I still worry every day about our daughter. The OC was born almost a year ago but my now XH has stayed a very big part of our daughter's life. She does not know about the OW or OC. I wonder every day if this/or when this will change. If he ever moves in with the OW this will change for her and I've asked so many times what his plans are but I never get a straight answer.
I do know that he is a good father and loves our daughter and I hope he always puts her best interest first. I will never know for sure if he will do this in the future but I have to hope and believe that he will.
It's his responsibility to introduce our daughter to her brother if ever. I have asked that he tells me ahead of time so I can talk about it with her too. I just hope he is true to this promise and I think he will.
This isn't only your problem it's a problem for BOTH of you. You BOTH have to work at it and open up the communication so you can begin to heal. I hope you can do this. Please don't put in all the effort by yourself. It's not worth it.
I do not want my children to know; I do not want contact with the OC -- mostly because of their mother. Do the feelings of humiliation every time you think about the OC ever go away? My SD knows -- had to tell her, she lives so close to OW -- we (H, H's EXW & Me)felt the OW might try to contact. In fact the OW call EXW and tried to trash talk me! Luckily, EXW and I are good friends. EXW told OW off and said that there should be no contact whatsoever.
Please tell me that relief will come. Right now I feel so stuck in the middle of it -- hard to sleep. Hopefully will go back to court shortly. WS got documentation proving that child does not need nanny, can instead go to daycare.
Im a WS/BS, I had an A twice while my wife has had two with the same man. So every post has me admitting it. Yes, I messed up. I'm sorry
My WS came to me and let me know he appreciated my efforts and that I am always proving my love and wanted me to know that it did not go unnoticed.
Earlier this week, I called Child Protective Services on OW because from the last time I saw them and a report we got from their birthday party at her house, OC were dirty had several bites from insects, she wasn't feeding them properly, and the twins were wheezing for over a month and she would not take them to doctor's even though she has free medical care.
I did not tell my WS that I called and I acted like I did not know anything about it when she started calling. I was not sure how he would react. I did this for the kids. They deserve to be taken care of. CPS was at her house within 2 hrs. from my call.
They did not remove the children, but she does have a follow up meeting which means they want to see improvement. The kids looked a whole lot better when we picked them up this time.
She was actually civil to me last night when we dropped them off and thanked me for giving them a good time. She didn't ask for money this time. I was waiting for the fire to come from the sky! I am sending her the pictures so she can see how happy they were. I still don't trust her.
It was hard seeing the OC call my WS daddy and see how attached they are to him, especially since he really did not do that with our kids. All I could think about is how they got here and the betrayal for 10 yrs. that I lived. But I kept my feelings to myself and worked through it.
The twins were following me all over the house and were brushing my hair and hanging on my legs. Some of my family attended the birthday party and gave them gifts.
This may not work for everyone in this situation, but this is what works for me. My WS really cares about these OC and if I want to stay with him, they come with the package. By having them in my home, I have more control of the situation, she can not use OC to get my WS down to her house and try to get him back.
Until we can get paternity done, we will take them once a month.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 4:25 PM, May 21st (Monday)]
This weekend we are going East to spend two days with H's OC--the first time I am "allowed" to participate in the visit. I'm waiting for some bombshell, like I can't touch him or something, but it does seem as though she is coming to terms with the fact that I am involved in all this, whether she wants it or not. Will let you know how it all turns out. Baby is only 16 months old, not sure what our plans are, but hopefully it will be fun and not just heartache for me--and that's such a cute age, I have high hopes. Wish us luck.
So how do I feel? Pretty wrung out, glad that it went well, glad that I can start to see him as a person in his own right and not just the product of adultery and heartache and lies, etc. If only we didn't have to have ANY contact with his mother, things would go much better for me. It's like ripping off a scab every time there is any contact between H and her--which isn't much thank god, but any reminder of his LTA can't be good for either of us.
We still have "discussions" about the whole thing--H sees my point of view totally, though he thinks I dwell on her too much, dehumanize her, as she does me!! That's tough I think--he says it will make things more difficult with the R with the child if the baby grows up thinking that it's toxic for his mom and his dad to be together ever, that there's so much tension there that he will feel blamed himself. Probably true, but I don't see any alternative, at least for now. Maybe in 3 years I can stand it, but I don't think she ever will accept me as a stepmom or even someone whom she has to deal with in a mature way--always thought that she and H would wind up together, even though he said differently--and certainly acted differently staying in the R with her for so long--as they say, actions speak louder than words.
But we survived with not too many problems--it was highly emotional for both of us, for different reasons, and neither of us did real well at thinking of the other person first--both of us were caught up with our own feelings. Lots of fodder for MC!
So now OW and OC are moving back to Europe, and things will change again--but one thing at a time I guess. Glad we are still in one piece. I hate this drama.
How did you work through this with your H? I am new here and I don't know your story, I'm sorry. There are two OC in my story, both young. H doesn't seem to want any contact with them at this time. OW is blaming me for his not calling -- she calls me "nasty and childish". I think she thought that my H would leave me and marry her.
I ramble some -- I'm trying to deal with the financial mess that child support has thrown in. It would be lovely to hear others' stories on how they handled this. Am I the only one in this situation?
No contact wasn't an option in my H's mind--he's a very good father, and really wants to be there for his OC--as he was for our kids, and still is. Too important to him personally to even think of not seeing OC ever. So it's been a slog--makes it that much harder to reconcile, like picking off the scab over and over, every time she calls or he visited OC at day care or whatever.
Sometimes it's a daily struggle, depending on what's happening. MC has been invaluable, as has reading on this board. Keep posting.
My H has left it open to have visitation down the road. He said to me when the DNA results came back - that his first priority is to heal our marriage. It meant alot to me - but then I struggle with the thought of two children not having a Dad. This OW lives in a state far away, so it would be difficult regardless. As far as NC - we set up an email account for her to contact him if necessary. It is checked throughout the day. She refuses to use it because she knows I have access. When she calls my H's cell she leaves slightly threatening messages - so he had to have our lawyer tell her lawyer that she needed to use the email or he would file harassment charges.
Nothing this OW has said in the past has been true -- not to mention she took my H's SSN and used it to run up a large amount of money. It has taken a long time to get that cleaned up.
I really respect the fact that you and your H have been working it out to have contact with the OC. I admire your strength in dealing with the situation. ((((((((((wimsey))))))))))))
I am concerned that if we tell our children - especially the 9yr old - that he especially won't be able to comprehend it. He is so young to know this and be able to handle what his dad did to his mom. The two professionals we spoke to did not advise telling him. He has had a rough road in his life - surgeries, learning issues - and is just starting to "catch up".
I wish you well - thank you for your friendly words. I'm glad SI exists, but I sure am sad to know the reason why. I will keep posting - it is helpful to hear how you and others handle this situation. We should be going back to court in the next few months to settle the CS issue.
I am so glad that your visit turned out well. It can be very difficult keeping our feelings to ourselves.
The OW is my situation keeps asking my H if I am controlling him now. No, we are making decisions as a couple which is what it should have been in the first place.
Everyday I keep going through something. My H refusal to limit contact, the OW repeatly calling. Sometimes I get so mad!
With the OW and OC moving so far away it may be easier for you. I just wonder if your H will have a very difficult time with the move. I am sending you good thoughts and hope all goes well.
Another woman I know dealing with this situation wanted to show the ow how happy the Oc were at thier home and interacting with her family she gave ow copies of the pictures she took.
Well now she regrets it. The Ow put the pics up on myspace and the OW never had pics of the bs and the mm till then. She also never had pics of mm with oc till then. She posted them and it was a mess.
Keep your pics to yourself for the OC when oc get older. You dont want any contact with ow make her invisible do not try to be nice it will bite you in the butt later. ow is a nonentity only deal with oc.
I just got sick of her calling my H whenever she feels like and 5-17 calls per day.
I found out 02-19-07
R- 02-23-07 still going strong