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User Topic: Other Child
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, April 2nd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those that are personally balancing the very real emotional conflicts that occur with a BS, WS and OP who are dealing with the permanent reality of infidelity that results in a pregnancy of a Other Child.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
PHOEBE
Member
Member # 8444
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, April 2nd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to start out by saying that emotions run HIGH for any BS that is dealing with this. Please understand that they will feel badly towards all involved and that includes the OC. Please understand this in normal it will probably not last but do not feel badly that you do at first.
The BS and her/his children are the main concern of the BS and should not feel shame for it. That is who the bs should be worried about.
No one trumps the BS or the COM including the OC.
I will post some points in an edit to this later after I find the (checklist) SOME of us put together for a new BS dealing with OC issues.

Posts: 553 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: USA
grll247
♀ Member
Member # 10470
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, April 2nd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMHO an op with oc can NOT relate to a bs with oc.We tried in the last thread and it does not work.If you truly want this to work i think it would be best that op/oc be separate from bs/ws/oc.Maybe i'm not grown up enough yet but the two situations are a recipe for disaster.I think that's why JFO and WS are different forums.


through it all i'm learning to depend upon jesus.he was the only perfect 'man' after all.

Posts: 228 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: going somewhere
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Target  Posted: 11:59 PM, April 2nd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is room for everyone on this thread that are dealing with a OC.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192077 | Registered: May 2002
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our new home is nice--thanks. I also think there is room for everyone here--and it can only be helpful to hear about the thoughts and feelings on all sides.

To update, we just bought the plane tickets for our visit in May, in which I will finally start to participate. Hope it really happens--it's so hard to keep thinking of the OC as a separate person when I haven't been allowed to get to know him. Still just the symbol of the A despite the one time I did see him. Wish us luck. Then they move to Europe, and the complications will really begin.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
somuchpain
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Member # 12125
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 4:53 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)]


"Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it."

Posts: 433 | Registered: Sep 2006
Kristine
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Member # 11440
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who here has filed and is receiving CS without having a legal separation?


BS me 37 years old
WS him 37 years old
married 11 years, together 15
2 daughters 10 and 4
D-day 7/24/06
WS had a ONS in 12/05
OC born 8/06 confirmed to be his 1/07
EA 11/06-4/07 outed due to letter to OW H

Posts: 615 | Registered: Jul 2006
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, April 6th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phoebe, which checklist are you referring to? Hope you find it--I like lists, find them helpful in organizing my thoughts, which are all over the place sometimes.

In a plain of lethal flatness sort of mood these days--partly cuz H is so defeated these days--really sunk in how he's ruined so much, and my own feelings about our R do in part depend on how he's feeling about things. I know we're supposed to only depend on ourselves to "feel happy",but there is a certain feedback involved! Not that he's claiming to not want to R, it's just that he feels so bleak about how he feels about himself, it interferes with his emotional availability to me.

Anyway, not specifically OC related, just more aftereffects of an A. Will have an "update" phone call this weekend sometime, we'll see if our visit (which includes me) is still on in her mind for end of May.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
wblessed
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Member # 12797
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, April 6th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please understand that they will feel badly towards all involved and that includes the OC. Please understand this in normal it will probably not last but do not feel badly that you do at first.

I will respectfully disagree. While I agree it may be common that a BS may feel badly toward a step-c conceived in adultery, I don't think this is always the case, nor do I think it should be the case. Just like the BS, the child had no knowledge and did not give any consent to the adulterous relationship.

Not saying that seeing the child will not be a trigger but the problem is the betrayal and deceit and not the child.

And if the husband is going to have contact, I think it is crucial that the family have contact. There is no winner vs loser in adultery regardless of the outcome child or no child. Everyone feels pain, everyone hurts, even the unrepentent adulteress...even if she isn't willing to admit it.

To me a husband having c with children conceived in adultery while excluding the COM and the wife, is like asking them to live the lie, to pretend it is acceptable for a man to have 2 families.

Everyone should work toward healing and integration of innocent children into the family, slowly, cautiously, trying their best to do the least damage to the least number of people because someone will always hurt because of this. Yes, I agree wife, COM and marriage have to be a priority or it will never work.



Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Eastern US
25wimsey
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Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinking about that last post--I think for myself, I feel that the OC ought not to have come into being, but now that he's here, I don't intellectually feel badly towards him--but continue to feel badly about how he got here! And I think some of that bad feeling is persisting cuz OW hasn't "allowed" me to participate in visiting him. Only saw him once in difficult circumstances. Of course, he's cute and all that, but really is still a symbol of the whole mess, not a person in his own right. A good reason for united contact with the OC from the start, if contact is the way a couple has chosen to go.

Supposedly this will change for us in May--not holding my breath though.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
scooter3377
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Member # 11425
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all- This thread seems to have died down. I hope everyone is doing well. I know I'm not dealing with the OC anymore but I did want to post this for everyone- especially for NEWBIES. I think this is what Phoebe was referring to as the checklist.


Below are some helpful starters for "newbies":

OC HANDBOOK (courtesy Me&My3)

1. Dna results must be established and your H should hire an atty immediately if he hasn't already done so. DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON YOUR OWN ONLY THROUGH AN ATTORNEY SKILLED IN FAMILY LAW.

2. If you have children of your own with your h take steps to protect them and yourself by filing for a pseudo legal separation; because in the case of child support, he who files first gets the most (in most states). It doesn't matter one bit which child came first only who files for support first. So if she files first she gets an amount based on his entire income and if you then get separated/divorced your child support would be based on a percentage of his income less what he's already paying her. Makes sense to protect yourself by filing for a separation that way if you and your husband divorce you will benefit more and if you stay together it will keep more money in your household. Even if you're financially self-sufficient you should still consider setting up a child support order because in these uncertain times you never know what tomorrow will bring i.e. corporate downsizing, etc. It never hurts to have that order in place even if you don't need it now. Also consider having alimony set up in the separation papers as it can also reduce the ow's child support order.

3. Visitation with possible oc or sending money to the ow for the oc is a no-no until dna has been established and the courts are involved. Everything should be done legally as it's the only way to protect you and your family. Trust me on this one. There are couples out there who have been dealing with an oc for several years. Visitation, money, etc. only to discover that the child is NOT his. They are embroiled in a huge legal battle because the wayward husband "assumed" parental responsibility of the child.

4. Depending on which state you live in your h could be responsible for back child support, internment (costs of labor and delivery), the costs of the dna test if it's positive, current medical coverage and also a portion of child care costs. Any money that passes hands before a court order is made or before an attorney draws up a legal document signed by both parties may be considered a gift and may not be deducted from the back support amount owed. Some states base child support payments on both the husband and the wives income (another good reason to file for a legal separation). In other words the 'household income' is what they use to determine those payments not just the husbands income.

5. Any decisions to have contact with the oc if it is indeed your H's should be made by both of you. He should not be imposing his wants upon you if you want no contact. ANY decisions made regarding the possible oc should be made jointly. Your H should not be having any contact with ow unless you are both completely involved. That means no phone calls, no text messages, no emails, no meetings, nothing and NO SECRETS! PERIOD! But if you're smart--DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON YOUR OWN ONLY THROUGH AN ATTORNEY SKILLED IN FAMILY LAW.

6. Work on your marriage first and foremost before you even consider having contact. A weakened marriage will only be further weakened if you throw the tension of an oc into the mix. Get into marriage counseling and IC if possible. You can look around this board and see how difficult reconciliation is without an oc so take things slowly and think through them very carefully.

7. Contact with oc is a very personal choice. Many women are able to make the decision to go down that road while others are not. There is a lot of drama that goes along with contact, it's not an easy path to choose. Also consider that visitation can be started at any time down the road. If say in two years you are then open to the idea of contact the child won't have suffered if your husband wasn't involved for the first couple years. It won't even know the difference.

8. Remember that if the oc is indeed your husband's child the ow will no longer hold all the cards. If the two of you want contact she can't prevent it. She can't prevent you from being involved, etc. She can't call all the shots, only the courts can. Once she decides to attach paternity to your husband she is forfeiting a portion of her parental rights.

9. Make sure that you dot your i's and cross your t's in the form of legal documents. If you're adamant about no contact, have it in the papers. If you want to prevent her from making contact with your children or extended family put it in the paperwork. If your H is responsible for a portion of child care costs require ow to only use a licensed child care provider which will prevent her from having her momma watch and claim she's charging $250.00 a week when she's really charging nothing at all.

10. Protect your financial assets such as homes, etc. If you don't have a will get one now. If anything were to happen to your ws the ow would be able to fight you for a portion of everything if indeed the oc is his. Many people create a will that specifically excludes the oc or they leave the oc some small stipend such as a dollar so that the old "he forgot to include me" argument can't be used. If you intend to have a relationship with the oc should dna confirm that it's your H's then this is all a moot point.

11. If you and your spouse do decide to have contact document everything. Keep a notebook and list everything possible in it from the time the oc is picked up/ dropped off to whether or not they were dirty when you got them from the ow. This information has come in very handy for others in the same situation that ended up having to fight for custody, etc and it's one more way to protect yourself.

FAQs wrt OW/OC:

Q: What if there is an OC? Submitted by PHOEBE

A: This complicates so many things in a marriage I cannot answer it all but will hit on the highlights. There are many questions that need to be answered when it comes to dealing with an other child. First you must find out if the child is the H with a DNA test? Seek out a family attorney to consult with. This is a must because a family must know their rights. Too many get empty threats from the OP involved and they do not know any better so tend to believe many things untrue. Try to protect yourself and your children of the marriage legally.

Does the married couple want contact or no contact? NC or C are not easy, keep in mind wait to make an informed decision. I want to make it clear it is usually easier to heal a marriage without contact with the OP/OC initially. Contact can always be established later on after the marriage is repaired or far along as it can be in the healing process to consider contact with the OC.

It is a personal decision to include OC in your household or not. Neither choice is good or bad. Consider that it may be great to have the OC involved in 2 separate families that are amicable or it may be detrimental to the OC to have to deal with 2 hostile environments. Many times the OC was not planned and the adults involved cannot get along, take a step back and think long and hard about the child's best interest.

The OC is no more important than the COM or the BS. You do not have to change your lives around to accept anyone. I know you may want to fix everything for your Spouse but you must let him take responsibility for his own actions. DS this is some of what I have to say about this if someone has already answered it you can add it. This is a complicated situation with too many variables

Q: How do I deal with continued contact with OW because of OC? Submitted by Bee-Trayed

A: The decision on how to handle an OW/OC situation is a deeply personal one. Some BS find that they have it in their hearts to make the OC a part of their lives; others do not. There is no right or wrong answer to this situation. However, when it is the WS's choice to have contact with the OC then certain "battle" lines must be drawn with the OW, to facilitate the re-establishment of trust in the marriage.

This is best accomplished by establishing a clear understanding between the BS and WS of what will and will not be acceptable or allowable boundaries. Here are some hypothetical:


NC whatsoever with OW/OC
Contact with OC possible but with BS present
Neutral zone for visitation; no visits at OW's home, etc.
Legally drawn up contract stating acceptable parameters for OW to contact WS.
These are just a few sample suggestions. Remember, once there is an OC involved, and paternity has been established, BOTH parents have rights. Make them work for you. It is unbalancing and counter-productive to find yourself on the defensive with the OW.

Establish, with the assistance of your spouse, what your "comfort zone" and rights are with the OW, then send a clear and UNIFIED message to the OW of what you will and will not tolerate. This helps the BS to re-establish some control over a situation that is tragic for all concerned, but in which they, along with the OC, are also a victim.

Q: What do we tell our kids about OC? Submitted by Bee-Trayed

A: Many BSs express concern over telling their children about the existence of the OW/OC. Fear of emotional trauma to the COM, damage to the parental relationship between the WS and COM, or other negative consequences relating to the A abound. How, or if, a BS decides to divulge this information is also highly individual and neither right nor wrong. Family dynamics, the ages of the COM, and other factors unique to the BS's family environment influence the decision.

Relying on one's instinct is probably a good place to start. If there is any uncertainty as to the affect disclosure may cause, then it is probably better to wait until a more opportune time arises. Children are resilient, but that does not mean they should be unnecessarily wounded or burdened with this knowledge.

Examining one's motives for exposing the OW/OC's existence may be one aspect to consider. Preparing them for a possibly unpleasant encounter with OW/OC at a future date might be another. Knowledge is power, but not if it creates a destabilizing environment for the COM. Consider all options and then take your time making the decision. Choosing the right time or place, and striving to neutralize the emotionally charged nature of the subject, can make the difference between a "successful" disclosure and a devastating one.

[This message edited by scooter3377 at 8:07 AM, April 10th (Tuesday)]


Me BS - 35,
Him WS - 42
M 10/2003 (together since 09/1999)
1 son / 2 dogs
2+ years PA and EA with co-worker
#1D-day: 3/12/06; #2D-day: 11/3/06 (found out the "Rest of the Story")
4/11 Status: reconciled the affair- still dealing with t

Posts: 1553 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Raleigh, NC
Kristine
♀ Member
Member # 11440
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure who posts here anymore but I thought I would update my life to all of you. I sure seems dead in here.

I found out that H is in an EA with R. She was the 'friend' he has had for 17 years. They have told each other via email that they both have feelings for each other. She is married with 2 kids also.

I found this out the day after I invited her and her oldest son to our daughters birthday party. I thought it would be a good opportunity to finally meet her on neutral ground.

I did confront H about these feelings and he says nothing is going on and he did nothing wrong. I explained to him that this EA is worse to me than his ONS. I was crushed but naive to the fact that this was bound to happen. He seems to be falling in love with her and did not deny it when I said it to him.

I am in the process of trying to contact her H to let him know.

Apparently H's unhappiness in our marriage started years ago. A while before the ONS. I was not aware of this since he never told me he was not happy. He now says he hates me and hates argueing. He needs to learn to be my friend before he can think about getting back into marriage.

I asked him to cease his relationship with this woman and he is having a hard tie since he tells me she is his rock. She is the only one who keeps his sanity. He gets a sense of calm when he talks to her and sees her.

I was thinking of calling her and asking for her help in saving my marriage. I would like to think that she is a human who knows what it would feel like if her H found out about it. Maybe see that he has two kids and she could ruin the whole thing. And her family would go down the toilet too.

I am so tired of this. I have come to the conclusion that I am going to live my life the way I was and do all of my wifely duties until something happens.

He has not said he wants to divorce me. I do not want a divorce. I guess I need to try and come to peace that this is my life and I am choosing to live it like this.


BS me 37 years old
WS him 37 years old
married 11 years, together 15
2 daughters 10 and 4
D-day 7/24/06
WS had a ONS in 12/05
OC born 8/06 confirmed to be his 1/07
EA 11/06-4/07 outed due to letter to OW H

Posts: 615 | Registered: Jul 2006
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We all have to make peace with what our lives are now it seems, especially with an OC. Good to hear from you, K--it has been dead here lately. We're dealing as well as we can--still think about everything every single day, but try to not talk about the A and OC and all every single day--it's a little easier for us since OW and OC are so far away. But it remains an undercurrent in our lives. With upswelllings every phone call or visit we make!

Anyone else have an H who is so devastated by all the fallout that he's almost paralyzed emotionally? I read on the Wayward side that many WS feel this way after d-day, but work to get through it. I'm worried cuz with the OC factor, that particular source of guilt and pain will never go away--and I feel that what's left of H emotionally won't be very much, for me that is. And that's the part I have to come to terms with, as far as this is my life now. I keep hoping it's a time-limited depression, that it won't seem so bad someday or something--also makes me a bit angry as well--he's upset over how much he's hurt everyone and how hard it will be for the child, growing up without a father present in the same way he was present and involved for our 3 kids--but what about me? And us? I sound like a 2 year old, but it's his responsibility to help me heal and he's stuck. Oh well, hope someone's here to listen. feels good to vent here and not at home.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
thatslife
♀ Member
Member # 10507
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,

I'm so grateful for this forum. This is a unique situation that unfortunately some of us have to deal with.

Made choice not to reconcile after about a year of lies and no sign of the OW disappearing from my WH's life even though he claimed he wanted to save his marriage. Oh well...went to divorce court last Friday and it will all be "final" in about 90 days.

So now my former husband has two children from two different mothers. He is very close to my daughter, and spends a lot of time with her. When he's not with her I guess he is with HER and the OC. He has told me that he feels little connection with this child. Guess I'll never know what he REALLY feels - too many lies to trust anything he says now.

My biggest concern is how to introduce this OC into my daughter's life. I want to know (from him) how he expects all of this to work and feel like it's up to him to figure it out. He just avoids the situation and refuses to deal with it. I will be there to prepare and support my daughter whenever it happens but I want HIM to tell me how this is supposed to work. I don't want to throw this at her years from now and have her resent me for never telling her about her brother. She is two years old. I think she should know she has a brother now. I think this would be easier for her to accept. Since HE can't figure out what his relationship is with HER he just keeps putting this off.

Anyone deal with a similar situation? I guess I feel like if we don't do it now it can wait until she is an adult and can deal with the mess her father created.


Me, BS 40yrs
Him, WH 33 yrs
One Child - 22mos.
OC due in Sept 06
Married 3 yrs, together for 7

Posts: 129 | Registered: Apr 2006
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, that'slife. Just wanted to say hugs to you--my situation is very different--3 grown children who don't know about OC yet, trying to postpone telling them as long as possible. I don't feel OC has a "right" to know his half-brothers, and vice-versa, but logistically I know that they'll have to know about each other someday. (OC is just over a year).

Since your daughter and the OC are so close in age and live nearby, you will have to have some sort of arrangement for them to know each other. But you have some time to negotiate it--have to get you ex-H in the frame of mind to discuss it. Good luck.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
spiritualdiva
Member
Member # 14348
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, April 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a similar situation. My H had an OC w/ OW. The child is very ill and is in and out of the hospital often. It sucks to be in this situation. It sucks to be put in this situation by two people who did not care about anyone but themselves.

I will make sure that my children will know about OC when the time is right. They are both very young 6 and 3. It was not OC's fault that he was put in this situation. That is their brother and will be raised to know their brother. However, the OW will never be apart of my children's lives.

They will never be at her house or in the same room w/ her. She has no rights to my kids and never will.

I think what angers me the most is that I feel that the OW gets all this attention and sympathy from H. H feels bad he put her thru this and that the child is sick. What about me, what about what your sorry self put me and my babies thru. Lies, deciet, betrayal. I have to put on this role every day to go out into the work force when I am dying inside and yet your worried about her?

That's the worst part. It's like you feel you are competing. Yet you have the title. Yet the infidelity makes you feel like your the stranger in the relationship. I don't know if that makes any sense. Its a confusing and messed up situation. Then when my kids get older they are going to put two an two together and start asking questions, it will open up the wounds all over again.


No more drama in my life, I don't ever wanna hurt again.

Posts: 286 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: oklahoma
woundedgirl
♀ Member
Member # 6846
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, April 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi ya'll
My husband has 2 OC.
one is 1.5 and the other is 8 months.
I hope we can all support each other. It sure does suck to be in this position.

the baby came over this weekend. It was really hard to look at hima nd see my husband with him, but i held him and hung out with him and gave the two fo them some time lone so i too could adjust to the sitch.

The kids dont ask to be here and its not their fault, but sometimes it hurts sooooo bad when you think about the betrayal.


ME- BS 28 HIM- XH 29
8 Y.O. DD Married for over 4 years
1st D-Day 1/1/05- WS & OW#1
1st OC Born 11/12/05 (with OW#1)
2nd OC born in 07/06 (with OW#2)
3rd C born in 06/09 (with OW#2)
Divorced- 4/2008
Engaged to SO- 2/14/2010
Married SO -2/28/1

Posts: 1433 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Pennsylvania
scooter3377
♀ Member
Member # 11425
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread has slowed down. Hopefully some of you will see this post. Please encourage hellokitty to join. She has just found out that the OW is pregnant and is claiming the OC to be HK's H's. I posted on her thread to come here.

I hope everyone is doing okay.

Kristine- how are things with you and your H?

WG- i know how you feel about seeing your H with another woman's child. I had to deal with that as well and i almost puked. At least you didn't have to also see him with the OW. I had to watch my H and the OW dote over the OC together from the sidelines.

Anyway- I wish you all the best and I will check back later to see how everyone is doing. I know I am not in your shoes anymore but I am still here to hand out support and hugs when needed. I love you all. Take care.


Me BS - 35,
Him WS - 42
M 10/2003 (together since 09/1999)
1 son / 2 dogs
2+ years PA and EA with co-worker
#1D-day: 3/12/06; #2D-day: 11/3/06 (found out the "Rest of the Story")
4/11 Status: reconciled the affair- still dealing with t

Posts: 1553 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Raleigh, NC
hellokitty
♀ Member
Member # 12566
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, May 3rd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so glad to see that other people have dealt with this situation also. I thought that I was alone. The baby is not here yet. It will be 5 months and I want to R with my husband. He and I love each other and I hope that we can work this out. I have a 3 month old baby. He is a great father. I am so glad that I have this site to rely on for support. I don't know where I would be without it. I don't whether to be NC with the baby or not. But I know that I want to find out if it is really his or not first. He may not want to wait to see.


I feel empty of love.
WH has 2 OC by the same woman. Sees her everyday to see his kids. We have one son who is 2, he has a 17 yo, 1 yo, and 4 mo old.
Trying to R, not much luck even with MC.

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: kansas
scooter3377
♀ Member
Member # 11425
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, May 3rd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For anyone who needs to have a DNA test done- this is where my H and the OW/OC went. They are widely used- Larry Birkhead used them and Maury Povich uses them for his shows (don't worry- its confidential and you won't end up on Maury if you use them). It cost us about $600 (we didn't go through the courts) but it was well worth it regardless of the outcome. i had to know one way or the other. I had a gut feeling the OW was lying and I was right. Had I been wrong, it still would have been worth it because then I could have dealt with the OC head on and done what was needed to either straighten out the OW and her hold on my H or divorced my H.

Anyway- this needs to be the first step before giving any money to the OW. My H now regrets not having it done in the beginning because he gave the OW over $3000 to support a child that wasn't his.

Here is the website (there are other ones out there two this is just who we used):

http://www.dnacenter.com/

If I am not mistaken, there is a test that can be done during a certain time frame of the pregnancy to determine paternity as well- it cost more but you don't have to wait until the child is born if you can get in done within that window.

Other option is to wait until the OW files for CS and then demand a test- I don't know who pays then or how much it is.

Once paternity is established and it turns out your H is the father- HIRE AN ATTORNEY ASAP -protect your family first and foremost- especially if you have kids with your H too.


Me BS - 35,
Him WS - 42
M 10/2003 (together since 09/1999)
1 son / 2 dogs
2+ years PA and EA with co-worker
#1D-day: 3/12/06; #2D-day: 11/3/06 (found out the "Rest of the Story")
4/11 Status: reconciled the affair- still dealing with t

Posts: 1553 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Raleigh, NC
Topic Posts: 1000
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