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User Topic: Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's
mumma
♀ Member
Member # 29657
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, November 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure where to post this. I just found this thread, so thought i would try it here. If there is a better way to address this, please let me now.

I am a FWW. I was "molested" (I use quotes because i don't really know what to call it) at least once (I only remember once) as a very young child by a developmentally disabled teenaged neighbor. My H and my IC know about this. I was also raped in college. the story on that is that I was very drunk and went back to the guy's room. We were fooling around, but I told him over and over again I didn't want to sleep with him, told him now, but we did it anyway, and I was too drunk to stop it. It wasn't violent. An IC in college told me this was not rape or date rape, but an "unwanted sexual experience."

So my question is, am I a sexual abuse survivor? Or something less? And if so, can anyone suggest a really good resource for how this might have contributed to my infidelity?

I haven't had a chance to read this whole thread, but I will tonight.

Thanks for the info.


Me: FWW (37)
BH: 37
2 little boys (4 & 6)
Married 11 years
6-wk. A over text & IM with two physical encounters (kissing) in last 3 wks.
I have caused unimaginable pain. I will work everyday to repair it.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Sep 2010
mumma
♀ Member
Member # 29657
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump. Can any one answer?


Me: FWW (37)
BH: 37
2 little boys (4 & 6)
Married 11 years
6-wk. A over text & IM with two physical encounters (kissing) in last 3 wks.
I have caused unimaginable pain. I will work everyday to repair it.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Sep 2010
caspers1wish
♀ Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sadskittles,

I'm glad therapy is still going well for you. I can relate with the part about still struggling with anxiety and depression and PTSD symptoms. I am not in therapy, and have often wondered if those issues would be easier to deal with if I was in IC. Anyway, I hope those issues become more manageable for you as you continue on. Please keep updating.

To mumma:

So my question is, am I a sexual abuse survivor? Or something less? And if so, can anyone suggest a really good resource for how this might have contributed to my infidelity?

I remember when I first found SI, I had googled infidelity and sexual abuse, and this site had popped up. There is a small article in the healing library I believe, that pertains to how sexual abuse sometimes goes hand in hand with infidelity, or it might have been in the first couple posts in this thread...

This has been one of the only sites that I know of that discusses on those particular issues together in any sort of depth.

As far as the experiences that you went through, even if it happened only once (that you can remember right now), or just because the date rape wasn't "violent", you are still a survivor of sexual abuse and rape.

Those experiences have shaped who you are today. What does your current IC say? Maybe you need to find a counselor who specializes in sexual abuse.


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 700 | Registered: Jun 2010
copingwithdoubts
♀ Member
Member # 21431
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me, that certainly is abusive. It doesn't have to be a violent rape ... people are coerced into abusive situations all the time without physical force.

Your molestation as a child probably has a lot to do with putting yourself in such a precarious situation in the first place. I bet if you look closely over your life, you might see a pattern of abusive personal relationships and self destructive behaviors. My advice is to seek a qualified counselor with whom to discuss this.

I feel my FWH's abuse played a huge part in his infidelities ... as a way to punish himself and relive trauma while trying to block out pain. It is not very effective! The pain and trauma he caused to me and our children is just as damaging and real to us as his CSAb is to him. This is pretty complicated, heavy stuff, and I advise you to seek out a therapist ASAP.




Posts: 349 | Registered: Oct 2008
wincings_sparkle
♀ Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, November 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your molestation as a child probably has a lot to do with putting yourself in such a precarious situation in the first place

No.
Just F'n NO.
Any molestation a child suffers is NOT because they put themselves in a fucking precarious situation!

To Anyone who was abused as a child:
YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT.
The responsibility for the abuse lies at the feet of the abuser. Not the victim/survivor. Not even when the victim/survivor doesn't say no.


(((Mumma)))
Feel free to PM me.


sadskittles:
I'm glad that you are doing so well! You should be proud of the strides that you are making! You are a strong and brave woman.
Anxiety and depression will ebb and flex. Don't forget during all of this soul deep cleaning to take care of you. Exercise, eat healthy. (((sadskittles)))


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
copingwithdoubts
♀ Member
Member # 21431
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, November 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS and also mumma, I am so very sorry. I did not mean to be callous or to blame the victim. What I clumsily tried to convey is something my husband has discussed with me at length. Any abuse is never the victim's fault and I never meant to imply anything other than sometimes abuse can trigger later involuntary reactions and irrational behavior as a result of the earlier childhood trauma. I am very sorry I said something that caused you so much pain, it was not my intention.

[This message edited by copingwithdoubts at 5:36 PM, November 10th (Wednesday)]




Posts: 349 | Registered: Oct 2008
caspers1wish
♀ Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, November 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((WS,)))

I didn't see copingwithdoubts comment the same way at all. It is not an abnormal observation that survivors tend to put themselves in precarious situations due to being molested as children, due to our lack of self worth and self esteem, etc. I think this is the sentiment she was trying to convey and not blaming mumma for the abuse.

That is the way I took the comment.


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 700 | Registered: Jun 2010
copingwithdoubts
♀ Member
Member # 21431
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, November 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this caspers. I was devastated that I was so misunderstood.




Posts: 349 | Registered: Oct 2008
GreenEyedMe
♀ Member
Member # 21452
Helpless  Posted: 4:36 AM, November 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

**ugg I did not mean for this to be so long - I am sorry.

I needed to get some of this off my chest, this writing is for my own benefit, so if you skip over it, that's perfectly ok - but hugs are always appreciated.

It's been a while since I've posted in this thread, at least a year I would guess. I took a break from SI and my SAb healing.

It is now all starting to overwhelm me again.

I am so triggered tonight I cannot even turn the light off, let alone try to sleep. I am supposed to get up for work in 3 hours.

I'm sorry for not responding to previous posts, I can't handle others' memories right now.

I don't know how much detail I can bring myself to go into...

My background:
-First boyfriend/father of my son pressured me immensely at 16/17. When I wouldn't sleep with him he cheated on me with someone who would. I took him back and for 4 years he continued to pressure me and hold it over my head that there was always someone else who was willing. He cheated on me at least 2 more times and there were many many close calls/emotional affairs. We broke up for the final time and then I found out I was pregnant. I was 19 and he had his new "girlfriend" still in bed with him when he knew I was coming over to tell him I was pregnant. Not really relevant, just another example of betrayal.
-Acquaintance raped at 28. Went into denial. Acted out, was promiscuous and reenacting rape scenario.
-Started dating WXH about 6 months later.
-Was raped by a friend of the first perp a month later.
I was trying to deny again, so WXH convinced himself that I had cheated on him. I knew that it wasn't true but it was easier to go with it than deal with the truth.
-1 year later I admitted what had happened and started IC
-We got married 6 months later. He admitted to pill addiction an hour before the ceremony.
-DDay #1 was 2 weeks later, 1 month PA that started the day after I admitted that I was raped.
-DDay #2 was 1 month later, no proof of PA, but lots of online activity - craigslist, singles/swinger sites, emailing ex girlfriends, spanning our entire relationship. One email that haunts me is him going into detail about one of our experiences and telling her how much better it would have been with her. He also exchanged pics of me for pics of one of my work acquaintance's wife. He actually had the nerve to ask me if he could before hand and did it anyway after I said no way in hell. He also posted pics of me and us together in a craigslist ad and on swingers sites. Among other things... he was also controlling and "mildly" emotionally abusive (if ther is such a thing) throughout.

I did a lot of things with him that I was not comfortable with, but I was afraid that if I didn't keep him satisfied that he would find someone who would. I expressed my concern to him and he of course pledged his faithfulness to me - all lies.

Basically he blamed the affairs on him being overwhelmed by my issues/not being able to deal with it. He blamed the PA on me not being available sexually or emotionally. He tried to blame it all on me even though it started before the second rape/cheating accusations.

We separated shortly after DDay #2 and I filed for divorce shortly after.

He tried to commit suicide about a year after we separated.

I try to keep NC but he pops onto my radar every now and then to wreak havoc.

I have been dating a new guy for almost 2 years now - as long as WXH and I were together. But WXH still has so much power over me and I hate it.

He emailed me a month ago and I got sucked into a conversation. He misinterpreted something I wrote and got mad and again turned my 2nd rape into me cheating on him. He went into graphic details and sent me into flashbacks/PTSD. I have not had contact with him since.

Jumping around, sorry

BF knows that I was raped but nothing more. He does not ask so I do not say. I flashback and trigger almost every single time we are intimate and it ends with me in tears. He handles it so well, he holds me, tries to keep me present. I have told him that I need to get back into IC to deal with it, that I need to be ok with sex again. He said that he supports me, and I believe him. But I cannot talk to him about it without him asking because I don't want to overwhelm him like I did XWH. I know that it wasn't my fault, but I don't feel safe. I also completely trust BF. He was a BS too and is completely transparent (I think lol). I have no reason not to trust him, but I still check, ya know? I don't trust myself to feel safe with him.

And I still am intimate with him every chance I get - I am the main initiator even though I hate it. I am afraid that if I don't that he will find someone who will. Again, I really don't think he would, but this is the longest that anyone's been faithful to me and I really don't expect it to last... We've talked about it just a little bit, mostly in a joking manner and he always reassures me, pledges his faithfulness. I believe him, but a part of me will always doubt. I love him, but I feel removed from the relationship if that makes sense. I panic when we mention getting married or living together. I told him I won't until our kids are out of our houses so I bought myself another 6 years... I do want to live with him and marry him, but not yet.

And on top of all of it, when I got divorced my son's dad filed for primary custody and won. The custody evaluator labeled me as unstable because I had to move back in with my dad when I left XWH and couldn't afford a place of my own while paying my lawyer. I also apparently had unresolved feelings toward XBF. I of course did not go into the SAb issues, but we did talk about the dysfunctional relationships I had with XBF and WXH... I was honest, too honest about the stress I was under and the emotional affect that the divorce and custody trial were having on me. I was and still am a great mom - DS is a very well behaved, well mannered straight A student. But we can have stress and issues and still be a good mom right? She didn't think so.

Dealing with infidelity, SAb and feeling like a failure as a mother is all to much to handle some days.

Most days I do just fine. I stuff it all away. I am successful at my job and I have a freelance type graphic design job that I love. I have hobbies and I take care of myself. I live by myself and love it. But then nights like tonight just make me want to hide in a hole and never come out.

All of that and we haven't even gotten to tonight....

Because of the issues with XWH and posting me online I occasionally do a google search of his screen name.

The second and third results tonight were for an adult site. His public profile has a whole album of pictures and videos of us. Some with my face shown. Pictures and videos that he swore he deleted all copies of when we split and again when I found them posted once after we split. There are comments from strange men and women "admiring" and asking for more. I feel so degraded, so betrayed, so dirty, exploited. I hate that I let him take them in the first place, that I let him do those things to me trying to hold on to him. And he listed his favorite experience as the one that he emailed his ex girlfriend about, that would have been better with her...

I sent him an email telling him that he needed to remove them NOW but have not had a response yet. Granted I sent it at 10pm PST and he moved to CST. But I think he may have blocked my email too because he's usually up most of the night and he showed as online at the other site at the time. Or else he ignored my email. I don't know if I should send him a message on facebook or try to get them removed through the site.

But I am so anxious and can't relax knowing that those are public and so easily found.... I want to throw up - I just noticed the videos have 31,000 views

2 hours til work.


Me - BS
Divorced

Posts: 109 | Registered: Oct 2008
lulykr
♀ Member
Member # 29697
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, November 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a survivor on childhood sexual abuse. My grandfather molested me for the first six years of my life. It was my mothers father and I was not the only one he hurt. All the females in my family were hurt by him. My sister aunt cousins and i am sure my mother as well although she denies it
My teen years were promiscuous and in my early twenties I addressed these behaviors in IC and seemed to have come to healthy place I have been in IC for this on and off all of my adult life. I told my H about this when we were dating. He seemed understanding and empathetic. The first thing he said to me on dd is I think I broke you.
He seems to recognise that his actions have had a deep effect me. It does not make it easier but having acknowledge that I have wounds that have been slashed open by his actions helps a little bit. I really get that I am responsible for taking care of me and that his choices and behaviors were made from his own broken place inside. My own painful past allows me to have empathy. I am working through my stuff with IC. She says that she wants to work with me for a bit longer before MC. I think there is a law of attraction at play.
Broken people seem to attract like
people. I am grateful that my H wants to get help to change. In ways it is inspiring and motivating to me. I want to help me too.

Posts: 589 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Gainesville FL
DevastatedUKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 29109
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, November 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Greeneyedme))) Could you contact the site and tell them you do not give them permission to use the videos? Could you maybe seek legal advice? I'm sending you big (((hugs))).

(((lulykr))) I'm so sorry to hear of your pain. I hope the IC really helps (((hugs))).


Me: BFiancee 31
Him: FWFiance 31
Together 12 years, engaged for the last 5
A = 4 ONS with same OW in 2008 (friends with 'benefits')
D-Day: End of Feb 2010

Posts: 143 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: UK
mumma
♀ Member
Member # 29657
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, November 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the feedback.

Those experiences have shaped who you are today. What does your current IC say? Maybe you need to find a counselor who specializes in sexual abuse.

I talked to my IC about this topic this week, and she basically told me what Caspers1wish said, above.

Basically, the sexual traumas are part of who I am and have created wounds that I have tried to protect and heal with various behaviors. I know those traumas are not excuses for what I did any more than my other FOO issues are. But it is helpful to learn how they have shaped me and my behavior.

I have been a victim and betrayed so many times in my life, and now, I have become a victimizer. I victimized my own husband. Now the hard work is in our hands.

Regardless of what has happened to me, I want to take control of my life and live it out loud. I don't want to be victimized anymore. I want to let it go. I'm working on it.

Thanks again for the responses.


Me: FWW (37)
BH: 37
2 little boys (4 & 6)
Married 11 years
6-wk. A over text & IM with two physical encounters (kissing) in last 3 wks.
I have caused unimaginable pain. I will work everyday to repair it.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Sep 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, November 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I started reading through here this morning after an emotional session with FWW over sex. It is clear that just as prior to dday I had minimized the effects of her mother's alcoholism on FWW, so too have I underestimated the effects of the sexual abuse and rape in her past.

Reading through I see the book "The Sexual Healing Journey" recommended. How about "Ghosts in the Bedroom", does anyone have comments on that one or others?

Physical touches including emotionally intimate sex are import ways for me to express and feel love. FWW says that for her sex was just something she did or was done to her, there has rarely been an emotional connection. Even an instance when she thought it was "true love" when she had a LTA with her boss during her first M, she realizes now that he was just using her. She says she is trying and wants to learn to feel emotional intimacy and love for me, even if she is only able to take baby steps so far. I am trying to be supportive, but I can be so damned selfish some times.

I know that this too is her issue to fix, but I want to do what I can to not make things worse, but still get my needs met and help her to develop a sense of intimacy.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, November 16th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tornasunder -

How would you compare the pain of being sexually abused to the pain of your spouse betraying you?

I know you are asking this question of BSes, but I just want to give you some caveats to keep in mind. This question comes up often. Keep in mind that this is an infidelity board - it is very likely that someone who has healed "enough" from CSA to have a committed relationship would consider infidelity to be "more painful" than that of CSA. On the sexual abuse forum that I frequent, people there are shocked that anyone could consider anything to be worse than CSA. It is interesting: on that other forum, if you ask the question "what is worse than CSA?", the responses include car accident, cancer, childhood leukemia, etc. Infidelity doesn't even come up. If you ask "which is worse, CSA or infidelity?", then you can get a compare and contrast.

There are people there who are unable to leave their homes, much less get into a committed relationship. So, remember that this forum is a self-selected group.

Second, I do believe the violation feels the same. Both are betrayals and often the CSA is committed by someone very trusted by the victim. My husband, the BS, feels that CSA is "worse" because a child has no choices (the child is supposed to listen to the adult, what if the adult is a family member or trusted friend, where do you go?), but an adult betrayed spouse does have choices.

You have every right to compare your wife's violation of you to what her abuser did to her. But you then also have to be cognizant that how you feel right now having been betrayed is like how she felt being betrayed. And she did not have the recourse that you do now.

Finally, comparing pain is not that useful an endeavor. Everyone's pain is valid, everyone's hurt needs to be processed separately. One can use another pain as a starting point for empathy, but to use it as a basis for comparison is to go off on the wrong tangent.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, November 16th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mumma -

am I a sexual abuse survivor?

Yes, you are. Any sexually-based violation of your body and spirit is sexual abuse. Your wiring was changed by what happened.

It doesn't matter who the perpetrator was: a family member, a stranger, a developmentally disabled child. The violation is the same. Maybe, in time, as you process your pain, you may come to understand that that child who hurt you was also hurt before, and maybe that will aid in your healing.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
GreenEyedMe
♀ Member
Member # 21452
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, November 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Greeneyedme))) Could you contact the site and tell them you do not give them permission to use the videos? Could you maybe seek legal advice? I'm sending you big (((hugs))).

Thank you UKGirl. I heard back from him the next day and he said he couldn't take them down because his computer isn't working (he emailed me from his phone) so after a week of obsessing about it, I finally contacted the site (had to register ) and reported the pictures and videos as being posted without my permission. They took them down no questions asked. So I am relieved, but I don't trust that he won't do it again.

mumma, I definitely agree that you have experienced sexual abuse. To me, an "unwanted sexual experience" where you

told him over and over again I didn't want to sleep with him, told him no, but we did it anyway
is date rape. You told him no.

(((lulykr)))


Me - BS
Divorced

Posts: 109 | Registered: Oct 2008
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, November 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are a bit over a year out form dday after her LTA. I am still working through my crap related her A's, but now in addition to the As and her ACoA issues, there is sexual abuse survival. I have been reading a couple of books and talking with her, and it seems like being a partner to a sAb survivor is difficult even under the best of circumstances. Has anyone out there helped a WS through this and juggled it successfully with all of the other post ddday crap? R seemed hard enough already, now with sexual intimacy removed from the table (1 or 2 times a month at best on her schedule), it is hard to feel like I am building a connection with her.

Any advice?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats,

My question to you would be: Why are you investing your energies into helping your wife deal with her SAb issues?

If you want to read, read with an eye toward what the partner of a SAb can expect to experience or ways they can give support. I don't believe that the spouse of a SAb survivor can or should do more than that, and that too often, the impulse is to do the work for them.

But it's not your work. This is something she needs to do and do on her own. She needs to find her answers and how to come to terms with it. You can't (and shouldn't) lead her to it.

Your role is to inform yourself enough to make an educated decision on whether or not it's a healing journey you're willing to take with her, or if it would be better for you to strike out on your own. At the end of the day, it's her journey and hers alone. You can't drag her along it and hope she'll get something worthwhile out of the work you're doing for her.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
WantOut
♀ Member
Member # 13960
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, December 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMFG-XH raped DS. DS spoke to a forensic therapist for 2 hours

Does anyone have personal experience in this?
i am patiently waiting for the authorities to finish their investigation and then arrest XH's sorry ass. In the meantime, my dreams are filled with thoughts of killing the SOB!!!


Posts: 1547 | Registered: Mar 2007
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 3:59 AM, December 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't been around in a while...

and I find myself unable to respond in any helpful way.

I am lost in dealing with my own demons right now.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
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