. It sounds like you are trying.


You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2005 | From: Western US
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, August 11th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seems like I finally found the right thread.

After a month of turmoil, through lots of thought, reading, support and facts checking, I find myself here.

Although my WH has not ever admitted to anyone that he experienced SAb, his dad was a pedophile who molested over a dozen other children. I only found this out by contacting an open family member - no one else talks about it.

My challenge now is gently approaching him with the knowledge that I know something terrible happened.
Any suggestions?


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8324 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, August 19th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looks like this thread may have died - was it me?

Oh well. Since last I wrote I got the sexual healing journey book and HELLO

I realized it was for me.

I have neatly compartmentalized and stuffed away my own sexual abuse.

I've been going to the same IC for years, and I called as soon as it started hitting me. It took me an hour to divulge all the painful memories of being raped, humiliated, and abused in my first year of college.

It all went downhill from there.

By the time I finished, she was quite affected.

"Did I ever tell you any of this before?" I asked my counselor of 10+ years.
"No," was her answer.

Kind of wierd.

NOW I KNOW why I always value others, but I can't value myself in an intimate relationship.

Me and my SAb WH have started talking about our histories. Hopefully we will be able to heal together. I can go through my own history and see how badly this has messed me up for years.

I cried the whole day - it still makes me cry.


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8324 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, August 19th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

healingtree - I'm sorry, I usually follow this thread as it is a subject hat brings much difficulty to my life.

I am glad that you have found a pathway to trying to heal. It is god that you have included your H. It is my personal opinion hat the journey will have much better long term effects if both partners are involved.

I say this from the prospective of being a partner/spouse held to the outside and not really allowed to be involved. I know it leads to much discussion, but from my point of viw, exclusion is fatal. For the spouse is also a victim, second degree.

Keep at it, keep the lines of communication open with your H. I will be interested in reading your progress..

Thoughts and prayers to you and H.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
orchid
Member
Member # 7223
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, August 20th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry no one was responding to your post. I hadn't checked in for awhile so missed the first one. My h was SAb so I know first hand how it can affect the victims life as well as the spouse and children (the secondary victims).


You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2005 | From: Western US
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