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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Other Child
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, August 20th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((t24give&tryinbutcan't))))

No advice. Just hugs.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
tryin24give
♀ New Member
Member # 15821
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, August 21st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you all for your kind words, it's amazing how many of us are in the same situation. I really have no problem with the OW talking to H, she has no other kids and is really clueless on how to take care of OC, she is actually doing a better job then I thought, the baby is happy and healthy and will be better off with me in her life as I have 2 children already and am a MOM in all sense of the word. I just am afraid that in the long run the OC will feel left out and I do NOT want that to happen, she did not desreve this as much as my children and I did not deserve this, I want to make this work and am planning on staying with my H, the OW was a ONS and I know that there were no feelings there. She is actually engaged to another man and seems to be happy... although I dont know how happy you can be knowing you almost ruined someone elses marriage? Sorry for the vent, my anger is directed toward her.. I have dealt with my H, and we are going to counseling soon, but I have not yet dealt with her.. thank you all again for listening.


Me: 29
Him: 28
Children: D-3, S-18mnths, D-22mnths
D-Day- March 2007

Posts: 32 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: PA
cghurt
♀ New Member
Member # 12503
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, August 21st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going through a similar situation. I just want to ask if you could visit my husbands website and show support for him. He is being denied to be a father to his child because the OW was married. We are now in a huge court battle and the end result doesn't look too promising. He is trying to get the Law changed so Biological fathers have rights. If any of your H's have children with married women you too could be in this situation. I think every child derserves the right to know his/her father.

His website is
www.helpmeseemydaddy.com

Thanks


Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: florida
misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, August 21st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it's amazing to read that site cghurt...I can't imagine feeling any other way than wishing OW and OC would just disappear into nothing. Good luck with your fight.


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
maggieann
♀ Member
Member # 11297
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, August 21st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am playing the waiting game as well. OW isn't due until january so we have a way to go. but the odds are good that the OC is his so i'm just going with that assumption. if it turns out that he's not the father, so much the better and we can cut this crazy woman out of our lives. but until then...

i'm relating to all this myspace talk too. OW definitely still harbors hope that they will be a family. her myspace page makes me want to puke. the address or whatever is OWlovesWS and the name was "we're having a baby!" and has all this crap about being pregnant. no belly pics thankfully but she's not that far along yet. i had to laugh a little though because after my BF told her he was done with her, she changed the name to "just me." HA!


Posts: 143 | Registered: Jul 2006
maggieann
♀ Member
Member # 11297
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, August 21st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh yeah, and misto1976, i DO wish the OW and OC would just disappear into nothing. all the time. this whole situation makes you think the most awful thoughts that you can't believe are in your own head. i could never say this anywhere but here but when OW tried to kill herself, i found myself wishing she had been successful. i hate even writing that but it's how i felt. it would uncomplicate a lot of things.

since she was not successful, now there is concern for what this has done to the baby (she took pills) in addition to what effect future suicide attempts - which i'm sure are coming - will have. not to mention there is just the fact of having to deal with her crazy ass for the forseeable future.

OW came back for the weekend to "surprise" my BF, thinking this would get them back together i suppose. it was mainly a lot of drama with the older kids (the girl didn't want to go home until he was there - even she knows her mom is nuts) but they had a big sit down talk last night. haven't got all the details yet but heard it didn't go well. OW is leaving tonight (thank god!) and my BF is going to stay at her house for the time being and get the older kids in school.


Posts: 143 | Registered: Jul 2006
dust to dust
♀ Member
Member # 12583
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, August 22nd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just wondering. For those of you that have fully R and have an OC in the mix, did you ever come to find yourself loving the OC? I know it sounds weird, but I don't think I will ever love the OC, if it is my husbands. I know that sounds horrible and I'm not a mean person. I even hate the fact that I keep having this constant battle of not wanting to love the child but yet also feeling sorry for him because it is not his fault as to how he was conceived.


dday 1- september 06, he was having a three month affair.
dday2- april 1st 2008, six months after oc was born, h finally came clean about everything.
Present day- trying to R again.

Posts: 1532 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: florida
tryin24give
♀ New Member
Member # 15821
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, August 22nd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dusttodust~ I feel the same way, I just dont see how I will come to love her,but I'm going to try, she is innocent in all of this and her mom is a nut who can't hold a job, the baby needs some stability in her life.. I guess only time will tell.


Me: 29
Him: 28
Children: D-3, S-18mnths, D-22mnths
D-Day- March 2007

Posts: 32 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: PA
cghurt
♀ New Member
Member # 12503
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, August 22nd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dust to Dust

I understand how you feel. I never thought I could love a child that was the result of my H's affair but it is possible. It was hard at first. The mother and her husband allowed my H and my family to keep the child every other weekend from birth until she was 8 months old. In the begining I would look at the child and couldn't help but to feel all of the hurt and pain from the affair. But you do overcome that feeling. You have to remember that the child is the innocent one from the affair. It's not their fault how they were conceived.

I too was hoping this child was not my H's. We did a at home DNA test when the baby was first born but I knew before the results came back because the baby looked identical to my children when they were born.
I know many of you wish and hope the OW and OC would just disapear. I never in a million years thought I would say this but I love the OC just as if she were my own child. My H and me along with my children and the rest of our family have developed a bond and relationship with her. We love her so much and she truley is a part of our family. My H is a loving father and would do anything for his children. I knew from the begining that if this was his child, he would not turn his back on her and would want to have a relationship with her.

I made the choice to stay and work on my marriage and with that I had to accept that the OC and the OW would be in our lives. This was one of the hardest choices I have ever had to make.
It is possible to make your relationship work after an affair and OC situation but it takes a lot of work. You have to put asside your bitterness you have toward the OW (I know easier said that done:)

My H is going through a big custody/paternity battle now and hasn't seen his daughter since 5/18/07. In Florida the laws state that since the OW was married the husband is presumed to be her father. Many people tell me that my H deserves this because of the affair and that all of this should be easier on me, but it isn't. No matter how much I was hurting over the affair, I know he is hurting more by not being able to see his daughter and being told he may never get to see her again.

Lies are what starts many problems in the first place and now the court system which is supposed to be based on the "truth and nothing but the truth" is basically saying it's ok to lie to this little girl when the truth is presented to them in black and white.

I don't know if this helps or not but it does get easier.


Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: florida
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, August 22nd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes Dust to Dust, I am not fully R, but I have come to care for these 3 OC very much. The smile on their faces when they are playing, taking a bath, and getting fed (things they don't get at home) makes me feel real good.

They call me to see when I am coming home from work, and then run to me when I get there. I would not change that for anything. I know that they will never forget what I have done for them and will grow up to love and respect me as a decent person for puttig their well-being over my feelings of hatred for their mother.

Do I wish my life was different? You bet! But they exist and I can't change that, the best I can do is make the best of a situation that has been thrust upon me. It is ok if you feel that you could not love the child, though they are innocent, is it a constant reminder of a betrayal. It does not make you a bad person.

Believe me I get mad and sick. When OW called yesterday, my stomach went into knots like it always does. And when my H was telling the OC their middle names, I got mad because up to a year ago, you could not tell me what school or what grade our children were in. And I think about how many times my children wewre left home alone while he was carrying on with OW. I am doing my best to get past it.

Unfortunately all the investigations I tried to get started have not happened and now I have to send OC back on Sunday to the same situation. They really do not want to go back home and I have been telling them everyday that they must go back to go to school. I wish something would just happen positively.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
crazedNconfused
Member
Member # 11075
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, August 22nd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dust,

OC has been in our lives now for over a year and the ONS occurred almost 3 yrs ago and we are reconciled, but there are good days and there are bad days. H was 110% committed to our life and knew that this was the biggest mistake of his life...I realized that it was up to me now to help with the R...I had to stop sabbotaging my relationship (if that makes sense). OC was 9 months when we 1st met him and he just turned 2. And slowly but surely I am growing to love him. He is an adorable, lovable, happy little boy who has no idea what a tragic situation he was born into. This may be cruel of me, but I will never hide the fact from him or from my own children as to how he was concieved...that guilt is upon his mother and my careless H. I will NEVER, nore will I EVER let anyone pretend that he was concieved out of some kind of "relationship".

He calls me mommy...and sometimes when he's being cute he'll come around the corner and go..."Ma?" He knows us as his parents and he is dependent on us for his care. I am expecting in about 6 weeks and the love I have for my unborn child is so amazing already. OC's life is already disadvantaged...but H and I are committed to doing our best, but of course w/o compromising our own life. I trust that H will always keep OW in check and she knows it. It's funny but at times I almost feel bad for H. Of all the women he had to get "stuck" with in this way...it had to be this low-life scum of a nobody.

Keep your head up...it gets easier. But it still burns and hurts like hell sometimes. OC is starting to look more and more like H and it hurts. But take time out as you need it...cry when you need to. But keep your head up and remember that they choose us for a reason. They made a mistake and are owning up to it (whether there is C or NC)...they are with us.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Texas
dust to dust
♀ Member
Member # 12583
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, August 22nd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all of the replies. My other question is that when your children and the OC were old enough to realize they had different mothers, how did you explain that to them? If you decided not to tell them, what answer did you give instead?
H and I currently have a four week old son. I know that if H is the father, then both kids will want to know the answer to the above question. I know we won't lie to them, but I am not sure if telling the full entire truth is advisable. Then again it all depends on what crazy story the OW will tell the OC. She is already telling everyone a false story about why my H is not with her right now.


dday 1- september 06, he was having a three month affair.
dday2- april 1st 2008, six months after oc was born, h finally came clean about everything.
Present day- trying to R again.

Posts: 1532 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: florida
charlotte
♀ Member
Member # 3663
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, August 23rd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I respect those of you who are trying to have relationships with OC's.

I just couldn't do it myself.

OC's (Twins) were 13 years old when my H and I found out about them. (I found out about the A at that time too).

They have been in in out of mental facilities for trying to kill each other and their mother.

They have been in all sorts of trouble with the law, school you name it they've done it.

I admire those of you that can care for the OC but I just can't. Maybe if I had of known them when they small but I doubt it.

This is what makes SI so special we all have different views but we are hurting and trying to heal together.


Posts: 3983 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: Maryland ES
charlotte
♀ Member
Member # 3663
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, August 23rd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just as I finished my last post the doorbell rang.

There was a deputy sheriff standing there with a court summons for my H. It has to be hand delivered.

Looks like one of them got into trouble again. I am so sick of this shit.


Posts: 3983 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: Maryland ES
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, August 23rd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((charlotte))))))))))

I respect everyone's choices regarding OC as well. Every situation is different. We must each walk our own path. My hope is to do this with grace, dignity and respect.

(((((((maggieann))))))))

I wish that I had words of wisdom for you. But I don't. However, know that I feel your pain - I think we all do - and will listen.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
charlotte
♀ Member
Member # 3663
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, August 23rd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's so sad that so many innocent people have to pay for the mistakes of of totally selfish people.

In an OC situation everybody pays.

It could all be avoided if they would use a condom or pop a damn pill, or not cheat at all.


Posts: 3983 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: Maryland ES
maggieann
♀ Member
Member # 11297
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, August 23rd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i can't believe how much things change from day to day. now my BF is staying with me again. he figured out yesterday that the whole thing with the older daughter not wanting to come home was a big sham. most likely she never came back from the other state where she had been with OW before OW returned for her "surprise" visit. nothing with OW ever adds up.

it's like this. OW was in another state with her older daughter. they were supposed to both return last weekend. OW got in very late and said she had dropped her daughter off at this underage club (she's 14) on the way home so he didn't ever see her. then she somehow ended up in another town like five hours away and was texting that she wouldn't come home unless he was there. her texts were all like "why won't you give my mom another chance?" etc. so he had to be involved in all this drama to try to get her to come home. well, the night she was supposed to come home and they were all supposed to have a big sit down talk, it was like "i'll be home in an hour" then "i'll be home in two hours" then "i'm just going to stay the night at my friend's house." while she was supposedly in this other town far away, he found her phone up on top of the cupboards in the kitchen. seems like OW was sending the texts all along.

when he called her on it, she freaked out of course. he said he was done and was leaving because even when things seem okay between them, everything with her is an illusion. she said she was changing her flight to come back that night because the kids couldn't be left alone. so most likely she was trying to get her daughter back into town to make it seem like she had been there all along. she also threatened him with child abandonment charges. she is so fucked up in the head. first of all, he is not their guardian or related to them in any way. second, the kids are 14 and 15 and legally able to stay at home by themselves. but she likes to threaten with the law.

now he's at my place with his dog and the majority of his stuff (minus furniture of course). OW sent me a couple texts, one of which revealed that they had sex. he admitted to it and said it was the last time. we are not really back together, we've just been talking about getting back together. still, it stings that he would be with her like that. but when we had broken up and he was first getting together with her, he and i had sex a couple times too. usually we would be in some big discussion and i'd be crying and he'd comfort me and we all know where that leads. i imagine this was something similar.

he had also already told me (the night she left) that though he does want to be with me, he really can't focus on it right now. he is working with a friend right now but it's not verifiable income and it's not enough. his car is broken down and needs to be fixed and he needs to get his own place. this is what he says he needs to concentrate on right now to prepare for this baby, assuming it's his, and if it's not then this is something he has needed to do anyway. he says he is done with girls and has stopped talking to the girl he was talking to for a minute. he says he has really been enjoying the time we've been spending together but that basically he has no more to give right now. once he gets his own place, etc, he will have more time to deal with other stuff and says if we are meant to be together, it will work itself out.

part of me wants to just say fuck it, this is too much drama and he's not even sure what he wants. but i also feel for the guy. he's never had a kid before, now he's having one with a crazy woman that he doesn't want in his life anymore and he is woefully unprepared. i know he feels overwhelmed and can't blame him for not wanting to deal with all this stuff with us on top of OW and OC. i do love him and think he is basically a good man and i want to give us a chance, but i can't wait forever for him to figure his shit out. do i give him a little time or walk away?


Posts: 143 | Registered: Jul 2006
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, August 23rd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Read what you just wrote Maggieann, then try to find your own quiet place - inside yourself. Think this through. If you think this drama will ever end, you are mistaken. Listen. Take care of YOU.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
monkeybiz
♀ Member
Member # 15072
Concerned  Posted: 3:55 AM, August 26th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there anyone here who doesn't pay CS? OW has 3 kids from her marriage (has been separated for few years now), and she'd rather not file CS than to give up any kind of legal custody. Works out for them, because her estranged husband lives in another country.

Her 4th child, the OC with my H is just 2 months old. She has indicated before she'd also rather not file for CS than to have to share custody with us. H decided on NC at 2 weeks, and we have not filed for anything legal. I have to wonder, where is this going? We would never deny CS if she needs it and files for it, but it's silly to send her money if she doesn't want/need it. Yet at the same time, I don't want to live in fear that years from now, we get hit with huge back pay.


me, BW - 38yr old former sahm
WH - 38 year old deadbead dad
married May 05
DD born July 06
DS born March 08
left him Dec 07
filed for D Oct 08

OW since Dec? 04
D-day May 07
OC borm July 07


Posts: 134 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: N Cal
monkeybiz
♀ Member
Member # 15072
Concerned  Posted: 3:56 AM, August 26th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also have a Q... OW never filed for divorce or legal separation from her estranged H. So from my understanding, in our state of Texas, the father of OC would legally be OW's estranged H. How is it that the OC can have our last name? Does the state allow the mom to randomly choose last names for the baby? Does anyone know?

[This message edited by monkeybiz at 4:02 AM, August 26th (Sunday)]


me, BW - 38yr old former sahm
WH - 38 year old deadbead dad
married May 05
DD born July 06
DS born March 08
left him Dec 07
filed for D Oct 08

OW since Dec? 04
D-day May 07
OC borm July 07


Posts: 134 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: N Cal
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