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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i'm sick to my stomach right now.

i am reading journals i wrote when i was a teenager.

some of the stuff i remember, some i do not.

then i came across this:

"sometimes i wish i could tell someone about the times i was molested by the guy down the street"

i obviously wrote this. and i obviously remembered it at the time.

i have no memory of it now. i have memories of others, one time events, but no memory of this.

does anyone out there have any experience with repressed memories? i've never been completely sure i believe in them until now.

i don't think i want to remember anymore.

tomorrow i have to call my c.

omg omg omg


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Sarahsmiles
♀ Member
Member # 17804
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((its))))) there is a hug for you. I was afraid this was going to happen after talking to you today. I am so sorry.

You have no idea what you did for me today. I wish I knew how to help you. We will get through this , I promise .

We have survived so much and we can survive this also.

I'll be up for a little while if you need to talk

Sarah


Divorced and living my life with a smile

Posts: 148 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Alabama
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks, sarah.

don't be sorry. this has been coming on for a while. i've been avoiding it, but it is persistent. it's time. i have decided to get it all out and dealt with. i don't want to go along, feeling "healthy" and then fall again. might as well deal with all the pain of everything now.

i'm so glad i helped you today. you helped me, too. you really did. i need to stop stuffing and deal with this.

[This message edited by itspjw at 2:37 PM, June 26th (Friday)]


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i just called and left a message for my c. it wasn't as hard as i thought it would be. now i just have to wait for him to call back!


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
tputer
♂ Member
Member # 11353
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can do this!!!!

((((its))))


Me FBH/WS: 48
FWW/BW (JP12861): 48
Married 25 years
Kids: 2 DD's 24, 20
My DDay: 7/16/06
Hers: 4/5/10

Posts: 20518 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: San Diego Area
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((its)))

repression...compartmentalization....I have experience in those arenas.

Remember, my dear, remember this...

Though the memories that may arise have been shut away, and feel new...

They are memories of things in the past...long ago...

That person cannot hurt you now.

Those things will not happen again.

You ARE healing.
You ARE healed.
You ARE releasing yourself from things you no longer need to hold onto.

You are loved.
HT


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks, t and ht.

i am still waiting for c to call back.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3:00 on tuesday.

why do i so not want to do this?

i have to.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mr. its will be home soon.

i have to tell him i am going.

and why.

he knows, and he will be supportive.

but i just don't know how to say it out loud.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
tputer
♂ Member
Member # 11353
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you its. The first step is the hardest. I know it's scary, but this really is the best gift you could ever give yourself.

(((its)))


Me FBH/WS: 48
FWW/BW (JP12861): 48
Married 25 years
Kids: 2 DD's 24, 20
My DDay: 7/16/06
Hers: 4/5/10

Posts: 20518 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: San Diego Area
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks, t.

why am i so afraid to do this?

i feel like i shouldn't be.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he's home.

but i haven't told him yet.

i will do this tonight, before dd gets home.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
cani4give
♂ Member
Member # 19601
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

itspjw, please keep us posted and let us know how it works out. Hugs to you!

[This message edited by cani4give at 7:04 PM, July 6th (Monday)]


BH: Me
FWW: Her
2 amazing children

Posts: 615 | Registered: May 2008
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i'm still trying to say it.

he just went to pick up dd.

so, i guess i didn't tell him before she gets home.

i don't know why it's so hard for me to tell him. he knows about what happened. well, some of it anyway. and he has suggested before i talk to c about it. when he did i changed the subject and he didn't push it.

i will tell him. i will.

i just don't understand why it is so hard.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Sarahsmiles
♀ Member
Member # 17804
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, June 27th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The hardest thing for me was to admit to myself that these things that happened to me were causing the majority of my issues.

Hard to admit I couldn't handle it by myself.

When I go to IC on Monday I will know I will one step closer to healing.

You can do it!

Sarah


Divorced and living my life with a smile

Posts: 148 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Alabama
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:38 AM, June 27th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hard to admit I couldn't handle it by myself.

yep. i guess that's me, too.

i have to, though, don't i?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Sarahsmiles
♀ Member
Member # 17804
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, June 27th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its, I had convinced my self that what happened didn't change who I was. I was and am for the most part a functioning adult.

Then I started realizing that maybe some issues I have , ie abandonment and lack of trust , had to have come from what happened when I was growing up.

Even then I thought I could handle it own my own. I'm a fixer and for some reason I thought I could fix this.

Then there was the huge trigger I told you about the other day. All the anger and sadness just exploded in me.

I told you my therapist has been my rick for many years now . He says that the actual physical abuse has affected me, although right now all I can feel are the results of no one helping me after I told my mother. I'm going to trust him on this, and I know it will show itself soon enough. He has never been wrong about the next thing that's going to happen.

I'm just stubborn as hell I guess. When nobody "fixed" the problem when I was 8, I just grew up solving and fixing my problems myself. I have always hated asking anyone for anything . Just easier to do it myself and really I thought it was one of my good character traits. But, this is too big to handle myself.

My therapist picked up on this part of me years ago. So he has always approached me in ways that I thought I was doing it myself.

When I went in last week and just cried and begged for help he was as shocked as I was that I admitted it was something I could not do by myself.

We are going to get through this. Our lives and relationships will be bettter. All of us here have proven our strength through surviving infidelity and we will make it through this too


Divorced and living my life with a smile

Posts: 148 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Alabama
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, June 27th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i told him. he was great, just like i knew he would be.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
mel88
♀ Member
Member # 18862
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, June 27th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((itspjw)))))
That's great.


"tous dans le jeu, yo. tous dans le jeu."
-Omar

Posts: 578 | Registered: Mar 2008
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so, my appt is tomorrow at 3.

right now i am working on writing something to take with me because i don't know if i can get through saying it out loud. this will also get my thoughts together so i will know what i want to say if i can say it out loud.

no question here, really, just wanted to share with people i know understand.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
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