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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's
LSGirl
♀ New Member
Member # 16968
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, December 15th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure how this fits in... But My husband has open my childhood up for me... I've held it inside for a many years... I was raped for many years by my stepfather... One night my husband and I were fighting and he yelled at me and said your not going to blame you low self esteem on me... Were you molested or something when you were young... Now on top of everything I'm dealing with a lot of nightmares and thoughts plus my husband's affair... I'm thinking about get help but I'm not sure if I can deal with this issue on top of losing my husband too...


One Son 14
Married 15 Years
D-Day #1 October 25th 2007
D-Day #2 Jan 2, 2008 NC broken
D-day #3 Jan 21, 2008 Came clean with seeing here again, although he finally wants to change.
My age 34...
Husband 33...

Posts: 18 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Midwest
s.squirrel
♀ Member
Member # 14742
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, December 16th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LSG,
It's not like you can realize your SA and then just put it back in the box. Not sure if you can deal with it? Unfortunately, you must.

Get a counselor. You need it. I have had IC since a week or 2 after d-day, and thank God for it. And I don't have the issues to deal with that you do. There's no shame in getting some perspective from a professional. It's the right thing to do. For you, and for your marriage if you still want it.

Your mission for Monday: make the call, find some help.
ps. You are stronger than you think.
Praying for you to find the courage.


Me BS 44
Him WS 45
sons :17, 16
daughter: 13
dday1: 6/1996..separated 1.5yr, then reconciled 1/1998
dday2: 5/7/2007
Separated at last!~10/31/2008
heading -->divorce
But he lost his job in April..so pending, pending, pending.

Posts: 280 | Registered: May 2007 | From: ohio
TeatimeAlice
♀ Member
Member # 17414
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have SA in my past too...this A has made me deal with a lot of "files" I wish I could have left closed forever...but now that they're open the can't be stuffed back into the filing cabinet...is there a shredder we can use for brain junk mail... ...didn't think so....so gotta learn to deal huh?


Divorce will be final around the time we should be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary. Pray please I was a faithful loving wife and now my heart is forever crushed because my husband chose his sexual addictions over repairing our marriage. I

Posts: 348 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in Wonderland....wondering how/why this happened!
s.squirrel
♀ Member
Member # 14742
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem is, the "files" have a habit of migrating and popping up again, unless you deal.


Me BS 44
Him WS 45
sons :17, 16
daughter: 13
dday1: 6/1996..separated 1.5yr, then reconciled 1/1998
dday2: 5/7/2007
Separated at last!~10/31/2008
heading -->divorce
But he lost his job in April..so pending, pending, pending.

Posts: 280 | Registered: May 2007 | From: ohio
TeatimeAlice
♀ Member
Member # 17414
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I accidently posted this in another "I can relate"...now I'm bringing it here where I meant to put it...I apologize to any of you who had to read it twice....

Okay...I'm going to be transparent....I was raped as a teen....there was some SA when I was much younger around 3 or 4...and many incidents that tainted me through the years....friend's father making pass at me family friend patting my bottom on the church steps when I was a teen Aunt offering her bil to "pop my cherry" and be gentle with me and get it over with when I was a young teen etc...etc...etc...
I don't trust easily....and when I do trust I have chosen the WRONG people like my OW...and my husband...

Something that I am dealing with in a mighty way---nightmares......years ago after the rape I had nightmares about the rape...I never told anyone and it took a long time for them to go away completely....I STUFFED it....

Fast forward to now.....nightmares are back because this A hurts 100 million times worse than getting raped....how do I know...I lived through that and don't feel like I'm going to live through this...

My rapist is out of my life...my only regret is that by keeping silent he probably has done that to others....

But this A has been an emotional rape by TWO people who were supposed to love me...who wouldn't want to hurt me......and yet they hurt me worse than anything else I've ever gone through!!!!!!!!

I now have nightmares and in them the rape has happened (although I'm not actually reliving that part)...I know it has happened and then it is the OW who picks me up off the ground.......tells me "not to act like a martyr"......I KNOW I've been raped by HER!!!!!!! I wake up and trigger and I'm sad and have trouble functioning.

I am on anti-depressants now...and that was the right choice...something I thought I'd never do....they have helped. I am in pain as are all of us who live in this fallen world.

Do any of the rest of you struggle with nightmares??? If so how do you deal with them??? I just want the pain to all go away!!!!!! I am so tired of this struggle!!!!!!



Divorce will be final around the time we should be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary. Pray please I was a faithful loving wife and now my heart is forever crushed because my husband chose his sexual addictions over repairing our marriage. I

Posts: 348 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in Wonderland....wondering how/why this happened!
s.squirrel
♀ Member
Member # 14742
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Alice)) You have been so betrayed by so many. I don't know about the nightmares (I will say that I have taken benadryl many a night to sleep). I will say, though, that I have had counseling since a week or two after d-day, and I thank God for that choice. It has not been fun, but I have stayed sane. Mostly, anyway!

I think A's are worse for survivors of abuse. Besides just the affair, it triggers
all the abuse shit.

Even HAVING the affair if you are a survivor is a trigger.
It's all so complicated. I hate what H has done, but I know it's all mixed with this stuff, too.
S.


Me BS 44
Him WS 45
sons :17, 16
daughter: 13
dday1: 6/1996..separated 1.5yr, then reconciled 1/1998
dday2: 5/7/2007
Separated at last!~10/31/2008
heading -->divorce
But he lost his job in April..so pending, pending, pending.

Posts: 280 | Registered: May 2007 | From: ohio
LSGirl
♀ New Member
Member # 16968
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with you all... I honestly think about my childhood rape more and more now since the A.... I always thought as my husband as the protector and now he has hurt me worse than the one in my childhood. I have know one I can trust... Or love.. I need to give up.. I honestly think everyone will hurt you sometime in your life noone can really be truly loved like they deserved.


One Son 14
Married 15 Years
D-Day #1 October 25th 2007
D-Day #2 Jan 2, 2008 NC broken
D-day #3 Jan 21, 2008 Came clean with seeing here again, although he finally wants to change.
My age 34...
Husband 33...

Posts: 18 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Midwest
s.squirrel
♀ Member
Member # 14742
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, December 20th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All you have to do LS is read these boards for a while and you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there are a lot of great, loving , dedicated, committed people in the world. Ones who know what real love is.

Don't give up. You're probably too young to know any Todd Rundgren music, but here's the lyric of an awesome tune. Find it and download it. Hold that line and hang in there, friend.

Just One Victory

Weve been waiting so long,
Weve been waiting for the sun to rise and shine
Shining still to give us the will
Can you hear me, the sound of my voice?
I am here to tell you I have made my choice
Ive been listening to whats been going down
Theres just too much talk and gossip going round
You may think that Im a fool, but I know the answer
Words become a tool, anyone can use them
Take the golden rule, as the best example
Eyes that have seen will know what I mean

The time has come to take the bull by the horns
Weve been so downhearted, weve been so forlorn
We get weak and we want to give in
But we still need each other if we want to win

Hold that line, baby hold that line
Get up boys and hit em one more time
We may be losing now but we cant stop trying
So hold that line, baby hold that line

If you dont know what to do about a world of trouble
You can pull it through if you need to and if
You believe its true, it will surely happen
Shining still, to give us the will
Bright as the day, to show us the way
Somehow, someday,
We need just one victory and were on our way
Prayin for it all day and fightin for it all night
Give us just one victory, it will be all right
We may feel about to fall but we go down fighting
You will hear the call if you only listen
Underneath it all we are here together shining still


Me BS 44
Him WS 45
sons :17, 16
daughter: 13
dday1: 6/1996..separated 1.5yr, then reconciled 1/1998
dday2: 5/7/2007
Separated at last!~10/31/2008
heading -->divorce
But he lost his job in April..so pending, pending, pending.

Posts: 280 | Registered: May 2007 | From: ohio
Crusher71
♀ New Member
Member # 16915
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, December 25th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was SA by my grandfather as a child(preteen), and alot of information came out about it 3 years ago that I was unaware of. As a result of this information, I quit talking to my grandmother and stopped going down there for the 'traditional' christmas get together. Let me point out my grandfather passed away 4 years ago. Well yesterday my 15 year old son asked me why I don't go down there anymore? How do I explain to him the situation without making him uncomfortable?


Me(WS)-37
H-37
Married for 4 years, together for 9 years.
D-day- Oct 31, 2007

Posts: 11 | Registered: Nov 2007
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, December 25th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

his is a tough one, because in a way hey have a right to know and in a way they don't.

But at the same time, sometimes the olive branch cometh in the voice of innocence.

I am not a SAb survivor, but I do deal with some of the very harsh realities of it. I know that I wish that some of it would find resolution, so that it become less confrontive in our lives.

I don't know any particulars, but have you been able to deal with these issues. IC. I certainly don't disagree with your choice to avoid the abusers place, but as you see, it is having consiquences unseen and unwanted. How many other ways has this affected you. I guess my question is how much control has it exerted upon your life and allows it to diveate from "normal". (whatever normal is)

Good Luck.

Merry Christmas


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
patriciag
Member
Member # 16
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

crusher
MY childern never knew about by sa by my father until I pressed charges many years ago.I knew I had to tell them,But like you wonder what to say,also worried if they wound look at me different.My oldest daughter said she knew something happened to me but didn't know what.I think our childern know more then we think(all 3 of my childern were teenagers at the time).
When I told them,I didn't go into detail but answered their questions.When I went court my son wanted to come in my daughts didn't.
I feel your son wants to know or he would have ask.By the way my childern never looked at me differently(my fear).
patricia


Me-47,H-49,H 1EA,1 PA
d-day 4/18/2000,R-day 4/18/2002
There is a light at the end of this tunnel. Keep going towards the light.

Posts: 425 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Canada
orchid
Member
Member # 7223
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not ever underestimate the devistation sa causes for the victim or for those who suffer with them.
Not saying anything about anyone here just something I think we all need to think about.


You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2005 | From: Western US
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went and found this for a friend and posted it in another thread, but I thought it might be good to put here, jusat in case someone wanteed to read it.

And here is a reprint of Stunned Dad's first post in the thread:


Topic: Candid talk about sex abuse and its role in affairs

I have seen it plenty of times on more than one message board....sex abuse and infidelity going hand and hand.

It seems to have a category of its own because often what happens in the here and now is not just influenced by past abuse but HEAVILY influenced by past abuse.

Some common vunerablities of sex abuse victims:

1) Low self esteem/sense of worthlessness. For those who were repeatedly abused they percieve there only value in having sex or being used for sex. They have a hard time seeing themselves beyond this. Often they cannot accept compiments, cannot accept loving relationship is because they don't feel worthy of being loved.

2) Disassociate. Victims learn both in the begginning of being abused then later as a coping mechanism to disassociate themselves from the abuse from their attacker. During the abuse the victim will learn to pick a spot on the ceiling or wall and focus on it until the abuse was over. After the abuse is over they learn to disassociate the every day person from the person abused. It allows them to seperate the pain of abuse from the everyday life.

3) Minimizing. Abuse victims learn to minimize the abuse. After all if they convince themselves its not abuse then they are not victims...who wants to be a victim. Or if they convince themselves the abuse wasn't all that bad then don't feel the urgency to face it to deal with it.

4) Compartmentalize. Abuse victims learn to comparmentalize things. If they store painful memories in the far reaches of their mind then don't have to live with it constantly. The memories are still there unlike suppressing or repressing memories.

5) Secrecy. Abuse victims learn real early you don't tell. Often a skilled (word used loosely) predator can tell which children will or won't tell. And of course they go after the child they think won't tell. In closer relationships where the abuser is a someone known to the victim they rely on pressure and manipulating the victim into silence. They may say things like be quiet you don't want to people to know you did this or that. They may imply some type of harm will come to the victim and in some cases outright threaten the victim should they tell.

6) Self blaming. This comes in many forms. The abuser themselves while try and convince their victim they "wanted it" or they "enjoyed it". The victim might have a physical reaction to the abuse. They will say well if I felt something if I responded then I must have wanted it in someway. Finally society will project blame....good girls don't do that. For boys straight boys don't do that and so on.

7) Lack of empathy. Not surprising that if you learn to ignore your own abuse then you won't be very aware of other persons pains.

8) Distorted sexuality. Sex becomes something that is based on control not on love and pleasure. The victim sees sex a way to get "secondary gains". If I submit to this then I will be liked, loved or even just left alone. They see sex as unpleasant, as hurtful as being less of significane. In short they take those skills of minimizing, disassociation and apply it to their sexuality. Sex is less about pleasure and more about who is the boss.

Those are just some of the many ways sex abuse impacts its victim.

How does that relate to adultery?

Well first and foremost we know many WSs had low self esteem. They felt unloved, they felt worthless.

We also know that WSs compartmentalize, minimize, disassociate themselves from the fantasy of their affair and their every day life.

And of course all affairs involve a high level of secrecy.

But here is the big key for those WSs that were sexually abused as a child or young teen........these feelings (distorted sexuality and sense of worthlessness), these learned behaviors (compartmentalizing, disassociating and minimizing) were FORCED on them.

The SA victim HAD to learn these behaviors in order to cope with something forced on them against their will. And often forced on them when they were for the most defenseless to deal with the abuser.

I would urge any BS who's spouse was sexually abused to read The Sexual Healing Journey. It covers a ton of stuff on how SA impacts its victims. It also speaks to the partners or loved one of SA victims.

My old computer crased but I hope to get the bookmarks off the old drive. There are ton of posts on Marriage Builders by abuse victims. They talk very candidly about how the abuse controled them for years even though they thought they had a handle on it.

So both WS and BS dealing with SA please keep in mind what happened in the recent past was strongly influenced by your WS's past as a child or young teen. And it was a past that saw things forced on them against their will.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all.

Big thanks to hurts. He has so much insight and his posts have helped me greatly.

I am now doubly crushed. My wifes affair hurt me so deeply. Now I feel like the absolute victim as their is nothing I could have done about it.

Has anyone been able to ever recover correctly from an affair of a SAB survivor and have anything at all normal?

I am scared.


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, February 2nd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Hefty, glad you could make it over. It gets slow sometimes, but there are those here who do qualify.

Keep a chin up and an eye open.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
mitz66
♀ Member
Member # 17888
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, February 3rd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all, Interesting to come across this thread..both WH and I are SA survivors...we both have had therapy in the past to deal with it...now with the EA, I have been thinking about it more...had some strange dreams but not about the SA directly. We did not tell MC about the SA...I think I will ask WH if he is open to bringing that up, if not I think I will talk about mine...what do you guys think?


Me:44 BS Him:43 WH
M May 07 Adult kids
DDay #1 Pics on cell jly 07
Jan08 DDay #2 "Just Friends" admits EA DDay #3 July 2010 - he insisted on platonic contact ..False R - until Dec 2010 admits PA in April 07
Dec 2012 NC succeeded

Posts: 542 | Registered: Jan 2008
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, February 3rd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mitz, welcome. I would tend to be on the side of telling MC. Wither it is an issue in your relationship is for you guys to decide. But if you are seeking the help of a counselor, they need to have a full picture in order to help you.

One thing that I have learned here is how much the after effects of SAb can be. Your course of action in many things is greatly inflenced by past traumas. Many times rlating to views on sex, trusting a partner, response to situations, bounderies, self defense mechanisms, compartmentalization skills, communication skills. and so much more. They all overlap and interact.

Bring it up as it may help the MC work a path of undrstanding through the maze.

Keep posting, talking about does help and in here I know I learn so much from so many good people.

Thanks


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, February 4th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hefty,

Recovering from SAb is daunting. I consider us reconciled from the A, but the SAb issues are still there, and may be there for a very long time.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
Kush
♀ Member
Member # 9169
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, February 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurts
Thanks you for sharing that powerful piece.
Sometimes BS's get so wrapped up in our own anger and self pity, we forget about compassion and the abuse our spouses suffered when they were so small.
As painful as all this is for us, as adults- think what it must have been like for a helpless child to be
terrorized likr that.
My heart just melted.
Kush


Real honor is standing up for what you say you are, even when no one is looking.

Posts: 425 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Buffalo
no_one
♀ Member
Member # 18041
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, February 24th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow, mijas post in the very beginning of this thread is so true to a T


im dead inside

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