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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Other Child
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, October 16th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Xmm was served by a server. He was given 20 days to answser the suit. We did not go into court until after the DNA test was done. Once he was served he hired an attorney then all papers were sent via attorney's. I had to wait till he took the DNA test as he had to pay for it, then I and the baby could go take the test. He had no more than 2 weeks to take his test at the lab. From there it took almost 3 weeks for the results to come back and then we went to court.

My case was/is sealed. It can't be seen by the public at all. Only xmm and myself with photo id can go look at our file for my daughter.

In my state when it comes to paternity like this to protect the child its sealed. It's still public record, if that makes sense, but it's sealed to the public.


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
Love mama
♀ Member
Member # 16524
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, October 16th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH has another child.

He told me. It resulted from a night that he doesn't remember. He didn't remember having sex. He went to sleep alone in a room and woke up later and left. Never knew.

DNA tests, and he is the father. Of a baby that is in between the ages of my sons.

I believed his story. Now I don't know if it true. I wonder if he totally knew what he was doing at the time.

I really have my doubts now that I know he cheated on me 4 other times that I know about.

Glad I left him. i don't have to worry about OC. I don't want my sons to know. Maybe they can know when the time is right.

Maybe he will be her dad since he lives 3000 miles away from his sons.

He went and visited her behind my back. We talked about it in counsling and the counsler said not to stir that pot yet. That the mother wasn't seeking child support or asking for him. And that it was too soon for me to figure out what we were going to do. And he was visiting her behind my back!!!

I'm so glad I left and I'm done. It will hurt me if he gets to be her dad, and his sons lost out on him.

That will hurt.

I haven't told anybody about OC. Only my counsler knows and me and him. And his mother. He told his mother against my wishes.

Asshole.


Mother of 2 beautiful boys. (3 and 2 yrs)

Getting Divorced.

"Peace comes from mutual trust" -14th Dalai Lama


Posts: 434 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Michigan
misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, October 17th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Love Mama)))

I'm so sorry you are here with us in this messed up boat but there are so many wonderful people here that have helped me loads! Take care of yourself and your sons.


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, October 19th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Checking in--tomorrow is H's biweekly phone call to OW to alk to OC and get updates. Usually this is a slightly tense time for us, but we're learning how to navigate it--if OW behaves herself, it's easier. We'll see.

I'm hoping that it's easier as OC grows--maybe get a video cam or whatever that technology is called where you can see the person you're calling through the computer--maybe avoid almost altogether talking to OW when OC's bigger--just see and talk to him. And maybe I can lurk in the background and talk to him as well!! That will be nice.

Been pretty quiet lately--and I enjoy that. When it's quiet on the OW/OC front, all I have to deal with is the LTA!!

Happy weekend everyone.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, October 19th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((wimsey)))))))

Hope it continues to go well. I'm thinking of you.

Hugs,
SVS



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, October 20th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well the call was okay--OC still not talking much on the other end, but OW does! She had asked a question about our kids and when they started to do something, H said he really didn't remember--a long time since they were this little--the obvious response would have been that he would ask me, since I do remember that sort of thing. But he didn't.

When he hung up I said that it was too bad he couldn't just say that--no response really from him--so I went on venting a bit about how ridiculous it was that he couldn't say that to her in the interest of her getting the info she wanted, he couldn't really join me in the criticism of her. I hate that--I want to hear from his lips how irrational and neurotic she is, but not much negative comes out, or at least not enough for me!!!

But we'll talk later about it, and continue in the ongoing struggle of how to deal with this awful situation. And daily life is getting easier after all this time--but guess I'll never really feel 100% again. Sucks.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, October 20th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((Wimsey)))))))

Just keep communicating how you feel.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, October 22nd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could anyone tell me if I could find out if a paternity petition has been filed in the state of Texas, where I could find that info and so forth. I have checked the attny. general's website and didn't find anything helpful. Thanks in advance!


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
hope4better
♀ Member
Member # 14919
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, October 22nd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Love Mama)))

I too am glad I divorced my XH. He had a baby just this past June. We have two kids together and he still has not told them about their 1/2 sibling. He still never really told me about the OC, I found out on my own and confronted him, he didn't deny or aknowledge. I knew in my gut there was one and I finally did confirmed it. Although we are no longer together, it does still hurt. He used to tell me (when we were first dealing with DD#4) stuff like, "I don't want anymore kids, the two I have are enough" and "if I ever did want anymore kids, I'd want them to be with you so they'll have the same mother." Well that was all B.S. just like everything else that comes out of his mouth. I hurt and am angry mostly for my kids and the fact that he barely sees them (only 1 day a week) yet he may very well be spending the other 6 days with his OC. It's not fair to them that they get short changed because of his selfishness and immaturity. They didn't ask for this to happen. He never stopped to think of what this would do to them. I just don't understand people like this. Life itself is hard enough, why add to the complications by committing infidelity and even worse, creating an OC?!?!


Me: BW-35
Him: WH-35
Kids: 13 and 2yrs (both kids are his)
DDay #1: Summer of 1998 (ow#1)
DDay #2: Summer of 2003 (ow#2)
DDay #3: Summer of 2004 (ow#3)
DDay #4: Summer of 2005 (ow#4 21yr old) He kept this one
Married: 6yrs Divorced: 2007

Posts: 932 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: midwest
monkeybiz
♀ Member
Member # 15072
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, October 23rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H went to mediation today because the OW filed wrongful termination. She made up stories because she got pissed that H declared NC and no CS until papers were legally filed. She was asking him to pay for her apartment for x-months, plus giving her cash which was MORE than what she made working for H. It was pure extortion.

At the mediation, she asked for a monetary settlement, and the mediator recommended H to accept that, since taking it further would result in more cost in legal fees, etc. WTH. What's the point in mediation if we have to pay to get rid of her and her BS stories just because it's cheaper to do so???? Mediator didn't even suggest OW to lower her requested settlement stating it's much lower than what she's used to seeing. WTH!!!! So much for the legal system working. FYI, OW quit working for H because he was supporting her at the time and continued to do so until OC was born anyways. Her story is bogus and her calculation was even wrong... but she insisted that's the final amount she was asking for.


me, BW - 38yr old former sahm
WH - 38 year old deadbead dad
married May 05
DD born July 06
DS born March 08
left him Dec 07
filed for D Oct 08

OW since Dec? 04
D-day May 07
OC borm July 07


Posts: 134 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: N Cal
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, October 23rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry Monkeybiz--I've heard so many horror stories about the legal system. I know that mediators are supposed to intervene in order to save time and money with lawyers, judges, etc., but have you run any of these figures and actions by OW by your own lawyer? It's so arbitrary--what mood the judge is in when he gets up in the morning, it seems! Good luck.

We didn't go through the courts cuz OW is from Europe and has gone back there now. Our courts have no jurisdiction there, and we would have been screwed a different way. Makes visitations interesting, you can be sure of that!


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
i_lost_my_mind
♂ Member
Member # 15678
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, October 24th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I find myself again posting on one of the most painful threads on SI. I post in the LTA one too. Now I only have to ask for a thread called "Victims of spouses who started cheating before getting married".

I discovered my W A on july 2007, the same day our little girl became 5 months old. My W got pregnant 2 months after our wedding, which was a little strange because we continued taking the same precautions we did in our 7 years of pre-M relationship.

On some of the e-mails where I found out about the A, my W wrote things that suggested I was not the father of our child. On D-day I asked my W if there was any posibility that our child was not mine, to which she replied "yes, there is", in fact, she encouraged me to take a test because she thought I was going to take the baby away from her (she was completely foggy that day).

I'll have a parental test, but I'm very afraid, my whole world has been already destroyed by the horrible things my W did during those 2 years, and I don't think I'll survive finding out she is not my daughter.

What am I going to do if she is not mine?, I love her so much. I know I won't forgive my W, and I'll have to leave her, and if that happens I won't be able to see my baby girl, I won't be her father.

2 days ago, my baby girl started crying and my W asked me to go and change her diaper, she was very scared because she woke up and was alone, so while I was changing her she wouldn't stop crying, louder and louder, then my W came and asked me why she was crying, but did it in a way that suggested that I was mistreating her, she told me that because there was the doubt maybe I was being cruel to her. How could she say that to me?, I love my girl more that anybody in this world. Some minutes later my W realized how stupid was her comment, and has been apologizing since then, but the damage was already done.

Is just unbelievable how the woman I love and trusted so much destroyed our lives. I'm pretty sure she loves me too and that only make things worse for me.

[This message edited by i_lost_my_mind at 12:57 AM, October 24th (Wednesday)]


"One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope."

Posts: 56 | Registered: Aug 2007
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, October 24th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I_Lost, you really need to have the test as soon as possible, for all of you. Your daughter is your daughter, no matter what. Even if you're not biologically responsible, she still only knows you as Daddy. Your wife's comment speaks of her own fear, guilt, and uncertainty, whether she realizes that or not. ONce you get the DNA results, you can take it from there, slowly if need be. Continue working on your R, and I hope everything works out for you.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
i_lost_my_mind
♂ Member
Member # 15678
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, October 24th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

redvixen, thanks for your comments. I know she is my daughter no matter what, she carries my name and will always do, what I'm afraid is that if the test shows I'm not her biological dad I'm not sure I'll be able to forgive my W.

[This message edited by i_lost_my_mind at 10:26 PM, October 24th (Wednesday)]


"One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope."

Posts: 56 | Registered: Aug 2007
clv40
♀ Member
Member # 14409
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, October 24th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I_Lost, you will have to look deep into your soul if that is the case. And if you decide you can't, then you don't have to forgive your wife in order to be a great dad. (((hugs)))

Posts: 1370 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Florida
Love mama
♀ Member
Member # 16524
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, October 24th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((I_lost))

You probably do need to get the test done, since it is a huge question mark hanging over your head. It won't go away, so it is probably best to get it over with the soonest you can.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am so sorry.

You do love that little girl and you are her daddy no matter what.


Mother of 2 beautiful boys. (3 and 2 yrs)

Getting Divorced.

"Peace comes from mutual trust" -14th Dalai Lama


Posts: 434 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Michigan
Love mama
♀ Member
Member # 16524
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, October 24th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggled so much, and I still do. But I am relieved I am not with the man that did this all to me. I am relieved the the problem of OC is not as much mine now. I do not have to go visit her with him, which I would have done, had he not done this behind my back. I don't have to. I don't have to feel as sick about it.

Even if it was an act he didn't remember, what was he doing going to sleep in that bedroom in his friends house? Maybe he shouldn't drink or smoke pot at all if he passes out and can't remember having sex? If that is the truth about how it happened.

UGH! I am still sickened by it all.

At least I don't have to deal with that betrayel in the same way now. Of course I always have to deal with it. Someday, somebody might reveal this to my sons. That freaks me out. I don't want them to know. Maybe they have the right to know. But gosh, I just don't want it.

Their father very well might build a relationship with his daughter, in which case they will know about it all.

If he really didn't participate willingly in the sex act. And she crawled in bed with him, then what is his responisiblity.

He feels like he should be her dad, but he just went ahead and visited her and all without consulting me.

I don't know what will happen with him and his daughter. But now I honestly don't care as much, and when his sons do find out, he can explain it to them. Someday maybe all my family will find out, and when that day comes all of this will be so far in the past that I won't be so ashamed of his actions anymore.

Thanks for the comments you all left me after my previous post. Thanks for listening to me.


Mother of 2 beautiful boys. (3 and 2 yrs)

Getting Divorced.

"Peace comes from mutual trust" -14th Dalai Lama


Posts: 434 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Michigan
i_lost_my_mind
♂ Member
Member # 15678
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, October 25th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someday, somebody might reveal this to my sons.

I think that will happen someday, is inevitable. I've talked to my W about this, and how I think is better we tell her before another person does it (when she is old enough).

But what would happen then?, how will a girl react when she finds out her mom was screwing another man before, during and after she was conceived and born?

And what if she is not my biological daughter?, do we have to tell her too? what will she do? will she want to know her "real" dad?


I so sad to think that the most horrible consequences of the A haven't even started to appear yet.


"One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope."

Posts: 56 | Registered: Aug 2007
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, October 25th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry I lost my mind--your phrase about the most horrible consequences of the A and OC scenarios not appearing yet hit home. We haven't told our adult kids about the A and OC, and I know it's inevitable, and I dread it more that I've ever dreaded anything. It will forever change the kids R with H, and it will impact their R with me. And it hurts beyond belief to think about it.

Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, October 25th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the most horrible consequences of the A and OC scenarios not appearing yet hit home. We haven't told our adult kids about the A and OC, and I know it's inevitable, and I dread it more that I've ever dreaded anything. It will forever change the kids R with H, and it will impact their R with me. And it hurts beyond belief to think about it.

Ditto. I dread this too.



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