It took me years.
there's just too much that time cannot erase
And the more I know, the less I understand
Because of you...I am afraid...
It took me years to admit that it happened, and all day to hit submit.
I still don't know how to admit everything that happened.
Now I can't trust him to keep me safe.
so I have to deal with it.
It will happen when you feel safe enough with yourself, with the fact that YOU were strong enough to live through that torment.
[This message edited by survivor girl at 8:19 PM, September 9th (Wednesday)]
"Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win
By fearing to attempt." --Shakespeare
"Just DO it" ---Nike
D-Day March 2006
I don't think it's what I'm dealing with since WH didn't make me feel safe... he was a part of the problem, but it definitely makes sense.
Survivior girl, how do you start to feel safe enough with yourself?
How do I start feeling safe with myself?
It took years of IC. It took facing what had happened, and realizing the tremendous strength and courage I had to survive it.
My IC would tell me session after session what a strong person I was then and now to face these atrocities.
It's acceptance of what is and what was.
When I was able to reconcile my feelings about my dad (I loved him when he was sober, hated him when he wasn't), when I understood why I did what I did at that time, I was able to trust myself, I was able to begin to feel safe....
I guess it boils down to understanding what I knew to be true, accepting it, knowing that they cannot hurt me anymore.
I navigated my life as a child with survivor skills..I did what I had to do at the time to live through it. I'm sure thats what you both did itspjw and island girl...we did the best we could at that time.
We are no longer in that time...we're here NOW. Once we face those demons and accept what happened to us, they loosen their power over our lives.
Acceptance is freeing, it settles and soothes the soul. It may take a lot of work to get to that point.
We each have a unique journey through this.
[This message edited by survivor girl at 6:24 AM, September 10th (Thursday)]
So far, it seems good, but I haven't gotten very far into it yet.
I went yesterday afternoon and again this afternoon and sat by myself in a restaurant to read.
No major breakthroughs yet, but I like what I am reading.
I *know* (mentally) that I'm not directly responsible for her death. But I feel so incredibly guilty. Maybe you who are here will understand how deep it goes cuz it feels like others don't get it and w/family I have to smile and say I know it's not my fault, etc.
See when we were little, our babysitter used to beat me for my sisters' mistakes. And then we were molested (separately) by her son. Except one time he brought us together and I clearly remember that my sis wanted to tell and I talked her out of it. I was scared and afraid we'd get in trouble, etc. but I WAS THE ONE THAT TALKED HER OUT OF TELLING. It's been a guilt so deep all these years that I almost accepted the fact that she'll walk all over me.
I think reason #1, even if she couldn't identify it, for her to kill herself was being abused. It fucked her up on so many levels and set a bad pattern for her entire life. But I dare not say this to anybody, because with such emotion I know that someone would want to go kill the molester and that would actually be a bad thing. He needs to get his justice from God, not destroy more lives when someone goes to prison for killing him.
So many issues, so many secrets just eating away at me. And I was just telling my H when he called my sis (his former lover) a drama queen, "You don't know her pain. I've been there and luckily was able to stop myself. But don't think it was easy." I would never do it to my family, but I relate to the pain that makes someone get near that point.
I just wish she would've talked to me more about everything b/c there are so many questions she'll never have the chance to answer.
Sorry for the ramble here but needed to vent a little.
i am probably one of the others who don't get it....
i could never understand what it is to be sexually abused as a child, and i would never tell you i could....
the guilt you feel is one i hope you free yourself of....
first you were under the care of a babysitter, who was trusted by your parents...what she did was wrong on so many levels...so you didn't tell, you were a kid, you were not responsible for her continued actions....the babysitter is to assume all of that guilt.....as achild i am sure you were not taught how to handle that kind of situation, so how can you know what to do, you and countless other children are not responsbile for what your abusers do to you, you should not assume her shame and guilt...
as far as the son goes....the same thing, your sister wanted to tell, you stopped her, you were both children who did not know better...just as you couldn't know that telling would be good, she couldn't know that it wasn't...
as adults we all make decisions, yes our past sometimes gets in the way, bu t so many people when faced with same or silimar circumstances are still responsible for their own personal choices.....your sister made her choices based on her needs....you cannot force someone to see what they do not want to see....you cannot force someone to react the way you want them to react, you cannot protect an adult if they do not want to be protected...she would have had to want these things..want them, desire them and choose them....we all know that merely wanting something doesn't make it happen...
your sister opted not to be proactive in recovering....her choice....and when you were children...still she could have chosen not to do as you instructed...do you hold her responsible for choosing not to tell anyway...would you feel the same way if the children in the scenario were your children, and you could now see the situation for what it is from an adults perspective....
humboldtmom you have so much to process, you are survivor of so many situations...you really need to be good to you, you need to forgive yourself, not because you did anything wrong, but because you didn't know any better....because you were a child and simply did not know....
i am sorry to intrude into this site....i hope i am not out of bounds....
again i am so sorry for your loss and your pain....
It fucked her up on so many levels and set a bad pattern for her entire life.
t/j a bit...
Been thinking a lot recently... My therapist said something. He said an event could be this big "." or this big "***", yet the effects can be the same.
It's kind of like affairs. An affair can be a full-blown LTA for years, or it can be online sex, or a friendship taken too far. One could argue that one or the other was "." or "***" size, but the trauma remains the same. (Like a burglary - maybe a plastic bracelet was taken, maybe all the furniture and appliances - the violation is the same, the difference is replacement value... although maybe the plastic bracelet was made by your child and is irreplaceable...)
And people respond differently to trauma. Some process it and get through it. Some internalize it and it fucks them up forever.
It certainly explained a lot about me. I suppressed everything about it and nothing expressed itself until I became sexually active. And, because I did not remember, I had idea where all these wacky things came from. But your brain rationalizes things and makes up reasons that make sense, or you tell yourself they make sense.
Back to HM's post... I "get" your sister... I have those same impulses inside me; I always know they are there.
No real point to this post... just rambling today. Thinking about fucked-upness in the bad people who abuse children...
(Sigh) I don't want to relate to this forum.
US, I don't want to relate to this forum, either. Hell, I don't want to relate to this entire site! Unfortunately I do, but fortunately, since I do, I have found it.
I'm so, so sorry to hear about your sister. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling.
Please consider what iwantamiracle said about guilt-- all this guilt is not yours to bear. You were a child, doing what you felt necessary to get by; we've had some exchanges on the Double Betrayal forum and I know how involved you were in each other's lives. It must be terrible for you right now.
You're in my prayers, and I hope you find some peace.
Humboldtmom, I'm really sorry about the pain you are facing. You were a kid... doing the best you could. You can't blame yourself forever.