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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, September 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to both of you.

I have tried to squash it, but it just won't squash! I am only recently, in the past couple of months started to face it, so I know I still have some work ahead of me.

I'll try to come back and update later tonight.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, September 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I'm back from IC.

I couldn't say it. So we talked about it/around it without me actually saying it.

We also talked about how if I needed/wanted to take a break from it, that's okay.

But, even though part of me wants to push it away and stop thinking about it, I know it is not going to stop rearing it's ugly head, and I just want to get it over with, so I'm going to keep pushing through it.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
survivor girl
♀ Member
Member # 21552
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, September 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its, I so hope you had a good ic session.

I realize I said this in a recent post, but again, it may take you weeks, months for you to decide, to feel whether this memory is genuine---and that's ok--all I'm saying is this can't be rushed.

It took me months, years to fully grasp the authenticity of some of my memories----but that was just me--


FWW

SAB survivor

"Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win
By fearing to attempt." --Shakespeare

"Just DO it" ---Nike

D-Day March 2006


Posts: 111 | Registered: Nov 2008
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, September 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it may take you weeks, months for you to decide, to feel whether this memory is genuine---and that's ok--all I'm saying is this can't be rushed.

Yes, IC said something like this too. He also said I may never know, and that's okay.

He also gave me some ideas on how to know if a memory is real, and based on that and what y'all said I think this memory is real. I just don't want it to be. I've been trying to talk myself out of it, but not having any luck.

It was a good session. They are never easy, but they are always helpful.

You would really think I would have learned by now not to wear makeup when I go to IC!


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
survivor girl
♀ Member
Member # 21552
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, September 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just read your update Its....

ya, some times I couldn't get the words out either...and I did take breaks from IC periodically.

Take it easy. I so know that you just want it to be OVER and done with, but try to take your time, let yourself process what you've already come across....

This may be a really poor example, but think of it like having to write a term paper---if you keep at it without taking a break,(aka all nighter) the ultimate product will suffer because you rushed through it.

If you take that break, you come back rested, able to reread your work with fresh pespective and able to proceed with clearer thinking....

ok, I'm done...you get my drift...

Oh, and the makeup---I'd always come out like a raccoon!

[This message edited by survivor girl at 5:34 PM, September 1st (Tuesday)]


FWW

SAB survivor

"Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win
By fearing to attempt." --Shakespeare

"Just DO it" ---Nike

D-Day March 2006


Posts: 111 | Registered: Nov 2008
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, September 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I understand what you are saying.

I will take a break from thinking about it in between sessions, but I am not at the point where I want to take a break from IC. I know I may get to that point, though, and will consider it then.

Right now I need to process this latest memory, and I don't think I'm ready to do that without IC.

I may type or write it out to give to him at the next session. That is what I did for our first session where I brought this up, since I didn't know how to even start.

Yeah, I always have to go to the ladies room before I leave to wash my face!


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Up until 2 yrs ago I had told no one about what happened to me. When i started IC I wrote a letter because i just couldn't get the words out. A LOT of my IC now takes place through email as well as a 1 x a week session. email is just much much easier for me.

(HUGS to everyone)

**back to lurking**


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IC told me that if I wanted to write it or type it out for him to go ahead and do that. That is actually what I did the first time I went to him for this. I didn't know if I could get through speaking it, so I typed it up and took it to him to read.

I haven't even been able to write it yet. It's bad. I don't want to believe it happened, but I think a part of me knows it did, as much as I don't want to. And if this happened, what else happened, if anything?

We also talked about it being okay to take a break from it, and stop IC for a while if that is what I felt like I needed. (The great thing about him is that I can almost always get an appointment within a couple of days, often even same day if I need to.) Part of me wants to do that, but part of me just wants it over with. I did go ahead and make an appointment for next week.

I just don't understand why people could do these things to children. I don't understand why me. Why by three different people. It makes me think there was something about me that said to them that they could get away with it. Something wrong with me.

My husband knows I was abused, but does not know everything. I didn't, and still don't, know everything, but I know now more than he does. He does know that I am getting new memories, but I have not shared them with him. He has been great. He makes sure I know he is there for me if I want to talk, but if I dont' that is okay. He is always there with support and comfort and hugs when I need them.

I know that I am not capable right now of being the wife he deserves, and the mother my kids deserve, and that makes me sad and angry. I want to give my family my all, but this just takes it out of me. I don't want to let this shortchange my family.

I just want it done.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, September 5th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When we ask why it's kinda like trying to get into the absuers head... I will never be able to get the why.. because sane healthy people just dont think like that...

I strugged for a year with Why and the why me of all the kids he was around.. never figured that out either :(

(HUG)


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
vette
♂ New Member
Member # 25437
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, September 6th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

itspjw, it's wonderful to see the love you have for your husband, and that he has for you. My wife and I were both abused by family members, it took me 30 years to discuss this with her, she shared some of her memories on our second date 39 years ago. I was able to deal with mine, but I she may have blocked part of that memory, she can't seem to remember much of her childhood and I can relate to that. The problem was that I, like your husband I was always there for her, never pushed the subject but did let her know that if she ever felt a need to discuss it with myself or a professional that I would support her in any way I could, unfortunately she chose to find help 1500 miles away in the same home that this took place some 50 years ago and now denies that it ever took place. wow, had me fooled for 38 years. I am now told by the counselor that I now have that something more than likely took place and that her leaving was part of her passive aggressive behavior. The support of loved ones means so much for those of us that have lived through this, the fact that you acknowledge the person standing next to you gives me hope for your future.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: WA
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, September 6th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was able to deal with mine, but I she may have blocked part of that memory, she can't seem to remember much of her childhood and I can relate to that. The problem was that I, like your husband I was always there for her, never pushed the subject but did let her know that if she ever felt a need to discuss it with myself or a professional that I would support her in any way I could, unfortunately she chose to find help 1500 miles away in the same home that this took place some 50 years ago and now denies that it ever took place. wow, had me fooled for 38 years. I am now told by the counselor that I now have that something more than likely took place and that her leaving was part of her passive aggressive behavior.

I'm so sorry that she chose to run from her problems rather than face them. You can never run so far that your problems can't catch up with you. It's unfortunate that she didn't choose to accept the help and support she was offered.

itspjw, it's wonderful to see the love you have for your husband, and that he has for you. The support of loved ones means so much for those of us that have lived through this, the fact that you acknowledge the person standing next to you gives me hope for your future.

My H is very supportive of me now in everything. We've had our problems (obviously, since I am here!) but with hard work and a great MC, we are better now than we have ever been. He is a wonderful support, and it gives me hope for the future as well.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, September 6th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told myself I was going to work on writing it out this afternoon while I had the house to myself.

Guess what?

Haven't started writing yet...


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
humboldtmom
♀ Member
Member # 21569
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, September 6th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to all that find themselves here. Just like A's, the journey to healing from SAB is long and difficult and the scars will never go away.

But thanks to all who TRY, including survivors themselves and those trying to help a partner. In my case, I'm both.

Just an uplifting observation: My abuse came from a family that babysat me. They had 3 girls and a boy. Later I learned that the father was molesting the daughter, which may be where his son learned what he did to me and others. Now, all the girls have families of their own, some are even grandmas already, and they are THE BEST MOTHERS EVER! They have raised well-adjusted, caring, confident kids. They came from the most F-ed up family ever, and SAB was only part of the abuse there. But they have given the next generation a completely different life, one with hope and confidence, and THAT is the cycle that will continue.

The same is true for my kids, they have it so much better than either FWH or I ever had as children. We will make a difference for the better and stop this horrible cycle.


Me BS - 32
FWH - 34 - 1.5yr PA (with my sister, RIP)
Together 13y Married 10y
3 children: 10 & 9 & 1 1/2
D-Day 9/08

Posts: 223 | Registered: Nov 2008
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, September 6th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My abuse also, in part, came from a family that babysat me. And I became best friends with the girl that was less than a year older than me.

I can't say that I know for sure that the next generation in that family came out better. My best friend never had kids, and the rest of the family I don't keep in touch with.

I can say, though, that I believe I have made my children's life better than my own was. We still had our problems, and my kids aren't quite old enough yet to completely appreciate it, but they are starting to. I take comfort in that.

I am so glad to hear about others that are successfully breaking the cycle.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
all4love
♀ Member
Member # 25127
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, September 6th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI, I really need help. I know of sexual abuse from two stepfathers but it was not intercouse. I know that somethiing happened when I was very young but I can't remember it. I recalled something in my 20s and got into IC. The counselor was convinced much more happened than I could remember because of intense pain and anger and spotty recall of...something! But I can't get the whole story. When I lost my virginity there was no bleeding or pain at all. I think something happened when i was 4 or 5 and was left alone in my Mom's apartment a lot (irresponsible babysitter). I have all the symptoms of an incest survivor (and I do recall some of what happened iwth my alcoholic stepfathers). When I told my Mom, she did nothing so I doubt if she'd tell me more. But I can't stop crying when I just think of this and unless I'm nuts (trust me I've considered it) something more happened. Please can anyone tell me of a great counselor or hypnotist who might be able to help me recall what happened? Los Angeles area. Or any other suggestions when you can't remember but know more happened? Thanks so much!!


Had EA for 6 months
NC 16 mos though randomly ran into him 5/10
D-DAY Nov 2008
In R-M 12 1/2 years
2 beautiful boys (9 and 11 yrs old.

Posts: 63 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Los Angeles
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, September 6th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((all4love))))))


I am not in your area (anymore!) but wanted you to know I hear you.

I have been referred to a book by more than one person, but don't have it yet--called "Courage to Heal"

My IC said if I want to read it and discuss it with him, he's okay with that (he doesn't normally 'recommend' books) but I haven't started it yet.

Definitely find a good IC in your area. My IC tends to avoid hypnosis, because there is the chance of "suggestability" and false memories.


((((((hugs))))))


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
survivor girl
♀ Member
Member # 21552
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, September 6th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

told myself I was going to work on writing it out this afternoon while I had the house to myself.
Guess what?

Haven't started writing yet...

it will happen when you're really ready to do so.

I believe I have made my children's life better than my own was

Yes, the cycle has stopped. This does give me comfort.

Or any other suggestions when you can't remember but know more happened? Thanks so much!!

all4love, it's so overwhelming sometimes---
are you journaling?
Just start writing whatever comes to mind--- "stream of counsciousness" writing can be beneficial, you may stumble upon some memories that way...

You may never know everything that happened to you. I don't. I primarily have moments in time, bits and pieces. And that's ok. I know that my older sister and alcoholic father were my abusers, I know that when that internal volcano starts erupting and I have this overwhelming urge to self injure, that genuine memories are near.

I'm so sorry for your pain, I hope you're able to find a good counselor.


FWW

SAB survivor

"Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win
By fearing to attempt." --Shakespeare

"Just DO it" ---Nike

D-Day March 2006


Posts: 111 | Registered: Nov 2008
all4love
♀ Member
Member # 25127
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, September 6th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much itspjw and survivor girl! I agree about the hypnotist. Manufacturing memories is something I've very cautious about. Writing about it is a fantastic idea! Never even thought of that. I will do so. Any other books or IC's (Los Angeles Area) anyone can recommend? All the best to us all


Had EA for 6 months
NC 16 mos though randomly ran into him 5/10
D-DAY Nov 2008
In R-M 12 1/2 years
2 beautiful boys (9 and 11 yrs old.

Posts: 63 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Los Angeles
jolene
♀ Member
Member # 17993
Default  Posted: 2:52 AM, September 7th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

all4love, I just read your post on the Wayward forum, but there was a stop sign.

I was abused by my brother. It took about 20 years for me to say that out loud and believe myself even though I had very reliable memories of exactly what happened. So the fact that you only have glimpses right now, the denial from your Mom, it means nothing. It takes courage to believe yourself about something so difficult.

This thing takes time, and comes to light over time as you are able to deal with it-- the human brain being an amazing organ that preserves you from pain until you are strong enough to face it.

If you don't mind, I'll ask some therapist friends of mine if they have any references in the LA area. These are legit people with solid training, dozens of years in practice, who won't steer you wrong, and it'll be totally anonymous. I'll PM you with the refs, okay?

[This message edited by jolene at 2:54 AM, September 7th (Monday)]


Separated, divorcing.

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: btn rock and hard place
humboldtmom
♀ Member
Member # 21569
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, September 7th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I second the recommendation of Courage to Heal. It was recommended to me by a therapist when I was in high school. I believe it literally saved my life as there were times that I was suicidal and couldn't figure out why. I felt connected, like I wasn't alone and that my behaviors and feelings that seemed crazy to me actually had a reason. I did TONS of journaling, some of which was prompted by Courage to Heal. They also have a workbook now to go along with it.

I have an idea to help keep your spirits up. I met a wonderful friend in college and I knew within a day that she had been abused. We opened up to each other quickly, and she had not read the book. So I bought the book for her and then spent weeks making little "surprises" on pieces of paper: inspirational clippings, quotes, drawings, dried flowers, etc. and I placed them on random pages in the book. I told her she couldn't take them out until she arrived on the page. It helped lift her spirits at times that she was feeling down.


Me BS - 32
FWH - 34 - 1.5yr PA (with my sister, RIP)
Together 13y Married 10y
3 children: 10 & 9 & 1 1/2
D-Day 9/08

Posts: 223 | Registered: Nov 2008
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