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User Topic: Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's
jamie d
♂ Member
Member # 15913
Sad  Posted: 11:03 AM, August 25th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

19 years, it's been 19 years since I literally found her on my doorstep. I always knew my wife thought differently, that she processed experiences differently and I always assumed she was sexually abused as a child. She has exhibited the symptoms of paranoid personality disorder throughout our marriage but it didn't consume her. Starting in Feb she went south. We have been having the same circular argument about our problems for several years and much of her complaints were about behaviors I no longer did. We made some progress in Feb/Mar/Apr but it went away and we were right back to square one.
In early June she went into a weeklong psychotic episode during which she poured out irrational conspiracies against her life, questioned the existence of people in her life and told me about a new man in her life. We came very close to getting her the psychiatric treatment she needed and solving the real problem in our relationship but she was drawn away by her boyfriend and has filed for a divorce.
The boyfriend is a real keeper. He has been addicted to prescription pain killers his entire adult life; he's on a 7 day methadone regimen; he's a paranoid schizophrenic; he was involuntarily committed to a mental institution after he found his 2nd wife in bed with AM. He is not yet divorced from his 3rd wife and lives with his mother; he exhibits obsessive/compulsive behaviors and narcissism; he's a donut shop manager; he seems to have a god-complex. How could I compete with that?
My wife seems to refuse to acknowledge she has any mental problems, that her behavior was due to the stress of wanting out, and has never thought she needed to change. There isn't much I can do to affect this.
I have 2 teenage daughters and a 6 yrold daughter who I cannot let live in such an environment where crazy is acceptable and selfish rules the day.
When this all came out my reaction was one of hope and dread. Hope because I finally knew what blocked our development and dread that she might not come along to solve this. I feel betrayed, devestated, used, lied to, manipulated and all that. Anger isn't there too often as it's hard to get mad at someone when they are not fully in control of their thoughts and it offers no constructive solution.
I will get through this. I will get my kids through this. In a way I have and will be throwing her out of the lifeboat and she faces the consequences of her actions and choices. This will not be done out of vengeance but with truth dictating outcomes and dignity in place of malice.
I need help, advice and support. My friends, family, counselor and faith have sustained me but more is always better. Your perspectives are appreciated.

visit:http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/schizoaffectiveorgfamily/


Pain should not be wasted, pain should be used to heal. If you see someone in pain reach out to them and your own pain will heal as well.
M 18Y, 3 DD 17/15/6, DDay June 14, 2007, WW sued for divorce 7/27/07.
BH 44
WW 41
OM 41 & still M to W3

Posts: 126 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: buffalo
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, August 25th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jamie,

You have an awful lot to deal with. Take care of yourself and your kids.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
Amla
♀ Member
Member # 7174
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, September 12th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bumping


<=========>
Mental health is worth a ton. ;)

there's nothing that will stop me from being what I want to be - d

I have always wanted my best friend and my lover and the person I am in love with to be the same person.....and he is. ILY


Posts: 6676 | Registered: May 2005 | From: NY
smokenfire
Member
Member # 5217
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, September 15th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have nothing to lose, so I am putting this out there. I don't know that there are any answers.

I am having a SAB meltdown.

My husband sexually abused me a week ago. I told him from now on if he ever touched me like that again I would kick his ass or die trying.

I'm very weary.

This is not a good place for me.

I really believe that one person can change the world, but this same one person can not even keep a family together.

I've disassociated rather badly and I feel numb. I look in the mirror and can not connect with who I see.

What is the point in pressing on? Is not forty years of brokeness enough?


I have a very strict no returns policy - if you got him - you have to keep him.
Don't kick me in the mouth and then complain about how I bleed...

Posts: 5961 | Registered: Aug 2004
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, September 15th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

smoke - I am so sorry ha this crap has had to come back to you. I am in a bad plac myself right now and amvery leary of trying to do much of anything.

But I wanted you to know that someone cares, me. I always wory about triggering my W. But is so wrong tha you have to relive that.

(((((smoke)))))


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, September 17th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

smokenfire,

One person can't keep a marriage together by theirself.

I'm sorry that your h did that to you.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
James41
♂ New Member
Member # 818
Sad  Posted: 2:44 AM, September 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Count me in, I found out she was heavily S/A during her first a and more details came out after first a ended


Me FBS
Her WAW WS
Together since 1989 she left nov15 06
D-day 1 July 2002
D=day 2 Aug 2002
D-Day 3 Oct 2006
I am single and stunned

Posts: 8 | Registered: Dec 2002
jolivar1
♂ New Member
Member # 9616
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if this is the right spot but here goes.. What happens if your the one who did it in a fit of rage when finding out about the affair with my brother.. Ive go to IC and DVC. im paying for every minute of it. now her and my brother are still together along with her being promiscuous with other men. she say's that she is a SAS but never told anyone. then when i did it and she said that i made her revisit everything. I left but she came to me a week later and we had sex and it was what she wanted to do then she said a few days later that she cannot come back to this marriage yet.. she has not healed.. but she was having sex with my brother in the interim. how is it that if she is not ready to come back to this marriage after 2+yrs she is able to have sex with others and start new relationsips? im going in circles. i just dont understand. im trying but when she says that she is just getting over it and she starts to feel something she tells me that her body wont let her get close to me.. i don't even want that right now i want my friends and wife back.. i cant stand being rejected from the simplest thought or feelings.


dated since 95
married 00
2children 8&5
Dday 1/6/06

Posts: 46 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: MD
bluberry
♀ Member
Member # 15021
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by bluberry at 10:42 AM, September 24th (Monday)]


BW 27
STBXH 30 professional liar
married 4 years, Together 10 years
3 kids
Cheated the whole time I was pregnant for our 3rd
In the process of Divorce, and I finally feel FREE!!!

Posts: 75 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: U.S.
Cerise
♀ Member
Member # 16053
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, September 24th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blu....have you talked to a counselor about all this? It sounds like something did happen. Even if you "put it away" is is still there.

I remember what happened to me I am sure more things happened that I don't remember.

Some kids dissociate as a coping mechanism in order to survive.


Posts: 1691 | Registered: Sep 2007
Whattheheck
♂ New Member
Member # 16440
Default  Posted: 5:20 AM, October 2nd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife had an affair about 4 years ago with her 64 year old great uncle. She's just 33 years old, but I had learned that he used to molest her between ages 12 and 15. And before that she was sexually molested, assaulted, and raped repeatedly by an older cousin between ages 7 and 11. I tried to divorce her, but felt that I should give her another chance. Almost a year later, I learned that she had made another rendezvous to see him. I learned that he was sending her money to a PO Box that I didn't know about. After that I was pretty adamant about letting her go. She said she wasn't going to do anything until we at least tried to see a marriage counselor. I was on the phone 2 minutes later making an appointment for counseling. The counselor sort of talked me into making another go at reconciling. I felt pressured and didn't want to seem unreasonable and uncooperative, so I went along with it. Her uncle has been dead for a couple years now, and my wife told me that he was the only person that she could ever possibly cheat on me with. I'm not convinced and do not trust her at all, really. It seems as if her efforts to reconcile with me have not been out of earnestness, but a forced alternative. Should I trust her or watch my back? I'd love to trust her but she's on strike 3, and I know that she probably suffers from serious psychological complications stemming from her abusive childhood. Any advice on what problems I may encounter in the future if we stay married or decide to have a child or something? Is there anything that I or we should do to help our relationship? What should I refrain from or avoid doing so as to keep her from totally losing it?
----------------------------
married since 97
D-Day 12/03
Reconciled

Posts: 7 | Registered: Oct 2007
Crusher71
♀ New Member
Member # 16915
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, November 9th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new here but I think this Topic is exactly the place I need to be. Let me explain my situation so someone out there might be able to offer some advice (if you have been through the same situation, or something similar)...I can use all the help I can get right now.

I am a SAbS..and have been for about 20 years. I repressed the abuse for many, many years. I was abused by my grandfather and nothing was done to him when it all was exposed. Come to find out he had done this before to others (including my aunts, and attempted to do it to my sister). I found out about the attempted abuse to my sister 3 years ago, and what hit me the hardest is when she told me she had told our parents about it. This meant they knew what he was capable of, but continued to send me to his place every weekend and most of the summer for a few years.

I thought about starting IC then, but never took that first step. I tried to find support groups in my area but nothing seemed right for my situation.

Recently I became a WS. I love my H so much and it kills me that I hurt him so bad with my A's (I have slept with 2 different guys a couple times each over the past 2-3 months). I feel that because I am a SAbS, I have associated someone liking me, to having sex with them.

My H gave me the ground rules for us getting past my A's which included me getting into IC.

I had my first IC session yesterday. It was difficult to say the least but I know I have alot of issues I need to work through and cannot do it on my own. Hopefully the IC will help me deal with the issues from my past and help me work on my present issues with self-esteem and disassociating liking someone with having sex with them.


Me(WS)-37
H-37
Married for 4 years, together for 9 years.
D-day- Oct 31, 2007

Posts: 11 | Registered: Nov 2007
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, November 9th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to say that you are on the right track. I understand the situation, I am a BH and the story line is the same.

Please stay at it with the IC and remember that your BH will also need time and support to heal. Don'tt let him get lost in your recovery. And please try not to compatmentalize his for his sake also.

I am two years down the road and at a complete standstill except for thepain of it all. Stay with the IC, it is hard, but many here will tell you it is so worth it.

Prayers and (((((hugs))))) to you.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
Dagny07
♀ Member
Member # 16928
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crusher,

Stay in IC & hold on to it for dear life. I'm a SAbS, too...my grandfather molested me (from age 8 to 11) and all 3 of my sisters. We were "lucky" in that he lived 800 miles away and we were only near him on family visits. We're not sure, but we think our grandmother knew; my grandfather told one of my sisters that "your grandmother told me to be careful around Jack's [my dad's] girls."

I'm 52, Crusher and am just now in IC. I wish I'd had the courage to deal with it decades ago. I'm a BS (2006/7) but also a FWW (16+ years ago). I've struggled with self-injury, too (scratching till I bleed). Since the latest DDay (10/2/07) my left arm looks like the cat's been at me.

I read somewhere onetime that childhood abuse makes a permanent change in that child's brain. I don't use that as an excuse -- I take full responsbility for the choices I've made -- but it helped to know that maybe, just maybe I wasn't insane or evil.

I want to clear away the muck that keeps me from living the way I want to. I want honesty, clarity, respect, harmony, love....in that order. I want the choices (and mistakes) I make to be MINE, not of some long-dead pathetic monster.

We can get better....and you've got a 20 year head start on me!

[This message edited by Dagny07 at 9:44 PM, November 16th (Friday)]


Me:BW Him: FWH E/A
M: 29 years, together 36 : both guilty of PAs 20+ years ago
CDay#1 Oct 06 (false); DDay#2 Oct 07 (truth from OW's BH)
R: Tenaciously optimistic

Posts: 821 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Midwest
sinned badly
♀ Member
Member # 8168
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will open with saying that if there was hope for me, for my husband and our marriage, there's hope for you. Please bare with me as this is very difficult, humiliating and embarrasing to write. In order for my husband and I to to heal I have to be honest with myself and see the person I was, and how messed up I really was. I was a woman who wasn't just up to my knees in the sewer, I was up to my neck and about to go under, if it hadn't been for the Grace of God and the love and support from my husband, to whom I give all the credit. I might have very well have ended up on the streets, OR WORSE, for that matter.
Here's some background

1) 4-5 yrs old--- molested by about a 50 yr old paper delivery man in his van. He bought me candy. Mom found out about it and confronted him and his wife.
2) 4-5 yrs old--- My grandfather would take me up to the water barrels in the bush behind our house and "do dirties to me" I told mom and she confronted him and he admitted it.
3) 13-14 yrs old--- My mothers common-law husband would come home drunk and molest me. Mom found out and left him. He said I was a liar and a troublemaker. About this age my younger brother and step-brother tied me up to the bed posts and were going to "have a little fun" with me. They finally let me go. I believe this was on my 13th birthday.
4) 15 yrs old--- A car full of boys took me for a ride to the outskirts of town, in the bush, and started shoving me from one guy to the next saying "OK, your turn, and grabbing at my clothes. I guess they were just having "guy fun" but it was devistating to me. I thought I was going to be raped and was scared out of my witts. They did threaten me and told me not to say anything, or else.
5) 16 yrs old--- I was almost raped on a train by some lunatic that got up into my sleeping berth in the night. I somehow convinced him to let me go to the washroom a couple of cars down and when I realized the train was coming to a stop, I got help. It was a very frieghtening experience. I have always believed he was a convict. Very intimidating and controlling.
Besides what I have written further on in my profile I had a ONS with a couple of males before marriage and sex with a couple of my boyfriends. After marriage there were a couple guys that kissed me and I allowed them to inappropriately touch my breasts.

I have been married since November 8th 1968. I have had 2 ONS and 2 three month affairs. I could have very easily got involved in another affair. Even though the OM was tempted, he was smart enough to put his family and job ahead of lust and realize what he would have been risking had he have buckled to temptation. He was a manager/forman of a big plant.
I admire and respect him greatly for that decision. I was doing well after my last affair in 1982 until I went to my friends wedding a few years later and was really hurt because she had asked someone else to stand up for her after I had been her best friend for years. I was devastated and felt betrayed. Even though I didnít drink at that time, I got really drunk and ended up inappropriately touching and kissing a man I never met before. Luckely I came to my senses and left. My husband knew about the ONS and the 2 affairs. When I confessed after my last affair in 1982, I was hysterical and I told my husband I was going to leave. He took me in his arms and said ďI love you, I forgive you and youíre not going anywhere, weíll get through this.Ē For 3 months he comforted me as I nearly had a nervous breakdown. As time went on, he started to ask questions. I just told him I didnít want to talk about it and told him not to rub it in my face. He continued to ask off and on for the next 22 years, always getting the same answer. Then in November of 2004 he almost lost it. Even though I had put the affair behind me and thought he had to, he lived the nightmare over and over in his head until he got to the point he wanted to drive his car infront of a truck just to end his pain. I had no idea he was hurting. He explained to me how important it was to have closure. For the first time I started talking. But it was truth mixed with lies. Because so many years had passed, I had
forgotten so many of the details that he so desperately needed. I would give him a bone and let him chew on it for awhile and then give him another one. I didnít want to hurt him any more than he already was.
I know now that I should have been open and honest with him and told him the cold hard truth from the very beginning instead of shoving it under the carpet. Finally on Valentines Day 2006 I came clean about everything. Things that he knew about and things he didnít know about. So much of what I had done didnít make sense. I phoned a councellor and we have started dealing with my many cases of childhood sexual
abuse and incest and also growing up in a dysfunctional family. My dad was very sick with a fatal crippling disease from the time I was old enough to know he was my dad and then I was ripped out of his arms when he was finally admitted to a hospital when I was about 10,11. I hardly ever saw him after that. My aunt took me and my 2 brothers to see him once and she said we were all crying and a visitor in the hospital told her he was leaving because he couldn't stand watching that any more. She said she would never take us there again. I'm sure my dad was crying and holding onto us because he probably thought he'd never see us again. He was right. I've always been angry that I lost my dad and I would often imagine him putting his loving arms around me and telling me everything was going to be O.K. He should have been there to protect me from those that hurt me, but he wasn't. Not long after he was sent to the hospital my mom started living with the man I called "my new daddy" he would get drunk often and besides molesting me, he would beat my mom up. After mom left him, she lived common-law with a couple of other men who also drank and beat her. She was looking for love in all the wrong places and was also looking for someone who could help her financially raise her kids. We were her main concern. I saw her doing things and acting in ways that I should have never been exposed to. Even though I love my mother with all my heart, she didn't set a good example for her children. I have my reasons for believing she was also molested and her family was also disfuntional. I had no disapline or rules. When I started going out with boys. All I was told was not to get pregnant. Yet I don't think she would have cared if I did. I could do no wrong in her eyes. She leaned on me alot to help with my brothers. Even though I refuse to use any of this as an excuse it all had a negative impact in my life. I own my own crap and take full responsibility for all my actions.
I can relate to what drug addicts must go through. Itís like a drug. I knew what I wanted and needed, and I knew what the price was to get it. It repulses me to know how low I would go. I am so ashamed and humiliated to know I risked losing my marriage and family. They loved me so much. I went to church and sang praises to the Lord, went to bible studies and even took communion once a month. I was a great hypocrite, yet I thought I was just as good as everyone else. I even put God on the back burner.
I had a great marriage and 2 wonderful boys whom I loved dearly, yet that wasnít enough. I was in the gutter and it wasnít until Valentines day, at the age of 54 that I just realized how messed up I really was.
In reality, I was messed up from a very young age and it followed me through the rest of my childhood, my teens and my marriage because I didnít deal with my issues when I should have. Thatís because I didnít know I had issues until it was almost too late. Unfortunately, I also learned that I could use My body to get what I thought I needed at the time. But then again, I had lost all respect of my body long ago. On the brighter side, with the help and support of my husband, weíre facing all the demons from my past head on. It has been a rough road but one that we will be able to look back at with pride because we beat it before it destroyed us. I thank God often for getting another chance.
I have been able to recognize my weaknesses as needing my low self esteem built up by being shown
affection and attention. My low self esteem made me vulnerable to the advances of men who showed me these things. When I received these things, it was like a drug. I sucked it up like a sponge. I liked being told I was a good person, knowing Iím liked and that I am a somebody. I always thought very little about myself. When I heard these things, I kept going back for more. Just like that addict I was referring to, the more I got the more I wanted and sex was an easy way to say thank you. How disgusting.
I was searching for something, I had a viod. I had no idea what that void was. What made me do the stupid things I did?????
I can now see that all the sexual abuse and growing up in a disfuntional family had a great impact in my life. I can understand why I thought the way I did and why I chose to go down a self destructive path. My councellor said "hurt people, hurt people. How true. The problem is, the people who get hurt usually don't deserve it. Right. Yet, I loved my husband with all my heart.. I was definately out to self destuct. In reality, I tried to sabatage my marriage from the very beginning. Looking back now I can see many times when I tried to sabatage things, especially when they were special days like Valentines day, fathers day, my husbands birthday, our anniversary etc. I didn't mean to do it, but I guess I didn't think I deserved to have anything good and ended up messing those special occassions up one way or another. Now I realize I always have to keep my guard up, but at least now I have a chance. I know what I'm up against.
If you can identify with my story, search for answers as to the "WHY". You might be surprised at what you find. Never give up and take one day at a time. Take care, SB


Me- FWW (54)
FBH- (toonyne) (56)
2 affairs 1976 & 1982, 2 ONS, and that's only the beginning

Posts: 322 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: canada
s.squirrel
♀ Member
Member # 14742
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, November 22nd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was brave of you to share your story. It gave me some real insight into where WH is mentally and how his SAB has messed with his life.

I have a great deal of compassion for him, however, I need to protect myself. I wanted to be his ally; he has now had 2 (maybe more) A's. I have to be my own ally now. I thought I had a husband and friend. Some friend, eh. I promised to be true in sickness and health, richer or poorer, etc. And I was, and am. He couldn't manage to be true to ME in the good times.

Sad, sad, sad. I know there is a great deal of pain and torture in his soul. Still, I realize I must take care of me now: I no longer trust him or believe what he says or does.


Me BS 44
Him WS 45
sons :17, 16
daughter: 13
dday1: 6/1996..separated 1.5yr, then reconciled 1/1998
dday2: 5/7/2007
Separated at last!~10/31/2008
heading -->divorce
But he lost his job in April..so pending, pending, pending.

Posts: 280 | Registered: May 2007 | From: ohio
samgie
Member
Member # 16010
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, December 1st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

someone tell me if this is normal?
After finding out about my husbands multiple use of prostitutes my life has just turned upside down. We are trying to reconcile...and for me it's mostly about keeping our family together.
I'm a survivor of sexual abuse and now I'm feeling that same feeling of feeling abused again but now by my WH. Is this normal?
I feel victimized by him just like I did my perpatrator 20 years ago. My husband was intimate with me last week and it was really hard. I have little to no sexual feelings for him now and I do feel violated. More than anything I'm crushed because he trully was my best friend and I never in my wildest imagine he would hurt me. Help!!!!

Posts: 134 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: ft. lauderdale
s.squirrel
♀ Member
Member # 14742
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, December 2nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Samgie,
Not a thing of it is normal. What I mean is, it's common for a betrayed spouse to have issues with sex after the affair. However, in your case, you have the added hell of the A triggering your Sab issues. Every BS needs to work on re-establishing themselves (the 180) and getting some boundaries in place. In your particular circumstance, I think it's critical that you get some outside help to do this. You are battling infidelity and Sab triggers at the same time.
I have had IC since 2 weeks after d-day. It has really helped keep my brain straight.
Please don't try to just figure it out on your own.

In the meantime, back off from your H for your own sanity, and if having sex feels like abuse to you right now, don't.

My 2 cents; I sure feel for you.


Me BS 44
Him WS 45
sons :17, 16
daughter: 13
dday1: 6/1996..separated 1.5yr, then reconciled 1/1998
dday2: 5/7/2007
Separated at last!~10/31/2008
heading -->divorce
But he lost his job in April..so pending, pending, pending.

Posts: 280 | Registered: May 2007 | From: ohio
MiJa
♂ Member
Member # 11442
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, December 3rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Samgie:

I'm a survivor of sexual abuse and now I'm feeling that same feeling of feeling abused again but now by my WH. Is this normal?

Not only is it normal... it's accurate. Because infidelity is abuse. I've seen countless SAb survivors on SI who describe the trauma and sense of violation from their S's infidelity as comparable to, and often greater than, their previous SAb trauma. What often makes it even more painful is that an SAb survivor usually has problems with trusting people and maintaining long-term relationships, and it hurts that much more when one of the few people in the world you thought you could trust with your heart and your welfare turns out to be a betrayer too. More often than not, a SAb perpetrator was somebody that the survivor was supposed to be able to trust and be supported by too.

Yes, Samgie, it's very normal, right down to the feelings of violation and the lack of sexual feelings for your WH that you describe. I'll also back up what s.squirrel said about having an IC help you through this and not doing anything with your WH that feels like abuse or a violation to you at this point.

I read your profile story and I wanted to give you a question to think over... what similarities do your WH and your perpetrator have in common? Abuse survivors, especially SAb, have a strong tendency to be attracted to people who are reminiscent of their perpetrator(s) in some way. Thinking this question over could open your eyes to some disturbing things inside yourself that you hadn't seen or hadn't allowed yourself to think about before... and it may help explain why you chose someone for a mate who is now attending Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings. It may also help you avoid choosing someone like that again if you decide that being with a sex addict is not the right thing to do for you and for your children.


"But I opened my eyes and walked out the door and the clouds came tumbling down, and it's bye-bye, goodbye, I tried..." -- Ben Folds, "Landed"

Posts: 595 | Registered: Jul 2006
LSGirl
♀ New Member
Member # 16968
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, December 15th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure how this fits in... But My husband has open my childhood up for me... I've held it inside for a many years... I was raped for many years by my stepfather... One night my husband and I were fighting and he yelled at me and said your not going to blame you low self esteem on me... Were you molested or something when you were young... Now on top of everything I'm dealing with a lot of nightmares and thoughts plus my husband's affair... I'm thinking about get help but I'm not sure if I can deal with this issue on top of losing my husband too...

[This message edited by LSGirl at 10:44 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]


One Son 14
Married 15 Years
D-Day #1 October 25th 2007
D-Day #2 Jan 2, 2008 NC broken
D-day #3 Jan 21, 2008 Came clean with seeing here again, although he finally wants to change.
My age 34...
Husband 33...

Posts: 18 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Midwest
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