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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 2:05 AM, July 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey its, I just got back in, I am so glad your able to find the strength for all of this, just sending a thought and prayer your way. tough times, but hope it finds a more peaceful path for you.


Infinity, hey welcome, keep coming by, lots of understanding in here. Welcome


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, July 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks, hurts.

I am getting through this. Not sure how, but I am.

Today is my 20th anniversary-and the first one since dday, so that is also playing into my emotions.

why does life have to be so hard?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, July 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This totally sucks.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, July 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yep.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Infinity
♀ Member
Member # 5330
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, July 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((itspjw)))

I've been reading a bit on this thread. You are doing a tremendous amount of work right now - no wonder it's painful. Hang in there. It's amazing what we have the strength to get through...


"When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"

Posts: 267 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Canada
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, July 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Infinity.

Yeah, it's hard, and it hurts, but I need to do it. I will get through it.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, August 4th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

okay, so, apparently the foo issues are affecting my brother and sil, too.

she called me tonight, on the advice of her c.

I answered her questions, but i feel like i'm in a tailspin now.

okay, breathing. I will be okay.

right?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, August 4th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It so sucks when nobody in your life understands.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, August 5th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I so hear what your saying. Hang in there, if you can get past the walls, barriers and issues then maybe life will show a better promise.

Just sayin your not unheard.

(((((its)))))


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, August 5th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks, hurts.

Had IC today. It's always very draining, but it's always good, too.

So, even though I scheduled my next IC for two weeks out, instead of one, I may be calling back to change that!

This really sucks.

But, I will make it through, right?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
survivor girl
♀ Member
Member # 21552
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, August 5th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((itspjw))

yes, you will make it. It takes a long time for that inner volcano to dissipate (that's how I felt--that sick, black gut feeling I dubbed volcanic--and yes, I did "erupt").

Do you have that sickening inner feeling also?

I believe it was Stunned Dad who stated that "getting through" this is a process, not an event.

That's great that you feel your sessions are beneficial. Of course they'll be draining, there's so much to process, understand and ultimately accept.

You "sound" like a very strong individual...yes, you will indeed make it through this hell. Hold onto the fact that it is NOW, what happened is in the past...they can't hurt you anymore.

You can pm me anytime if you like. I hesitate to say much about myself as I don't want to t/j.
Just know that you are certainly not alone.


FWW

SAB survivor

"Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win
By fearing to attempt." --Shakespeare

"Just DO it" ---Nike

D-Day March 2006


Posts: 111 | Registered: Nov 2008
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, August 6th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you, survivor girl.

Yes, I have that sickening inner feeling.

Yes, it is definitely a process and not an event. Ugh. I just wish I could be done.

I am feeling pretty good today. I have been using the tools IC gave me and they are helping.

This forum is for everyone struggling with this, so you would not be t/jing by posting whatever you want about yourself.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, August 9th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guess what?

Mind movies don't only come in the the infidelity version.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, August 14th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I have recently found out (because she told me) that my 20 year old niece that moved in with us a couple of months ago for help in getting her bipolar disorder under control, is a sab survivor.

Hers was different than mine, and she has not really started dealing with it yet. But she is going to have to, and I hope for her sake it is sooner rather than later. She is one messed up kid. And I'm one messed up adult! Just the one to be trying to help her, right?

Well, I can't not help her. You can see my post in Off Topic if you care to know more.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
metamorphisis
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, August 16th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guess what?
Mind movies don't only come in the the infidelity version

Nope. In fact the first time I became aware of PTSD was in therapy for childhood sexual abuse. I spent a great deal of time in therapy and worked on it over my twenties. Sadly it all came roaring back after d-day. The startle response, the insomnia, the mind images, the nightmares.. all of it.
I am so sorry to hear your niece is dealing with this as well.
But let it be said to anyone who does not understand.. that is how devastating sexual abuse is.. suicide attempts, substance abuse, revictimizing ourselves, eating disorders, psychiatric disorders.. THAT is the legacy from childhood sexual abuse. That is what is left for the survivor to deal with.
I send nothing but my love and strength to you and your neice its.
I understand. And I wouldn't be up at 2 in the morning afraid to sleep if I didn't understand.

[This message edited by metamorphisis at 1:05 AM, August 16th (Sunday)]



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 42802 | Registered: Sep 2006
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, August 16th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, meta.

The startle response, the insomnia, the mind images, the nightmares

I have all of these.

that is how devastating sexual abuse is.. suicide attempts, substance abuse, revictimizing ourselves, eating disorders, psychiatric disorders.. THAT is the legacy from childhood sexual abuse. That is what is left for the survivor to deal with.

Well said.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
survivor girl
♀ Member
Member # 21552
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, August 17th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The startle response, the insomnia, the mind images, the nightmares

that is how devastating sexual abuse is.. suicide attempts, substance abuse, revictimizing ourselves, eating disorders, psychiatric disorders.. THAT is the legacy from childhood sexual abuse. That is what is left for the survivor to deal with.

yes, very well said.

I think one of the most difficult things for me was to somehow reconcile the fact that my dad was an alcoholic/child molester and a WWII hero-- when sober he was funny, kind and gentle, would read to/with me-- I'd watch the Huntley and Brinkley report with him,
(early 60's), he'd always give me money for whatever new album I wanted---

He also displayed one particular act of cruelty to animals that haunts me to this day. I tear up just thinking about it. I loved him and hated him. We never knew what kind of day it would be.

My older sister (another abuser)was just evil.

I remember the day that I learned there was a word for the act I contemplated---suicide. I was about 7 or 8. I was so excited that yes, there is a name for this....

I started to self injure very young, and have continued on and off over the years. It's how I cope with extreme stress. A combination of self hatred and emotional release.

Somehow I managed to get it together enough to graduate from college (by the skin of my teeth), and have successful careers in social work and teaching.

So we're strong, very strong, we are survivors. I feel a kind of kinship knowing there are others here who have also endured this--thank you for that.

It helps.

Its, how are you doing? how's your niece?
Meta, thank you for your post--you explained it so well.

[This message edited by survivor girl at 12:34 PM, August 17th (Monday)]


FWW

SAB survivor

"Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win
By fearing to attempt." --Shakespeare

"Just DO it" ---Nike

D-Day March 2006


Posts: 111 | Registered: Nov 2008
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, August 17th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SAB is something that must be dealt with. My ex wife is sab. Molested at 5. She never told anyone until after our D. She never dealt with it. She apparently was sexually promiscus. I did not know this until after our D. We were trying to R after our D I thought. She was just wanting a FWB relationship with me. I couldn't do that. She will not get help. I offered to pay for therapy. Now I am in IC. Stomach problems galore. Sleep problems.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
lingerdog
♂ Member
Member # 24459
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, August 17th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I don't know if it is anything, maybe this isn't the place for me, but let me tell you a little of my story and what I just found that may pertain, and what is in my head.

My WW was sexually active at thirteen, the guy that was her supposed first says that he doesn't believe he was from the way she acted and the way it went. At that time she had been telling us guys that she had been giving oral to a 27 year old guy. Us being young thought this meant she was hot to trot as it were.

I was supposedly her 14th partner in her life when we got together a month shy of her 18th birthday. 11 of her partners supposedly came between the ages of 13 and 15.

Ok, when her father and mother split, she was left with her father for several years. During her teens, she became an alcoholic, abused drugs, and got on probation for those activities when she got arrested.

She was very attached to her father and I chalked it up to her being with him for most of the time after her parents split. When her father would get girlfriends, she would get it seemed almost jealous of them, maybe it was just not wanting a new mommy, but she didn't behave this way with her mother who married the man she left her father for.

At times during our marriage, when she didn't see her father for an extended stretch, she would seem to get depressed and talk about how she missed him and she worried he might die and she not get to see him again, things like that. I just chalked it up to a girl attached to her father.

In her teens, she was having the issues above, and went into counseling. When she talked a few occasions about the counseling, she told me only that she didn't talk to her counselors, that she lied to them because she didn't want to talk about what was really bothering her.

The OM she left me for is the age her father was when he had custody of her, he is fifteen years older than her. So none of this to me is really pointing to anything, and maybe the thing I found doesn't either, but here goes.

My wife's father, lived in a camper behind my parents house for the last almost year, that is when he and his second wife separated, supposedly because of her infidelity. He has maintained that he didn't want to divorce from her because he didn't want to lose the daughter he has with her, who, mind you now, is the same age as my wife was when he divorced from her mother.

Anyway, the guy that owns the camper said he needed to get out of it because he was going to pull the camper down to the river so he would have a little place to camp and fish. He went into the camper to see how much of a mess it was and came out laughing about the collection of porn.

Being guys, we went to see what he had.

Most of it wasn't pictures, but rather story books, fetish books maybe. I saw the cover of one, it was called a family affair. I picked it up, all about women seducing their fathers, teenage girls seducing their fathers, fathers seducing their daughters.

Okay I thought, maybe he got a lot of this stuff and this was a fluke, but no, they were mostly like this, I flipped through a couple of them just to see and it was all the same type of stories.

Okay, looking back on some of the things she has said over the years, the way our marriage is falling apart, the lying to her counselors about what was bothering her, the fact that at least twice now she has been drawn to much older men. Am I reading too much into this? Or is it possible, maybe even likely, that FIL has at some point molested his daughter.

Could this explain, how when we separated I told her that this was all because of her unresolved childhood issues, she got so snarky and angry at me, because me saying that, hearing it through the prism of this possible new information, makes it seem like, if her father had molested her, that I am blaming her for that. Can anyone make any sense out of this for me, maybe give me some guidance, again, sorry if I overstepped my bounds by posting here, but it is just one more thing being piled up in this ever growing pile of turds.

ETA: forgot to put this in there, but when she was about 14 she tried to commit suicide.

ETA: I'm still thinking about and processing this, and one thing that I find creepy now is that during love making I would call her honey, or by her name, but she always referred to me as daddy. I wouldn't give this too much thought, but I called her those things all the time, this is the only time she would call me daddy. She once told me about being awake while her father had sex with a woman he had met on the bed next to her where she was supposed to be sleeping, they were living out of a motel room at the time, I almost wonder now if she was getting me as close to the truth as she could, that she was talking about herself.

ETA: One more thing, when I was cleaning out my house to move, there were notebooks, some mine some my wife's, I flipped through them to determine whose was whose and place them accordingly. One of these was WW's, and it was basically a journal, I snooped, seeing if it contained some clue to her infidelity, but it was from when she was fifteen. There was an entry in it that I didn't get at the time, and may still be off base about, but I will give you the entry exactly as it was.

Checklist for the day:
1. Check yard and see if grass needs cut.
2. Check kitchen do any dishes that need to be done.
3. Do laundry.
(Bad Stuff)
4. Take shower

I don't know what any of this means, any help in dealing with this and figuring out if it is what I think it is, or if I am just letting my head get away from me, thanks.

[This message edited by lingerdog at 6:36 PM, August 17th (Monday)]


What lies behind us & what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Oliver Wendell Holmes -Stolen from Uni's page

Posts: 8921 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Awesomeville
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, August 22nd (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

linger, I am no expert, but sad to say it does sound to me like your wife was abused.

It's an awful thing to have to deal with.

She does need to get help to deal with it.

I haven't posted in a while because I am really confused about what's going on with me right now. And I have recently found out my niece is dealing with this, too.

I wish I had more to offer you, linger, but right now I got nuttin'


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
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