If he does track me down here I cannot hide that I have posted in this forum (no way to delete posts, I checked with a mod) but I have taken out any content that is identifying in any way.
My privacy is violated and I hate that he has taken this away from me too.
i am thinking about trying once again to make myself talk to ic...
maybe i'll be successful this time at actually going through with it...
there's just too much that time cannot erase
And the more I know, the less I understand
Because of you...I am afraid...
I know I am rambling but there s so much I am uncovering that my head is so twisted. I hope that someone can help me resolve some of my questions. TY
okay, first of all, a foggy WS is going to say a lot of things that will not make sense. I'd advise you to read a lot here. A lot. Read as much as you can. And if you think there is a lie, then trust your gut.
not saying he is not an SA survivor, not saying he isn't telling the truth. you do not know. We do not know.
I'm saying trust your instincts. you have to.
and as a survivor myself? I'll tell you there is no excuse for adultery. none. it does give you a reason... a reason for the behavior, helps you to see why and what the person was doing...but it does not EXCUSE it. There is no EXCUSE.
and do not let anyone tell you otherwise.
I have read a lot of posts on this site. I am still reading more to learn more. What everyone has been sharing on here has helped me tremendously to try and understand. I guess what I am trying hard to understand is how you can not remember things that you are doing. The only times he remembers something is if I ask him point blank questions about certain gifts he has given her or the emails that I have proof on hand. Other then that he tells me general information. We have a MC appointment today, but I think I need to seek IC so that I don't stink any deeper into this abyss I feel like I am in.
call him on his crap. Trust but verify. And trust your instincts.
IC for your WH would probably be a good idea, regardless of his abuse issues.
I'm glad you're considering IC for yourself. It's been incredibly helpful for me as a BS. It's tempting sometimes to try really hard to figure out your WS mentality and issues, but I've figured out over time (took me a while) that it's much more helpful to focus on myself.
This forum can be a bit slow sometimes; this is actually the first time I've posted here myself. For a while I didn't think I qualified to post here. There's quite a bit more traffic in the General forum - lots of people will extend support to you. Maia's words were spot on, though; I always read what she writes (even though she doesn't know it).
And yes, it does get better with time.
First off, Maia is on the track here. Weither or not he is Sab, it sounds like he is using it as a shield. My gut impression is that he is playing the game. I wonder if he is NC or not. How are all of his other actions?
It does get easier as time passes. It is so much easier when you have a remorsful WS helping the process.
I agree that IC mould be helpful for you also. There is so much going on in the trauma dept and the emotional explosions happening to you. It can help you sort out how your doing and to try and allow you to find a better path for you.
If your WH is not a part of helping this matter finds a resolution, then you need to help yourself on to that path.
Sending thoughts and prayers
I have some wispy misty memories of being abused on more than one occasion when I was very small. l remember my mother sitting me down and telling me not to ever do that again. I think there were other occasions with other males, but again, they too are only fragments.
My H had an A-actually there were 7 OW. On D-Day he said he had the affair because I couldn't respond, I didn't respond and so I had left him no choice. A counselor said that no, he had a choice, and it was not a good one. I don't think he believed that, and I certainly didn't, because at some level, I knew my H was right. I didn't respond, I couldn't respond because so often when he touched me, I felt ice water through my veins and like I was frozen.It was a horrible icky feeling of revulsion that often I just endured it so he could get off. That's what made me happy, that he have a good time. Sex was never about pleasure for me at all and I was so OK with that. I never felt deprived or resentful. I got what I wanted-for him to be satisfied. I had no concept of what it meant to fully participate in having sex. That was reason #2 for his having an affair, it was what she let him do to her that I wouldn't let him do. WTF?? He could do anything he wanted. The only thing he never got was my pleasure, whatever that meant.
Sorry for the long rant. It still hurts a lot.
I have come a LONG LONG WAY, thanks to an incredible counselor. I still have a MAJOR problem with feeling the sensation of touch with my hands and fingers especially. When he touches me I have to force myself to "enjoy" it knowing that he enjoys it. Sometimes it is OK, but the other day, I wanted to scream and scream. My problem with touch goes both ways also. When I touch him both sexually and non-sexually, there is a numbness in my feelings that I can't describe. I know that his skin is warm and that's about all. It's like I have on gloves or something. Sometimes there is the ice water awful feeling. Sometimes I feel the fear start and make me weak kneed and scared. I don't want for him to see my face when we are having sex and when he touches me standing behind me, then that is more OK.
Does anyone else experience this? I know that it's not normal but I don't know anything else. Can anyone here give me some direction?
I feel like such an incomplete and incompetent person.
That was so very brave of you to post your story. I get how hard that can be. I was shaking the first time I posted about some aspects of abuse in my past. I have a *huge* amount of respect for you.
The fragmented memories and what I think of as the memories on my skin can be deeply disturbing. I'm so glad you're working with a good counselor.
Can anyone here give me some direction?
Well, not direction per se regarding your experiences, but for some survivors, sharing their stories (often with other survivors) to the extent they feel comfortable doing so is a step in the right direction. You've just done that. I hope you're at least just a tiny bit proud of yourself. You are so far from being an incomplete and incompetent person.
And please, please, please know that you did nothing to cause your H's infidelities. I know that can be difficult to absorb. But it's true.
I know that my H's affairs are not about me. However, when he said that I couldn't and didn't respond, we both knew that he had spoken the truth. [I was able to "respond" with mb just not with him. He had no idea that i could and was doing that]. At the time I believed that my inadequacies were a valid reason for his affair.I didn't realize at the time that there was any connection between my hazy childhood memories and my "inability" to respond.
I don't have much information for you in terms of "response" except to say that your response makes a lot of sense to me. It's not the same for me, but there are so many complicated ways the brain responds to trauma. I hope you don't blame yourself too much for this.
I have a couple of questions for you - hope you don't mind me asking. When was your dday? Did your H know about your history of abuse when he had the affairs?
Sending warm thoughts.
I am so sorry that you were traumatized. It really strips away any protection you might have had and anyone can have at you. That is awful. When we got married,my H knew that I thought that I had possibly been abused as a child. At that point I wasn't even sure myself.
I have finally posted my story on my profile after this long time of looking and lurking. The story is way too long but that's the only way I can tell it. So you can see my whole story on my profile.
You asked about dates of dday. This may be hard to believe.
Dday #1 May 1978. Yes, that's right, May 1978. 31 years ago. Learned about one affair-some rotten crotch barmaid. It lasted several months and he had a three week affair three years before that with some drunken woman he found in a bar.
Dday #2 May 20, 2005 Seems that he left out the handjob ONS he had before leaving for Europe. Seems that he left out the ONS he had in Greece while we were in Europe. Seems that he left out the ONS he had in Tel Aviv.
Dday #3 May 21, 2005 Oh yeah he failed to mention the blowjob he got from a street whore while TDY in Europe. Oh and he failed to mention the whore he visited while I was back in the States.
Dday #4 December 2005 He forgot to mention that Miss Three Weeker had contacted him when we got to this base and wanted to start up sigh him again. He told her very emphatically no and told her never to contact him again. Iím glad, but he never told me any of this until 2005.
It broke my heart a little to hear that your H knew of the possibility of abuse in your past when he embarked on the affairs. I've had more than a few moments of resentment that my partner knew a few things about my past and that he cheated, lied, etc. for so long (nothing like 27 years though). That was a big deal for me.
After the last dday (nearly a year ago) I had nearly two months of sort of triggering back to events of the past. It was horrible and both real and unreal. That's when I started IC for the first time. My IC has been amazing; unfortunately my last session with her is next week.
Not sure if you're a big reader or not; there is some good information on recommended reading elsewhere in this thread. I don't recall if this one has been mentioned, but it was enlightening to me: "Trauma and Recovery" by Judith Herman. A more recently published book with excellent reviews (which I haven't read yet but plan to) is "Healing Sex, A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma" by Staci Haines.
I am a voracious reader and I appreciate your suggestions. I will try those books-I want to get through this just like we all do.
Abusers should be strung up by their balls and then told "I am sure getting a lot of enjoyment out of this. And I know you like it; you asked me to do this. " That's what I heard so many years ago.
I may need to edit my story. It isn't that my H has cheated for 27 years. His first affair (Miss Hand Job ONS) was in 1972 and he immediately ended his affair with Miss RC Barmaid when I found out in 1978. It's just that I only found out about the other 5 affairs in May 2005. And then the trickle trickle trickle for the rest of that year. Just because it happened so many years ago doesn't make it any less new. He was lying by omission which is still devastating.
I have got to stop these long posts.
I never thought I would be able to have any support in this whole abuse thing. After all these years it is incredible. Thank you taking the time to read all this.
Years ago, I worked in a group home for severely developmentally disabled adults. At the time , I found it insulting, and still do, that women were allowed to be on the "alone" shift late at night but men were not. Given my experience, I found it amazing that they assumed that women would not ever abuse anyone but operated under the assumption that men would. One of the male residents happened to have an amazingly large penis, and my girlfiemd at the time, who worked their also, said that some of the female workers there had made statements such as " what a shame that he is retarded" and things like that. Is someone like that to be trusted in a situation like that because of their gender? Give me a break! I never thought about sex with any of the people there. The thought disgusted me! Yet, I was automatically suspected as a male, and others are automatically trusted as a female.