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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's
jsngold
♂ Member
Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 4:30 AM, September 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lonerider wrote:

You get your life back when you take it back. I'm suspecting if you wait for your WW, you will be waiting a very long time.

That's the thing. Does "taking your life back" mean the same as "getting a divorce"?

I don't understand. What does it mean to "take your life back" if you are living in the same house, limping through limboland, and hoping that one day she will want to begin reconciliation?

If I don't divorce her, if I stay in the house, how can I take my life back?


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
shattered123
♀ Member
Member # 27843
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, September 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Wincing,
Thank you for the kind words. I fully intend to keep working out and working on my self-esteem issues. It is frightening how all these events sort of link themselves together to make me feel so insecure, huge fear of abandonment issues. So the low self-esteem is the one thing I can really work on and at least get to the best level I can personally attain.

Thanks again for reading my post. My therapists have suggested I write a book, which I just may do someday.


Posts: 2590 | Registered: Mar 2010
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, September 6th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I don't divorce her, if I stay in the house, how can I take my life back?

What does a life that you want to live look like?

Not the marriage you want, but the *life*?

You look out for yourself. You realize that your happiness is solely dependent on you. You realize that whether or not your wife heals is her problem. Your obligation is to take care of you.

That means that you stop trying to be the father and husband who holds it all together. You live your life true to your kids and true to yourself. You revive the dreams that filled your soul with wonder when you were a young man with stars in your eyes and your whole life spread out before you.

And you start working to achieve those dreams. You put your marriage on the back burner. You make it one of the least important priorities in your life. You do whatever it takes -- whatever it takes -- to identify and pursue the things that make you happy.

You make your wife responsible for herself. You abandon her to her own devices. Maybe it means you divorce her, maybe not, but you stop trying to save her or even hoping that she will be saved.

You take a class, go back to college, learn to play guitar, write that novel, reconnect with your college buddies, join a men's group, join a church group, go on a mission trip, take that vacation to Europe, switch careers, wear jeans to work because you've always hated suits...it doesn't matter. It's your list.

Infidelity is crushing, but it's also an opportunity. It is one of the few windows of opportunity we get in our lives to completely cast off the bonds of the roles we've allowed ourselves to be forced into that delimit our possibilities. Infidelity can transform us because we arrive a place of absolute freedom where we can start again.

Here's the thing: infidelity is an old story. It's embedded in our cultural consciousness. It doesn't matter how you deal with it. Doesn't matter if you divorce, reconcile, commit suicide, beat the fuck out of the OP, go off the deep end, join a monastery...whatever. Someone else has already done it.

And no matter what you decide, people outside of you will always and inevitably say to themselves, "After a trauma like that, it doesn't surprise me."

You've been handed a free pass by all of God's creation to do the unthinkable: to stop being who we expect you to be and become the thing you've always yearned to be deep down in your soul.

Do you have the courage to take that chance? Do you have the courage to dream new dreams?

Right now you have hurt and confusion and loss...but you also hold the universe in the palm of your hand.

You're at the crux of creation, and the universe is groaning after you waiting to see what you will become.

And no matter what you decide, anyone who hears the story of you will be saying to themselves good for you.

Good for you for saving your marriage.
Good for you for dumping that psychotic bitch.
Good for you for turning your life around.
Good for you for fighting to take your life back.
Good for you for finding meaning out of this mess.
Good for you for taking devastation and turning it into glory.
Good for you for being happy.

We get one, maybe two, opportunities so pure and golden and ripe with possibility in our entire lives.

This is your moment.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
shattered123
♀ Member
Member # 27843
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, September 6th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And no matter what you decide, anyone who hears the story of you will be saying to themselves good for you.

I absolutely love this. Totally inspirational.

The saddest part is that infidelity is so taboo, most people who know me do not know what I am going through. Even my adult children who know all about my experiences in childhood, do not understand the implications. They know about their stepfather's A, but they do not know my continuing struggle. And about how the A and the sexual abuse have melted into one another to create a kind of torment I never imagined.

I had a bad day yesterday when I thought I caught my H in a lie about something rather insignificant. This is now a no lying permitted M, so I got quite upset. He started raging and screaming, and I ended up reverting to my very bad method of releasing pain, cutting my arm. I have bloody slices all over my left forearm. Not deep enough for stitches, but very bloody and ugly. FWH ended up cleaning it up and wrapping an Ace wrap around my arm. My son came over and asked, "Mom, what did you do to your arm?" I just said I got carried away and hurt myself.... thankfully he did not ask any more. Does not know about my cutting.

I have told my doctor in the past that I have cut myself, my therapist knows that I have done this, but I am thinking I should probably make another appt pretty soon. I just hate days like that. I am now fairly convinced he did not lie. I am just hurting so terribly and so fearful of being hurt again. I have always directed my rage inward, which through my therapy I have realized I would rather do that than punish someone else for what my parents did to me.


Posts: 2590 | Registered: Mar 2010
DevastatedUKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 29109
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Wincings.

He's not reading any of the books I bought unfortunately and he's still resisting any suggestions of therapy. He does still seem to be much more self aware now and much more communicative. He's even explained when he has an unreasonable negative thought about something that he recognises that it's just his negative inner voice talking.

I'm amazed at the changes I can see in him, although my main worry is the thoughts he has about hating himself (both for what happened to him as a child and for his A - although he accepts full responsibility for his A and has never tried to blame it on what happened to him as a child) and blaming himself for the SAB. He says that in his head he knows that what happend to him was not his fault but his heart (and his negative inner voice) just don't believe it.

I guess the best thing for me to do is to just be there for him and to keep working on our relationship and our communication and to not try to push him to do anything he doesn't want to. The books are there at home if/when he's ready to read them and I've made it clear that if/when he's ready to have therapy I'll be there for him.

Thanks again x


Me: BFiancee 31
Him: FWFiance 31
Together 12 years, engaged for the last 5
A = 4 ONS with same OW in 2008 (friends with 'benefits')
D-Day: End of Feb 2010

Posts: 143 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: UK
sadskittles
♀ Member
Member # 21232
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's normal. I froze. Completely and totally froze. My throat wouldn't work. It was all I could do to breathe.
I wrote it all down and handed it to my psychiatrist. If there was a question I would just write out the answer. Eventually, I could speak again. How embarrassing not to be able to talk. I felt like an idiot. Guess what? It's normal.
How is your therapy going? Thinking of you (((sadskittles)))

It has been one of the hardest things that I have ever done. I am digging out an old box in my mind that I tried SO hard to forget. The more I talk about it, the more memories I have... the worse it seems to get. I almost feel like I am on the edge of a meltdown constantly. The smallest, simpliest things can set me off.

I know that in the end dealing with all of this will be worthwhile... I am just struggling to convince myself to keep on going.

That being said... this is the very first time I have even told a therapist about the SA. Every other therapist I have ever seen I lied to about the SA and just the symptoms of the abuse were addressed (ie. an eating disorder). Just the fact that I have opened up and told someone other than a close friend is a huge step.

I still dread going to therapy, but I am hoping that with time it may be a place I begin to enjoy going.

I am starting group therapy in October at the local sexual abuse center. The group is for adults molested as children... I think it may be helpful for me to meet other people who have been through something similar.

I really hate all of this. The fact that I have to deal with it at all makes me so sad and angry. My therapist wants me to focus on being angry at the perp. Anger is one of th first steps to healing right?

[This message edited by sadskittles at 2:04 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]


Moving on... without him and stronger for it.

Posts: 359 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Wisconsin
wincings_sparkle
♀ Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. Anger is important to healing. I'd say that you are doing great.
You have made many huge steps! Be proud that you are facing this and that you are dealing with it.

I almost feel like I am on the edge of a meltdown constantly.
That edge will get further and further away as you go. Even the symptoms will lessen as you go. There will be fluctuations, ups and downs, even some sideways.

It helped when I reminded myself:
I am not that child.
It was not my fault ever.
I will not be destroyed by this.
I will win, my rapist/my abusers will not beat me.

You are being very brave and you are so strong. I'm proud of you.

((((sadskittles))))




"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
sadskittles
♀ Member
Member # 21232
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wincings_sparkle

You response brought me to tears.

I don't feel strong at the moment, but I know there is a healthy, happy woman waiting to break free of her chains. I don't want anything holding me back anymore.

I am not that child.
It was not my fault ever.
I will not be destroyed by this.
I will win, my rapist/my abusers will not beat me.


I put this on a sticky note in my purse. When I need to remind myself I will read it. I still tend to take on a lot of guilt personally for what happened to me and that has been a continous pattern throughout my life. I trying to break those patterns and come to terms with teh fact that the only person I can control is myself. No one else.

((((wincings_sparkle))))


Moving on... without him and stronger for it.

Posts: 359 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Wisconsin
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, September 10th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of my abusers was my best friend's grandfather.

Our families' were very close, like family to each other.

I have known this friend since I was less than a year old.

He is now in the hospital and scheduled for heart surgery early tomorrow morning.

She has kept me updated, and I know she expects me to be as concerned as she is. He was closer to me than any grandfather I had.

She doesn't know what he did.

I

it took me a while to even finish this...

I don't care if he dies.

I will grieve with my friend, but I will not grieve for him.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
survivor girl
♀ Member
Member # 21552
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, September 10th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had wished my dad would die many, many times.

I'd fantastize how wonderful life would be without him --(in addition to being one of my abusers, he was an alcoholic).

Now intermingled with the horror, there are actual good memories of him..when he was sober, fun, caring..the things dads should be...

So when he died (just before I turned 16), I was SO RELIEVED as I felt I would no longer be his prisoner .....yet I mourned deeply for the good side of him...and hense felt deep guilt for wishing him dead..

It's tough. I cut myself a lot.


FWW

SAB survivor

"Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win
By fearing to attempt." --Shakespeare

"Just DO it" ---Nike

D-Day March 2006


Posts: 111 | Registered: Nov 2008
WhyAmILikeThis??
♀ New Member
Member # 28887
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, September 11th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's tough. I cut myself a lot.

((Survivor Girl)) Just wanted to send hugs and prayers. I know how you feel. I hope that you can find some healthly outlets to let out the pain.


me WS 33
BH 32
D-day 6-4-10
2 D-day complete honesty 6-13-10

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2010
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, September 12th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks, survivor girl. I have good memories of Papaw like you do of your father. Which, I guess in a way, makes it worse.

he ended up not having the surgery, because his temperature went up when they administered anesthesia.

Last I heard from my friend, he said he will not have the surgery, will just wait for God to take him when it is his time to go.

As far as I am concerned, that time has already past.

I am dealing with my 2 year antiversary, a dear friend's death, and this issue with Papaw all at the same time. Just trying to keep it together so my kids don't see what a bad place I am in right now.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
survivor girl
♀ Member
Member # 21552
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whyamIlikethis???

Thank you so much for your kindness.

I hope that you can find some healthly outlets to let out the pain.

Cutting remains a powerful tool in relieving pain. I'm getting better though..however, there's something comforting about feeling the tangible proof of my pain.

sick, I know.

Itspjw,

I am dealing with my 2 year antiversary, a dear friend's death, and this issue with Papaw all at the same time. Just trying to keep it together so my kids don't see what a bad place I am in right now.

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with so much right now. When it rains, it pours.

Try to take things one day, hell, one moment at a time...

Treat yourself well..this too shall pass.


FWW

SAB survivor

"Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win
By fearing to attempt." --Shakespeare

"Just DO it" ---Nike

D-Day March 2006


Posts: 111 | Registered: Nov 2008
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had "put away" the abuse for a while, after several months of dealing with it in IC and with a support group. IC was okay with that-said it's okay to put it away and take a break from it for a while.

I guess my break is over, since this has brought it back.

Will be talking about it to IC this week.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
HowMany
♀ Member
Member # 24506
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never dealt with the abuse. I went to a total of ONE IC about it, she gave me a book and workbook which I never opened. Ironically, the book is called, "The Courage to Heal". I guess one must actually read it and not just let it collect dust.

I've never admitted my past sexual abuse as a child, because I'm ashamed and embarrassed. My brother and a neighbor boy had all sorts of sex with me when I was a little kid. I've never mentioned it to my brother either (even though he must be aware of what he did. They did this to me for many years). I never told my parents until I was an adult. But they didn't do anything and we just act like it never happened.

Tonight I posted a thread in General. After reading some of the replies and thinking about why I allow his behavior and why I repeat this constantly, I thought maybe if I addressed the abuse, I could find a reasonable answer to this question.

Here's the link:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=372918

Is it common for people who were abused as little ones to ever just have a normal life? I've become quite good at faking it.

I don't have close friends but am social because of my job. I just don't like people getting too close to me. I plan on being disappointed from the beginning and am perfectly content being alone.

I have a very nice personality, get along great with our neighbors and family but I just really like my alone time.

Maybe that's why I don't leave my WH. If I leave him, I really will have nobody because I have no interest in finding someone new.

It really is sad that there are this many pages of people on one forum who were raped as children. Disgusting, isn't it?

Hey, do you guys ever feel like the abuse was sort of your fault? Like you had opportunities to stop it but you didn't out of some messed up mind thing?


Your actions speak so loudly I can't hear a thing you're saying.

It must have been like throwing a hot dog down a hallway with all the room in there. - Runorstay


Posts: 1289 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: In front of the computer.
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do feel like I could have stopped it. But didn't.

Lots of guilt over that.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
survivor girl
♀ Member
Member # 21552
Default  Posted: 4:11 AM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HowMany,

I've never dealt with the abuse

You must. If you want anything remotely near that "normal" life you speak of, you know you have to face and deal with it.

"The Courage to Heal" is a fantastic book. I've used it over the years. It helped me tremendously. Open it. Read a little. Keep doing that. See if it rings true for you.


do you guys ever feel like the abuse was sort of your fault? Like you had opportunities to stop it but you didn't out of some messed up mind thing?

Not any more. I used to. My dad and older sister were authority figures, I was a child.

It took a lot of IC to come to the realization that it wasn't my fault. None of it. I've finally let go of the guilt. It's liberating.

As a child there were consequences if one disobeyed an authority figure. There would be consequences if I "told anyone". It was a matter of survival.

I still harbor residual effects of the SA, such as self injury.

It was my expression of emotional pain when it couldn't otherwise be voiced. It's under control now, but still rears its ugly head periodically.

HowMany, please go back to IC. It sounds like you're beginning to accept that this needs to be delt with.

I'm angry with your parents. How dare they ignore this...

It won't go away, that volcano within you...you're feeling the uncomfortable rumblings of it now.

Take the cue and begin the journey. It is so very very difficult and painful, but the results are...are pure and right and cleansing.

You can do it.
((HowMany))


FWW

SAB survivor

"Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win
By fearing to attempt." --Shakespeare

"Just DO it" ---Nike

D-Day March 2006


Posts: 111 | Registered: Nov 2008
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, September 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Soo....

last week a dear friend died that I had lost contact with.

Then I find out one of my former abusers is in the hospital for a triple bypass and valve replacement.

this past saturday was my 2nd antiversary.

Kind of a lot to deal with, and my chronic depression doesn't help.

I'm making it, barely. One minute at at time.

I went to IC today and came away feeling much better, but then got more news about the former abuser which set me back. This abuser is my best friend's grandfather, and their whole family has been like family with our family for the past 40 years.

I want to be there for my friend, but I just wish he were dead so I didn't have to deal with this.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
island_girl
Member
Member # 22616
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, September 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone... I kinda disappeared for a bit.

its, I'm so sorry to hear about your conflicting emotions about one of your abusers. I can't fully grasp how hard it would be to want to support someone else's pain over his death, while having no actual compassion for him.

How many, that Courage to Heal book is pretty good. Maybe break out just a page of it at a time? It really helped me. It took a while because I needed lots of introspection.

I feel like there's much to say to the rest of you, but I have a hard time staying on this thread for long.


Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. - Mahatma Gandhi

Posts: 2760 | Registered: Jan 2009
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, September 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Courage to Heal is excellent and was a very instrumental in my healing.

I had "put away" the abuse for a while (IC said was supportive of me "taking a break" from it) but it is rearing it's ugly head again because of this.

This man was like my grandfather. I saw him more than my own grandfather because he lived locally and mine didn't.

I don't even know what to think right now. I have good memories of Popaw, but then...I have the bad.

Sucks.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
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