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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shyguy,

From my reading, it's common for SAb survivors to have unusual ideas on sex, for instance it's about as big of a deal as a handshake, or it's their only worth as a person.

There's also something about gaining power over the abuse by seeking out something similar and reliving it, I forget what that's called.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks!


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
aprilbetdme
♂ Member
Member # 21211
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my stbxw was abused by her father and raped at age 15. she is also an alcoholic, although I believe she is in recovery.
Anyway, I found out that she was having affairs and didnít want to be married anymore. Wouldnít even talk to me.
Now she wants to talk. About what I donít know. I told her I donít want to talk. Iíve been hurt to much and Iím in recovery from this ordeal.

Should I talk to her?


year later.
Hard to believe that I put so much into the relationship with WW.
I did learn many valuable lessons that Iíve taken onto my next relationship.

Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option.


Posts: 160 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: minnesota
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Talk to her if it will help you. If you are going to try to R then yes. If D is only option then you decide if you need to listen. She has hurt you enough. I want to know for myself what happended. Why did my world get crushed?


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
aprilbetdme
♂ Member
Member # 21211
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, November 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will only talk to her if R is possible. if she does not agree to r then i will not talk with her.


year later.
Hard to believe that I put so much into the relationship with WW.
I did learn many valuable lessons that Iíve taken onto my next relationship.

Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option.


Posts: 160 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: minnesota
aprilbetdme
♂ Member
Member # 21211
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, November 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

text of letter I sent her.

I have worked really hard to get to where I am this week, compared to six weeks ago. I don't know the reason you want to talk to me but if you have no plans to be my wife, don't call or contact me.

If your working on AA step 8 and want to make amends. Please wait a few years before you contact me.
If you want to explain why you dumped me and your taking up with a couple of other guys. Please wait a few years before you contact me and then wait a few more.

April, you have unresolved issue with your childhood sexual abuse and alcoholism. You don't feel anybody can ever love you or care for you. Those that get to close, you push away. You can be helped but you have to want to be helped.

I am moving on with my life. I still want you to be part of my life but that is fading fast. Its fading fast, not because I don't want you. Its fading fast because of the steps I'm taking to make that so. I'm seeing a Psychologist, weekly. Attending Al-anon meetings and working the steps. I also call in with phone counseling service, on a daily basis. i give myself 1/2 hour a day to think a write about you. Otherwise, i think about you all day and night long.

I'm taking steps to heal myself from this trauma. to me, the closest thing i can describe this trauma to is like you died. I have to go on with life, without you. the hopes and plans are all gone, ripped away. Every hope, plan, dream and sacrifice has been for not.

So please, if you have no plans for me in your life, as your husband. Don't contact me. If you do still want me. I am willing to have you back in my life.


year later.
Hard to believe that I put so much into the relationship with WW.
I did learn many valuable lessons that Iíve taken onto my next relationship.

Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option.


Posts: 160 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: minnesota
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, November 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Writing a letter is a great idea. The letter is great. You are honest and up front. You did not attack her. You were supportive but honest. Thanks I may write a letter myself. Talking to her just doesn't work.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
humboldtmom
♀ Member
Member # 21569
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, November 9th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a BS that's an SA Survivor myself. I spent many years healing and overall am at a good place with the abuse. Just like anyone though, I still have my days.

After confirmation of D-Day (I heard it 1st from OW aka my sister, then a week later my H confirmed it.) my H tells me how much he loves me and admits that his childhood contained more than just the physical abuse he admitted to me.

He's learning more about himself through a General Psychology class he's taking, and part of our R is based on him opening up to his own issues b/c of this class. I personally credit Courage to Heal for allowing me to survive adolescence, or I might have just been another suicide statistic.

So, for those wanting to help a spouse that refuses IC, I suggest that book or others recommended here. If not, maybe a general psychology class or even an online support group might help. Does anyone have suggestions for books (especially some w/ journaling prompts) that would particularly help a man SAB?

My H is at a very different place than I am, and this was the first time he's ever admitted it to anyone. It's been difficult to support him in his healing journey, while still being pissed about the A that was devastating to me.


Me BS - 32
FWH - 34 - 1.5yr PA (with my sister, RIP)
Together 13y Married 10y
3 children: 10 & 9 & 1 1/2
D-Day 9/08

Posts: 223 | Registered: Nov 2008
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, November 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just found this forum--I didn't understand what it was about --but this one seems to have the most answers for me and I have actually ended up in tears reading some of the posts because this is where we are, my H and I.
Please --this is very tough to write as I have never told anyone, but it seems like there are people here who will understand and I need some understanding because I am so lost.

My WH was sexually abused (made to do oral and stuff) as a child. He remembers around the age of 7 or 8 a neighbor boy threatening him with "I'll tell" or stuff like that, and he remembers being afraid to go out of the house. He also says he has uncomfortable feelings about a grandpa when he was very young but can't remember those. Now he is a total homophobe and gets very upset at gays.

His parents did their part--with books like Hustler and other graphic porn laying around. He never had a chance. And his mother told me he has seen his father hit her once and she was made to do some uncomfortably kinky things. She later had an affair and left the family for a number of years--which my H has never forgiven her for.

So the post about SA survivors being stuck mentally at a young age so hit home. He has very backwards views about sex--he gets so tongue tied and embarrassed if he sees another woman's boobs in public--you know with low cut dresses and sometimes sheer stuff. And in the beginning, between us it was great--but after just a short time, he started saying things like "don't you get bored with just normal sex", and the intimacy left and it was just "you wanna f***?". I was wondering, where is the love and intimacy? Then he told me his fantasy was a 3-some--well I know most guys fantasize about that so I didn't take it seriously, until he asked me to actually do it. I told him I couldn't--it was okay for him to fantasize but in reality it would make me sick. Then he said he would just like to watch me and another guy. I told him that if he ever pushed to bring another person into our intimacy--I would probably never forgive him and it would end our relationship. So he stopped, but so pretty much did our sex life. Now it is just once every few months, and it is not satisfying in any way. He did get a hernia which makes it impossible for him to actually do much, so I kind of chalked up his lack of interest in the pain from his stomach, and we can't afford the surgery at this point, but I know he has a problem with intimacy.

The reason I have stuck with him, he is such a good guy. He has spent his life in service to others, and has a big heart, and has been so good to my children from my first marriage. He lies awake at night worrying about their problems and trying to be a good dad, and he stuck with me thru a horrendous second divorce from an abusive man. Any other man would have run, because my ex tried to not only ruin me but also ruin my now H's character. I have a protective order from him, that is how bad it was, and my current H has stood by me thru it all. My family loves him because he has been so good to me and my children, and the rest of our relationship is great. But the sexual part is scary. And I don't know what to do about it. He admitted one time that he never really learned how to have a healthy sexual relationship, but being from a macho type profession and old school "man taking care of things", he thinks he can solve all his own problems and refuses counseling. I am in counseling.

The real problems came when he had to leave for a job. He is 3 states away--saving our house from foreclosure by working for a relative. When he left me, he was so upset he threw up. He cried for weeks on the phone --he missed us. Apparently that was when he started going onto porn sites, chatrooms, webcams, and calling escort services. I found one day of 6 different calls--when questioned--he said he was curious and when the 1st one called back he got scared and quit calling and didn't answer the phone. The phone records do show that after the first call back, which lasted only 1 minute, he did not call anymore. So I am believing him on that one.

But I was so hurt and upset and told him I was leaving over all this--he got angry, then he got scared, then he told me he was sorry, he couldn't stand how bad he hurt me, and he sent his laptop home with me so I would not have to worry about this happening again.

We will not be together for 6 more months except for occasional monthly 3 to 4 day trips. So this is so much harder. When we were together--there weren't any major problems. My counselor said she feels that the stress of the separation is what turned him back to what apparently he has turned to for comfort and to ease his pain since he learned this as a child.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14901 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, November 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry, this is so long my dial up just disconnected! Anyway, I know he is going to need help but I am not sure what to do, I know he loves me and he is trying to control himself, but I think this will take more than just willpower--I think he needs help to actually change how he thinks about sex. Any help on this topic would be so appreciated.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14901 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, November 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Naive,

Is your H open to therapy? SAb is supposed to have a high success rate when treated.

If not, would he be willing to work through "Courage to Heal"?


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, November 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not at this time--I have asked a couple of times and he really doesn't see his addiction pattern just yet. He thinks he can "willpower" this stuff away. He is also from a very macho profession where they just don't do counseling much. I read Courage to Heal, but I know he won't. Right now, he is back to sweeping this problem under the rug--but I think he is thinking about some of this on his own, because every once in a while he will broach the topic in some way. I think I have to wait for him to process things a bit more, or if something else crops up, depending on what it is, He goes to counseling or I leave. I am pretty sure after learning about this that it will not go away by itself.

If he agreed to counseling--I would be doing cartwheels!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14901 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, November 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I gave a copy of Courage to heal to my ex wife. She read it a couple of times(I could tell by the statements she made). She won't get counseling. I asked her to get tested for stds but she refuses. I have given up.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
Daisiemai
♀ Member
Member # 21158
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, November 20th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NaiveAgain...

I feel for you. When I read your post, I felt like it was written about Mr. A. He says he is open the therapy but not right now. I started today. Knowing we are seperated at this time, we still spend a lot of time together and I would like him to be healthy. I am going to look into that book and see if he will read...maybe not...but it is worth a shot.

I think for us it is hard to because we both sexual abuse survivors. Though we have very different ways of looking at sex. I don't know if that is because of our genders or because of our situations...

anyways I want you to know you are not alone and you are in my thoughts.

(((hugs)))


Me: 31
Mr. A:30
Together 2 years
Dday: 9/16/08
Darling D (5) from past marriage.

Update:
11/6 Mr. A moved out while I am away at a conference.
11/8 Mr. A tells me he wants to be single.
11/13 Mr. A and I decide to take one day at a time.


Posts: 59 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Lacey, WA
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, December 15th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am a survivor...and a bs.

in some ways, it makes what my h did even harder to take. he knows what happened to me. he is the only man in my life i got to choose, and he betrayed me.

wtf?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, December 15th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry!


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, December 15th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks, shyguy, and everyone.

wish i could post more right now, but don't think i can.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, December 17th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Write when your are ready. There are a lot of helpful people here.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
notsogreat
♀ Member
Member # 19912
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, December 18th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure if this is the place to post but......How do I heal my "inner child"? Sometimes I get so sad and even jealous (terrible I know) when I see love, attention, and PROTECTION my BS gives our 4y/o dd. I am so sad I never had that. I feel like I will never be anyones "special girl" especially now since my A. Everything I read about healing inner child says stuff like take your self out for icecream, ride on a swing for enjoyment, etc. I don't want a swing or some flippin icecream......I wanted a chance to be normal!!!!! I'm sorry if this doesn't belong here I didn't know where else to put it



Not sure where we stand just "hanging in limbo"

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jun 2008
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Question  Posted: 12:45 PM, December 18th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry! I wish I had an answer. I will say a prayer for you. This particular section doesn't get much traffic.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
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