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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Other Child
cghurt
♀ New Member
Member # 12503
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, September 30th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Eibrab
You are right...My H did have an affair with a married woman. But the OW had the affair as well. Why is she allowed to raise this child.


As far as the "legal father" wanting to raise this child as his own I don't think that is fair for the child when you have the biological father wanting to be apart of her life. This childs stepfather made a choice to stay in the marriage just like I did.

I don't see how anyone can turn their back on their children just because of how they were conceived.

My stepdaughter will never feel normal in the situation she is in now, not knowing her bio father. She will never have a sense of identity. She looks totally different from her siblings (from her mother's side)

I understand where your coming from but I don't agree with it. If the child starts a relationship with both families at an early age he/she will never know anything different and this will and can be a "normal" situation.


Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: florida
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, September 30th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

E: Your thinking to far ahead and adlibing. So what if someone asks a child why do you go over there. That child will not go into all you suggested and when a child says well that is my daddy and stepmom then what ever someone thinks is "oh well". Things happen and because of this senero a child came and both parents are taking the respsonabilty of the child. It goes without saying that people are going to talk or have a strange look on there face counting back the years the couple have been married and the age of the "stepchild". If the married couple have made a commentment then they work that out.

People are under this impression that a 6 year old should be told the whole details of what happened. It should not be that way. A 6 year old can not even comprehend that. Yes I think the children should be told but at the right age. I think that a child is going to respect knowing the truth and being a part of both of there families more than "well because of the affair you are shunned" and you have NC with your bio father and his family.

Again no offensive and again I say It is so much easier to go NC than to have contact but this is only how I see it and how i feel. My reasons I am content with nc is merely for me and not for my oc. I know if her bio father ever wanted I would have to suck it up and do what was best for her instead of what is best for my feelings and comfort zone.

And yeap I agree that if both affair partners (for lack of a better word) are both married and a child is born that both affair parnterns should have the right to raise that child. What is good for the goose is good for the gander.

There seems to sometimes be a double standard (not always but I've seen it else where) that the xmm should make the decission and to bad what the ow feels. For instance if he wants contact then the ow should suck it up and go by his terms with it, hey she screwed around with a mm and if the mm does not want contact to bad she screwed around with an mm. But if he chooses down the road to come around when He or his wife is ready then the ow should again suck it up and be okay with it because HEY she screwed around with a mm.
IMHO when bio parents both want to be the parents no matter what the circumstances they should have that right. It is what it is.

Again Im not judging anyone for nc because it works for me too. I've made it work and actually am okay with that.


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
cghurt
♀ New Member
Member # 12503
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, September 30th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

marysway,

I totally agree. I hope my comments didn't come off offensive to anyone and their decisions. My main problem is that my H, the Bio father has no rights to his child. So this is a very passionate subject for me.

If NC works for your situation then by all means keep it that way. In my situation I was aware going into this that my H didn't want NC. He wanted to be a part of his childs life. I accepted it and was dealing with it (as hard as it was, it did get easier)


Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: florida
Eibrab
Member
Member # 12747
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, September 30th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh I agree, Mary, that there is a double standard here.

But, it' a sticky situation.

You and I have been over this so much on all sides Mary. It's hard not to bring up old questions.. :)

I am just finding it unique to comprehend in my own mind. I guess I got a bit close to the pain that MOWH felt here and I understand all too much what continued contact would mean to him, I and our COM.

And, I should say..that if each affair partner decided to stay with their spouses, knowing that NC would be an issue for them, than that is no different to me, than saying if you choose to stay in this M, you must accept C. It's all laid out on the table.

Sigh.. it's way to complex, eh?

Eibrab


Posts: 81 | Registered: Nov 2006
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, September 30th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMHO when bio parents both want to be the parents no matter what the circumstances they should have that right. It is what it is.

Marysway, I'm curious--what exactly do you mean? In my case, OW is single, H has had C since the beginning, I've been "allowed" to participate in visits just for the past few months (OC is almost 2). And OW is now upset cuz phone calls to talk to OC and get updates from OW about OC take place from our home with me present. I don't participate but am there.

OW feels she doesn't have "space" to parent--she does call H at work if something comes up, H tells me about it, and tries to handle it in a way that's good for OC and us-0--which means talking to her but returning calls from home or emailing her instead of extensive phone calls.

To me that means not having an intimate R with OW anymore, which means as few private conversations as possible and none without me knowing about them or being around as much as possible. It doesn't mean that I interfere in the conversations or try to have it be a three-way discussion--just not a private one. Am I crazy?


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
Eibrab
Member
Member # 12747
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, September 30th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

25..

I hope you do not mind me butting in here, when you addressed Mary.

You are not crazy. I have followed your story and find you to be a woman of great dignity and enormous grace. I see you making the best of a situation that you did not ask to be in.

I also see a perfect example of not being about to "control" the other person...

My hat is off to you.

Eibrab


Posts: 81 | Registered: Nov 2006
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, September 30th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wim you are far from crazy. Like I said it is what it is. There is no reason you can't be APART of that child's life as you are the father's wife regardless if you came before or after the oc came. To freckin bad if she has problem with it. You are that child's family as you are your husbands family/wife. Both sides have to do what is best and get some comfort zones going. I frankly see it as just a control thing the way the ow is handling it all. I mean if your husband and her can talk in a civil manner about oc and not fight but is the big deal if you are there or not? I'm sure that 1/2 the time I talk to xh his gf is there, I'm positive of it. So what? I don't care. As long as she keeps her distance as far as she remembers who there mother is. I appreciate the fact that she loves my kids so much. That she is good to them (although uses them to dig at me) I know they are taken care of better with her in his life then when it was just her. What I don't like about her is that she tried to control my kids with what she felt was best for HER and my xh with my kids. What she thought my xh's cs should be, and what my rules in my home that they are in 99% of the time should be. It's non of her business as long as I'm not neglating my children or beating them.

If I need to talk to him and it can't wait for him to ask her permission if my girls can do this or that (no lie it's that bad) To bad. He was making decissions with me then going home and telling her then changing them on me after the fact. I put a stop to that real quick.
I know you guys kept it out of court and that is your choice, but if you would have taken her to court then I promise you she would not have had a leg to stand on with the crap she is pulling on you. It's wrong. She fooled around with someone who had a wife and even if he did not have you then married you after it still does not matter. All she was doing was using her child as a control with your husband. WRONG WRONG WRO?NG!!!

I do feel that decissions are to be made between the father and mother and bottom line but of course he will discus with you, as you are his wife. That is just natural. I'd discus with mine if I had one, but the decission would not be anyone's but mine and the father kwim?

I would not even mind talking to her if my xh would not have screwed that up. He lies so much and has such an ego trip going on that she hates me. I've never done anything to her except tell her to be my kids friend not there mother and I've never interfered in there relationship.

So my point is NO your not crazy and there is no reason for her to be upset with you. You and I have talked about this. You don't control your husbands every move with oc and you don't interupt it, you don't discourage it, if anything you've done what you've had to do to keep your marriage and have only asked to be involved too. 'what is wrong with that? Not a damn thing. She should be so lucky. Seriously!


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, September 30th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

E
we have and respectly so. LOL.

Yeap it's sticky and it boils down to what we can live with right or wrong.

Some gracious woman can do it and some gracious woman can't. The bottom line is really it's not even up to the bs to make this decissions and the mm has to be the one to really live with himself right or wrong. The bs is given the choice and saying hey this is what I can do and if you can great in so many words and the mm has to choose. I'm not even saying choose between the ow and bw but the family or oc.

My oc is 3 1/2 now and starting to ask questions. I just ammuse her. She will pretend to talk to her daddy on the phone and will tell me he had to go the dentist or doctor or she will tell me she went to go see him and she was shy and started to cry. She'll ask me where he is and I'll just tell her oh probally at home I guess. Then try and turn her conversation around. She is just waaaaaaaaaay to young to comprehend even 500% of it. She will ask to see his picture when I've got pictures up on the computer and I'll show her she looks at it with a blank look on her face. She is the spitting image of him but she just looks blank then wants to go on to her family she knows and then does all her comments etc.

But it's starting now but still to young to go into anything. One day it will be sad....but she will be just fine. She has my family and friends who are there for her and adore her.

Only the adults can screw a child up from this. If it's hadled correctly with or without contact the child can be just fine


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, September 30th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Eibrab for the kind words.

Marysway, we didn't go to court cuz OW is from another country and has how moved there--and US court couldn't really have any jurisdiction there--so even if we had gone and H had gotten visitation rights, etc, they wouldn't be enforcable in her country.

Thanks for your reply--it is a pain to have to deal with all this. And hard to think of what's ahead, I keep hoping OW will come to terms with reality (like I have, LOL), and we can do this in a reasonable way, with not too much disruption for OC. But our M is prime to me--that's where my work is going! Keep you posted.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
maggieann
♀ Member
Member # 11297
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, October 1st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i don't have much time right now (about to have my first appointment with a new therapist) but just wanted to update anyone who has been following my story that the piece of shit is out of my life. it took a huge confrontation and him putting his hands on me and going to jail to make it happen, but he's out of my life for good.

Posts: 143 | Registered: Jul 2006
misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, October 1st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck to you maggieanne! You will get through this and are on the right track
You will be in my thoughts!


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, October 6th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to let everyone know we have temp. custody of OC. My story is in general.


I am so releived!

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 2:08 PM, October 6th (Saturday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
LostInLimbo
♂ Member
Member # 9499
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, October 6th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone have te OC living with you? and if so do you sometimes feel differently towards the OC?
Once in a while it's a trigger for me.
My WW had the A and we have the OC -
I love the child as my own but there is that look i get once in a while that does not speak to my genes if you know what I mean.

[This message edited by LostInLimbo at 2:21 PM, October 6th (Saturday)]


Posts: 74 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: New England
Eibrab
Member
Member # 12747
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, October 6th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost...

My H had an A with a MOW. MOW and her H have the OC and we are supposed NC, though I sometimes wonder.

Does the OM have contact with the child?

Feel free to priavate message me here as well.

Eibrab


Posts: 81 | Registered: Nov 2006
misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, October 6th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sooo very happy for you BMC! I'm sure it is a huge relief to you and the OC too.
This week has been a little tough for me because I found out through the OW's sister's myspace page that OW is in the hospital and may be having the baby...it would be way early if the time line is correct but anyways...just waiting in limbo to see what will happen.


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, October 6th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PRAISE GOD BMC! Please tell us what happened!


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, October 7th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Misto)) I know this is very hard for you. Just want you to know I am thinking of you.

I will keep you in my prayers and ask for strength for you to get thru this.

As for me, the whole story is posted in general forum, but the just of it is my son's counselor kept her promised to me to contact CPS for me and they took her seriously.

OW was arrested and they were given to my H in foster care until 12/3. You know the pain and anguish that I was feeling everyday that nothing was done for these kids. Now I have to deal with my H blaming me for hurting OW. The crap just doesn't stop.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 8:44 AM, October 7th (Sunday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, October 7th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now I have to deal with my H blaming me for hurting OW. The crap just doesn't stop.

You've got to be freckin kidding me???

I'm sorry. You did the right thing. Hell she was putting the kids on the porch to pork these men and not even providing the general basics for these kids.

I'll go over to general and read it.

I know this is a tough time with you having surgery and all, but what a relief these kids are safe and warm and clean and fed!

Now ow has a chance to sit and thank about what she has done and hopefully come out of that place wanting to be a mother and take the responsiblity she put on herself.


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
dust to dust
♀ Member
Member # 12583
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, October 7th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did everyone deal with the animosity that you felt towards the ow, oc, and ws? I don't know how this will work if i am constantly hurt by the situation. I keep thinking that maybe its best if i leave. i just can't deal with the pain.


dday 1- september 06, he was having a three month affair.
dday2- april 1st 2008, six months after oc was born, h finally came clean about everything.
Present day- trying to R again.

Posts: 1532 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: florida
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, October 7th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dust - it is difficult. The pain of betrayal is hard enough - then compound it with the complication of an OC - I know how much it hurts. I deliberately try to separate the OC from the OW. They are as innocent as our COM. I accept and allow myself to feel anger and grief regarding the OW, my H and the entire situation. It is not a scene I would have ever chosen for myself. Or my children.

All that said - I don't personally think that the pain would be any less if I had left my H. I was going to hurt no matter what.

Many hugs to you Dust. Know that your feelings are normal. Know that you are not alone.



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