There are also times I can go months without acting out at all. In fact, when my kids were little, I don't remember acting out obsessively...but there has always been MB issues.
I hope she brings it up with her therapist, I'm up for almost anything to help her with this.
Ok here goes this is going to be a really long one.
I suppose it all stared before I was even born. My parents got together in high school they were not in love just trying to excape their parents. My mom got pregnant and they got married. My bother was born premature and died in my fathers arms at 3 weeks old. So they worked really hard to have another baby. My mom went into labor early agian and my parents had no car. They made it to the milatry base to deliver the baby. He was breach the Dr. tried to turn him but ended up pushing his nose bone into his brain and killed him. Once agian my parents thought that if they could try agian they would be ok. So my sister was born. She was a very healthy baby except for the fact that she is leaglly blind. My dad so badly wanted a son that they decided to try one more time. I was born. The Doctors said they did not think I would live. He didn't believe it but after my heart stpooed for the 21st time disconnedted himself from me. Obviously I did not die because here I am now. I grew I got strong and I never had anymore problems with my heart. When I was 2 and my sister was 3 we moved to AZ. My parents were having a hard time making it and providing for us so they left us with our uncle for a little while. We spent the next month being sexualy tormitted by him until my parents came back. They found out what happened and neither of them did anything about it. They just moved us to Oklahoma. When I turned 4 my real problems began. While my father had always been abusive to my mother he never hit me until I started getting sick. I threw up 5 to 6 times a day and the Doctors said if I didn't stop it would kill me. They told my father I was trying to get attention so he decided to give it to me. When he was not beating me he was raping me. I lived in hell with him until I was almost 11. My parents decided t split and they said that we could live with whom ever we wanted. I had a short reprive of 3 months before my dad showed up to get me. I survived another 3 years before I got out and came agian to be with my mom. I was fianlly taken to another Dr where I was diagnosed with gastroparesis which is why I was thowing up. At this point I trusted no one. Expecialy not a man. I made it trough 8th grade and went on to high school. In high school I met my H we dated and it did not work because I thought he was way to serious for a 15 year old ( he was talking about forever and he hardly knew me) so we became friends. I then started dating someone else. We were the perfect couple until I fianally broke down and slept with him. The next day he broke up with me and a month later I found out I was pregnant. My h was my best friend at the time and I confided in him a lot. It wasn't until I was 3 months pregnant that my H called and said "Lilly I love you, I have always loved you. If you want to be with me that lets be together, but this is the last time I am asking." We have been together ever since. I decided when I was 6 months pregnant and bearly eating that there was no way I could provide for my son. I decided to give him up for adoption. I found him a wonderful family and my H supported me through the whole process. He was even in the delivery room with me. He held me when I cried for months after and he still holds me when I cry thinking about my son. At this point our relationship moved sexaul and that is where all our problems started. Sex scares me evrything about it is scary to me. We worked through it and had a pretty normal relationship but over the last 2 years since my accident I have withdrawn agian. I am not sure why I just go through periods all of the sudden where I have no desire to be with any one in a sexual way. When my FBF came we were probably having sex once every 2 weeks. I blame myself for that and not being able to get past my own past. But I blame him for not telling me that he was having a problem. So you see he came in to my fucked up dark life and gave me hope and light. First he saved me and now he is breaking my heart
it does matter and so do you. it was brave to share your story.
[This message edited by cani4give at 6:55 PM, July 6th (Monday)]
All I can say is that I am so glad for you and your WW that she is willing to dig deep and face that dark place.
It is hard because it requires support from you, and support can sometimes be hard to muster after betrayal.
My fwh refuses to dig...and I fear in the end that might just do us in...
I can have compassion for him...but if he is not willing to face his own demons, well, then he is asking me to...because ultimately I am the one who will be hurt when they resurface.
You should try some IC to find that strength within you to not fall there again.
cani - I am not very ggood with this, but you and I share some very common ground. First of all, you gotta know that if your W is confronting her demons, it is so very hard and I hope she can find her way through and find some peace with herself with it. Bear in mind, it is a hard journey on both partners, and it will only give her management tools for it, not forgettfullness.
As to why, This is my belief, from my research and my observations and experience with my W. If any one feels different or can inject observations, please, I am an open book looking to learn.
When a person is abused, especially as a young child and by a family member, a huge trust that is ingrained into us is violated. We were all raised with the hope and need to be safe at home. When that is violated, well then the victim has to find their own safety. ANd many times it is to withdraw inside, allow whatever is happening on the outside to continue and then move on.
This requires much energy and focus. to do this energy and focus is transfered from other areas of our development.
The most common is the emotional developement. It just stops at the point of abuse starting.
Example. My W too was abused from about age eleven to 18. By her brothers. Now when this began she stopped a normal developing emotional state. Needing to focus on her protection and eventually a need within her to protect her sisters.
She never learned how to be around boys. I see this very plainly with her inability to deal withour teen boys. She never figured out all of the daily behaviors and how to deal with them.
It also makes them have a very skewed look at sex. It has nothing to do with love. It has everything to do with acceptance.
It is complex.
But my wife and I were having problems. Directly related to her EA with a co worker. She needed to have his acceptance. At just about any cost. There was no PA. I believe this. But her drive for acceptance was strong.
We were in MC. She was being badgerewd (my words) by a guy who could see the opening and came on wanting to be her friend, understanding her pain and needs. She fell for it. The need for a friend and acceptance driving hard. I do not think she started out looking for anything but a friend. But once he had her alone, he goes right after her. She drops into protective mode and BAM. Now, my W did stop this push on her midway. But the act was done. She just shut down and let it happen, removing herself from the scene into her mind.
What gives it credience is that I have seen her do that to me when we were first dating and then M.
I don't have the fancy words, but I do get it. If youre W is getting help, man, that is a major part of the battle.
My W started with IC to work on it, but the IC was inept and screwed it up, bad. Now W is afraid to try it again.
I have to run for now, but hopefully someone else more articulate and more knowledgable will come along.
Sending thoughts and prayers to you guys.
Welcome to another layer of Hell.
We strongly suspect my wife was abused, probably by her mom, maybe by an uncle, then she was raped as a teenager, at least once.
Some abuse victims don't consider sex a big deal, they can take it or leave it, and it's not important who they have it with. They feel sex is like a handshake.
They can also be dissociated from sex, in our life my libido has been much higher than my wifes 99% of the time.
Some victims consider their only worth to be sexually related, sex is the price they pay for attention. I think that's why my wife has sex with OM, she just liked the attention and sexually charged banter.
I think my wife's depression is related to her abuse in childhood.
The Sexual Healing Journey, Courage in Healing and Allies in Healing are three highly recommended books.
SAb is supposed to be treatable with therapy, we're not there yet, maybe when my wife gets more stable.
Married a long time...my H had a short PA 3 years and 2 kids into our marriage. It was devastating, but we were young, totally into our family life together and happy with that, so didn't really "deal" with it...moved on without much communication about it or investigation.
About 10 years later I discovered that I had been sexually abused as a child and that was inhibiting my ability to enjoy sex with my H. I never told him because I was ashamed, our communication was not good, and I didn't know how to tell him. I thought I could deal with it myself, but I really couldn't.
We had sex, but it was mostly passive from my side.
He was frustrated.
One year ago he had an EA/PA and I really came undone - I feel like I became disassembled completely and in the process the abuse was healed...I told him of the abuse. We have been in HB for a year...I am still hurting from the A, and he is hurt and resentful that I never told him about the abuse, that he was frustrated for so long, and now feels sorry for my hurt over the A, but somewhat justified for having had one....
He resists MC, and I did IC for a few months but that doesn't help HIM.
We both want R, and we have a beautiful, strong family together who we are complelely devoted to..
Whatever do I do now to heal the A for me and my H's resentment of a frustrating sexual marriage for so long?????? Because of my abuse I feel responsible for my H's A..
I don't believe an unsatisfying sex life is a valid reason for an affair. What about your husbands first affair, just how much sex did he expect when you had two babies in three years?
IC should help you in dealing with your SAb, which may help your libido down the road. Your husband can be there and be supportive and be a man.
I needed to hear this:
I don't believe an unsatisfying sex life is a valid reason for an affair.
I really think my H is indeveloped when it comes to other ways to be intimate -besides sex. It is ALWAYS his answer/solution to being close. While it IS a true & essential way to be connected, it seems like it is his ONLY way....
his whole family has alot of communication disfunction...the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, aye?
I want to help him work on all that, but without compromising myself.
What alot of work this all is!!!!!
[This message edited by cani4give at 6:56 PM, July 6th (Monday)]
I struggle everyday with this, the side effects of childhood SAb on a spouse. I know not if I or the M will survive, I guess time is the teller.
Lucjk to you
[This message edited by cani4give at 6:57 PM, July 6th (Monday)]
First, don't have a revenge A.
Second, you should be flattered, in the twisted world of the SAb, sex is typically only good with the few men they love and respect. My DW said the sex with OM was bad.
They also only feel safe rejecting the advances of the men they love and respect, but that's a different issue.
[This message edited by cani4give at 6:58 PM, July 6th (Monday)]
My fWW was raped by the OM; that is how the affair started. He kept bothering her and hitting on her, she kept refusing, then he physically forced himself on her. She said "no" - and she did struggle, hit, kicked, and bit him. But he had his way.
She felt like it was her fault, and felt guilty, and ashamed, and afraid I would leave her. So when he came back and asked her for sex, she would say no, over and over, tell him to go away, but when he threatened to tell people that they had had sex, she gave in. And the more that happened, the deeper she got.
MC says this follows a typical pattern of a child molester. And her pattern was that of a childhood SAb victim.
She does not say she remembers any SA in her childhood. But there were some weird stories she told me when we were first dating, about one of her mom's boyfriends. And her first experience with sex as a teenager, that she remembers, sounds very much like the older teenage boy forced himself on her.
This has happened before with her, 11 years ago, her ex husband raped her, and she kept going back to him, to ensure that the secret was kept (though she eventually confessed). When I found that out, I almost left her. And I insisted she go to IC, but she refused, and agreed to MC. But that MC was not very good.
Fast forward to today, and I'm looking at her ending her LTA with the second rapist. She says she hated him, never wanted to do it with him, and was relieved when I finally got her to tell me the whole truth, because that meant she was no longer obligated to "service" his needs.
I'm relieved that she's finally agreed to go to IC. I'm horrified to find out all that she did over the past 5 years, as a result of being involved with this OM. And I'm stuck in this dilemma, that even if I do eventually trust her; who's to say some other rapist wont come along? (or the same guy, who keeps getting away with it! - he has "forced himself" on at least one other woman we know of).
MC and IC both say that going to the police against this guy is entirely up to her.
Your wife needs some major therapy, I hope it helps her.