This was not my choice, but it will not be my undoing either. ~~yewtree
We are in R, but let me tell you, the first few years after D-Day were the roughest...quite a few setbacks that made me sure that D was the answer. I guess it's unique to each person and their relationship.
Our older daughters (9, 7 and 6) know that OC is their half-brother, and so far they really haven't asked many questions. What I am mad about is how OW told her daughter (8) that she and my WH were "together", even though they weren't married. It really wasn't an EA, but very much a PA. There were no "dates" or flowers or songs to each other.....basically WH would go over her place and they would have sex. But since OW doesn't want her daughter to think of Mommy as a slut, instead she lied to her that there was more of a relationship than there is. I just don't know what's going to happen if that's what OC thinks, because I can't stand the thought of OW undermining our marriage like that and making it seem like WH loved her.
Looking for the rainbow after the storm
But you're right, it rankles that OW will try to describe what happened in a way to downplay the fact that she was a "other woman" who didn't get "her man"--god, what horrible prases we have for all this! As if a WS is the golden prize fought over by the women in his life!
I'm more concerned about how my own kids will take it--probably can't put off telling them for much longer--it's good for me to read others' experience in this matter.
We leave the end of this week for a visit with OC, and more drama from OW. Hope it's not too bad. It's generally good that they're a continent and ocean away, but it is tiring and emotionally draining when we do these visits.
I think OW should tell OC enough to satisfy his/her questions, blame should not be a part of the explanation. That say OC u r a mistake....I dont think a parent or step parent has the right to do that to their child. I think it is exceptable to tell the child that he was created out of what OW thought was love(2 u fantasy 2 her love) even though she now know that it was wrong to love this man in this situation. Children grow up to form their own opinions. They will see mom , dad and all the player. Remember that kids are born loving their parents, they forgive a lot.. The situation that would concern me is not what OW tell them but the how they come to see dad's abandonment (that include the COM).
25 as hard as I know it must be, u are handling it well. u cant control OW or what she tells OC u can only do the best thing that u can and hope that it is enough.
Be careful how much longer you wait in telling your COM. My experience with DSD - who is 17 almost 18 - is that she is quite angry with her Dad. But I think she would be angrier had we waited a long time to tell her. We told her right after the results of the DNA came in b/c of the proximity of the OCs' mother and the criminal behaviour already exhibited. I think though that the longer you wait, the harder it will be on you, your H and especially on the COM. I think they might have feelings of betrayal in that you didn't share this part of your life very quickly. They are, technically, adults.
I don't mean to step out of line, Wimsey. I absolutely respect whatever you and your H do. Just wanted to share a little of my experience. You are a model of grace and dignity to me.
I also am afraid of the changed R's with them--both with my H and with myself. We have such a good R with all of them right now, I can't stand the thought of how the dynamics will change--especially since two of them have SO's who will have input on how it's all handled.
Plus, I have the dimming hope, but the hope is still there, that OW will meet someone who will be a full-time father to OC--but I'm coming to realize that even if that unlikely scenario should occur, OC will still have a R with his bio father, and who knows how that will all transpire. It's just a fantasy on my part that the two worlds won't ever collide--just the sort of compartmentalization that didn't work in the long run with the infidelity.
I'm working on it--H is letting me postpone it, for my sake, and probably for his too--he's really dreading it as well. But if I don't push it, neither will he, at least for the time being.
Just curious, did you ever ask DD if she would have rather been told later rather than sooner? I've read some stuff going both ways--COM who found out sooner and wished it had been much later, and the opposite view. Which means that it's painful no matter when they find out I suppose.
Delaying telling your COM about the OC could, I fear, cause more damage to your R with them than if you tell them soon. They have SOs, they are leading their own lives - to not tell them is almost (at least I think in their eyes) like saying you don't respect them as adults.
Please know I say that with the utmost concern for your feelings around all of this.
I am a Mom - and a stepmom - to give my children information that will hurt them is like driving nails into my own heart. I am deeply saddened by the loss of R that DSD is now experiencing with her Dad. She is missing out - and so is he.
I asked her if she would rather not know - or us have waited until the OC were out of high school. She said no, that would feel like even more of a betrayal. But a betrayal not just from her father, but from me and her mother. It was more important to her than we respected her as a young adult and gave her the truth.
She had sensed that something was up. She just didn't know what.
No matter when you tell them, Wimsey, it is going to change the dynamics of the R. And you and your H will have to be the ones who reach out, model appropriate adult behaviour and hang in there with them.
It is sad. I mourn the loss of my DSD's innocence. I am so very sad that she pushes away her father right now. But ... one day she will see what happens when real grownups take responsibility for their actions, what family and through better or worse really means and how each of us chooses which way to steer our ship.
Right now she thinks I stay only for the COM. I smile and say to her - one day you will understand that life isn't so black and white. One day you will understand that their is lots of gray.
Many hugs to you Wimsey. I'm always checking in if you need a sounding board - pm if you like.
Wow, that is a heavy question. I can understand why OW wouldn't want to tell OC the truth, and I also know it would be damaging to imply that OC is a mistake. But on the same hand, I know WH does regret ever having the affair. And it struck a chord (with this particular situation anyway) when you mentioned how if OW saw it as "love" on her part, then the child was created out of love~ I know the OW did not love my husband. She was sleeping with at least 4 other guys in the time period that she got pregnant. She didn't even want OC to be my husband's baby, she wanted her other married lover to leave his wife. That's a big reason I can't stand that OW is painting these pictures to downplay any accountability on her part.
Now I know that this is not the age to talk about this stuff, but when they're teenagers at least, H and I have talked about talking to the kids along the lines of what my parents told me. When I was teen, and asked about sex, my birth and my parent's marriage....I found out that my mother was pregnant with me when they got married. So when I asked about the whole "sex before marriage" thing, my mother told me that while I was and am VERY much loved and wanted, that it's just a good idea to be cautious with sex and know that you care about the person. She wasn't saying that she made a mistake,she was telling me to use my head so that I could lessen my chances of getting hurt by any rash decisions sexually.
This is what H and I plan to tell our kids and even OC when we have "The Talk"~ to protect themselves above all. To realize what can happen if they rush into anything.
PS~ speaking of OC doing the math, I'm a little worried (and still upset) over how it's going to seem that OC and our thrird daughter are only about 4 months apart in age. Yep, WH got OW pregnant while I was expecting again. Still gets to me sometimes
I still have all of our emails, cards, love letters, etc. I have my family, whom which the ex MM was very close to & spent much time with - they can verify anything I tell my son.
Although what we had was an affair, it WAS a relationship as well. I can see how any BS wants to make an affair seem like it was all about sex, there were no feeling there, etc. Sometimes that is just not the case. This was my old HS sweetheart & we loved each other back then, and during our affair we spent a year together, out in the open, taking trips, spending quality time together and our time together was not a figment of my imagination. My exMM actually sat down with my parents of his own valition, before I found out I was pregnant, and told them that he loved me, and as soon as his divorce was final he wanted to marry me. Yes, it was probably all lies on his end, and I ate it all up. But, I can't go back and change anything now.
Now, my exMM has no contact with my son, and I don't believe he ever will - by his own choice. If my son ever wants to contact his father when he is of age, as well as his brother, that is his own choice & I will respect that. I do believe my son has a right to know and have a relationship with his dad and brother. I have no clue what exMM will tell his own son, but that is up to him as well.
The OC situation sucks, no doubt, but I'm not going to just sweep my son under the rug. He is not dirty, seedy, or unworthy of love. Just because he was born of an affair, doesn't make him any less important than any other child out there. He is a gift from god, and should be cherished!
Wow, that is a heavy question. I can understand why OW wouldn't want to tell OC the truth, and I also know it would be damaging to imply that OC is a mistake.
Hi ((Sparkle)), tough question for an equally tough situation. I by no means suggest that OW not be truthful to OC. I just feel that as the mother, the parent left to pickup the pieces and hold them together to build this child a stable life she must choose her words carefully and ideally with the assistance of a child therapist. She should not show hate, anger, resentment or other negativity toward the child biological father because it will become there feelings. That's not fair to the child.. I hope that the child will be told the truth in as positive manner as possible. If she did not feel love for MM my guess is she wont include that. There are married people that dont even like each other and sometimes have an oops...but they dont say "we were not in love when u were conceived".
But on the same hand, I know WH does regret ever having the affair. And it struck a chord (with this particular situation anyway) when you mentioned how if OW saw it as "love" on her part,
I can't stand that OW is painting these pictures to downplay any accountability on her part.
It sound as if you have let MM go and is put OC ahead of your emotions. For what it's worth...for as much pain as I KNOW it causes when mm walks away from his child.... you sound like a strong, loving mother and that will win 3/4 the battle for OC's future wellbeing.
[This message edited by MYOC&ME at 6:37 PM, November 28th (Wednesday)]