I went out on a limb and wrote this down and left it in his car at work.
He didn't say anything for a couple of days. He said, yeah, that was probably pretty accurate.
I said accurate, yeah, but understanding it doesn't make it doesn't make the betrayal of me hurt any less.
He is still struggling with whether to "shut it all down" and stay with me, who he claims he "can't talk to" or give it all up to be with her (which is a maybe anyway) or be alone. He can't see any other options. I certainly can, but he can't.
The glimmer of hope is that I suggested IC for him, and he said "maybe I should". And then yesterday he shared with me that someone at his work had hung themself and he had to be the one to go sit with the family. His own brother commited suicide in 89 so naturally it brought back a lot. So, he actually turned to me. That's something, I guess.
I am in IC, thank God, and it has helped keep me functional.
One thing my IC says is that my WH doesn't realize that no matter where he goes, he takes his own self with him, so leaving me or going to her, he still has himself, and his issues.
I really don't know how this will end up. So many times I just want to say "I think you should just leave".
I hope he follows through with the counseling. Major life decisions are being made here, not just for the two of us, but for our 3 kids, extended families, etc.
And this OP's family, too. I emailed OPH the other day. Scared me to death but I did it. He hasn't written back which is fine. I sat on the idea of emailing him a long time and finally decided that it was fair to him for me to do so, and that maybe by doing so it would shake the situation up a bit. Right now, I almost don't care which way it goes, but that progress is made somehow.
Thinking of you all. S.
Reading the "Toxic Mother" thread in G and discussing some of it w/ WH made me remember a couple of things I keep shoving to the back of my mind.
One is that mom and her friends were playing some game (I think Truth or Dare) and included us kids. They made my little brother pull down his pants and made me kiss his bottom.
Another time my mom kissed me and put her tongue in my mouth. I remember being confused and disgusted. It was so slimy and invading.
These incidents both happened around the time my mom had an A and my parents D. So I was around 7-8yo (brother would have been 4-5yo).
I just wonder now if this is just the tip of the iceberg? I've heard of repressed memories, but how common are they really?
Have any of you had 'small' memories like this and more came out? How do I deal with it? I have an IC appt. Monday. I know I need to bring it up with him, but honestly it's shameful. I think I will talk to my sister about it and possibly my dad.
I know it's nothing compared to what some of you endured. But I do know it affected me in how I thought about intimacy and sex as I grew up now that I look back.
❣Your soulmate is the person who helps grow your soul into a better being rather than tearing it down❣
i think talking to you sister and dad might be a good idea. But more importantly, bring it up in IC. If this is just getting you started, then approach it before it consumes you.
I have done a lot of reading on the subject, and I tend to wonder the same thing. yet nothing in my recall is adverse to me. but many of the feelings are there. Maybe just sympathetic.
I know that several folks have shared and found some relief to just "get it out there". If this helps, this is a nice forum because it is kind slow and generally trafficed by those understanding the ideation.
Good luck in IC. Do't let it drop until you are satisfied.
Prayers and thoughts to you.
My IC appt was cancelled this morning, so that will have to wait.
I can still talk to my dad or sis, but I have to get in the right mindframe first.
One thing i have learned is to commit yourself to be as open about it as you can. Once the door is open, then try to get the bulk of the idea out there.
My wifes family have basicly closed any doors for her, mostly because it is uncomfortable, her dad is still in a denial state and it stirs up trouble in the family. W had approached it to just get it out there and to find some type of closure to parts of it, but when the door closed she just sucked it all back in and is just stewing in it. Bad for us, and I am lost as to what to do.
A note about IC's. AAsk up front if he/she has any experience in it. Ours was not really very good and I personally think more damage occured than help. i never really believed that, thinking even poor help was still help. Nope, it is not and it needs to be handles by someone who understands more than just what a book or two said.
Take it easy.
My cousin, who lived in our home, sexually abused me for about 4-5 years, beginning when I was 8. My Dad found out about 5 years ago from my sister's boyfiend (she'd also been abused by this cousin, which I didn't know until then). My Dad called me to ask me if I knew anything about that, to which I said that it was probably true, since it happened to me, too. It happened to be the night before Thanksgiving and my Dad had invited this cousin to my parents house the next day. I asked him to ask my cousin not to come. He refused. He also refused to confront him for the folowing reasons:
- If my cousin's wife found out, she might divorce him;
- He didn't want to cause a rift between him and his brother (cousin's Dad)
- If my Mom found out, she would blame him, since the abuser was his nephew
I was in shock that my Dad was more concerned for my cousin than his own daughters! My cousin was present on Thanksgiving and me sister and I had to be there and pretend that we were okay.
Last year, I brought it up (while in a heated argument with my Dad) and this time my Mom was present. She was shocked to find out and even admitted that I had told her when I was a child. My Dad questioned my claim to being molested, that maybe I misunderstood what was meant to be playful gestures. Even when I provided details of how I had been violated, he showed no anger toward my cousin. "What do you want me to do?" was his response.
This incident happened in December '06 and I haven't spoken to my Dad since. I've spoken to my Mom on just a few occasions. I am very hurt and very resentful. I feel that if my own parents would not support me in dealing with this traumatic experience, they will not support me in anything (especially now that my marriage is in trouble).
Thoughts and prayers your way.
[This message edited by hurts at 12:40 PM, August 9th (Thursday)]
Thank you, Orchid, for your support.
After a month of turmoil, through lots of thought, reading, support and facts checking, I find myself here.
Although my WH has not ever admitted to anyone that he experienced SAb, his dad was a pedophile who molested over a dozen other children. I only found this out by contacting an open family member - no one else talks about it.
My challenge now is gently approaching him with the knowledge that I know something terrible happened.
Oh well. Since last I wrote I got the sexual healing journey book and HELLO
I realized it was for me.
I have neatly compartmentalized and stuffed away my own sexual abuse.
I've been going to the same IC for years, and I called as soon as it started hitting me. It took me an hour to divulge all the painful memories of being raped, humiliated, and abused in my first year of college.
It all went downhill from there.
By the time I finished, she was quite affected.
"Did I ever tell you any of this before?" I asked my counselor of 10+ years.
"No," was her answer.
Kind of wierd.
NOW I KNOW why I always value others, but I can't value myself in an intimate relationship.
Me and my SAb WH have started talking about our histories. Hopefully we will be able to heal together. I can go through my own history and see how badly this has messed me up for years.
I cried the whole day - it still makes me cry.
I am glad that you have found a pathway to trying to heal. It is god that you have included your H. It is my personal opinion hat the journey will have much better long term effects if both partners are involved.
I say this from the prospective of being a partner/spouse held to the outside and not really allowed to be involved. I know it leads to much discussion, but from my point of viw, exclusion is fatal. For the spouse is also a victim, second degree.
Keep at it, keep the lines of communication open with your H. I will be interested in reading your progress..
Thoughts and prayers to you and H.