*Getting off my soapbox now*
I quit my group. they were all wonderful, but I was falling apart trying to handle and share the memories. I guess I just was not ready. I have not been back to IC, either.
Last night my sleep was filled with bad dreams of being either threatened by or actually chased by men that I believed intended to sexually assault me. I don't normally remember my dreams for long, but these I do. I haven't had a good nights sleep in a few days, and am still up now because I am just not ready to go to sleep. I guess I am going to go ahead and take an ativan tonight before bed and hope it helps me finally get a good night's sleep.
I've got all these bits and pieces, some of which fit together, some of which don't seem to. Part of me wants to just get all the pieces and put them together so I can get it behind me, but part of me is still scared of what I don't know. And part of me still believes that I could have stopped it sooner. Because when I finally did say no, it stopped. Why didn't I just say no sooner?
there's just too much that time cannot erase
And the more I know, the less I understand
Because of you...I am afraid...
First, I'm a spouse abuse survivor in the worst kinda way. To me, my ex was my first real love, not the usual teenage love. I was 18 & he was 20 when we married. It didn't take long for me to start experiencing almost every form of abuse imaginable.
Emotional, financial, physical and sexual. The financial stuff was easy to get over & I carry no scars from the physical. However, the emotional and sexual has left psychological scars that have gone unattended for 10 years.
I don't look forward to digging into all this but I know I need to. So many times, I've wanted to go back to being the girl I was before my ex, to have that innocence and not be so jaded and guarded. I want my BH to get the best parts of me, instead of this broken, shell of a person.
I don't look forward to digging into all this but I know I need to
Are you in counseling?
My mom is coming home for a while to stay with us. I am not ready.
My mom is twisting me up in knots. She kept taking me to my abusers house, she kept sending my sister to her abusers. She took me over there even after she knew for sure that they had messed with me. And then she blamed me and made me feel like the abuse was my fault.
I get that she was in a different time. I even forgive her, she was an abused woman. I think she couldn't take thinking she had failed her children.
She's so fragile, she lost my dad and my grandma, her husband(not the abuser) and mother, within 6 months of each other. It broke her. She overdosed last summer on Xanax and I spent the entire summer helping her through detox.
I don't think I have the strength in me to help her right now. It's only been the middle of February since I started processing and working on the CSAb issues. I'm still angry at her. How can I do this???
I can't confront her, it might break her completely, I know my mother. She'd either go catatonic or commit suicide. Either way, I can't deal with her issues on top of my own.
Yes, I pity her, I love her, for all of the CSAb crap, she was a good mom, she loved me. She did the best she could. I know that.
[This message edited by wincings_sparkle at 6:21 PM, March 26th (Friday)]
Best wishes sparkle,
Life is what You choose it to be.
About ~C.? I hear she even keeps a bottle in her desk at work. Not in an alcoholic way but in a kick ass Humphrey Bogart kinda way.
all that confront to heal shit is a nice theory.
Yep, I came to that conclusion early on.
Chip, I agree with everything you said.
I was having a whining moment, I'm over it.
I can't really see this visit being any different that any of the others at this point. She'll do her thing and we will do ours around hers. I had a little, tiny panic moment when I found out she was coming to visit... Normally, I would have just panicked over cleaning the house.
Thanks for the reality check. I need those periodically.
SAB is so hard. Everyone knows it as only they can know it.
I can only relate to my own reality with such demons.
Hey? Sparkle? Did you remember to dust the windowsills?
It was a supportive post. No reason to "Oh damn."
Sharing this for someone special today.
A Guide for the Partners of Incest Survivors
btw, I highly recommend the book "Ghosts in the Bedroom." It is really helpful for anyone dealing with sexual abuse - not just incest. It has been very helpful for both me (the victim) and my husband.
[This message edited by MadhatterMama at 5:10 PM, April 9th (Friday)]
You will never know how strong you really are until you have no options but to be strong...
My DS15 disclosed in Dec 2009, that his dad had sexually abused him throughout middle school. My DS has been struggling with depression and suicidal ideations for over a year(hospitalized 3 times). The court has put a CPO in place as well as a CFI. The CFI recommended after 6 weeks of investigation that my XH have supervised visitation with his dad for 2 hours a week. Last Saturday, was the first visitation. The supervisor indicated that it went well. However, the days that followed have been hell. DS is more depressed, talks of suicide, fighting with me and friends, When talking with the supervisor, she stated that that was to be expected when my DS hasn't seen his dad in 5 months. I am very concerned and the stress is unreal. Does anyone have experience with this? Is it possible to have a "good" relationship with the offending parent? If you prefer not to post, could you please pm me? Thanks.
[This message edited by metamorphisis at 7:00 AM, April 18th (Sunday)]
The CFI has recommended DS see his dad. I cannot pin them down as to why. I am afraid to intervene when DS does not seem to be hesitant and the CFI sent me an email stating DS MUST go. However, as I stated, the fallout of seeing his dad was great.
I feel "threatened" as supervisor stated that research shows kids turn away from a parent that disses the other parent or prevents kid from seeing a parent. For the life of me, I don't see how spending time with a NPD abusive parent will benefit my DS.
[This message edited by WantOut at 11:27 PM, April 17th (Saturday)]
[This message edited by wasafriend at 1:22 PM, April 19th (Monday)]
And part of me still believes that I could have stopped it sooner. Because when I finally did say no, it stopped. Why didn't I just say no sooner?
Just because it stopped when you said no doesn't mean that it would have. You didn't know that saying no would stop it. Saying "no" could have made it worse.
I don't know the details of your situation. I can only say that I didn't know that I could say "No" as a child. As a teen, if I had said "no" the guy would have raped me anyway. He told me, "We can do this the easy way or the hard way. It doesn't matter to me."
If I had fought, I would have still been raped. I may have gotten physically hurt by fighting. It makes me a little sick to think about. To think "I should have fought, I should have said no." I let them abuse me as a child and I let him rape me as a teen...
Yeah, and if I hadn't let them, both situations could have been worse. In both situations, just like in any situation with criminals, rapists and abusers, saying no could have made things worse.
I did not say no. You know what though, it is still on them and not me. It is not my fault and it is not your fault. "THEY" are the ones with the stains on their souls.
I think part of my problem is that I am very much a proponent of taking responsibility for one's own actions/decisions/choices. Even though intellectually I know that as a child I am not necessarily resonsible, I feel the need to take responsibility for every choice I have made.
Beauty for Ashes by Joyce Meyer was instrumental in helping me believe in my heart that I wasn't responsible for my abuse. It also helped me with forgiving myself for all of the behavior that I engaged in during my teens and during my affair. (I know you are a BS, so maybe it would help you with your abuse and the hurt that you carry from your spouse's betrayal.)
Even though intellectually I know that as a child I am not necessarily responsible, I feel the need to take responsibility for every choice I have made.
This truly is a responsibility that you don't have to carry. It was not your fault.