there's just too much that time cannot erase
And the more I know, the less I understand
Because of you...I am afraid...
Mumma - Yes you are a sexual abuse survivor, and the college incident was definitely date rape (no means no).
WantOut - I am so sorry for what your DS and you are dealing with.
I am a sexual abuse survivor. I have never cheated on anyone, but have been cheated on in two relationships. My abuse only happened on 2 occassions from a neighbor boy 1 - 1 1/2 years older than I, so not nearly as bad as others. Based on what he said to keep my silence, he definitely had been a victim as well.
I sought counseling in college which helped a lot with the guilt, feelings that it was my fault, and my general disgust toward myself (I made a half-hearted suicide attempt in highschool, but had enough first aid experience to cover and treat the wound).
Unfortunately, I have lingering issues with giving and receiving intimate contact outside of the bedroom. If my now WW surprised me/grabbed me in a hug I was not expecting, I would actually cringe and squirm away (this hurt her feelings badly, and I would always try to reinitiate the hugs once I got my reaction under control). My issues with non-sexual intimacy was one of the reasons my WW has used since D-Day to justify the A (I made her move out as the A is still going on). I know I will need to deal with my issues with non-sexual physical intimacy as well in IC so that I can get over that last hurdle.
Very few (outside of couselors) know of my past sexual abuse. My WW knew. I only recently told my younger brother (his wife is having an affair and we are our own little RL support group via Skype). I have never told anyone else in my family -- not my parents or my sister. I have 2 other close friends who know.
[This message edited by CanISurvive at 3:11 AM, December 12th (Sunday)]
Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.
I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)
PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity
I would be in jail if I were in your situation. I would have killed the bastard. I would have cut off various parts and stuffed them before I finished him off too. It sounds horrible but, I wouldn't have thought twice about it. Consequences or not.
(((its))) Hang in there.
I haven't been in this thread much either, sometimes I just can't and don't have anything constructive to give.
(((hugs))) to everyone.
May you all have joy and peace during the holiday season.
Mine was okay. Survivable, at least.
In this midst of it all, I am now presented with the reality that my marriage really is coming to an end. I have to figure out really soon how I am going to support myself and my teenage daughter.
I do have at least until after the 1st to act on it, but I am not going to wait until the last minute.
I lurk a lot on SI. My husband recently commented that maybe I should take a break from here, that reading about other people's pain holds me back in some way. I was instantly defensive, and instantly identified I was defensive because his words rang true.
Reading about infidelity, those who are simply WS, are broken for other reasons or simply lost their way, about BS's with broken WS's, all the misunderstandings, the generalizations, the anger, the rage. I don't know, it's like I'm self-flagellating. I look for myself in all these posts, to identify...or not, to feel their pain, their frustrations.
Why? So that I don't feel my own, which honestly, doesn't even have a whole lot to do with infidelity. Infidelity is my symptom of the bigger problem. Because the pain of others who are shattered in some way by betrayal, doesn't even come close to hitting me in the gut when I come across something truly triggery, something that hits way too close to my issues. The post about onlies. Omg how insanely envious I am that people saved themselves for marriage. I can't even imagine what that would have been like. All these posts about sex with no emotion, like it's something so completely foreign...but I have been thinking about that seriously and do I really identify with that, or am I just saying that to convince myself.
I think about the incest. The anger and rage, those emotions are easy. It is also easy to admit, I loved my father, and in a very sick way, he loved me, although rationally, one would argue, sexual abuse is NOT love, ack. What is difficult is how I loved him...and impossible to really define that love because that love couldn't possibly have been real in any meaningful way. Was it really non-emotional sex...abuse (reminding myself it was abusive). I crave recreating those experiences, for the life of me, I wish I didn't. What aspect am I recreating? I fear I romanticize the incest...is this a coping mechanism? Am I trying to take on responsibility? Am I trying to justify or excuse my infidelity? It's not simple. The incest was not my fault, I was a child. The infidelity IS my fault, I choose/chose those actions. I'm an adult, with a child's mind, perspective. The child then and the adult today...not very different people at all. But I have choices now, don't I? Resources. A voice. And yet, why does it feel like I'm still not in control of my sexual being, my sexuality, my sexual mind? It is rare, seriously rare, that the incest mind movie isn't running during sex. I am 4 years out from an annual exam, in fact, from seeing ANY doctor, including dentist with probing fingers in my mouth, eye doctor exams who shut us in a dark room 1" from my face. The child then and the adult today. Personal responsibility...which I'm doing poorly I realize.
Rationally, I know that we recreate and are drawn to what we're comfortable with, even if it was unhealthy. Is it possible to ever resolve that fully? Re-enactment is not healthy. BTDT.
Talking is healthy. Sharing honestly. Letting myself feel these emotions and fears but still moving forward. Please send me strength that I will pick up the phone and make an appointment.
Just wondered whether anyone could offer some advice or can relate to my situation?
I've been lurking recently too. FWF is SAB survivor, as is OW. R was going really well, albeit that FWF was not ready to go to IC.
On Tuesday I found out that NC had been broken. I found a text message on his phone to OW agreeing to have a chat with her whilst I'm out this evening! I was devastated! Again! The text was very friendly, friendly, like nothing had ever happened!
The day after d-day (almost one year ago) he phoned her and told her they could never have contact again. He'd even changed his number (I assume she'd got it from a mutual friend who doesn't know anything about what happened).
Anyway, when I confronted him about the text he came clean. Admitted she'd phoned him 3 weeks ago (3 weeks and he never told me, despite promising that if she ever made contact he would tell me straight away and wouldn't respond!!). Anyway, she was drunk (at about 3pm) and left him a message saying 'I can't see the point of anything anymore'. He got worried that she was going to do something stupid so he phoned her back to make sure she was ok. They've spoken twice on the phone and sent a few texts to each other.
Basically, there wasn't anything wrong with her, she'd just got drunk. She was even telling him about her new boyfriend and some new friends she hangs out with now. She wasn't suicidal or anything like that.
I think she was just doing it for attention and trying to manipulate him to start up a friendship again.
He says that he didn't tell her to get lost, even when he knew she was ok because he was trying to protect us (very few people know about what happened - my choice, also, she was a work colleague so he could lose his job if she became spiteful and made it all public knowledge) so he was just trying to be friendly and not upset her. He swears he was going to tell her tonight (in a nice way) that they could not have contact anymore (why he wasn't able to do that in the first place, I don't know).
Anyway, I was screaming at him that we were over, that I didn't believe him, how could he do this etc etc. He says he never told me because I was going through some difficult personal stuff myself at the time and he didn't want to upset me. He says he just panicked when he heard her message and responded but then knew he had messed up and that I'd be hurt and he just ended up just digging a deeper hole. He became extremely distressed (hysterical, crying) about it all whilst explaining this and trying to convince me not to leave him.
I've been through IC myself and when he told me about his SAB I read loads of books to educate myself and understand how this had affected him. When I calmed down we discussed the unhealthy bond he had developed with OW over SAB issues which caused the A (they slept together 4 times, I've posted before about it being possible re-enactment. There wasn't any romance or 'in love with each other' feelings) and how he could see that their 'friendship' was really unhealthy. We discussed his recent actions as him acting out his traumatised inner child (and dissociation) and when she contacted him he automatically reverted to that. He accepts that hiding it all from me was also his inner child's way of dealing with it (we've been together 12 years and he only told me about SAB after d-day last year). We also discussed his inability to set healthy boundaries where OW is concerned and how he is easily manipulated by her. He swears he never wants anything to do with her, ever.
Whilst he acknowledges the traumatised inner child part of him, he accepts that he also made these decisions himself and he doesn't try to blame it all on his SAB issues.
Anyway, he has now agreed to see an IC and read the books I'd bought last year, so I suppose something good can come out of this.
I just wondered whether anyone could offer any advice? Any WS SAB survivors relate to this? Or am I crazy for giving him another chance when NC was an absolute must for R? R was going so, so well before this and I was starting to feel really happy and safe in the relationship, although I would always have a worry in the back of my mind that without IC he wouldn't be able to fully sort out his SAB issues. Maybe it's taken breaking NC to get him to sort himself out. Or maybe I'm just making excuses for him
I feel like I am progressing in my healing. I have had glimmers of true happiness and joy... even though they have been few a fleeting... it is starting to give me hope that I am on the right path.
I finished my first group therapy session (16 weeks) for Adults Molested As Children. I was allowed to move forward to the next group called Sexual Wholeness. You have to be approved to move forward to this group... which basically means the group leader need to believe that you are far enough along in your healing to discuss the issues in regards to your sexuality that the abuse has caused and try to process them. I have had the first two of the 16 meetings for this group and so is it is going well.
I also still in IC and my T has recently told me she sees a marked change in me. She sees true growth, development, and clarity to my thinking and decision making. I still struggle with depression, panic attacks, etc. but I am leanring healthy coping strategies.
The black cloud that has been following me is slowly creeping away. I can hardly wait to dance in the sun!
for me his cheating makes me feel unworthy. this is sick thinking but when i was a child i was the one made to feel special. i felt dirty scared and alone. i know now i have nothing to feel ashamed of that it was not my fault. but that feeling of wanting to be disired loved feel special through all aspects of sex is still there. another part of me was i felt safe for the first time with my husband . that if i did not want sex i was ok i did not have to give that in order for attention or love or for money. when he cheated on me i felt all of that crashing in on me. its hard to explain but as a child i heard over over again how there wife did that did this i was special. i wasnt and i learned by hearing these mens twisted evil stories how disgusting they were i learned never to truat a man ever they all are cheating lying scum so when i met my husband he did not engage in sex he did not need it did not push it with me. wow he respected me loved me made me feel value for me not because of my ability a sexual tool. so i fell in love with that. his cheating has destroyed that feeling my safty i feel at fault for beliving and trusting. i feel a failure because had i stayed in the safty zone not belived him in the first place i would not be in this situation. i feel that he did not love me that my sex was not special enough and i had no right to belive that i was vauled for me. now in saying this this is emotions not fact. but going through this has brought up many triggers from my past and has made me feel that pain all over agian. i feel stuck and a emotional wreck and dont know how to fix it. i even have concidered si however i would not do that as i know these are emotions not fact. thanks for letting me vent . i am sorry for having to let this out and if i offend anyone i never meant to
i edit alot cause i cant spell ;
So sorry you are a member of this club. Read your profile; you have been through a lot. You might want to look into more IC. Two of the counselors I am trying to choose between also do EMDR therapy, which looks promising.
[This message edited by dawnkellyy at 12:02 PM, March 12th (Saturday)]
Yes, when I found out the truth about my H's SA and that he had been abused by a male as a child ... I became very concerned of this possibility. My own experiences have always made me proactive with my boys about what to do and how to react if someone tried to harm them, but if it was their dad, would they tell me? They had a really loving relationship with him until he started to fall apart ... would loyalty trump the truth?
First I asked my H who was mortified and sincerely denied it. Then I bit the bullet and had a brutally honest talk with both my boys, with the help of my sister who is an IC. She and I both were satisfied that this was not an issue ... if it had been, I would not have considered R, period.
I think this was so disturbing to me and to my SA, that he immediately sought help for his issues. Just the thought that this was a valid concern for me, because of all the lies and secrecy, was enough to cause him to turn from his addiction.
He has told me some details, from what he has said it was very violent and degrading.
This has, of course, effected every aspect of his sexuality. He has responded to ads on craigslist from transgender males. He has engaged in rape role play. His fantasies that he disussed with these others focused on humilation and pain.
When I first found the e-mails, I was out. I told him I couldn't do this and wouldn't be that woman. He later disclosed the abuse and told me that he felt that his sexuality was a bad thing and something to be hidden, therefore he could not share it with me. I was above that in his mind. Sex had always been an issue in our relationship, if it happened more then once a month, that was a banner month for us.
He is currently in IC as am I. He is trying to work through these issues and regain a healthy sexuality. I am trying to help him, while working through my own fear of rejection issues. It's is really bad for us when something triggers him mid intimacy and I start feeling rejected.
Somedays, I think we can make this work. Somedays I don't think we can. I want to make it work, but wonder if we are doing too little too late.
I have had longtime problems with initiating sexual intimacy; I have had this very real fear throughout my past relationships that someone might feel pressured to reciprocate. Having been in that position where I was pushed into sexual activity I did not want, I do not want to be the one who puts anyone else in that place.
Probably tmi, but I have always needed any sexual intimacy to be mutual; I am not comfortable for any "one-sided" contact where i would be the focus.
This stuff really screws with your ability to have sexual relationships. CanISurvive, I do much the opposite, I can't really handle it if the relationship is mutual. I'm far better if there is no real emotional attachment. Maybe an avoidance of intimacy issue?
I know my son was not harmed by any of these individuals physically, but given our family history (see previous posts)I am very concerned for him. My God, I am in shock and I can only imagine how confusing and frightening this is for him. I am afraid he will come to think that most men are sick and warped sexually. What will this do to his ideas on sexuality?
And as for me, both of the young men I know personally and am quite fond of ... one 19, one 22 ... these are just such very sad cases. It seems pretty obvious that they both were victimized at some point as children. My heart is breaking for my friend and her son, and for the young man from the theatre. I am so worried for my H ... he seems to be dealing with this pretty well, but I am just so afraid this might cause him to stumble in his recovery.
I don't know if anyone will read or respond to this, but I don't have anyone else to talk to about this tonight and just needed to let it out. If you do read this, please keep all involved in your thoughts and prayers ... we will need it.
WS was abused by aunt as a 12 yo boy.
WS abused his sister when she was 6 and he was 14- don't have all the details and the story keeps changing- he has never dealt with it.
WS has problems with drugs and alcohol.
WS has engaged in SA behaviors for most of his life, including throughout our marriage.
I was sexually abused by a female babysitter at 5 yo, and then date raped at 17 yo. I spent years in therapy before becoming a mom, and thought I had dealt with it- NOT!
I am sober 23 years, and have a history of poor sexual behavior, but cleaned it up before marriage and kids.
I have a 4 year old daughter, and am scared to death for her. He is no longer in the house and only has supervised visits.
WS has just started therapy with a sex counselor, but continues to act out.
We are currently separated and would classify things as in limbo, but not looking good.
I am overwhelmed at just how many topics I now bounce around on this site, am triggered to the point of dry-heaving, not eating, and just flat out worn out.
It is all too much. I really don't know what else to say right now, I just wanted to be "known" here.
I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.