Welcome to our club. None of us want to be here but we try to make it through this ordeal gracefully.
The weekends are slow for this thread. We had another thread but we filled it up.
You can go back and find it, there are alot of good tips for getting through on it.
I never found out about the A or the OC's until 2003. Talk about a nightmare.
Anyway I just wanted to say welcome.
Been welcome back. And Aunt welcome here. This is the place to voice your opinions and feelings no matter what they are. Everyone may not agree with what you say, but I am glad that you are not going to let that stop you from posting. I know that this situation is hardest on the spouse who thru no fault of their own is now dealing with a situation that has been thrust upon them.
I know that everyone got a little upset about the Child support issue a little while ago. I do agree, it does seem to not be fair to the BS and COM and yes I know that WS made a mistake, but his whole family should not have to pay for it. Now the H is working so much to meet obligations, they still don't have time for their family. Where is the justice in that?
In a way I am grateful that I am able to control my situation to an extent. I use between 20%-30% of my H monthly income on OC so that she will not go to court. And if she did, it would be worse for her because all of the drug issues and her home life would be brought into question.
So I am civil when I see her, I pick up the OC for visits. I make sure they are washed, fed, and have fun. I send home food and clothing. I tolerate her again when I drop OC back home. She always ask for money each time after I have repeatly said that no cash will be exchanged.
And I do my best not to think about her again until the next time I get the OC. Last week, she started calling my H again, and I sent her a text message letting her know that I have been civil to you for the sake of the OC but if you don't limit your contact with my H, I can become the B**** I was at first.She doesn't want me to stop getting the OC so she stopped calling him so much.
The twins are 4 so I have a lifetime to deal with this. Even my mother said that I now sound better now that these OC are in my life. I can say that they are helping me focus on something other than how sick I am.
I am getting ready to have surgery in about 4 weeks and will be bedridden for about 2 months. I won't be able to pick up the OC during that time. That will be hard because they now consider themselves a part of this family. I might have my oldest go pick them up.
Now I am not trying to compete with OW, but I can say that these OC have more love and respect for me. Even at a young age kids know who takes care of them and shows them natural love.
When we dropped of the OC last Sunday, my 3 kids and 2 of their boyfriends came along. The OC kept making excuses not to go back home. Mommy is sleep, she locked the door, she is not home. I gently told them that she is waiting for them and I will pick them up again for a visit. Then the OW comes down the steps when we pull up and sticks her arms out and says "my babies". The twins walk right past her and start hugging my daugthers. She was very hurt by that, I did my best not to laugh out loud. Then while the OW stood there looking stupid, the OC proceeded to have individual hugs and then a group hug with all my kids and their boyfriends for like 10 minutes.
It made me feel so good to see the love and concern among my kids and the OC. I know that this is killing the OW. I was pissed that after I brought school supplies for the twins that she didn't even send them to school. She lied to me and said that they had been in school for 2 weeks. When the twins told us that they had not been in school, my H calls her and she says there was a mix up and that they will start school that Monday. I still don't know if she sent them to school. Everytime I talk to the twins about what we taught them during their visit (colors, ABC, numbers), she always has to chip in and say yes we will be learning that here too. When I know that all she is going to do is make them sit on the stairs and be quiet while she is getting high or sleep. Atleast the 9 yr. old gets out of there half a day to go to school.
I hate her so much! She may think that I am a fool or stupid because I had her OC for most of the summer and I take them monthly, but in the long run, she is the one who would have lost their respect and in some ways, she already has.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 10:34 AM, September 16th (Sunday)]
I know that WS made a mistake, but his whole family should not have to pay for it. Now the H is working so much to meet obligations, they still don't have time for their family. Where is the justice in that?
Some days the stock prices are up and you pay a little bit more for them but there are time when they are lower and if you are investing on a consistent bases you will/should see an increase in the value long term. The key is to start with a QUALITY stock, and be committed for the long term.
I see marriage as having the same concept. There are always gonna be highs and lows but if you nurture it on a consistent bases it will more likely grow stronger long term. That being the case the family must share in the down times(mistakes) as well as the up times(fortune). Again the key is to start with a QUALITY partner and be committed for the long term. This I believe is balance and is the only way to be fair.
[This message edited by MYOC&ME at 2:02 PM, September 16th (Sunday)]
i feel really hurt that he will have his first child with OW because i thought this was an experience we would share together. now if we do R and have our own children, i feel like it won't be as special for him because he will already have had his first child. it will be my first, but not his.
he wants to be there to see the kid born and that hurts me also even though i can't ask him not to be there. he didn't know his own dad (his dad never knew about him) and he is determined to not let that happen to his child. i just hate thinking of him being there with her while she is going through labor. he would be there for the child, not for her, but she'd still be getting support from his presence. and i resent that. i feel like she shouldn't have that.
so that means if we had a kid together, he would have already been through the whole process of seeing his first child born. i just want there to be something special left for us.
i'm not a mom so maybe i'm seeing this in too simple of terms. i'm told every birth is special and different. what was it like for you? if you later had kids together, did it lessen the specialness of that experience for you?
and what about after the kid was born? what was it like seeing your WS with a baby that wasn't yours? if you had kids together later, was it difficult to not feel or show favoritism?
This is a little different but not by much.
I have not mention this before, but my H has a child older than my kids. She was 4 yrs. old when we married. At first it did n't bother me until she and her mother moved in with my H sister.
I was pregnant at the time with my first child and it was very difficult not to feel jealous that she already existed. It seemed like his family was conspiring against me to let my H and her mother have time together. We had many a fight about it.
But when our child came about 7 months later, it was a wonderful experience for both of us. He was in the delivery room with me and actually helped with her the first 3 weeks because of my C-Section. While my H loves all his kids, she is his favorite. He was actually in the delivery room for all 3 of our kids and each one was different and special.
For me, it is special because they are a part of me and someone who I love. All of my kids are. Now my step-daughter is married and has kids of her own and I consider them my grandchildren. When my H recently told me how involved he was in the OW pregnancy with the twins, going to dr. appt. seeing the sonogram, I was hurt. But he was not there for the birth of any of her 3 OC. Would it have made a difference? I don't know. All I know now is he decided to come home and these are the kids that he lives with and has daily interaction with. And when his OC come for a visit, we make them feel just as special.
I don't know how things will work out in your experience but I wish the best for you no matter what it is.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 3:47 PM, September 17th (Monday)]
she also had *said* she would get the prenatal paternity test when she was trying to convince WBF it was his, but when he said go ahead and do it, now she says can't afford it.
there will be a paternity test but that means waiting until february...
chances are very good that it's his.
[This message edited by maggieann at 6:37 PM, September 17th (Monday)]
You answered aunt cis after I sent it, but my thoughts are the same. Being in the delivery room is for the woman, not the baby--and especially in a case where paternity isn't certain, think hard about whether it's worth the pain of having him there--it's just for the OW--the baby won't know the difference. And if it turns out to be his, he can still bond with the child and be a good dad without having been there for the birth. Just my two cents.
she will be having a c-section so i guess at least it won't be a long drawn out labor.
clarification: she says she used condoms with her ex (but once it slipped off but she says they stopped as soon as they realized - who knows?). she didn't use condoms with WBF. that's why i'm saying there is a very good chance it's his kid. there is a chance that it's not, but chances are probably way better that it is.
but she is a compulsive liar and she has changed her due date a couple times. first it was one thing then she said from some other test she had now the doctor thinks it's this other date. this is all coming straight from her of course as WBF hasn't been to any doctor appointments or anything. so she could be giving whatever date she wants.
she says she has to have a c-section because she had one before. i thought it wasn't like that anymore, but one of my friends just told me they are moving back toward making them have a c-section. anyone know if that's true?
if he won't be allowed in the room during the c-section, then great, all the better for me. sounds like it might be a moot point. but is that just a rule of the particular hospital?
for BSs whose WH was in the room for the birth, what was it like for you?
also, still wondering how long it takes to get the results from the paternity test. is it pretty much right away or is it days or weeks?
[This message edited by maggieann at 12:20 PM, September 18th (Tuesday)]