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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's
Sweeting
♀ Member
Member # 1305
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, May 12th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Run Away Love" is a trigger. Ludacris.

Posts: 3974 | Registered: Mar 2003
TwistedInside
♂ Member
Member # 6147
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, May 13th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Justtired,

I don't think what your mom did was sexual abuse per se -- at least not in her telling you how damned you would be for having it. Her words were especially harsh, but in themselves I don't think they qualify as sex abuse.

Perhaps your IC thinks your mom did something else, which you can't currently remember.

This would be a good question for your IC to answer.


Me: BS; divorced Nov. 1, 2005, after 23 years of marriage
Incredible kids: Two
Current status: Remarried! 11/28/09
------------------------------------
So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key

Posts: 2049 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Illinois
orchid
Member
Member # 7223
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, May 15th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like your IC is saying that what your Mother did was emotionally abusive and that the subject was sex. Not exactly sex abuse in the usual term. Sounds like she (your mother) was raised in the "hell-fire and brimstone" environment. I am not sure if what was going on with your cousin was exactly sex-abuse either. You both consented is that correct? Both the same age? Too much time alone? You know sometimes that past is exactly that...the past. Your Mom's reaction seems to have created problems for you, sorry she was so judgemental but she probably used the tools she had. Right or wrong. You are in IC now right? Hope she can help you "empty the basket" and start refilling it with healthier and happier emotions.

[This message edited by orchid at 8:05 AM, May 15th (Tuesday)]


You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2005 | From: Western US
orchid
Member
Member # 7223
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, May 18th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am bumping this up because I think it is an important thread and don't want it to get lost


You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2005 | From: Western US
baltimore
♀ Member
Member # 13766
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, May 18th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

orchid - I check this thread daily - wonder why the activity here is so low - I'm thinking these 2 issues (A and SAB) are not easily dealt with together - both can be all consuming in themselves.

Posts: 392 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: baltimore
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, May 18th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

baltimore - I think you are right on. I know that until I seperated the two in my head, it was just too much for me to deal with. i was in constant overload.

I think for the most part i have drifted away from the A stuff to concentrate on the SAb issues with W.

This because I see them as a root cause to her lack of bounderies which is what gets her into trouble.

My W is a good person. I know that she doesn't consiously think A. Nor does she condone it. What i do know, because I have seen it so much, is that she can get caught in these time traps and then can't deal with a situation and drops into her survival mode. Allows whatever to happen and then just moves on, feeling like it is no big deal because "it's just me, and i don't matter" to the " why should anyone care, I am not worth it". Mostly very self destructive.

I struggle with how to break through that line of thought to let her know that I do care, and that I see value in her.

Of course then I get the "your suppose to" line.

It is a constant battle. I am hoping to find a balance soon. I never imagined the complexities of SAb. Very frustrating. Even now I am not sure I will survive all of this. If I don't it will not be because of the A. It will be because of rhe side effects of the SAb.

I wish she could see how big it is in her life and her actions.

How is everyone else dealing with the day to day life?


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
baltimore
♀ Member
Member # 13766
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, May 18th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurts,

Kuddos to you for all the work your putting in with you W on these issues.

I've dealt with my abuse and have put it behind me.

I'm just stuck dealing with the compartmentalization aspects of it. As a survivor - you learn to compartmentalize - or else you wouldn't survive this shit - and I've learned that I've carried that over to dealing with my H's A (and come to find out - every other stresser in my life).

I'm trying to break that - but it's sooooooo easy to put it in a box and put up on a shelf and not think about it (I'm good at that). The problem is - when the box falls - it falls hard.

Your W has alot of work ahead of her to get to the point that she feels "worthy". Took me a long time - but I got here. So there is hope... It hurts like hell going through it - but the end result is FREEDOM!

Wishing both of you much happiness.


Posts: 392 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: baltimore
orchid
Member
Member # 7223
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, May 18th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every post on this forum is a learning experience for me. SAb has so many twists, turns, and tenticles that reach out and touch everything that I don't realize until I read what someone else posts. It explains so many things and helps feel more understanding and compassion for my H. Sure wish I would have been able to hear and read these things years ago. So many years.


You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2005 | From: Western US
cjonesjag
♀ Member
Member # 10617
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, May 18th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

orchid - your WH was a victim childhood SAB..mine too.

He (among a MULTITUDE of other things), is a MASTER at conflict avoidance. To the point that he will NOT engage in any conversations regarding ANYTHING negative!

Its horrible, and I feel TERRIBLE for all that he suffered as a child, but at this point, I'm becoming a sacrificial lamb.

I realize that I'm dealing with *dual* issues here. But I just don't think that 'men' who do NOT seek out help from professionals can EVER expect to live a 'pseudo-normal' life.

I'm just pissed and frustrated at my situation.


Me (BS):50
Him(WTFH):51 Married: 05/26/2002
DD#1: 09/2005 (EA) DD#2: 09/2006
Mini-DDays: Many. Mostly online
DIVORCED 10/20/10
It's not what you've got, it's what you give.
It ain't the life you choose, it's the life you live

Posts: 6400 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Michigan
jp12861
♀ Member
Member # 12525
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, May 18th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also don't want this to drop off either, sorry haven't been posting much lately as I've been dealing with the wayward side of what I did. Again everyone is correct sometimes you can deal with the SAb othertimes you need to focus on the wayward or betrayed (depends on which side).

Either way it is alot for everyone Healing on both sides is sides is hard. Double guilt on my part as a WS and a SAb survivor, back then I revictimized myself. Now tryin gto patch my M together and come out stronger for both of us.
I'm a tough lady after all this and also even counselor said a much healthier one since 40 yrs ago (Sab) and 12 yrs ago last ever ONS ( what the f* was I thinking) sorry still working on that.


Just me now and my girls
50
26 & 23

Posts: 1674 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: San Diego
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, May 18th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I so hear the compartmentialization issues. W also is just so good at it. She just does't realize sometimes.

She also is a conflict avoider. It is a major frustration. It went for a year of me pushing and her just avoiding anything with it. You know when she decided to do something about it, When after multiple meltdowns and falling over the edge, telling her that I need to leave or die. Then she opened up enough to satisfy for a bit. She is very good at it. i don't necessarily think she does it on purpose. but it is haveing effect. Meanwhile I am back to the mode of having to put my issues concerning the M on the back burner. It is just so frustrating. I can understand the sacrifical lamb idea.

I think that right now I don't want to lose all of the effort to help. Even if we don't survive, it will be to her benifit and the kids.

I believe that the refusial to address the issues is applicable to both genders. I understand that generally it is easier for women to seek out the help. too bad society holds back so many men.

Here's hoping that we may all find a path. I feel so much for the survivors. It is a tough road, and yet it still must be done to confront issues to allow some semblience of normalicy (whatever that is). I know from the view of spouse that it is a necessary evil.

You guys have a good evening. I would love to open this up some more. i have learned so much here and continue to. I have learned to temper my views and expectations from what I read from the survivors. I so appreciate all of you.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
orchid
Member
Member # 7223
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, May 21st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stunned Dad, if you are around I have a question. Your post about SAb not having "predator antennae" is so true in my H's case. I would say that both his OWs had predatory characteristics. Especially the 2nd one, which probably accounts for her bunny boiler tricks. My question is though, do the SAb see themselves being in control (which I understand is a need they have) rather than a victim all over again? I am not saying H was an innocent bystander but the OW was a very determined person! As he put it she offered and he didn't walk away but from what I watched she more than just offered. She circled!!!


You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2005 | From: Western US
baltimore
♀ Member
Member # 13766
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what happened to this thread? Is it dying?

Posts: 392 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: baltimore
TwistedInside
♂ Member
Member # 6147
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what happened to this thread? Is it dying?

For my part, I'm not sure I have anything worth contributing anymore. I don't think I have anything new to say; and the things I've said lately don't seem to have had an impact.

Besides, to be honest, I've grown weary of speculating about my ex. I've gone through all my observations and thoughts about her and the marriage multiple times, with no new clues available. As I noted on another thread, I feel as if I'm just an outsider looking in on this topic anymore.

Also, I think the Just For Men thread has siphoned off people who used to post here more often.

I'm sorry this thread isn't getting more attention. I feel bad that I don't have anything worth giving it.


Me: BS; divorced Nov. 1, 2005, after 23 years of marriage
Incredible kids: Two
Current status: Remarried! 11/28/09
------------------------------------
So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key

Posts: 2049 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Illinois
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The SAb hasn't been the biggest issue in our life lately, it's been superceded by job woes, so I haven't had much to contribute here.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
s.squirrel
♀ Member
Member # 14742
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H is SAS, and his A is with another SAS. They are "so close" and he "can't talk to me about it" and he can with her. She's "helping him to heal".

You know, it didn't happen to me, so I can never have the "been there" thing.
Nothing I can do about that, is there.


Me BS 44
Him WS 45
sons :17, 16
daughter: 13
dday1: 6/1996..separated 1.5yr, then reconciled 1/1998
dday2: 5/7/2007
Separated at last!~10/31/2008
heading -->divorce
But he lost his job in April..so pending, pending, pending.

Posts: 280 | Registered: May 2007 | From: ohio
TwistedInside
♂ Member
Member # 6147
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

S.Squirrel,

She's not "helping him heal" -- not even close. It's smoothing over, or maybe covering up.

She's providing a band-aid -- no, a diversion -- regarding something that takes a huge amount more of work for true healing.

Unless he's in IC, your husband isn't in the process of healing.

Abuse victims can give each other support and solace, but the idea that this involves healing is self-delusion -- if that's what your H truly believes. The shared background of abuse creates a common bond, but it's not necessarily strong or lasting. Anyway, each case of abuse is different -- unique -- so even this commonality is limited.

They're experiencing a false sense of closeness that may be just as much from the affair as from the idea they have this bond from their backgrounds.

Really, I think the abuse background is just a back-justification for the affair.

He can talk to you about what happened to him. He chooses not to. Even my ex was willing to talk to me about the abuse she suffered.

Childhood abuse is a serious thing that affects people pervasively and devastatingly. But it is NOT an excuse for wrong behavior. It is not something to hide behind.


Me: BS; divorced Nov. 1, 2005, after 23 years of marriage
Incredible kids: Two
Current status: Remarried! 11/28/09
------------------------------------
So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key

Posts: 2049 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Illinois
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, May 31st (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A question to SAb survivors.

How would you like to be approached about frequency issues? My libido is dropping, and maybe I'm tired of the mismatch between my desires (3x a week) and DW's (2x a month). In the past she's said she doesn't want to feel pressured, and now I'm afraid that after 18 years of a mismatch, I'm going to stop caring.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, May 31st (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I really want some more, she pr4efers less to none. Can you guess who is winning. Oh well, I guess you get used to it after a while.

I can say this, the SAb issues are winning by a whole bunch and I am in the losing seat. I feel like I am in the death wailings of the M. W has basicly given up as being too hard to do.

Just what I always wanted.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, May 31st (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you hurts,

I guess you'll know when you've tried enough for your own sake.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
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