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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's
2Hurt4Words
♀ Member
Member # 17135
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, May 13th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weightless-
I didn't mean to imply that men are the only abusers. I am very aware that females are capable of abuse also. My abusive experiences, what I can remember anyway, are with only with men. I, like you, "liked" the abuse. It felt good. But the accompanying shame, guilt and confusion have definitely hamstrung my relationship with men. When you are told, "You like being bad, don't you," (I can still hear one of these men saying that), then you associate the pleasurable feelings with being bad. Little girls aren't supposed to be bad. So those feelings of being "bad" had no place in a marital relationship. The abuse also hurt. (Even though it felt good) So I have shied away from male touch as long as I can remember. Well of course I "couldn't respond, didn't respond". I thought I wasn't supposed to. It was bad.I also associated that kind of touch with pain, so I numbed out. And so he went out and found someone (actually many someones) to respond to his "gift of lovemaking." As our MC put it, he "made a poor choice" to solve his problems with validation and attention. Too bad I paid for his poor choices.
I also have associated my own sexual pleasure with aggression, punishment and pain. That doesn't fit into a marital relationship either. I don't want someone aggressive or who will cause me pain. (Even though that was what floated my boat. This is so awful and shameful.)

This ends up being so confusing and terrifying. What if I'm always like this? As we know,there are always "someones" out there for the taking. I can't take this again.

I also think it is amazing that women are automatically trusted to be alone with people while vice versa is totally unacceptable. Women can be just as predatory as males.


Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Texas
lookg4answrs
♀ New Member
Member # 23851
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, May 16th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Hurts for your kind words and support. I have been to IC a few times now and it seems to help me put a better perspective on things. My WH still maintains that he does not remember a lot but he says that he is trying. I gave him an ultimatum last Saturday that I hope he takes to heart. He has been hiding his cellphone records with excuse after excuse. He has now shut down the cellphones saying that he received a fraud alert from the cellphone company. I told him he is to give me the cellphone records or we are done. I gave him 2 weeks and a week has gone by now. I don't want to have to leave.

Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2009
onedumbman
♂ Member
Member # 24029
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, May 16th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a husband of a wife that was sab by her father. Are there any books that can help me being a spouce of a sab survivor. She won't seek counceling, I've tried over the years to get her to. She doesn't see that the SAB controls her in our marriage. She has had two affairs on me. We are now seperated. I've tried to find resources for years on how to help her, react to her, love her, and I've found nothing so far. Any, and I mean ANY help would be good. Desperately seeking help here.


How smart I am:)
M: 21yrs
Me: 42
2 Children
1 Boy 18, 1 Girl 17
Divorcing

Posts: 161 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Ohio
lookg4answrs
♀ New Member
Member # 23851
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, May 17th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome ODM

I am pretty new here too but what everyone has told me is to read the healing library that greatly helps. I have ordered some of the books that are being recommended on here too. Also I have been to IC and that helps me to cope with my situation. Good luck


Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2009
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, May 18th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ODM,

The Sexual Healing Journey, Courage to Heal and Allies in Healing are all good.

But, I don't see how you can make your W want to heal herself, especially if you're separated.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
2Hurt4Words
♀ Member
Member # 17135
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, May 18th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Onedumbman-

About your wife’s sab-obviously that your remote to Iraq plays into her abandonment issues, but who knows how much. She couldn’t count on her father, and then in her mind, you let her down too. I know she is probably terrified to relate her sab to anyone else, including a counselor. I know I was. The guilt, the shame, the confusion are major players here. You don’t want to have to deal with it again (even though in reality you are dealing with it, just not at a conscious level.) However, as others have said, you can’t make her go to MC or IC. All you can do is find out some information and go from there. Tell her that you are reading up on sab. It might help you and at least she would know that you are trying to relate to her.

You said it controls her in your marriage. How does that play out? Does she agree that it might at least contribute in part?

(Sent you a PM dealing with military marriages.)


Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Texas
onedumbman
♂ Member
Member # 24029
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, May 19th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She doesn't agree to anything, she thinks she needs very little counceling for this problem and that it doesn't affect the family. She doesn't see the compartmentalization that goes on, she compartmentalizes everything, friends, family, feelings, me, her family, my family and none of them can mix either. She doesn't recognize the sexual issues as being a part of problems with her SAB. Or the lying, cheating parts either...Nope, Its ALL me, all the time. She rationalizes that I was never a good enough husband for her, that she married me to get away from her father...Ugh!!! That she might not have actually loved me from the beginning ARGGGHHH!!! She forgets how deeply we were in love the first four year of our marriage and much of the time after that. That and she constantly lies to herself and her friends, just like her father. Her father is a huge liar, always has been, and now she is just like him, he owns up to NOTHING, just like her...it's everyone elses fault with EVERYTHING. Almost a complete and utter refusal to accept any blame at all. And when I even try to talk to her about it, she clams up, silent treatment, and her f' ing IC isn't helping either. She goes to IC for God knows what, but I do know that all this BS started when she started going to this particular councelor. That's when she first said, you know what, you were never a good father, or a good husband. What a quack her IC is, and I can't stop her from seeing the IC either, or I'll be blamed for being off my rocker, which I'm not, but sometimes I'm close :). I'll admit, there were problems in our marriage, just like any marriage. I could never figure out her love language (I never had the book either), you would figure after 21 years I would have figured out something by now. I finally DID figure it out, sorry, I'm a slow learner! She doesn't own her shit, and she doesn't believe there is anything wrong with her. There are times now when I wish, I just wish the Kharma Bus would just come on rolling by, cause I'll slyly step out of the way and let it hit her full force.


How smart I am:)
M: 21yrs
Me: 42
2 Children
1 Boy 18, 1 Girl 17
Divorcing

Posts: 161 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Ohio
sofresh
♀ Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, May 20th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Wh was sodomised by an older boy (5-8) years from age 7-14.
He reads the books (Not Just Friends" and can totally identify.

What kills me now is that he keeps trying to R but fails after 3-4 days...each time he puts more effort in, but still gives up. Says the guilt and remorse he feels is too much to face me everyday. It's not even that I express my pain, it's that he sees me and hates himself for what he did.

Now after 4 false Rs he says he needs to be alone. Says he told OW same. But if he's in C with her how can this really work. (not really a question)

I'm just wondering if this sort of self-esteem/self-confidence issue is common for Sab's.


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, May 20th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ODM, My ex w is an SAB. She refused to go to counseling like yours. She does not see it as a problem like yours. I had to give up. SAB issues don't clear themselves up. She needs to go to IC about the SAB issues.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
sofresh
♀ Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, May 20th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH says he knows he needs IC and is FINALLY wiling to go.

He thinks it will help him make him stronger and make his choice easier.
In the mean time I am Legally S-ing

[This message edited by sofresh at 1:11 PM, May 20th (Wednesday)]


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
Top Jimmy
♂ Member
Member # 20566
Default  Posted: 2:27 AM, June 4th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, guys.

I tried the "sexual refusal" thread, but more extensive reading and some advice made me realize that my WW's SAB issues are the root cause of her affair and her difficulties with sex with me now.

She is gradually coming around to the fact that if she wants to stay in R with me she has to get some IC.

My wife's first boyfriend was a Greek man 10 years her senior who date-raped her. She dated him for a year after that!

She was raped in a park by two unrelated assailants (older, middle-eastern men) while she was studying abroad 20 years ago.
She had oral sex with some Greek guy she met online once.
And her 5 year LTA was a middle-eastern man 17 years her senior who was not very kind.
I think her dad or uncle abused her before that but she doesn't remember. She can't recall much of her childhood.

I know all this has a real impact on her self-esteem and how she reacts to the world.
It is terrible and troubling and wrong, but she needs help.

She's also bipolar. Believe me, if we didn't have kids I would have (painfully) washed my hands of this relationship even though I love her so much.

I just can't live in a sexless marriage and that is what she is able to give right now.
I am beginning to wonder what life is like without this albatross.

Do people really have normal sex lives?!?!?!?!


[This message edited by Top Jimmy at 2:51 AM, June 4th (Thursday)]


Me: BS 42
Her: WS 43
Kids: 11. 14
A-Day: 4/1/03?
D-Day: 8/8/08
D-Day, the sequel: 10/20/08
D-Day 3-D!!!! this is getting old, quick... 4/10

Posts: 231 | Registered: Aug 2008
futureseemsbleak
♀ Member
Member # 16642
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, June 17th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After years and years of inappropriate behavior by my WS, I know something is dreadfully amiss in him.

No truth, nothing. I do believe WS may have SAB issues due to the way he objectifies women, just about all women. And do see that he seeks praise and admiration from all kinds. This behavior is so very uncomfortable for me knowing people do notice these traits and how abnormal they are.

Always wonder if he realizes, although he did confess of abuse when younger, but was under the influence of drugs. A former counselor told me that sometimes they do spill some truth when drugs are present. I finally realize that the drugs were merely a pain reliever for WS's internal pain.

I know now from all my friends on SI that there will be no peace in our M until he acknowledges why he has fears within him that he projects onto his family with criticisms and anger making all of us feel betrayed.

I have learned to recognize his pain in a non-blaming and non-angry way. It keeps peace while avoiding conflict and reality with no consequences, a catch 22 that seems unsolvable at this moment.

We have been s'd for months and I have had the opportunity to work on me. I do feel stronger most days, but the days I don't I slap myself back to reality to be in my world and not his.

A long hard journey to establish something we all want, only we have to be willing to make all the sacrifices.


Posts: 227 | Registered: Oct 2007
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is something that is so hard to admit, so hard to deal with.

i am 39 and haven't dealt with it yet. i am functioning well in life right now, and don't want to rock the boat.

but i have to deal with it someday.

it's just too hard right now since i am trying to deal with the affair.

no real question here, just needed to say that.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
tputer
♂ Member
Member # 11353
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((its)))) I know how tough this can be to confront. I've seen JP struggle with it for 25 years.


Me FBH/WS: 48
FWW/BW (JP12861): 48
Married 25 years
Kids: 2 DD's 24, 20
My DDay: 7/16/06
Hers: 4/5/10

Posts: 20518 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: San Diego Area
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks, t. i'm just trying to figure out if i'm ready to delve into that yet. i feel like maybe i need to be further along in r with mr. its first so i can be stronger. i don't know. i'll figure it out i guess.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
tputer
♂ Member
Member # 11353
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you definitely need to prioritize its. R is so difficult even when given full attention. But at some point, you really do owe it to yourself to see a qualified IC about this. It's just not possible to be the person you were meant to be while carrying such a heavy burden.

[This message edited by tputer at 1:47 PM, June 22nd (Monday)]


Me FBH/WS: 48
FWW/BW (JP12861): 48
Married 25 years
Kids: 2 DD's 24, 20
My DDay: 7/16/06
Hers: 4/5/10

Posts: 20518 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: San Diego Area
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks again, t. i know i have to see ic about this. maybe just not yet. i don't know, yet. i do know it is starting to come to mind more frequently, and i don't know if that is because of what i'm dealing with with the a and r, or if it's just time to deal with it.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
mel88
♀ Member
Member # 18862
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((its)))))

There is no one way to "deal with it." If a way is suggested by a book, friend, or IC and it doesn't sit right with you, that may not be the right way for you.

I was terrified to even start seeing an IC; I had the notion that I would be pressured to relive past traumas/abuses in narrative form. It hasn't been like that at all. It seems to be pretty controversial at the moment that the best way to heal is to deliver a coherent story of the past. It's right for some, but not for all.

I'm really liking the idea that each survivor has the deep ability to know what will help to "heal" (or whatever word you'd like to insert). Trust yourself.


"tous dans le jeu, yo. tous dans le jeu."
-Omar

Posts: 583 | Registered: Mar 2008
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks, mel. like you, i am scared to even go to ic for it.

i will deal with it when i am read i guess.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well, the lid is definitely off the box.

and i can't seem to get it back on.

so i guess it's time.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
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