I have tried to squash it, but it just won't squash! I am only recently, in the past couple of months started to face it, so I know I still have some work ahead of me.
I'll try to come back and update later tonight.
there's just too much that time cannot erase
And the more I know, the less I understand
Because of you...I am afraid...
I couldn't say it. So we talked about it/around it without me actually saying it.
We also talked about how if I needed/wanted to take a break from it, that's okay.
But, even though part of me wants to push it away and stop thinking about it, I know it is not going to stop rearing it's ugly head, and I just want to get it over with, so I'm going to keep pushing through it.
I realize I said this in a recent post, but again, it may take you weeks, months for you to decide, to feel whether this memory is genuine---and that's ok--all I'm saying is this can't be rushed.
It took me months, years to fully grasp the authenticity of some of my memories----but that was just me--
"Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win
By fearing to attempt." --Shakespeare
"Just DO it" ---Nike
D-Day March 2006
it may take you weeks, months for you to decide, to feel whether this memory is genuine---and that's ok--all I'm saying is this can't be rushed.
Yes, IC said something like this too. He also said I may never know, and that's okay.
He also gave me some ideas on how to know if a memory is real, and based on that and what y'all said I think this memory is real. I just don't want it to be. I've been trying to talk myself out of it, but not having any luck.
It was a good session. They are never easy, but they are always helpful.
You would really think I would have learned by now not to wear makeup when I go to IC!
ya, some times I couldn't get the words out either...and I did take breaks from IC periodically.
Take it easy. I so know that you just want it to be OVER and done with, but try to take your time, let yourself process what you've already come across....
This may be a really poor example, but think of it like having to write a term paper---if you keep at it without taking a break,(aka all nighter) the ultimate product will suffer because you rushed through it.
If you take that break, you come back rested, able to reread your work with fresh pespective and able to proceed with clearer thinking....
ok, I'm done...you get my drift...
Oh, and the makeup---I'd always come out like a raccoon!
[This message edited by survivor girl at 5:34 PM, September 1st (Tuesday)]
I will take a break from thinking about it in between sessions, but I am not at the point where I want to take a break from IC. I know I may get to that point, though, and will consider it then.
Right now I need to process this latest memory, and I don't think I'm ready to do that without IC.
I may type or write it out to give to him at the next session. That is what I did for our first session where I brought this up, since I didn't know how to even start.
Yeah, I always have to go to the ladies room before I leave to wash my face!
(HUGS to everyone)
**back to lurking**
I haven't even been able to write it yet. It's bad. I don't want to believe it happened, but I think a part of me knows it did, as much as I don't want to. And if this happened, what else happened, if anything?
We also talked about it being okay to take a break from it, and stop IC for a while if that is what I felt like I needed. (The great thing about him is that I can almost always get an appointment within a couple of days, often even same day if I need to.) Part of me wants to do that, but part of me just wants it over with. I did go ahead and make an appointment for next week.
I just don't understand why people could do these things to children. I don't understand why me. Why by three different people. It makes me think there was something about me that said to them that they could get away with it. Something wrong with me.
My husband knows I was abused, but does not know everything. I didn't, and still don't, know everything, but I know now more than he does. He does know that I am getting new memories, but I have not shared them with him. He has been great. He makes sure I know he is there for me if I want to talk, but if I dont' that is okay. He is always there with support and comfort and hugs when I need them.
I know that I am not capable right now of being the wife he deserves, and the mother my kids deserve, and that makes me sad and angry. I want to give my family my all, but this just takes it out of me. I don't want to let this shortchange my family.
I just want it done.
I strugged for a year with Why and the why me of all the kids he was around.. never figured that out either :(
I was able to deal with mine, but I she may have blocked part of that memory, she can't seem to remember much of her childhood and I can relate to that. The problem was that I, like your husband I was always there for her, never pushed the subject but did let her know that if she ever felt a need to discuss it with myself or a professional that I would support her in any way I could, unfortunately she chose to find help 1500 miles away in the same home that this took place some 50 years ago and now denies that it ever took place. wow, had me fooled for 38 years. I am now told by the counselor that I now have that something more than likely took place and that her leaving was part of her passive aggressive behavior.
I'm so sorry that she chose to run from her problems rather than face them. You can never run so far that your problems can't catch up with you. It's unfortunate that she didn't choose to accept the help and support she was offered.
itspjw, it's wonderful to see the love you have for your husband, and that he has for you. The support of loved ones means so much for those of us that have lived through this, the fact that you acknowledge the person standing next to you gives me hope for your future.
My H is very supportive of me now in everything. We've had our problems (obviously, since I am here!) but with hard work and a great MC, we are better now than we have ever been. He is a wonderful support, and it gives me hope for the future as well.
Haven't started writing yet...
But thanks to all who TRY, including survivors themselves and those trying to help a partner. In my case, I'm both.
Just an uplifting observation: My abuse came from a family that babysat me. They had 3 girls and a boy. Later I learned that the father was molesting the daughter, which may be where his son learned what he did to me and others. Now, all the girls have families of their own, some are even grandmas already, and they are THE BEST MOTHERS EVER! They have raised well-adjusted, caring, confident kids. They came from the most F-ed up family ever, and SAB was only part of the abuse there. But they have given the next generation a completely different life, one with hope and confidence, and THAT is the cycle that will continue.
The same is true for my kids, they have it so much better than either FWH or I ever had as children. We will make a difference for the better and stop this horrible cycle.
I can't say that I know for sure that the next generation in that family came out better. My best friend never had kids, and the rest of the family I don't keep in touch with.
I can say, though, that I believe I have made my children's life better than my own was. We still had our problems, and my kids aren't quite old enough yet to completely appreciate it, but they are starting to. I take comfort in that.
I am so glad to hear about others that are successfully breaking the cycle.
I am not in your area (anymore!) but wanted you to know I hear you.
I have been referred to a book by more than one person, but don't have it yet--called "Courage to Heal"
My IC said if I want to read it and discuss it with him, he's okay with that (he doesn't normally 'recommend' books) but I haven't started it yet.
Definitely find a good IC in your area. My IC tends to avoid hypnosis, because there is the chance of "suggestability" and false memories.
told myself I was going to work on writing it out this afternoon while I had the house to myself.
Haven't started writing yet...
it will happen when you're really ready to do so.
I believe I have made my children's life better than my own was
Yes, the cycle has stopped. This does give me comfort.
Or any other suggestions when you can't remember but know more happened? Thanks so much!!
You may never know everything that happened to you. I don't. I primarily have moments in time, bits and pieces. And that's ok. I know that my older sister and alcoholic father were my abusers, I know that when that internal volcano starts erupting and I have this overwhelming urge to self injure, that genuine memories are near.
I'm so sorry for your pain, I hope you're able to find a good counselor.
I was abused by my brother. It took about 20 years for me to say that out loud and believe myself even though I had very reliable memories of exactly what happened. So the fact that you only have glimpses right now, the denial from your Mom, it means nothing. It takes courage to believe yourself about something so difficult.
This thing takes time, and comes to light over time as you are able to deal with it-- the human brain being an amazing organ that preserves you from pain until you are strong enough to face it.
If you don't mind, I'll ask some therapist friends of mine if they have any references in the LA area. These are legit people with solid training, dozens of years in practice, who won't steer you wrong, and it'll be totally anonymous. I'll PM you with the refs, okay?
[This message edited by jolene at 2:54 AM, September 7th (Monday)]
I have an idea to help keep your spirits up. I met a wonderful friend in college and I knew within a day that she had been abused. We opened up to each other quickly, and she had not read the book. So I bought the book for her and then spent weeks making little "surprises" on pieces of paper: inspirational clippings, quotes, drawings, dried flowers, etc. and I placed them on random pages in the book. I told her she couldn't take them out until she arrived on the page. It helped lift her spirits at times that she was feeling down.