I do feel like I made a breakthrough, though, in my last IC session.
Long story (session) short: I need to control it instead of letting it control me.
This past week I have have let it control me.
But I am taking my power back.
there's just too much that time cannot erase
And the more I know, the less I understand
Because of you...I am afraid...
I am tired of it. I am tired of fighting and trying to deal with this.
I am starting to feel anger towards those that put me here.
But at the same time, I just want to give up. I am tired of the fight. I just want it over.
I'm looking forward to the good days!
Today I posted my first post on the Just Found Out forum but then I came across this thread and realised how relevant it is to my experience.
Here is a summary of what recently happened. I found out about a month ago that my WS was having an affair, and has been for what appears to be 8 months or so after 9 years together. I was devastated, it was like someone had ripped my guts out. She was not sorry or remorseful, she believes our marriage to be dead and that we need to move on with our lives. The problem is I don't, I love her very much and I can't get over this. I want to reconcile and she doesn't.
She was sexually abused as a child by her step father. Her mother did not protect her. And she has not dealt with this. Nor does she see the malignant effect it has had on our relationship, or if she does she will not admit to it. She finds it very difficult to trust, she is not intimate or affectionate, she is critical, and she is a very very angry woman indeed, at times she can be very vitriolic. And now she has had an affair.
I believe that, although she loved me, once our relationship was permanent and we were living together she closed down, instead of being loving and trusting she became untrusting, very paranoid, curt, critical, and always seemed to looking for the exit. Then we got pregnant and had a son and I suppose she felt trapped within the marriage otherwise I think we would have broken apart. However these unlying symptoms of SAb have persisted.
To me it has always felt like there is a demon/ monster that possesses her and that eggs her on to self-destruct. This demon has taken over control of her. She believes that her behavior has been normal but this toxic waste has seeped into our relationship and hobbled what should have been something wonderful. Slowly she has worn the relationship down, worn me down and then given herself the route to escape from our relationship. I realise now that I have been living in fear for a long time that she would leave. When we had challenging times in the early years her fall back position was agree or I am leaving. This never left any room for proper communication. I learnt not to communicate as a result.
But I really love her, I have never loved anyone the way I love her. I will suffer anything if it will help her kill the demon.
I tried to get her to go to counseling before about this but she refused but I never pushed hard enough. I always knew though that the time would come that I would need to do something about this. And now it is too late or is it?
She has done a lot to improve herself in recent years, she definitely had self-esteem issues, but now she has overcome some chronic illnesses, she has become a yoga teacher, got into meditation. She has also got into EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and believes that in one session she has been able to deal with her abuse issues. I doubt it and think she is fooling herself, especially when I see the anger on her face. But she has made great strides and I feel that she is probably in a place where she may now be able to engage in counseling. I do so much want to support her and despite the A, I want us to get through this, and perhaps this is the opportunity that enables us to get there.
In the meantime I have moved out of the home and I am doing 180 and hope that she will come to some realisation that we should reconcile.
Not sure what I want from this forum and posting but if there are woman there who have had a similar experience to my WS I would like to hear from them.
[This message edited by UnexpectedSong at 3:15 PM, October 15th (Thursday)]
My WW was a CSA. We are separating and are probably heading for D as she has no remorse or desire for R.
She was abused by her step-father (I don't know the extent or the details). Her step-father was himself a victim of CSA.
You can see how evil begets evil from one generation to the next.
Over the last 8 years I feel that I have borne the brunt of much pain emotional pain that I am sure results directly from the CSA that my WW suffered. She has not sought help and refuses to do so to deal with the CSA and refuses to see any connection between it and our M and the eventual As.
We have a 7 year old son. My concern, now that we are separating, is this. The horrible toxicity of the CSA that my WW suffered has to flow (leak out) somewhere, it flowed out to me over the years. But now, that I am gone, could it flow out against my son.
My WW loves our son with all her heart. But she once felt love for me and then she hurt me continually for years. Should I be worried and concerned for our son?
yes you should be concerned for your son, but do not think she is doomed to repeat abuse, she is not. In my worst and most deranged moments I could never hurt a child. The concern will be just in her ability to relate to your son. In my experience, my acting out and replaying of sexual abuse occurred with adult men, not children. I don't know the stats on it, but I'd be hard pressed to believe she would take that step without any evidence or signs of it. ...likely she is acting out in the same ways I did, with other men.
the toxicity does leak out onto everyone around you but it manifests in different ways. Read some work by Dan Allender (The Wounded Heart) and another one by him called Bold Love for some insights on how to deal with her and help your son relate to his mom. Bold Love is especially good because it can help you to see the warning signs of someone who is evil vs someone who is broken and give you strategies for handling different situations.
hang in there, it is a hard road but there is hope.
lots of prayer, writing, art, music.... playing video games where I get to kill things, talking.
God has recently started coming after my anger, it has not been an easy thing, I didnt understand how much of my life is fueled by it, as I see more and more and he uncovers it, it kind of leaves me in a puddle on the floor.
what really overcomes anger is love. how that works out is different in each situation.
I pray and ask for light on something and then wait on God to move.
Generally, he does pretty darn quick. So a situation will arise in my life that pertains to whatever I prayed on and then I learn from it...or I see love. And then I get healing. Some days I just see a huge span of years in a whole new light, the events replay in my mind but I am watching them as a spectator, with new understanding, insight and compassion. And then I cry. And then I feel like something is lifted.
best thing I can liken it to is the Butterfly Effect movie, when Ashton Kutcher changes history. it is like that. After such a session I'm exhausted and ...have peace. I'm healed.
I believe in something called the Four Streams... it's outlined in Waking the Dead, a book by a therapist named John Eldredge. I've experienced them and this is what I'm describing to you.
sounds totally kooky but it works.
In my experience, my acting out and replaying of sexual abuse occurred with adult men, not children. I don't know the stats on it, but I'd be hard pressed to believe she would take that step without any evidence or signs of it. ...likely she is acting out in the same ways I did, with other men.
What Maia said.
I don't know how to do this...
Why do I have to deal with this?
I don't know how.
none of this is "normal" but what you're feeling, the overwhelm, wanting to not deal with it, sense of unfairness, man.... I have been there. I know.
keep trying to write it out and put words to things, if that doesn't work then likely you have some art form that does help you to get perspective? music? paint? maybe you have never tried them?
it can help.
Kieran ...you said now you just want to cry for her. If you can look at her as ...almost having a split personality, it will help. You're seeing the things that ripped her apart, but what you have to understand is that the Evil Twin isn't the true -her-
Harry Potter has the whole idea of a horcrux, and I found that concept incredibly helpful in relating what happened to me to what I became. In the story a bad person would commit murder and it would splinter their soul. Well, to me, the splintering occured with my abuse and then the things I did in acting out splintered me further. So when I acted contrary to the good person I wanted to be, acted irrationally... I was acting from those torn places.
The other idea is the idea of a Mord Sith, this is from science fiction, a series by Terry Goodkind called the Sword of Truth, where the most innocent and pure of girls are chosen to be broken through torture so they can be turned into sadist monsters. I know that these are fictional ideas but reading about them helped me to put images and words to the things I had felt and experienced and that was very healing for me.
clarity is not the same as healing but it is a big step toward it.
I do journal, and it does help. I'm in IC as well, and C feels like I am doing very well. I think so, too, but I do get overwhelmed with it at times, especially in conjunction with other things going on in my life.
it did help me, in moments of deep panic or overwhelm.
the other thing for me was the 23rd psalm. I could focus on it and its words and just say it over and over to myself, giving all I had to the ideas in it instead of to the pain ... it helped me to change the channel when the things in my head were too roiled.
hugs. lots of them.