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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, April 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could it be repressed memory? That sounds like something very important to see a professional about.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
GreenEyedMe
♀ Member
Member # 21452
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, April 4th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will not be able to post here anymore.
X is trying to get full custody of our child and is using posts I made on another web forum as evidence against me. My username is different here and I don't think he can track it to me, but I can't take the chance.

If he does track me down here I cannot hide that I have posted in this forum (no way to delete posts, I checked with a mod) but I have taken out any content that is identifying in any way.

My privacy is violated and I hate that he has taken this away from me too.


Me - BS
Divorced

Posts: 109 | Registered: Oct 2008
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, April 5th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gem, i am so sorry.

i am thinking about trying once again to make myself talk to ic...

maybe i'll be successful this time at actually going through with it...


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, April 17th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gem, if you are still here, and can post, are you doing okay?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
lookg4answrs
♀ New Member
Member # 23851
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, May 4th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope that someone on here can help me find the answers that I need. It was over 2 weeks ago that I found out my WH's A. During the initial confrontation he tells me that he was SAb by a babysit/family friend for 4 years when he was 6 years old. I am trying to deal with the betrayal since the A lasted for 3 years. What I was wondering if anyone can help me with is, he tries to tell me that it really wasn't him when he was with her. He tells me that he was having a "out of body" experience since he loved me and our family. He says that there are blanks in time when he was with the OW that he does not remember too. Is that normal? Is that part of his having suppressed the SAb for so long? I have been in contact with the OW and the stories she tells me and what WH tells me conflict too much for me to believe either one of them. From what I can piece together it was like WH was living a 2nd life with her.

I know I am rambling but there s so much I am uncovering that my head is so twisted. I hope that someone can help me resolve some of my questions. TY


Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2009
Maia
♀ Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, May 4th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi look.

okay, first of all, a foggy WS is going to say a lot of things that will not make sense. I'd advise you to read a lot here. A lot. Read as much as you can. And if you think there is a lie, then trust your gut.

not saying he is not an SA survivor, not saying he isn't telling the truth. you do not know. We do not know.

I'm saying trust your instincts. you have to.

and as a survivor myself? I'll tell you there is no excuse for adultery. none. it does give you a reason... a reason for the behavior, helps you to see why and what the person was doing...but it does not EXCUSE it. There is no EXCUSE.

and do not let anyone tell you otherwise.

blessings.

M


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
lookg4answrs
♀ New Member
Member # 23851
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, May 5th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Maia

I have read a lot of posts on this site. I am still reading more to learn more. What everyone has been sharing on here has helped me tremendously to try and understand. I guess what I am trying hard to understand is how you can not remember things that you are doing. The only times he remembers something is if I ask him point blank questions about certain gifts he has given her or the emails that I have proof on hand. Other then that he tells me general information. We have a MC appointment today, but I think I need to seek IC so that I don't stink any deeper into this abyss I feel like I am in.


Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2009
Maia
♀ Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, May 5th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeah, to me he sounds like he is trying to dodge, justify, and lie still. it is part of the process. not a good part.

call him on his crap. Trust but verify. And trust your instincts.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
lookg4answrs
♀ New Member
Member # 23851
Default  Posted: 2:59 AM, May 6th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your responses. Like you told me, I am trusting my instinct and still looking into the lies. The more I found out the worse I am feeling.I feel like I am looking at a complete stranger. WH is telling me that the A was all about control he had to have over the OW. The MC session today did not seem to go well since I have been so miserable (even more so then usual). We argued more then communicate. The doctor felt that at this point we needed to decide on IC for WH due to the responses that we were apparently giving him. Does this get any better in time? Does the pain lessen at least to a numb feeling eventually?

Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2009
mel88
♀ Member
Member # 18862
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, May 6th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there lookg. Welcome to SI. I'm so sorry you have been so miserable. It seems to be a horrible but inherent part of the whole deal.

IC for your WH would probably be a good idea, regardless of his abuse issues.

I'm glad you're considering IC for yourself. It's been incredibly helpful for me as a BS. It's tempting sometimes to try really hard to figure out your WS mentality and issues, but I've figured out over time (took me a while) that it's much more helpful to focus on myself.

This forum can be a bit slow sometimes; this is actually the first time I've posted here myself. For a while I didn't think I qualified to post here. There's quite a bit more traffic in the General forum - lots of people will extend support to you. Maia's words were spot on, though; I always read what she writes (even though she doesn't know it).

And yes, it does get better with time.


"tous dans le jeu, yo. tous dans le jeu."
-Omar

Posts: 581 | Registered: Mar 2008
lookg4answrs
♀ New Member
Member # 23851
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, May 7th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi me, thanks for the support. Everything that has been posted on here helps. I was hesitant at first to post on here but from what I have read both on this board and have the general board has shown me how great everyone is. I don't feel so alone in all this. I feel I can get through another day.

Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2009
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, May 7th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey lookg, glad you did find this place. It is a great refuge and a wonderful source.

First off, Maia is on the track here. Weither or not he is Sab, it sounds like he is using it as a shield. My gut impression is that he is playing the game. I wonder if he is NC or not. How are all of his other actions?

It does get easier as time passes. It is so much easier when you have a remorsful WS helping the process.

I agree that IC mould be helpful for you also. There is so much going on in the trauma dept and the emotional explosions happening to you. It can help you sort out how your doing and to try and allow you to find a better path for you.

If your WH is not a part of helping this matter finds a resolution, then you need to help yourself on to that path.

Sending thoughts and prayers

(((((lookg4answers)))))


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
2Hurt4Words
♀ Member
Member # 17135
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, May 8th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sitting here with my heart pounding and have broken out in a panicky sweat. This is so hard to post. I have never written about this before. This has the potential for being way too long.

I have some wispy misty memories of being abused on more than one occasion when I was very small. l remember my mother sitting me down and telling me not to ever do that again. I think there were other occasions with other males, but again, they too are only fragments.

My H had an A-actually there were 7 OW. On D-Day he said he had the affair because I couldn't respond, I didn't respond and so I had left him no choice. A counselor said that no, he had a choice, and it was not a good one. I don't think he believed that, and I certainly didn't, because at some level, I knew my H was right. I didn't respond, I couldn't respond because so often when he touched me, I felt ice water through my veins and like I was frozen.It was a horrible icky feeling of revulsion that often I just endured it so he could get off. That's what made me happy, that he have a good time. Sex was never about pleasure for me at all and I was so OK with that. I never felt deprived or resentful. I got what I wanted-for him to be satisfied. I had no concept of what it meant to fully participate in having sex. That was reason #2 for his having an affair, it was what she let him do to her that I wouldn't let him do. WTF?? He could do anything he wanted. The only thing he never got was my pleasure, whatever that meant.

Sorry for the long rant. It still hurts a lot.

I have come a LONG LONG WAY, thanks to an incredible counselor. I still have a MAJOR problem with feeling the sensation of touch with my hands and fingers especially. When he touches me I have to force myself to "enjoy" it knowing that he enjoys it. Sometimes it is OK, but the other day, I wanted to scream and scream. My problem with touch goes both ways also. When I touch him both sexually and non-sexually, there is a numbness in my feelings that I can't describe. I know that his skin is warm and that's about all. It's like I have on gloves or something. Sometimes there is the ice water awful feeling. Sometimes I feel the fear start and make me weak kneed and scared. I don't want for him to see my face when we are having sex and when he touches me standing behind me, then that is more OK.
Does anyone else experience this? I know that it's not normal but I don't know anything else. Can anyone here give me some direction?
I feel like such an incomplete and incompetent person.


Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Texas
mel88
♀ Member
Member # 18862
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, May 8th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2Hurt4Words:

That was so very brave of you to post your story. I get how hard that can be. I was shaking the first time I posted about some aspects of abuse in my past. I have a *huge* amount of respect for you.

The fragmented memories and what I think of as the memories on my skin can be deeply disturbing. I'm so glad you're working with a good counselor.

Can anyone here give me some direction?

Well, not direction per se regarding your experiences, but for some survivors, sharing their stories (often with other survivors) to the extent they feel comfortable doing so is a step in the right direction. You've just done that. I hope you're at least just a tiny bit proud of yourself. You are so far from being an incomplete and incompetent person.

And please, please, please know that you did nothing to cause your H's infidelities. I know that can be difficult to absorb. But it's true.

((((((((((2Hurt4Words))))))))))


"tous dans le jeu, yo. tous dans le jeu."
-Omar

Posts: 581 | Registered: Mar 2008
2Hurt4Words
♀ Member
Member # 17135
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, May 8th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, me188. This is a lot harder than i thought. I can't remember much and often wonder if I'm just making all this up. My mother used to tell me"Don't tell 'stories' [i.e., make up stuff]-it's not nice." So maybe I'm just not nice and make stuff up. Why I would do that i have no clue.

I know that my H's affairs are not about me. However, when he said that I couldn't and didn't respond, we both knew that he had spoken the truth. [I was able to "respond" with mb just not with him. He had no idea that i could and was doing that]. At the time I believed that my inadequacies were a valid reason for his affair.I didn't realize at the time that there was any connection between my hazy childhood memories and my "inability" to respond.


Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Texas
mel88
♀ Member
Member # 18862
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, May 8th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, 2Hurt4Words, I for one don't think you're making anything up. Your experiences are real. I've struggled with that too, though. When I told my IC a few months ago about my experiences I was fully expecting to be met with disbelief. I've been met with disbelief in the past, so for some reason it seems natural to wonder if these things even happened (for me, human trafficking as a teen). Couple that with distorted, fragmented, hazy, or sometimes absent memories, and the whole thing can seem unreal. It's somewhat common among sexual abuse survivors from what I've read (and other trauma survivors as well).

I don't have much information for you in terms of "response" except to say that your response makes a lot of sense to me. It's not the same for me, but there are so many complicated ways the brain responds to trauma. I hope you don't blame yourself too much for this.

I have a couple of questions for you - hope you don't mind me asking. When was your dday? Did your H know about your history of abuse when he had the affairs?

Sending warm thoughts.


"tous dans le jeu, yo. tous dans le jeu."
-Omar

Posts: 581 | Registered: Mar 2008
2Hurt4Words
♀ Member
Member # 17135
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, May 9th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mel88-
Thanks for the words about disbelief. I also was met with disbelief and a dismissive attitude. When you are little you believe what other people tell you and eventually learn to doubt what you see, hear and feel and so you have to depend others to tell you those things.

I am so sorry that you were traumatized. It really strips away any protection you might have had and anyone can have at you. That is awful. When we got married,my H knew that I thought that I had possibly been abused as a child. At that point I wasn't even sure myself.

I have finally posted my story on my profile after this long time of looking and lurking. The story is way too long but that's the only way I can tell it. So you can see my whole story on my profile.

You asked about dates of dday. This may be hard to believe.

Dday #1 May 1978. Yes, that's right, May 1978. 31 years ago. Learned about one affair-some rotten crotch barmaid. It lasted several months and he had a three week affair three years before that with some drunken woman he found in a bar.

Dday #2 May 20, 2005 Seems that he left out the handjob ONS he had before leaving for Europe. Seems that he left out the ONS he had in Greece while we were in Europe. Seems that he left out the ONS he had in Tel Aviv.

Dday #3 May 21, 2005 Oh yeah he failed to mention the blowjob he got from a street whore while TDY in Europe. Oh and he failed to mention the whore he visited while I was back in the States.

Dday #4 December 2005 He forgot to mention that Miss Three Weeker had contacted him when we got to this base and wanted to start up sigh him again. He told her very emphatically no and told her never to contact him again. Iím glad, but he never told me any of this until 2005.



Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Texas
mel88
♀ Member
Member # 18862
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, May 12th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow 2Hurt4Words, thank you for posting on your profile. You've had quite a journey.

It broke my heart a little to hear that your H knew of the possibility of abuse in your past when he embarked on the affairs. I've had more than a few moments of resentment that my partner knew a few things about my past and that he cheated, lied, etc. for so long (nothing like 27 years though). That was a big deal for me.

After the last dday (nearly a year ago) I had nearly two months of sort of triggering back to events of the past. It was horrible and both real and unreal. That's when I started IC for the first time. My IC has been amazing; unfortunately my last session with her is next week.

Not sure if you're a big reader or not; there is some good information on recommended reading elsewhere in this thread. I don't recall if this one has been mentioned, but it was enlightening to me: "Trauma and Recovery" by Judith Herman. A more recently published book with excellent reviews (which I haven't read yet but plan to) is "Healing Sex, A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma" by Staci Haines.


"tous dans le jeu, yo. tous dans le jeu."
-Omar

Posts: 581 | Registered: Mar 2008
2Hurt4Words
♀ Member
Member # 17135
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, May 13th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mel88--The whole trigger thing is weird, isn't it? Like you said, both real and unreal. Your intellect tells you one thing but your body says another. Evidently I go with the body thing since I numb out at my husband's touch. Don't you just wish you could say oh that was in the past and now is now? My MC is trying to get me grounded in the present and it is really hard. Those flashbacks and triggers don't seem to understand "in the present". It really is like PTSD-I just wish the trauma would stop "reoccurring". I am so sorry that you are continuing to trigger and that you last IC appt is coming up. It is so great when your counselor is wonderful.

I am a voracious reader and I appreciate your suggestions. I will try those books-I want to get through this just like we all do.

Abusers should be strung up by their balls and then told "I am sure getting a lot of enjoyment out of this. And I know you like it; you asked me to do this. " That's what I heard so many years ago.

I may need to edit my story. It isn't that my H has cheated for 27 years. His first affair (Miss Hand Job ONS) was in 1972 and he immediately ended his affair with Miss RC Barmaid when I found out in 1978. It's just that I only found out about the other 5 affairs in May 2005. And then the trickle trickle trickle for the rest of that year. Just because it happened so many years ago doesn't make it any less new. He was lying by omission which is still devastating.

I have got to stop these long posts.

I never thought I would be able to have any support in this whole abuse thing. After all these years it is incredible. Thank you taking the time to read all this.


Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Texas
Weightless
♂ Member
Member # 20799
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, May 13th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what if the abuser doesn't have balls? What if they have a vagina? What if they were/ are your sister? What if you actually enjoyed the "abuse," and never realized it had affected your relationships with women until your wife had an affair and then you confessed all about the many women you had slept with during your marriage? That's where I am . My FWW is similar to me in some ways that she has seen opposite sex attention as validating, but is unwilling to work on it, and actually uses the knowledge of my SA as an excuse. She says that's why I'm so "focused" on sex. Meanwhile , what I want to focus on about sex is sex with her, not others. That's a huge step for me but she doesn't seem to be able to take it with me.

Years ago, I worked in a group home for severely developmentally disabled adults. At the time , I found it insulting, and still do, that women were allowed to be on the "alone" shift late at night but men were not. Given my experience, I found it amazing that they assumed that women would not ever abuse anyone but operated under the assumption that men would. One of the male residents happened to have an amazingly large penis, and my girlfiemd at the time, who worked their also, said that some of the female workers there had made statements such as " what a shame that he is retarded" and things like that. Is someone like that to be trusted in a situation like that because of their gender? Give me a break! I never thought about sex with any of the people there. The thought disgusted me! Yet, I was automatically suspected as a male, and others are automatically trusted as a female.



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