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Newest Member: DevastatedWH (43169)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's
Maia
♀ Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, June 10th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

look at the work of Dan Allender, his book is called "The Wounded Heart" and he is the best resource I know of.

there is a book, workbook and a seminar recording.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
wincings_sparkle
♀ Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, June 15th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone done the exercise where you write what you like about your inner child (younger self during the abuse) and then write what you dislike about your inner child?


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
caspers1wish
♀ Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, June 15th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a lurker trying very hard to come out of lurkdom...been working very hard on getting my story on my profile but it is long and I'm quite the mess right now.

Has anyone done the exercise where you write what you like about your inner child (younger self during the abuse) and then write what you dislike about your inner child?

I used to do these exercises that helped me get in touch with my inner child, to comfort her, love her, let her know that I'm protecting her now, apologize to her for blaming her, yada yada.

I've never heard of the approach of thinking or even writing about what I don't like about my inner child. However, almost 2 weeks ago, I was in the midst of a pretty bad crisis phase, where I'm still feeling rather hopeless...and I blurted out to my husband that I think I pretty much hate her (meaning my inner child).

I know that children are not to be blamed for sexual abuse in any way, I know I wasn't to blame, I know this, I really do...but practicing what you preach is a whole 'nother story. Quite possibly, I might just be mad in general surrounding my frustration of my situation or just having some anger issues at the moment. Whatever it is, I can't help but be pissed at myself et al(inner child). I have all these horrid thoughts in my head about how mad I am at this child, how I wish I could scratch her out of existence somehow, she was weak, she didn't tell, she didn't fight, she didn't say no, she wasn't brave at all!! stupid kid...I don't want to talk to her or comfort her at the moment, I don't want her anywhere near me! (mentally of course)...as survivors, feeling this way about our inner child is not encouraged (maybe I'm wrong), probably because it signifies a set back in the healing process...well I'm experiencing a set back of sorts, so I'm letting myself feel however I want, knowing full well I'm being completely irrational in this line of thinking.


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 700 | Registered: Jun 2010
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, June 16th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I bashed my inner child's head onto the pavement and left it bloody and pulpy and have never looked back. Sometimes, the inner child concept is overrated.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
starsfadingaway
♀ Member
Member # 28458
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, June 17th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the first time that I have posted on this forum. I was raped when I was 16 years old. I can count on one hand the people I have admitted this too. I have never dealt with this trauma. I know that I can not run from it...I never realised that I learnt such destructive coping mechanisms. I want to be normal.

I am not trying to use this as an excuse for the bad choices I have made to have an affair and lie. But I do not want to ever act that way again, so I think I need to understand.

When I read the post on this forum 'Topic: Candid talk about sex abuse and its role in affairs' by Stunned Dad, and kindly reposted. My special BS found this post for me. I cried from start to finish...vulnerabilities that I have never acknowledged or at least linked to the sexual assault.

I don't know how to start to heal from something that I have ran away from for so long...

But at the moment, I want to focus on empathy...I know this is on of the things my BS needs...I am trying to learn and I was hoping that someone wiser than me can provide me with some advice....

Lack of empathy. Not surprising that if you learn to ignore your own abuse then you won't be very aware of other persons pains

Is is just me...has anyone else had to learn this skill...what did you do? Any help is greatly appreciated. Thank you


Me (33) - WS
Him (33) - BS (Lotsa)
Together 13 years
"What the caterpillar calls the end, the rest of the world calls a butterfly" Lao Tsu
I wish for you that butterfly and I hope that I can be the flower you land on....

Posts: 86 | Registered: May 2010
broken13
♀ Member
Member # 28264
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, June 18th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lack of empathy. Not surprising that if you learn to ignore your own abuse then you won't be very aware of other persons pains
Is is just me...has anyone else had to learn this skill...what did you do?

I'm interested in this as well. My FWH (CSA survivor), doesn't seem to be able to show empathy. He did read wincings_sparkle's story and "felt" it .... we started talking about empathy then .... I tried to explain the difference between sympathy (feel bad for someone) and empathy (being able to put yourself in their place by "feeling" their pain). He seemed to understand but I'm not sure he is really able to do this unless he has felt the same type of pain ..... so in my case, since I haven't betrayed him, he can't empathize with how I'm feeling now. <----- does that makes sense?


ME (BS): 40
HIM (FWH): 44
Sons: 21, 11, 10 and 4
Daughter: lost our only one 2 days after her birth in '95
D-Day: 2-19-2010
Married for 17 years (together 19)

short story in profile ... details of dday in journal entry


Posts: 373 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: OH
starsfadingaway
♀ Member
Member # 28458
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, June 21st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump...I need all the help I can get...Thanks


Me (33) - WS
Him (33) - BS (Lotsa)
Together 13 years
"What the caterpillar calls the end, the rest of the world calls a butterfly" Lao Tsu
I wish for you that butterfly and I hope that I can be the flower you land on....

Posts: 86 | Registered: May 2010
broken13
♀ Member
Member # 28264
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, June 26th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((starsfadingaway))),

I wish I could help you... I'm bumping in hopes that someone can. I'm in the same spot as your BS and I'm struggling to make it each day. To me my FWH (also CSA survivor) isn't "getting" it. He says he gets it but yet I'm sinking and he appears to be standing. IDK, what he's feeling inside.... he doesn't say much. The only time our situation is brought up is if I say something. I think he's still not ready to face his past and I fear it'll eventually drive me away from him. I'm very sorrowful over this but I don't know what to do.

Just today he texted me to see if I need smokes (I'm not a smoker but have been having a few a day cuz the anxiety is so high). I mentioned that I think I could use pills but feel like a cop-out. He texted "pills for what" .... really????? I said "never mind", he said "ok".

Basically he doesn't want to face anything. After dday, he promised me that he wouldn't let me "slip away" ..... I'm afraid that I'm falling



ME (BS): 40
HIM (FWH): 44
Sons: 21, 11, 10 and 4
Daughter: lost our only one 2 days after her birth in '95
D-Day: 2-19-2010
Married for 17 years (together 19)

short story in profile ... details of dday in journal entry


Posts: 373 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: OH
WhyAmILikeThis??
♀ New Member
Member # 28887
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, June 27th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"starsfadingaway"
I am by no means an expert as I have just began to deal with my own sexual abuse myself. I know that I too have a real problem with empathy. I can tell you that the best thing for me has been getting into IC. You need to get into some specialized counseling dealing with SAB.Make sure that the person is trained in dealing with SAB. I have been in and out of counseling for 17 years since my teens. Hospitals and all!! I could never find any answers and they could not tell me what to do tofix the problem. So I eventually got it into my head that I was unfixable.I now KNOW that not being with the right kind of therapists can hurt more than doing nothing at all. I have just began IC at a SAC with a specialized therapist. I have had more progress in just the three weeks that I have been there than in the whole 17 years before. It really makes a huge difference. I was so very afraid to go and talk to yet another therapist, but as soon as I walked through the doors I could tell something was different about that place. For the first time in 33 years, I finally don't feel all alone. I can see a little glimmer of hope that maybe I can get better and not be this person that I hate so much! I strongly reccommend getting the book "The Sexual Healing Journey" by Wendy Maltz. My therapist suggested it to me and we have only dealt with three chapters. But I can't tell how much of a difference it made to read and be able to identify with a lot( and I mean a lot) of the information in those 3 chapters. I am in the all consumed phase of spending all my time trying to learn as much as I can. Just know that you are not alone as I am just learning there are thousands of people out there who share my thoughts and feelings

[This message edited by WhyAmILikeThis?? at 12:24 PM, June 27th (Sunday)]


me WS 33
BH 32
D-day 6-4-10
2 D-day complete honesty 6-13-10

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2010
starsfadingaway
♀ Member
Member # 28458
Default  Posted: 4:42 AM, June 28th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the bump broken. I gave up cigarettes for seven years and in the past three months taken them back up...another thing to add the long list of things I need to change.

Is your husband in IC? One of the many things on my list of things to change is improving my communication and sharing my feelings. What many people take for granted has been hard for me...I am trying to recognise why I find it so hard...part fear of saying the wrong thing...part fear of not being liked...all linked to my insecurities...IMHO...but I know I have to challenge myself...I want to grow and learn.

Thankyou for your response WAILT. I have only been seeing an IC for 2 months. Our MC suggested that I see a specific SA counsellor. I have been hesitant but your advice has been very encouraging. I wish you all the best in your healing.

Just know that you are not alone

(((WAILT)))


Me (33) - WS
Him (33) - BS (Lotsa)
Together 13 years
"What the caterpillar calls the end, the rest of the world calls a butterfly" Lao Tsu
I wish for you that butterfly and I hope that I can be the flower you land on....

Posts: 86 | Registered: May 2010
WhyAmILikeThis??
♀ New Member
Member # 28887
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, June 28th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

StarsFadingAway

I really can't express the difference the right therapists makes. 17 years of wrong and I gave up all hope. I will be honest when I made the choice to go just a little over 3 weeks myself,(D-Day 6-4-10 2nd and final D-Day 6-13-10 total honesty!) I was only going to show BH I would really try. I didn't believe at all it would be different. I was wrong!! I knew on my first visit! And have been given more with each visit. I see hope and with that brings excitement.I wish I had the strength to go here so many years ago. I knew about this for years but for some reason I always went somewhere else. I believe I was scared and not ready to face it. I may have went for BH but now I am for me.

[This message edited by WhyAmILikeThis?? at 2:38 PM, June 28th (Monday)]


me WS 33
BH 32
D-day 6-4-10
2 D-day complete honesty 6-13-10

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2010
jsngold
♂ Member
Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, July 4th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I doing the right thing by increasing my 180?

Background: It has been 5 months since D-day. She is maintaining NC and going to IC for her SAB. But she still shows zero remorse and refuses to go to MC.

So I am taking the 180 and cranking it up a notch.

Is this the right thing to do?

Maybe I should be more compassionate about her SAB.

But then again, she has clearly demonstrated that I am not even on her radar screen.

Any thoughts?


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
island_girl
Member
Member # 22616
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, July 6th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jsngold, I wanted you to know that you were heard, but I don't have much advice for you.

If she's working on SAB issues, maybe marital issues would be hard for her to face concurrently? However, if you aren't on her radar at all... well, that's not much of a marriage and how long are you expected to deal with that?

If she's maintaining NC, then I would think you were on her radar at least a bit... it's not much, but I'd think it was something. Have you told her what you need for R? Is MC on the list?

I wish I had more advice for you, but I'm the one with SAB issues and the ex is the one who cheated... so I dunno.


Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. - Mahatma Gandhi

Posts: 2760 | Registered: Jan 2009
island_girl
Member
Member # 22616
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, July 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone read up on or know anything about "splitting"? I was reading in a sex abuse book and it very briefly mentioned the concept - basically it's when you either see a person in either a sexual role or in an emotional supportive role.

It seemed to imply that many SABs have a hard time seeing someone in both roles. I know that I struggle with this, but I'd never labeled it or tied it to sex abuse or thought about it so clearly before.

Any insights would be welcome.


Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. - Mahatma Gandhi

Posts: 2760 | Registered: Jan 2009
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone read up on or know anything about "splitting"? I was reading in a sex abuse book and it very briefly mentioned the concept - basically it's when you either see a person in either a sexual role or in an emotional supportive role.

I have not heard of that, though I frequently feel like more of a therapist and less of a husband to my W.

It may be related to the idea that my W trusts me enough that she can feel "safe" saying no to sex with me.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
wincings_sparkle
♀ Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Example of “all good or all bad“ thinking. "My husband is evil, he doesn‘t love me", after being told that you can‘t do x, when in reality, there isn’t money to do x. “Splitting creates instability in relationships, because one person can be viewed as either all good or all bad at different times, depending on whether he or she gratifies needs or frustrates them” Any evidence to the contrary is ignored.

Splitting is possible by Dissociation/compartmentalization, which is an ability people have in varying amounts to be able to wall off certain experiences and not think about them.

“When you are split, you are held in a situation where you are not quite sure about things, there is always doubt, and there is never true clarity and real resolve to step into your truth.” You can’t reconcile the sexual role with in an emotional supportive person. Sex was bad, therefore if the emotionally safe and supportive person wants sex… they must be bad.

“splitting remains intact as defense mechanisms against the anxiety and guilt of having to deal with the world and others as grey areas.” Whatever the cause of splitting, it stops emotional growth and the view of people and self remains at an infantile/childish level.

The quotes are from “Cognitive Psychology, A Journey Through the Mind”

Splitting for me was dealt with in seeing the split in myself. I was good and I was bad. One side did not touch the other side. When they did over lap, it threw me into a rage or into a “hide under the bed”. IC and I talked about punishment and acting out to be “punished” to relieve the guilt of being “bad”. When I was “punished”, I could turn it on the “punisher” and call them “bad”. They were hurting me and that relieved my self guilt of hurting me. I pushed responsibility for myself onto others.

Sick and twisted? Yes. It can be “fixed”. Seeing it and recognizing the behavior is more than half of the battle.

Safe sex, vanilla, “Virgin Mary“, “Madonna“, emotionally supportive model is sweet and safe. There is the idea that the male respects you, values you.
Perversely, as a CSAb survivor/victim, this vision of yourself is undeserved. Or the pleasure of sex is inherently associated with “bad”. (This can also occur due to guilt from the A). Then the male is “false” “liar”, he sees you as “whore”, “dirty”, the sex is unsafe, and the emotional support is now dangerous, emotionally threatening. The act of lovemaking becomes a performance. To soothe the beast, keep the peace, save yourself from worse punishment, a shield to the emotional storm.

Okay, I think that turned into a bit of a ramble.
Pick it apart and I’ll try to explain anything that is confusing.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
island_girl
Member
Member # 22616
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonerider, I may be wrong, but it seemed to imply that it was hard for SABs to be able to handle someone in both roles. Essentially one person is a sex toy and one person is an emotional support. Maybe discuss the idea with your wife and see what she says?

I see myself doing this with guys I've dated. In the beginning, I see them in more of a sexual light. Once they start to transition into more of a friend/partner role, I'm less sexually attracted to them and have a harder time getting aroused. It's screwy and I always attributed it to the newness wearing off, but I think it goes deeper than that.


Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. - Mahatma Gandhi

Posts: 2760 | Registered: Jan 2009
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonerider, I may be wrong, but it seemed to imply that it was hard for SABs to be able to handle someone in both roles. Essentially one person is a sex toy and one person is an emotional support. Maybe discuss the idea with your wife and see what she says?

Some days if things ever calm down.

Right now we're dealing with Abilify withdrawal and severe anxiety about hosting a book club in two weeks.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
jsngold
♂ Member
Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, July 17th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, now I'm really confused.

My wife saw me reading "Allies in Healing" and "Ghosts in the Bedroom". She got all upset and offended.

She said, "I don't know where you get these ideas from. I'm not an incest survivor."

I said, "You're not? What about what your brother did to you?"

She said, "That's none of your business." And walked away.

Um, ok, how am I supposed to respond to that? I know that her brother molested her when she was a kid. I assumed that he was the reason for her EA and for the past 5 months of hell I have been going through.

And now? If she is not working out her SAB issues, then why does she refuse to go to MC, refuse to talk about the EA, and insist that I stay "on the sidelines" of her life?

Do I continue to do the 180, or do I sit her down and force her to tell me WTF is going on?

I can't take this much longer.


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
wincings_sparkle
♀ Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, July 18th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she isn't willing to help herself, you can't help her.

You need to figure out if her not dealing with her issues and her behavior is a deal-breaker for you.

You have to do what is best for you. Take care of yourself.

You could talk to her or not, that a choice that you have to make.

She sounds like she is in denial. I really don't know. She is the only one that can answer your questions.

Please take care of yourself (and your children if you have children???).


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
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