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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Other Child
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Soverysad,

I am sending you my thoughts and prayers and hope that everything goes your way.

Just a few suggestions, I have been to child related court cases with my sister several times. My experience has been that judges like facts and not emotion.

Make sure you and your H have your facts and paperwork in order. Make sure you can prove what you are saying. I know it will be hard, but try to keep your emotions in check, if someone is going to get crazy or start crying let it be her. Go in there with your head high and with as much confidence as your can.

Your H may be the only one allowed to speak on your side so be prepared that the judge might not want to listen to you. I hope all goes well and let us know.
Once you are out of the courthouse, let your emotions go if you have to.
BMC

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 4:08 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
charlotte
♀ Member
Member # 3663
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every time (we went many times over a 2 year period) we went to court I was not allowed to say anything at all.

The very last time we went to court OW was lying as usual. I stood up and called her a liar. The judge said if i said anything else I would be held for contempt.


Posts: 3983 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: Maryland ES
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BMC -- thank you for your wise and kind words. H and I have documented everything and have it all filed in neat little accordian folders. I doubt that I will be allowed to speak. We have much documentation of the fraud and deceit on the OW's part; hopefully, it will speak for itself.

I will try hard to hold my head high and remember that my friends at SI are with me in spirit.

Thank you -- I will post when I can.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
crazedNconfused
Member
Member # 11075
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So H and I finally had our first "testy encounter" with OW. Many of you know my story, OW was a drunk ONS and showed up at our doorstep when OC was 9months. For the most part OW keeps her distance and doesn't ask for much. H and I pay CS and pick up OC every other weekend.

OW was on welfare for about 1 year or so and finally just got a job. She got a job w/her mom driving the city bus, but at least she has a job. When she 1st got the job she did not have child care yet so OC was over almost every day for nearly 5 weeks while she was looking for daycare...that irked me but whatever...she needed the help. OC is now in daycare and of course we were ready and willing to help pay our half for day care, even if that meant 400-500/month..but OW couldn't afford her half so she needed to find a place that would qualify her for low income. So she did find a place and its $25/month.

Of course controversy is always inevitable. This was an empowering win for us..and maybe more importantly for me. I know that you ladies will appreciate this:

so friday afternoon we get a text from OW "i need 2 know if someone can watch OC either sat or sun my work has me schedule 4 both days, let me know asap so i can let them know whether or not i have to call off" H was driving so he asked me to text her back..."OW, we gave u advance notices as to when we are able to take OC..you cant call on me every time you are scheduled work b/c we make plans...if u must find daycare 4 yur weekends due to work, we are open to sharing the cost with you so that you can work..." that must have pissed her off b/c this is what she responded: "sharing cost 4 daycare, are you kidding me!! u already got off not having 2 pay for daycare, i think it might be a good idea that we go back 2 court and get something in writing about when you have your son. i'm getting tired of this, everything cant be at your convienience"

sooo...as i've always said about my H...she shouldn't push him b/c he wuld put her in her place in a second, so this was our response "OW,...YOU got off easy b/c i choose not to be a deadbeat dad and we choose to spend time with OC. i could choose 2 not see OC at all and just send you a check if that is what you want. it was YOUR choice. take me to court if you want...its up to you, i am fine with just sending a check"

Of course she didn't text back put called immediately. H told her that we gave her far advance notice as to what the schedule was for the month of July. She said she didn't write it down, and he told her that was not our problem that she didn't remember. We keep a calendar...and "my wife makes sure we have a schedule and makes sure that i give you advance notice. Then she says, "I don't have a calender" and my H said well we can give you one...they she response..."i dont want your calendar!" It was quite the conversation. He basically told her that ultimately OC is her responsibility what did she really expect...of course she didn't respond. He said that if she really wanted to take him to court he is fine w/ finding more money to pay her more in CS and not see OC and of course she said it wasn’t about the money, she needs the help more than anything else. I guess she is venting some frustrations…but boo hoo!! Not our problem. Why bring a child into this world when you can’t afford to or when you don’t have the support system to do so.

So this was a very good moment for me...for us. It sent a msg to her that basically she has NO leverage and she can take what she gets or she can get nothing at all. B/c in all honesty..at the end of the day, we can and will do what is convenient for us! My H did NOT ask her to bring this child into this world. It was nice to know that my H was not gonna get jerked around from this absolute nobody. So whether she wants it or not, I made a calendar. We are gonna give it to her a month in advance and it will outline our schedule with OC for 2 months at a time. I don’t care if she wants it or not, she’s gonna get it so that she knows exactly what the schedule is and she will have no excuse to contact us for misc baby sitting!! Whoo whoo…one point on the score board for BW with OC’s!!!!

Sorry this was so long!

[This message edited by crazedNconfused at 6:30 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Texas
monkeybiz
♀ Member
Member # 15072
Default  Posted: 3:05 AM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

anyone's H not remorseful of the A? Mine looks like he is back to living his normal life again, minus the A. He doesn't seem to understand that just because there is no more A, it doesn't mean that things are going to go back to what it was before.

Yesterday I thought we had a breakthrough when he said he'd do everything I've asked him to do (which I've been asking for ever since D-day 2 mos ago), but now I'm think oh, those were just words too.

Before OC was born 2 weeks ago, his intention was to to be around for the C as much as possible. But now he is saying he is going NC with the OW and OC. I know that he got into a huge arguement with the OW few days ago because she's been asking him for excessive $. He left it at if you can't raise the C, we will. Otherwise apply for CS and you'll get a check in the mail. With D-day being not too long ago, my heart and mind can't decifer what is to be trusted.

wanted to add that he appearantly has only seen the OC once when they were at the hospital. Could it be that reality just hit him? or maybe I'm being duped again. I hate that I have absolutely no trust in my own H right now. I question him about the simplest thing he says.

[This message edited by monkeybiz at 3:16 AM, July 18th (Wednesday)]


me, BW - 38yr old former sahm
WH - 38 year old deadbead dad
married May 05
DD born July 06
DS born March 08
left him Dec 07
filed for D Oct 08

OW since Dec? 04
D-day May 07
OC borm July 07


Posts: 134 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: N Cal
misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crazed - I'm so happy that your H stood up for your family against her! That must have made you feel like a million bucks :)

monkeybiz - do you think that the NC is maybe his way of showing remorse and sympathy for you? Maybe he realized how hard this was on you and decided to give you some time to cope. If OW is continually asking your H for money it probably broke him out of the fog phase and made him realize what the OW was really after...not him just the money and he's given you ever reason to question the simplest things. He turned your life upside down with his actions and he will have to deal with the reprecussions of it. It does get better. :)


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, July 22nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I'm very new here, and this is just my third post but this time I have a question. My H had a brief affair with a younger woman at work (H - 42, me - 40, OW - 23). Our D-Day was 6/15/07, but our reconciliation is actually going well. Until now. Now she says she's pregnant. Mind you, she was living with a long term boyfriend during the A, and recently moved back in with her mom, after the A ended. She's been complaining that none of her clothes fit and she has a tummy starting already, and she's curvy to begin with. Thing is, she's claiming that she's only just 7 weeks pregnant. We think she's much further along and that it's her boyfriends. My H swears that he was careful and used protection each time, and I believe him. The stupid thing is...well, we are second marriages to each other. We each brought two kids into the marriage from our previous marriages, and we have custody of all of them. We debated for years (we've been together for 8 years, married for 5 this September) about having a child together. But we just couldn't afford it, or now that we can, our house just isn't big enough. And really, my youngest is 10, and I really don't want to start over, but the idea that another woman could be having my husband's child is tearing me up more than the A itself is. Why is that? The OW has been so cagey about things, that we really think she's trying to play my H, or think that he'll leave me for her, which he definitely will not do. We have serious doubts that it's his, so why does it hurt me so much that it could be? Sorry for the ramble. We even told her (due to her questionable life style and lack of support and funds) that if this baby does indeed turn out to be my H's, we will seek custody of it. But privately, I told him I really don't want another woman's kid, I don't want to see him cuddly his baby by another woman. I think this part hurts the worst. Right now, she's claiming that her boyfriend wants to pay for prenatal paternity testing, but I have a hard time believing anything she says. Aaarrrrggghhhh!!!!

[This message edited by redvixen at 7:18 AM, July 22nd (Sunday)]


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, July 22nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Redvixen, I'm so sorry for your situation--it's slow on weekends, but wanted to say hugs to you.

Somewhere on this thread is a long list of practical advice about OC's--and one of them is to do nothing until DNA is verified. I think that's especially important in your case, where OW was living with her BF.

About your emotional upheaval about another woman bearing your H's child--that's the absolute worst thing, and I don't think I will ever get over it, really, deep down. Maybe for now, until it's proven your H's, work on your marriage and R, figure out why it happened as much as you/he can, and vent as much as you want here! And vent some to H, too, give him a chance to help heal you in the area too.

It's so mixed up when there is an OC, or even the possibility of one. It's bad enough dealing with the A, but that intimacy of another child is a whole other ballgame. MC is good, especially for infidelity, but in truth not many of them have experience with an OC in the mix--

I don't blame you one bit for being so upset, after having made the decision not to have a child with you H at this point. It sounds like he was careful with the OW in that department anyway--but for now you have to wait it out and find out the truth.

Weekends are slow, but others will respond with more advice. And you have all our support.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
linbol
♀ Member
Member # 15008
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, July 22nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Redvixen,
I am so sorry you have to be here. But it has been the best place for me. Our dday are on the same date. And the same info was given to us. Do nothing about the OC for now wait her out. I bet you she doesn't even know who this child belongs to.It sounds as though your H wants to do the upright thing and take custody of this child but not until paternity is established. Sounds very strange bf wants to pay for prenatal testing wonder why. She made the choice to play now she must pay for her own clothes if she is getting curvy. Tell her you want no contact until this child is born and paternity is known. These young girls kill me thinking everyone else has to pay for their mistakes. I'm sure most of us paid for our own clothes when we got pregnant.And some of us had to raise our own children by ourselves after the choices we made. Tell her she gets no sympathy here.

Posts: 330 | Registered: Jun 2007
linbol
♀ Member
Member # 15008
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, July 22nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also felt like you do the OC factor felt worse than the A. With my situation we were working on having another child at the time. I reminded him of this fact during dday. He was floored. had nothing else to say. Work on your relationship that is what is important at this time. You can PM me if you like. with the 2 smiley faces. Keep your head to the sky.

Posts: 330 | Registered: Jun 2007
misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, July 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I've been dealing with a trigger over the past few days and it kills me!! My brother-in-law and sis-in-law had their first son almost two weeks ago and all last week they were over visiting because my brother-in-law was on leave from Iraq for his birth. I love this little baby to pieces but seeing my H with the child bothers me because of the possible OC. I wonder what my H is thinking when he holds this child...is he thinking of the possible OC or what? *sigh* I just wish we didn't have to worry about this OC at all.


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
crazedNconfused
Member
Member # 11075
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, July 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My friends...it doesn't get any easier. I guess with time we somewhat become more numb to it and numb to the situation, but that's probably it. Just had a weekend with OC and H, due to work I live 3 hrs away, it was our weekend to have OC so they came to visit. OC is cute and for the most part happy but he is about to hit his terrible 2's and well he is becoming quite a little brat. Throwing fits to get his way, flopping on the ground and crying fake tears to get his way. The rational side of me knows that all kids are different and most kids go through this, but then there is still always that feeling of..."damn this isn't my child...why the hell am i going through this!" It's frustrating. We made the mistake of trying to have a nice dinner before they left and well H had to take OC out of the restaurant 3 times b/c he kept throwing fits if we didn't give him what he wanted...*sigh* that was frustrating to have to sit and eat alone.

They went home last night and H dropped OC off at day care this morning and it will be another 2 weeks till we see him again. Right now...i just feel kinda numb, a little sad...but mostly numb.

Although...he did have a humble moment this weekend. My company had a big summerfest picnic and we went with OC...he met coworkers and stuff and on our way home. He was like..."Babe...i'm really sorry i have a baby and i have all this baggage..." It was nice and sincere of him. I just sorta said..."i know" not much can be said or done huh folks!

I feel like being an a** today...not sure why. Do you ever have those days? Last thing I need is to pick for a fight...even though I can be so good at it! Ha! I'm gonna try to be nice and be good...wish me luck!

[This message edited by crazedNconfused at 12:32 PM, July 23rd (Monday)]


Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Texas
misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, July 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugsss))) crazed


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, July 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, everyone for understanding and all the support. I'm sorry we're all here, but man, am I glad I was directed here. We go back and forth on how we feel about this whole thing. As it stands now, we still have doubts. She told my H that she's 7 weeks, but told another co-worker that she's three months - which would completely exclude my H. I keep trying to tell myself that it's my H's, might as well expect the worst, right? And now we think she's playing games between my H and her on/off boyfriend. Right now, just the sight of babies everywhere really pisses me off. And I have a baby shower to attend in two weeks for a friend's new grandbaby. Damn it all. Our reconciliation really was going so well before this complication. I guess the best thing is that this has made us even stronger together, and more committed to each other. I'm sure that's not her intention.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, July 24th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

page 4 of this thread (crazedNcofused)has the OC handbook. I couldn't figure out how to quote it.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, July 24th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

K, so I broke my NC with her myspace page again and now she has pictures of her belly posted up there...yuck I can't stand to look at it because she's still soo ugly (sorry if it's bashing but sheesh) and then I remember my belly when I was pregnant with our children and think of how pretty I looked (a little ego stroking of myself) but I guess different circumstances and stuff make a situation prettier...I remember all the doctor's visits that my husband was with me at and how involved he was with my pregnancies and I sort of feel sorry for her, you know!?! I mean yeah she did make this situation herself and basically screwed herself but it's sad. Crazy...I feel sad for the bitch that tried to ruin my life. But on another note at least looking at her doesn't make me freak out...just happy that I have the love (that I always had) that she wanted and tried to steal. So I guess even if I am sad for her stupid choices I am also a little um, like ha, ha, I won and you lost!!


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, July 24th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finally, I am home again. Here is what happened:

OW showed up w/o her 1040s. Scumbag lawyer said "What? I thought I sent those." Grrrrr. We've been waiting 5 months for these. Seems to me that no CS should be agreed upon w/o 1040s. We agreed to a continuance for court -- in Sept -- provided she sign a form to the IRS releasing her 1040s to us. Soooooo...the unbelievable high CS is continuing to be sent to her until we can prove in Sept. that she is lying.

The worst part was the day in court. OW brought the OC. We were sitting in the conference room and could hear her coaching the 1st OC to call H "dada". Poor thing. When we came out to walk to the courtroom she didn't know which one was "dada" -- our lawyer or my H. Then when we sat down in the courtroom, the OW sent OC1 to sit in H's lap. H couldn't -- wouldn't -- pick her up. He smiled and said hello. But he doesn't know her and we have decided that no contact is the best decision for our family. So the OC decided to sit next to me. I was very nice -- we were in court so we had to be quiet. But I love children and used to work with them -- so I know how to relate. We were getting along nicely -- OW got pissed and removed both of the OC in a huff. Apparently this OW still thinks that she is the betrayed spouse. Whatever. I think using your children to attempt to manipulate and/or create a scene is unbelievably selfish and unkind. What kind of mother does that to her children?

I figured that probably wouldn't be the end of it so H and I waited a bit before we left the court room to go downstairs. But the OW was waiting with the OC anyway. She was determined to speak with H; diss me more than she already has; and insist that H talk to the OC. We thwarted her plan. I saw her from the elevator and we scooted out the back door.

I know that many have chosen contact here. I respect that just as I hope that our decision for no contact is respected. I learned even more about the OW from this court date. She is truly a narcissist, perhaps even a psychopath. As sorry as I feel for the OC, I cannot allow this person in my children's lives. And to be involved with the OC would have to include our COM. My opinion is that even if we attempted contact, the OW would be constantly trying to manipulate the OC and belittling me, my H and our COM.

Hugs to everyone here. This situation is among the worst when it comes to dealing with an A. I wish that none of us had it in our lives. But I especially wish that all of the children (COM & OC) didn't have this to grow up with this.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, July 24th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs))) soverysad

I'm sorry your court date was so rough and unproductive for you guys. You are an amazing person for being able to deal with this with your head held high and your H right beside you. Even though your situation is a nightmare (as all of ours are) I find great comfort in knowing that you and your H are dealing with everything together! Good luck in September and may it come quickly for you!

[This message edited by misto1976 at 2:28 PM, July 24th (Tuesday)]


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, July 24th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Soverysad))
I am very sorry that things did not go the way you had hoped. Sometimes it is very hard to wait for the karma bus to hit them isn't it.

Believe it or not you did have a victory. To bring the kids to court was not only to get sympathy from the judge and your H, but to tick you off. And you did not let it happen. GOOD FOR YOU! You held your head up high and that is why she got frustrated. You showed her that you and your H are a united front and that she could not break that.

Hopefully things will go your way financially in Sept. I appreciate your decision not to have contact. Everyone situation is different and if that works best for your family good for you.

For me, I knew that my H cared about these OC and that is why he kept sneaking around all these years. I took that reason away. For me to accept them and have them in our home, she no longer has control. And while I can't stand the sound of her voice, I am surviving what have to.

The kids have been over my house for over a week now and will be staying until Sunday. They are having the time of their lives and I know they will never forget this time. My H told me that words can not express the joy that I have brought to his OC and to him and that he loves and needs me forever.

I was feeling down for a minute, but that helped me see that I am doing the right thing. For everyone, do the right thing for you and yours.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, July 24th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

svs, you are an amazing person--hoping September goes better for you.

bmc, it's wonderful that you can describe having the kids for a week so positively--and for those of us with contact, it's worth being reminded, as your H did, how special you and we are who can deal with OC's and even bring joy to them as you did--kudos and hugs to you.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
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