Well he has successfully had another A. This time an EA. I found out about this while snooping. It was with the woman i had posted about a few months ago. I sent the OW H a letter. He received it last week and since then they both say there is NC.
I am at the point where I am not really sure I care anymore. We seem to be going through the motions of husband/wife. More for the kids and the financial sense of it. We talk but there is not one drop of intimacy in our life at all.
I think I will be one of those couples that is married until the kids move out and then divorce. The odd thing is I am fine with that for now.
I said that this is too fresh for me and I am not going to subject myself to an afternoon of being with people who betrayed me. Him, OW, and 3 of our friends who knew about A from the beginning and helped him to get to see her and OC.
I told him I don't want him to go. It hurts me and OW is using this as a power play. He feels that I am being unreasonable. I told him if he goes, he might as well take all his belongings because I don't want him to come back if he can't respect my feelings.
Am I being unreasonable to not want to think about the OC he had with OW and not want to celebrate their birthday with her? I feel it is a stab in my heart. He says if I don't want to go, he wants to go.
I feel that she is using these children to get him back down to her house. I told him he is not doing everything to make me heal and that I want limited contact until paternity has been established.
3 weeks ago, I brought these OC to my house for the weekend. I put my personal feelings aside and I brought them clothes, toys, and food. I don't think I should have to sacifice more than I have already. I don't want to be a sucker again by letting him go to party and I don't want to be there. I don't know what to do.
D Day was 1/13/06 for me and yes that was Friday the 13th. That following week my WS had another contact with the OM and she conceived.
I am gonna fast forward a little bit. OM tried to get my wife to abort and she agreed at first. I told if she did, hit the road because God created this child and I will have no part in killing it. She agreed and we started working on our R. We did discuss adoption as an option but now the OM would not agree to sign off to allow that. I love my wife very much and we decided to raise this child on our own.
Fast forward more. 10/11/06 this beautiful baby girl was born ans she stole my heart that very moment. I love her even though my blood does not run in her veins.
In November OM decides to establish paternity and the DNA test was ordered and proved him as the biological father and the judge claimed him as legal father.
Forward to April 07 and the baby is 6 months old at this point and very much needs her mother. Judge orders weekly visitation with OM and his family for every Thursday night 6:00PM to Saturday night 6:00PM. I Have never heard such a crazy visitaton schedule. His wife stayed with him as well and we have discovered that OM has had multiple A's.
That is where we are for now. We are in the process of the psychological and custodial evaluations right now which is just a huge waste of money in my opinion. Also have remaining depositions to go. The OM wants to be primary residential parent and take this child from her mother. This has been going on since Nov. 06 and I have paid over $60,000 to this point and I suspect it will double that before it is over or if it will ever be over.
People wonder why and how I do this. I love my wife and I love my 2 boys and I don't want this family divided.
I truly feel OM is only pursuing this child for another opportunity to be with my wife. She sees it the same way and wants nothing to do with him.
If anyone would like, PM me and I can give more detail. This past year and a half has been very tough but the good news is my wife and I have truly R. Our marriage is stronger than it ever has been before because now God is the center of our lives.
Back to those who decided to R. How did you figure out how to have contact with OC while not having contact with the OW? I am afraid that if my fiance is the father of the OC then she will try to do something if he has visitation rights/joint custody. He's assured me that if he is the father, then all meetings will be done in a public place and that he won't have visitation over at her apartment. Thats only if he is the father though.
First of all, we are older, and have 30 years invested in our marriage--3 grown kids and mutual interest in being grandparents together--this was the first and only A, a sort of perfect storm sort of situation (long distance, business colleagues, business trips, attraction, her neediness, his ego neediness, etc. etc.). I didn't want to throw it all away, especially since H never was interested in leaving our marriage and made that clear to her. He is remorseful and we're in MC, and he did and does what he has to do to help me and us get through all the crap of the past almost 2 years, and the future stuff which lingers always, especially when there is an OC around.
That's the short answer--but it's still the most difficult thing I've ever done, and our new R is still a work in progress.
OC is now 16 months old and lives across the country, soon to be moving to Europe. H has never visited her city without me accompanying him, never saw OC in OW's apartment alone (once her mother was there), has never been alone with OW, and most of the visitations have been at daycare--and sometimes he didn't even have to see OW. He had lots of arguments with OW over the situation, since she doesn't want me "involved", and she had the fantasy that they would be a happy little family, if only part time. Which isn't happening. I met OC once, and supposedly this month we will start my being "allowed" to participate in the visits. It's taken a long time and lots of discussions to get to this point, but it has sort of worked. Still lots of heartache for me, too many phone conversations between H and FOW (baby has health issues), lots of angst from H about being an absentee father.
One routine we've finally developped is H calling every couple of weeks for an update, and to talk to OC, from our home with me present. OW still feels too free to call him at work, and H is trying to do more emailing rather that talking to her without me there. Trouble with having an OC is the contact with OW that is necessary--and it really is a constant hegotiation.
But most of the time it's okay--regular marriage stuff with us working harder to remain connected, just living life--with those hiccups of contact with OC. Hoping it will be a little easier for me when I get to know him as a person and not just a symbol of the A--we shall see. OW is a little nutty, and I wouldn't be surprised if she changed the rules suddenly.
Good luck with your decision making--maybe you will have a sane OW who will accept the fact that your and your fiance's R comes first.
Bmc your story really stick out to me WHY hasnt he gotten the dna tests done yet??? Tell him if the dna tests were done then you would have not problem with him attending and you along with him but until YOU know for sure the child/ren are his you want nothing to do with them as a whole. That is NOT unreasonable and very logical especially for him.
I have forgiven her just as Jesus has forgiven us all. I love her that much and I did not want to see our family torn apart and I also had 2 teenage boys that had to be considered in this process. It has been the hardest thing I ever done but I have no regrets for doing my part in keeping this family together.
I thank this friend for talking to him and letting him know that OW is not his friend, that she has disrespected me as his wife all these years and is continuing to do so and he is helping her.
He says he loves me, doesn't want to lose me and is very weak when it comes to this OW. He doesn't know how to be mean to her, I said you don't have to be mean, just put boundaries on your contact with her and respect me and my feelings. Last night I got 2 outfits for him to mail to the twins for their birthday. He cried that even after the fight we had, I still went and brought the twins gifts. I told him as a woman and a mother I have compassion for these children and they deserve to get presents from their "father".
When she call him this morning, she didn't call last night, guess she did not want more of my D.
He tells her he is not going to party and sent presents in the mail. She gets upset wants to know why. He said he is not falling into the trap, she said what trap? He said I am not putting myself an a situation down at your house. Of course she was pissed. Asked him for money again, he told her he didn't have any.
This bitch just doesn't stop. We told her there will be no cash until paternity is established, but that we are willing to get what kids need for now. She just wants cash. Won't do it! I just wish we could afford the tests, you are talking about $600-$1100 to test these children. He just got his job back and I have had 2 blood transfusions in the past six months. Just to difficult right now.
This is a big step for him, he says he doesn't know how to change, I told him it a process and it doesn't happen overnight. And neither does my healing.
Right now we will have a relative of hers look in on children until we get paternity established, if she doesn't let the OC visit.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 4:41 PM, May 10th (Thursday)]
Me: 39 yrs old.
Him: 42 yrs. old
Married: 19 years
Children: 18, 17,15
3 Alleged OC w/ OW 3,3,8
Working on R
I have 2 teenage sons, 18 and 16. My wife and I told them the truth because we felt they were old enough and mature enough to handle it and we were right. My boys are incredible and I love them more than life itself. They have watched me love this child and in return, they love her openly as well. I think if I had shut this child out of my life then I think they would have to.
It's not this child fault on how she was conceived and she deserves to be loved like any other child. I think when she is old to enough to understand how she was conceived, that will the time that I think will be hard for us all. When that time comes, I will be open to any kind of guidance I can get.