Oddly enough, the 9 yr.old stayed with us 4 yrs. ago. OW is the niece of one of our longtime friends and I was always told his father was dead. Ain't that a laugh!
My COM really resented the OC because even then he was calling my H daddy. When I asked him why, he said I am the only person he knows and I have been there since he was born. My kids hated the OC but little did we know he knew more then we did.
Yes OW thought she would have my H forever, she has 3 older kids she gave away. She knew my H would never turn his back on these kids. She is the one that pushed him to tell me the truth because he told her from day one that I would never forgive him for this and she thought she would have him. Boy did I rock her boat when I took him back.
As far as my COM, I told them to treat these OC as kids in need. OW smoked crack the whole pregnancy with the twins. She still is a crack addict and doesn't do anything for these OC. I called child protective services and they did not remove kids but are watching her.
I am letting my kids feel how they want to. They do not have to accept these OC as siblings, not really sure yet until paternity is done and that cost $1,100 not top on my list right now. I told them if these kids were homeless or on the streets would you help them? Yes, well think of them that way, if you feel something else later ok, if not ok.
I feel more in control now that the OW is speaking to me when arranging the visits. We take them once a month and I have taken my H out of the middle. I allow her to call once a week concerning OC, but she has not even been doing that because I think she doesn't want to piss me off and then I won't take them.
My H says that he is extremely sorry for what has happened and they were both high most of the 10 yrs. Now he wants to know how does he take care of kids that he made while doing wrong. I told him one day at a time, and together.
We have an uphill battle, but OW has to deal with me because if you want him to stay in their lives, I come with the package.
Ev1 that has to deal with this is in my prayers.
BMC -- I so truly admire the grace, strength and dignity you show as you handle this difficult situation.
I know that the affair was wrong, and I regret it with every being in me. But what was done was done. Abortion was not an option and really with my family adoption was not either although I looked into due to the confussion and my age and the whole circumstances of it all. Through counseling with a speaclist and through the adoption agency I could not do it.
I have twin girls and eventualy they would know I was pregnant. My other concern was that they would question me for giving up on a child and what if I could do that to them too.
I have nc with the xmm. It is fine with me that way. Yes I feel bad for my daughter that her father is not in her life, but sometimes it's best that way. Do I believe in NC? Do I feel it's a merely selfish thing to do? Yeap it's selfish, but I'm happy with it. So although I don't feel it's best for children, I do get it. I understand my feelings in it and the Bw's feelings in it.
My daughter will be no less than any other child born into this world for any reason. At some point she will know the truth and it will be done correctly through counsel and approiate age. Again, it's something I'm not proud of but I've learned my lessons and I don't want my children making the same mistakes as I've done. I hope they (when they know the truth) will see what I am from that moment on when I took care of business and stepped up to the plate to all this.
I don't think it was selfish to have my oc. Nor did I do it to take MM keep MM or any other reason then the fact it was already done and I had to NOW do what I could live with. MM said NC and I accepted graciously. How else could I accept it? He mentioned maybe seeing the child behind his wife's back and I said no way. You won't treat my child like an affair. I know how it felt. And it was past the point of wrong by then kwim?
My daughter is a good child with a mother who loves her to death and two sisters that love her to death. It could be so much worse. So much worse.
I know it's hard for a Bw to see that maybe just maybe an ow is 50 50 blame with the mm. And although after it has happened and the mm runs from it and says nc and starts coming out of whatever he was in with the affair just because the ow has the baby it's not to hurt the bw. It's a choice she has to live with.
Dang I was 40 years old when I got pregnant with oc. I am no spring chicken (although not over the hill yet), but if this would had of happened in my 20's I may have made different decissions solely on the fact that I had not lived the life I had lived for another 15 or more years and had the life experiences I had and the losses of 8 miscarrages before my twins were born.
Nope it's not ideal and yeap I already have questions from this 3 year old. Thank Goodness there small and I don't have to go into detail yet. I don't foresee her father ever being in her life and that is his choice.
I guess I am asking you to see that we all had choices to make. The fact that we should not have been doing anything in the first place is a given. But it is what it is and something did happen. It takes two to take control of the sitch. Not just one. Yes it affects very innocent people. The mm have the choice for nc and not telling a sole and then rebuilsing with the wife. They don't have to tell there kids or family and friends. So that is one choice on his side right? When the mm and his wife choose contact well again that is a choice and then you have your families involved. But again that is a choice. And I comend the ones that are doing. I know it's hard and the ones that are doing it seem to have there own way of dealing with it.
I know I sure the heck did not get pregnant on purpose. The last thing in my life I wanted or needed was a new born. OUCH......but it sure woke me up and helped me smell the roses. Big time.
It's not a bed of roses all the time but even without her here it was not a bed of roses all the time raising kids alone.
I suspect I may get some blasting but I truely wanted to show that the ow's don't always have the child to "catch the MM" or steal them away from the wife.
I realized reality in my pregnancy. It hit me like a ton of bricks. None of the less I could not do something I could not live with just to make MM's life easier at the expense of my well being. He made his choice too. Can you understand what I'm saying? It's not something that you can do because it does not fit the mm's plans or it's going to benifit mm. It was harder for me to have her than to give her up financially, even with child support. IT's expensive to have kids. But I owned it. All of it! I took my resposnbilty for my actions and owned it. It's up to me to make sure she does not feel like so many of you are thinking these oc's are going to turn out. It's up to me to teach her right from wrong and to own your mistakes and learn from them.
I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.
We do have contact, and it's extremely difficult--OW has just allowed H to visit with me this last time (at 17 months old)--and still won't let me appear at drop-off and pick-up--it's not making everything any easier insulting me like that, but it's a way that is sort of working for us. If only this OW was like you seem--thinking what's best for the child within the constraints of the parents being two former affair partners.
It will never be easy for OC, but from my seat, it will be really tough for our COM as well, when we tell them--something I'm dreading but seems inevitable, even though OC lives on another continent. Don't seem to be many good scenarios at all for anyone from now on in--
I've always believed that OW didn't care if she got pregnant--in fact at one point she mentioned having H's baby if she couldn't have H--and I think she did think after she found out that it would push H over the edge into her camp--but I also think reality hit her like a ton of bricks as well--unfortunately, she thought she was entitled to discuss all this with my H to help her get through it. And that's where I disagree--there may be contact between bio parents, but there can't be a continued emotional affair or connection just because they are parents--and that's what so difficult for some OW's to get through their heads.
Don't know what I'm saying--trying to be rational right now, though next time she calls about our next visit, I'll probably go off the deep end over something again. Everyone's hurt in an OC situation.
I really respect that you took responsibility for your actions. Good for you, and your children. But I know I have to be able to vent some of the frustrations of this sitch. No offense to you or your choices. I hold my H accountable, and I hold OW accountable. With all of the CS crap going on I hate to talk in percentages.
Side note: going to try and quote again here.
Did you apologize to the BS in your sitch? I think that is exactly why I can't see the OW in any other light than bad. She hasn't owned up to her responsibility in this
Lets see if that works.
Yes I did. NOt at first I didn't though. I waited a little over a year to hopefully it would have been accepted versus when she was new and raw. If you knew her you would understand. But when I did she said she would never forgive me for this. I did it and she did not accept it. There is nothing more than as I've done leaving them alone that I can do.
I am at peace with it all now. I've paid my dues and then some. I've apoligized to her for my share in it and I'm raising my daughter under his terms.Well okay he hates (just hates) paying cs, but all in all it could have been a lot worse for him. I'm a very fair person and trust me when I say that he could have paid a HUGE amount and he's lucky that I am who I am even his attorney told him that.
I'll be more than happy to answer any questions that you have.
I know this thing is hard. And I know it brings emotions on all sides. I just thought that I could possibly bring a differnt side to it. I know that I did what I had to for my family and he did what he had to do for his. Again I have no problem answering questions. Just expect honesty from me and if you really don't want to know then don't ask.
...I decided that since I made the decision to keep the child that it was my responsibility to raise solely and I never went to the "sperm donor" for CS or anything else for that matter and I feel really good about that decision!
I can respect your decission. But it is my opinion that no matter the circumstances when a child is brought into this world both parents are responsible for that child. That comes way before oc ever entered this world and it's just that my opinion. We were BOTH irresponsible. We both knew the ramfaications of having sex at all. Although the chances were 1 in a million in my case still there was that chance. We had both talked about it several times and he knew where I stood as far as abortion goes and he never said that he would not be in her life, but the night I found out I knew that was what it was going to be at least my expectations of him were already there and I was able to accept that part of easily.
You actually did help me in a way to see the other side of the story but it is hard for me to see my OW as anything but a skank and a whore...anyone that can enter my home and pretend to be friends with myself and my children and then stalk my husband and wear him down isn't a good person in my book. I know for a fact that she was the persuer and she knew full well that he was married and that is something that is difficult to forgive even though she hasn't asked for that forgiveness. Maybe you are one in a million...maybe not. I can't say that I trust anyone now a days. Sorry but thank you for your post.
I am glad I was able to help in some way. I have no ill will towards the majority of bw's. I know my end in all this.
The way you feel about your ow is normal. I'm sure my bw feels the same way. Although my moral fiber may have shifted for over a year does not mark who I am today and before and (really while in it). It shifted for awhile but I'm far from a slut and have high expecations for myself. I think what happened to me (and I'm not making any excuses) is I was in a horrible marriage. I was ignored and mentally abussed for a long time. I had no self esteem. I knew xmm for 13 years before it happened and to be honest I never saw him like that. We were friends buddies and that was it. THere were things about him that I did not like. We'd gone out to lunch, functions whatever never had a though of him that way. Yes I knew his wife but was not friends with her. She is a different breed. She was not friendly with anyone. She had done things to me in the past and my xh, but that was not even a factor into the affair. Nor was it her pay back. I take full respsonbiltiy on my end for that without reasons of well she did this, so I'll do that. That is not my style. Xmm used her personailty as his excuse but that is his cross to bear with her. If she accepts that it's between those two. It's non of my business.
I never chased him or pursued him. I was wrong for acepting it I know that.
Limbo you asked:
What will you do and say to your d when she ask who and where is her father? It truly is unfair to her. I'm not saying you was wrong for your choice. Just the circumstances that led up to your choice.
I am not totally 100% sure. I do know it will be the truth. It happened and there is no erasing that. I could lie to her and tell her he is dead but then if he chooses to step up one day I'd be a liar. I went to counseling and have discused this in detail. My minister and my counseler both agree that I have to be honest with all my kids about this when they are old enough. More than likely I will lead up to it and do it in counseling.
My daughter is her dad made over. She looks like him has a lot of his traits and expressions. She looks different than my twins. They (the twins) sordof know it but don't care. They just see there sister. She has not noticed that her skin is darker or that her hair is way darker.
She knows that the twins dad is not her dad. She knows she has a dad but does not know him. She is only 3 and would never grasp a thing even if I DID tell her he was dead. See what I am saying? It's just to early.
If she met her dad today she would do what she does with all strangers, hide behind my leg and be shy. Then when he was gone she would give me a weird look and say that is my dad? She is just not at an age of understanding this.
I also look at her sitch and it could be so much worse.
She is a good child (well she is 3. As much as a 3 year old can be ) and she has no real issues. I don't forsee her having any over this as I've tried very hard to be it all. I know there will be challenges in the future and I will cross that bridge and handle it the best I can.
With any kid there are NO gaurntees. It's a scary world out there now for kids.
I know that some women have children for different reasons. But in my situation, this woman knew my family, I gave her a place to live back in '98 when she was homeless after she had already had 1 child with my H and I didn't even know, I was told his father was dead, thought I was being a good person.
Not only that she babysat for my children while I was out of town. Then she continues the relationship and has two more kids 5 years later. The relationship would still be going on if my H had not come to me and tell me the truth stopping it.
Yes she said she was sorry to me and my children, I don't believe that it was sincere. She continued to call me H between 5-17 times a day up until last month when I sent her a notice that I would sue her for interferring in our marriage and causing me mental distress. I am a very sick person and have almost died twice in the past 6 months.
Even her uncle told my H to be ready for her to dump the children on us because now she has not reason to hold on to him. Her first child she gave away at birth, her other 2 children, their father saw how bad she was living and said give me my children, she said take them. They are now being raised by their paternal grandmother.
My H told me that he asked her to have an abortion the 1st time and she would not knowing that he would not turn his back. So do I think she had these kids to keep my H, yes I do. He told me that about a year ago she asked when he was going to leave me and they would be a family. He told her he never had any intention of leaving me and what she failed to realize is that if I didn't take care of him he wouldn't have been able to take of those kids.
So now, I try to do the best I can with a situation that has been thrust upon me. These kids deserve to eat, be clean, and have their basic needs provided for. What pisses me off the most is that everyone who knew my H and OW complained and cried about how she took care of the kids, but no one call Child Protective Services but me not even my H. So what I do now is for the sake of those OC and my own sanity.
Thank everyone for their kinds words. I don't think I am any kind of hero, I am just following my heart.
Do woman have children for different reasons, yes, but I know the crack whore that tried to break up my family and I know what her reasons were.
Yes BMC you took that woman into your home and wow what a story with her. Just WOW. I have more to say but have to run to walmart before it gets too late.
I will respond BMC. IF someone can let me know if I am getting mistro and BMC confused on the stories I'd be grateful!
The OW in my situation has a set of twins 4 yrs old. I picked them up today from her, we will have them for a week. Paternity is about $1,100 for all three so it is not top on my list. If we find out later they are not his, well I have done taken care of kids in need, and I will be rewarded for that some day.
She pulled me aside to say she knew how hard things were for me and that she understood my anger, but wants to be civil for the sake of the kids. She thanked me for all I have done for them and said that I have done more than my H ever did.
I told her I appreciated that she knew that I was taking care of her children. She then told me how she is trying to get her life together and has been sending her resume out. She thinks I am stupid. You haven't had a job since 1998 when you lived at my house and that was about a month, so what kind of resume are you sending out. Said she has a job interview tomorrow. Here it comes..... I don't have any money for train fare, do you think you can help me?
Now after being suckered twice before for some money I held my ground and said no. The gull of this woman to ask me for money. You screwed my H for 10 yrs.! You have no shame in asking me for money so you can go get your fix. Well unless the job is for crack whore, you are not qualified.
I told her that I am doing what is best for these kids they did not ask to be here and my H cares about them and I love him, so if he and I are going to stay married, they come with the package.
I am not your friend, will never be. When she hugged me because I said we were keeping the OC 2 more days, I flinched. She just doesn't know how many times of dreamed of her demise.
She understands my anger, wait till she finds someone she really loves, who tells her that she is the only one and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her and then another woman comes along and he screws her. Then she may understand 1 ounce of my pain.
BY the way Maryways, I really respect you for telling your story.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 1:21 PM, July 16th (Monday)]
First time I saw OW was the first time I was "allowed" to meet OC, and we didn't say one single word to each other--H and I just played with the baby. I haven't seen her since then when OC was 6 months old; I've seen and visited with OC for one weekend when he was 16 months old, didn't see her thankfully. Now they're in Europe and we're negotiating our next visit--she has no more interest in seeing me than I have in seeing her--so dropoffs and pickups will be a challenge. Never ends when there's contact.
BMCO, I don't know if it's better or worse if the OW is trying to be "friends"--I agree that the adults have to act like adults for the OC's sake, but OW in my case hasn't stepped up to the plate in that department, in fact has been insulting to me. H is trying to navigate through it all for OC's sake--but I guess if she comes around and acknowledges that I exist when we visit, I'll bite the bullet and be civil. But I agree, we will never be friends.