It is my understanding, although I am not a lawyer, that if a woman is married then the law assumes that the husband is the father. Typically, the husband would have a certain amount of time to contest paternity. I don't know how it would work if the husband can prove he was out of the country at all times during the time of conception for the 4th child.
Did your husband sign an acknowledgement of paternity? Has there been any DNA testing done? Mothers can put whatever last name they want on a birth certificate -- supposedly they shouldn't be able to put down any man as the father, although very often women do and get away with it. Is your husband listed as father on the child's birth certificate?
Do not sign anything or send any money until you have proof that your husband is the father -- dna testing. If he sends money, that could actually be used later to prove that he took responsibility as father - even if an eventual DNA test proves that he is not. Also, many courts will not credit money sent before a CS court order was entered - so you would be out that money and still owe arrearage.
This CS thing is very tricky. Each state has different guidelines and laws. Consult an attorney who specializes in family law and CS. This attorney is just to help you understand your h's rights and responsibilities, not necessarily to file anything, especially if you have decided to go NC. There can be benefits to remaining silent.
If she doesn't want to do anything with us, why would she give the OC our last name?? We are in the dark about what this OW is going to do. She has already filed for wrongful termination (H was employer) even though she quit on her own since my H was supporting her at the time. She followed me from his work one time too.
OW since Dec? 04
D-day May 07
OC borm July 07
Has anyone else been down the road where OW wants adoption? I know it's possible to force her to terminate her parental rights because of mental illness but don't know how difficult that is. I know she has a history of bipolar disorder, she's taken lots of meds, she was hospitalized for a couple years when she was younger and was hospitalized again just a couple weeks ago when she took a bunch of pills to try to kill herself.
I talked to him a little bit about the possibility of open adoption and he was sort of thinking about it. he knows he's not ready to care for a child and wants nothing to do with OW.
I am in Florida and in our state, if the mother was married at the time of birth the husband is presumed to be the legal father. The mother however can name the child what ever she wishes however on the birth certificate she has to list either her husband or state unknown on the father section. My husband also has a DNA test from a private company which was done right after the baby was born. The mother allowed my H to see his child everyother weekend and 3-4 times during the week. In may the OW and her H decided not to let us see the child any longer and we had to go retain an attorney. We figured it would be a cut and dry case since we had a DNA test already. But we were told that because the mother was married my H's child is legally the child of the OW's H. The judge will not even allow a court ordered DNA test or even hear our side of the story. The judge asked the OW a few questions in court and basically took her word for everything. She said she didn't allow the DNA test and that we were only babysitting for her for the last 8 months.
So if Texas Judges are anything like Florida's Judges you may be in for a long legal battle.
It's very confusing for me since the OC is not my blood, and NC was decided solely by my H. My biggest fear... even more than getting hit with backpay in CS 18 years from now.... is if my H decides in the future that he made the wrong decision and wants a relationship with this child. There is no way OW will let him be a father at the point, and legally he would be screwed just like your H's situation right now. NC is fine and dandy if it's going to stay that way, but how can that be guaranteed? On a selfish note, we are still working on R and I don't know how I'd feel or deal with OC if years pass by with NC and then he pops into our lives again.
I know my H is trying really hard, but some days I still find myself contemplating whether I'd have a better life on my own. Am I crazy for thinking that?
My H found out in 2003 about Twin OC's that were born in 1990.
OW was married when OC's were born. OC's were given her H's last name.
OW and her H divorced in 1994.
OW's XH demanded DNA in 2003. DNA proved her XH was not the father.
My H was ordered to take DNA tests in 2004. DNA proved my H was the bio Father of twin OC's.
The Judge declared my H the father and he was ordered to pay child support.
The Judge said it was a bad situation since my H did not know about OC's and had never met them. She said the law cannot force him to have a relationship with them but the law can force him to pay support.
OW's XH was removed as the father.
My H was not ordered to pay any back support.
He had to start paying support from the date the DNA tests proved he is the father.
I'm not sure how long your parents have had to process your situation but maybe this is just their knee-jerk reaction to your H hurting you with the ONS. Imagine if your daughter were in the same situation...you might want to punish her H for hurting your little girl and that maybe what your parents are thinking. If this is new give them time and talk to them. Make them understand that you are okay with this and you don't want to exile this child from your family but include him/her. I think eventually they will come around when the shock of the situation dulls a bit.
So...no worries. They will come around.
I understand. I found out in March as well and I did get alot of disapproval for trying to R, especially since there are 3 OC and how long he deceived me.
But after these months have passed, my family is trying to be forgiving and respect my decision to give my marriage another try. I have had the OC for most of the summer and they attended several family functions with me. It made me feel real good when my whole family made these OC feel welcomed.
The OC even call my grandmother, grandma and my aunts and uncles by that title. With everything they are going through at home, they really need to feel apart of somethin and I am glad that my family could look beyond the A and realize that these are innocent children. It is an up and down battle everyday, but sometimes it gets easier with the passing of time.
Hopefully your parents will realize that this OC and your marriage are important to you and respect your relationship and decisions.
So he and I are still in the same place: talking about R but he feels he has too much on his plate (needs to make money and get a place before this baby comes) right now to deal with girls. He feels like he shouldn't divert his attention from what he needs to do.
I say "girls" because he had been talking to this other girl but it was nothing serious. Then OW started texting and calling this other girl and harassing her until she didn't want to deal with it anymore. BF told me I didn't have to worry about her because she told him they should "chill out."
BUT he has been texting other girl. he again said i didn't need to worry about it because she doesn't even want to talk to him "right now" but he's still texting her. he left his email account open and i peeked. he had erased everything from his inbox, but i looked in the sent items and saw his texts to other girl. it was all stuff about how she's the most amazing woman he has ever met and he just feels this connection with her that he can't just walk away from and he will have to let his actions show her (what?) and how much he misses her and "goodnight pretty eyes."
now her replies were pretty bland, noncommittal. no "i miss you too" or anything like that. she really never even responded to the stuff he said. she would just say "oh, i was at the gym" or something. so it seems like she's probably not interested anyway. but does it matter? i'm hurt that he's (at least in words) putting in all this effort to try to get her to be with him while telling me he can't deal with this stuff right now. i can't really confront him with what he said though because i don't want to admit to reading his emails.
i don't get it. he barely knows this girl yet he's all "you're the most amazing woman" etc? and if that's what he thinks about her then what does he think about me? i haven't heard him tell me he's going to show me through his actions that he really wants to be with me or whatever. is it just because i'm around all the time?
i don't know how i should feel. we're not back together and we're just talking about R. i know he has a lot on his plate right now and i'm sure his head is all over the place. maybe he doesn't even know what he wants. i'm reluctant to try to have a big heart to heart with him about us because his life is all stress all the time right now and i don't want to contribute to that. do i just let it go and give him some time? or am i setting myself up to look like the fool?
>> do i just let it go and give him some time?
I know I'm still trying to put my life back together, but your posts are really disheartening to read. I think you need to give yourself a break and let him deal with his own problems. Not only does is he ready to be a parent, he is not even ready for a relationship. Please don't get offended... but that's what I'm getting from your posts.
I am so sorry for what you are going thru. I agree, u need to step back a little and take care of yourself. He is still in the fog if he is sending those kind of messages to another woman.
It is like I have come to know, anyone who takes the attention, or emotional support away from u is dangerous to your relationship. It is hard for us sometimes to realize that they created this mess and that they have to take responsiblity for it. I know I am guilty of that as well.
Maybe the 180 would be a good solution so that he can decide what he wants. Good luck to you. You deserve to be the only one in his life, and all of us here deserve the same thing in our relationships.
I had to take OC back on Sunday. They really did not want to go back home and I knew I would have to send food or they would not eat for 5 days until she got her check. Of course she still has not gotten her electric and gas turned back on. She has had the money 3 times!
I am just so frustrated! I have reported this OW to Child Protective Services, twice, Social Security for SSI fraud, and Housing for code violations to try and save these OC from the life that they are dealing with.
I have had OC for most of the summer because they were starving, had insect bites all over them and were dirty.
None of these calls have produced any action. I don't know what else to do but take care of them while they are with us and pray for them when they are home.
And to top things off, my sister calls today and tells me that the courts have given custody of her 3 boys back to their abusive father. CPS testified against him, the police testified against him, and he had a restraining order for beating one of the children so bad he was hospitalized.
My sister had been fighting for ten years! I am really concerned because the boys are teenagers and they will not take the beatings anymore, someone is going to get killed. The judge said that the beating incident is isolated?! When is the welfare of the children going to matter! You think you have a good case or information that will make a difference, and you just get knocked down.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 7:00 AM, August 30th (Thursday)]
Go to the Healing Library which explains the 180. Some people have done the 180 will still living with the other person. It is more about putting your needs first and letting them see that you can survive.
Actually, I sort of started last night because a bunch of people were going out after work for a goodbye for one of the staff. I went home for about an hour and wasn't sure I was going to go but I did in the end.
Just a question: I didn't really see this on the list but what about doing things for him? I'm thinking like dinner and laundry. I'm doing them for myself as well, but he benefits. Should I only make dinner for myself and only do my own laundry?
Tryin- It seems like there's more going on than what your H is admitting to.
I think (((hugs))) to all are in order!