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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Other Child
30sucks
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Member # 14963
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, I never thought of that. Oh that bastard. Probably. That's hilarious.


I had the misfortune of being married to a self absorbed, morally bankrupt human being. ~~12bstrong

This was not my choice, but it will not be my undoing either. ~~yewtree


Posts: 478 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Virginia
spiritualdiva
Member
Member # 14348
Shutup  Posted: 11:42 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I am concerned with is my daughters reaction to the fact that OC is their brother. I know that at first it will be that this is my brother. But when they get older and start doing the math...They are going to know that dad was creeping. I know it is not OC fault..so I harbor no blame. But I wonder what OW will lie and tell OC in the fuure to make her actions seem ok. Does anyone often think about this or has anyone experienced the after effects of when their children and OC discover the "dirty secret"? Its sad that I call it that but that's what it is.


No more drama in my life, I don't ever wanna hurt again.

Posts: 286 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: oklahoma
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, November 23rd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

spiritualdiva,my 2 oldest children started asking questions when they heard H and I mention OC name a few times. Although my H has NC with OC or OW he still pays child support and we do discuss the situation sometimes. At first I would tell them that OC was a little girl Daddy sent money to help take care of cause they were too young to understand anything else. I also told my H that he would have to explain to them what happened cause it was his mistake not mine. We decided to tell them a few years ago,cause we figured that younger children are more willing to accept and forgive. It was a little rough,our daughter took it hardest cause she was born already when it happened. But after getting thier feelings out about it both our older children have accepted it and don't ask about thier half sister much. Our youngest doesn't know yet he is only 5,we will tell him soon. I am not too concerned about what OW has told OC cause OW is a liar and a psycho,but OC seems intelligent enough(H family has contact with OC against H wishes so we hear things)and she will be able to do the math one day and figure out that she was conceived after her father and I were married and she was born in between our 2 oldest children.We live 2500 miles away from the OC so I don't expect her show show up at our door ever,but I guess stranger things have happened and I really have no control over that so we will deal with it if it ever happens I guess.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, November 24th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*hugs* to 30sucks

We are in R, but let me tell you, the first few years after D-Day were the roughest...quite a few setbacks that made me sure that D was the answer. I guess it's unique to each person and their relationship.

Our older daughters (9, 7 and 6) know that OC is their half-brother, and so far they really haven't asked many questions. What I am mad about is how OW told her daughter (8) that she and my WH were "together", even though they weren't married. It really wasn't an EA, but very much a PA. There were no "dates" or flowers or songs to each other.....basically WH would go over her place and they would have sex. But since OW doesn't want her daughter to think of Mommy as a slut, instead she lied to her that there was more of a relationship than there is. I just don't know what's going to happen if that's what OC thinks, because I can't stand the thought of OW undermining our marriage like that and making it seem like WH loved her.


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 241 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, November 24th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too am curious about how OW will explain to OC about what happened--I know she will say they had a "relationship", which they did in fact, but how she will explain the presence of a wife and family at the same time, once the child can do the math? I'm hoping by then I will not give a s**t about what she tells him--H and I are reconciling, I won't give up my life and family, so in the end I guess it doesn't matter what she says.

But you're right, it rankles that OW will try to describe what happened in a way to downplay the fact that she was a "other woman" who didn't get "her man"--god, what horrible prases we have for all this! As if a WS is the golden prize fought over by the women in his life!

I'm more concerned about how my own kids will take it--probably can't put off telling them for much longer--it's good for me to read others' experience in this matter.

We leave the end of this week for a visit with OC, and more drama from OW. Hope it's not too bad. It's generally good that they're a continent and ocean away, but it is tiring and emotionally draining when we do these visits.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, November 24th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am pretty certain that although OC will be able to do the math and figure out that she was conceived while her father and I were already married,OW will have told her that had I not been in the picture that she and my husband would have been together and that they could have been a family. Little does the OW know that had I left my husband he wouldn't have been with her anyway. OC may get some of the real story from my husbands family since they have gone against his wishes and had contact with her,but as most of us do she will probably believe what her mother has told her. And although it may make me seem like an awful person I am glad that my husband made the choice to be with me and our kids and have NC with OC. I don't wish her ill, I just don't want her to be a part of our lives,so what her mother tells her about her "relationship" with my husband doesn't concern me.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, November 24th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I have a question....What is it that u the BS think would be appropriate for OW to tell OC about the situation?


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, November 24th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MYOC, I guess because I'd anticipate questions from the OC, and since he lives with his mom, she's the one who will be asked. You imply that it's not appropriate for her to be the one to explain anything--do you think that? I think an OW has the right and opportunity to explain things or answer questions that her child would raise--I'd just hope it's the truth, or at least no lies or fantasies being passed on.

Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, November 24th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with wimsey. Since husband and I have NC with OC it will be up to her mother to tell her the situation. I also hope that she tells her the truth of what happened and doesn't incorporate her twisted fantasy version as the truth. But her mother is a compulsive liar who has no concept of reality and actually believes most of the things she makes up in her mind to be fact,so I'm not going to hold my breath that the truth will be told to OC.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, November 24th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I ask the question because it seems that the BW feels that their version is the version that should be told. I am a firm believe in it her truth, his truth a then the real truth lie somewhere in the middle

I think OW should tell OC enough to satisfy his/her questions, blame should not be a part of the explanation. That say OC u r a mistake....I dont think a parent or step parent has the right to do that to their child. I think it is exceptable to tell the child that he was created out of what OW thought was love(2 u fantasy 2 her love) even though she now know that it was wrong to love this man in this situation. Children grow up to form their own opinions. They will see mom , dad and all the player. Remember that kids are born loving their parents, they forgive a lot.. The situation that would concern me is not what OW tell them but the how they come to see dad's abandonment (that include the COM).

25 as hard as I know it must be, u are handling it well. u cant control OW or what she tells OC u can only do the best thing that u can and hope that it is enough.


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
soverysad
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Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, November 25th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wimsey --

Be careful how much longer you wait in telling your COM. My experience with DSD - who is 17 almost 18 - is that she is quite angry with her Dad. But I think she would be angrier had we waited a long time to tell her. We told her right after the results of the DNA came in b/c of the proximity of the OCs' mother and the criminal behaviour already exhibited. I think though that the longer you wait, the harder it will be on you, your H and especially on the COM. I think they might have feelings of betrayal in that you didn't share this part of your life very quickly. They are, technically, adults.

I don't mean to step out of line, Wimsey. I absolutely respect whatever you and your H do. Just wanted to share a little of my experience. You are a model of grace and dignity to me.

Blessings,
SVS



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, November 25th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for you thoughts, svs. My H sort of agrees with you, that the kids may feel more betrayed by our not telling them sooner. Part of my reason for not telling was that I just couldn't stand it--too much pain added to my plate, there was no compelling reason to tell them early on, OW and OC were far away and are even further away now, so it didn't impact our daily lives in an obvious way!

I also am afraid of the changed R's with them--both with my H and with myself. We have such a good R with all of them right now, I can't stand the thought of how the dynamics will change--especially since two of them have SO's who will have input on how it's all handled.

Plus, I have the dimming hope, but the hope is still there, that OW will meet someone who will be a full-time father to OC--but I'm coming to realize that even if that unlikely scenario should occur, OC will still have a R with his bio father, and who knows how that will all transpire. It's just a fantasy on my part that the two worlds won't ever collide--just the sort of compartmentalization that didn't work in the long run with the infidelity.

I'm working on it--H is letting me postpone it, for my sake, and probably for his too--he's really dreading it as well. But if I don't push it, neither will he, at least for the time being.

Just curious, did you ever ask DD if she would have rather been told later rather than sooner? I've read some stuff going both ways--COM who found out sooner and wished it had been much later, and the opposite view. Which means that it's painful no matter when they find out I suppose.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
soverysad
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Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, November 25th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wimsey,

Delaying telling your COM about the OC could, I fear, cause more damage to your R with them than if you tell them soon. They have SOs, they are leading their own lives - to not tell them is almost (at least I think in their eyes) like saying you don't respect them as adults.

Please know I say that with the utmost concern for your feelings around all of this.

I am a Mom - and a stepmom - to give my children information that will hurt them is like driving nails into my own heart. I am deeply saddened by the loss of R that DSD is now experiencing with her Dad. She is missing out - and so is he.

I asked her if she would rather not know - or us have waited until the OC were out of high school. She said no, that would feel like even more of a betrayal. But a betrayal not just from her father, but from me and her mother. It was more important to her than we respected her as a young adult and gave her the truth.

She had sensed that something was up. She just didn't know what.

No matter when you tell them, Wimsey, it is going to change the dynamics of the R. And you and your H will have to be the ones who reach out, model appropriate adult behaviour and hang in there with them.

It is sad. I mourn the loss of my DSD's innocence. I am so very sad that she pushes away her father right now. But ... one day she will see what happens when real grownups take responsibility for their actions, what family and through better or worse really means and how each of us chooses which way to steer our ship.

Right now she thinks I stay only for the COM. I smile and say to her - one day you will understand that life isn't so black and white. One day you will understand that their is lots of gray.

Many hugs to you Wimsey. I'm always checking in if you need a sounding board - pm if you like.

SVS



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, November 26th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know why OW keeps it up after all this time! At one point OW was sending emails to my husband asking if he would send OC an email or a letter or something. But my husband explained to OW that he only wants good things for OC but has chosen not to be a part of her life and thought it would only confuse and upset her to write to her. Well OW continues to send a yearly picture of OC as well as a letter saying what OC has been up to over the coarse of the year,and we have no issue with that. But this year she sends the letter also asking for pictures of our children in return for a "project" OC is working on. She tells us in this letter that it is a geneology project and OC would like it to be as complete as possible. OC is 10 1/2 so she knows about our children.Well I spoke to my MIL who has contact with OC against my husbands wishes and asked her if OW or OC asked them for any information because if she wants a complete geneology project she should want info from her Grandparents too right? Well MIL says she hasn't gotten a request for information and neither have my SIL's. MIL also tells me that they have been reminded that OW is a compulsive liar(ow is exgf of my h so they know her)and that OC just repeats what her mother tells her. I must note that although my inlaws have contact with OC they have only have minimal contact with OW to see OC,they don't care for OW anymore than I do. Well so now I am thinking this is just another attempt by OW to open lines of communication with my husband. Why can't she get it through her head he doesn't want her and the A was a HUGE mistake and he doesn't want to be part of OC life either?! She is only causing OC pain by continueing to keep the idea in her head that one day her father will contact her. Like I said we live 2500 miles away and the OC is 10 years old,if he hasn't contacted her by now you would think she would realize he isn't going to. Should we stop accepting the pictures from her each year?


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh badddd triggering week! My anniversary is two days away and my FWS is acting really weird (irritated and snappy). Not sure if it's because of something else or the anniversary or what but it makes me worry! And then I'm not quite sure what compelled me to look at the OW's myspace page but she had posted new baby pics ugh but the good news was she had tons of them up with some guy (hopefully daddy) and the baby. Anyways...just needed to vent!


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In response to MY OC & ME~

Wow, that is a heavy question. I can understand why OW wouldn't want to tell OC the truth, and I also know it would be damaging to imply that OC is a mistake. But on the same hand, I know WH does regret ever having the affair. And it struck a chord (with this particular situation anyway) when you mentioned how if OW saw it as "love" on her part, then the child was created out of love~ I know the OW did not love my husband. She was sleeping with at least 4 other guys in the time period that she got pregnant. She didn't even want OC to be my husband's baby, she wanted her other married lover to leave his wife. That's a big reason I can't stand that OW is painting these pictures to downplay any accountability on her part.

Now I know that this is not the age to talk about this stuff, but when they're teenagers at least, H and I have talked about talking to the kids along the lines of what my parents told me. When I was teen, and asked about sex, my birth and my parent's marriage....I found out that my mother was pregnant with me when they got married. So when I asked about the whole "sex before marriage" thing, my mother told me that while I was and am VERY much loved and wanted, that it's just a good idea to be cautious with sex and know that you care about the person. She wasn't saying that she made a mistake,she was telling me to use my head so that I could lessen my chances of getting hurt by any rash decisions sexually.

This is what H and I plan to tell our kids and even OC when we have "The Talk"~ to protect themselves above all. To realize what can happen if they rush into anything.

PS~ speaking of OC doing the math, I'm a little worried (and still upset) over how it's going to seem that OC and our thrird daughter are only about 4 months apart in age. Yep, WH got OW pregnant while I was expecting again. Still gets to me sometimes


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 241 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
over&out
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Member # 15779
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I plan on telling my son the TRUTH when he is age appropriate. I will not sugar coat it, nor will I lie to him. I will tell him I had an affair, his father was married at the time, and although our relationship was definately wrong, we did care about each other deeply & still do to this day. We are not horrible people, we simply made some serious bad judgement calls. And that my son is not a mistake. He is loved and very much wanted, however his father chose NC as he believes it's in the best interest of my son.

I still have all of our emails, cards, love letters, etc. I have my family, whom which the ex MM was very close to & spent much time with - they can verify anything I tell my son.

Although what we had was an affair, it WAS a relationship as well. I can see how any BS wants to make an affair seem like it was all about sex, there were no feeling there, etc. Sometimes that is just not the case. This was my old HS sweetheart & we loved each other back then, and during our affair we spent a year together, out in the open, taking trips, spending quality time together and our time together was not a figment of my imagination. My exMM actually sat down with my parents of his own valition, before I found out I was pregnant, and told them that he loved me, and as soon as his divorce was final he wanted to marry me. Yes, it was probably all lies on his end, and I ate it all up. But, I can't go back and change anything now.

Now, my exMM has no contact with my son, and I don't believe he ever will - by his own choice. If my son ever wants to contact his father when he is of age, as well as his brother, that is his own choice & I will respect that. I do believe my son has a right to know and have a relationship with his dad and brother. I have no clue what exMM will tell his own son, but that is up to him as well.

The OC situation sucks, no doubt, but I'm not going to just sweep my son under the rug. He is not dirty, seedy, or unworthy of love. Just because he was born of an affair, doesn't make him any less important than any other child out there. He is a gift from god, and should be cherished!


Me: 33(FOW)My son: 1yr(OC)
Some actions,despite how wed wish to dismiss them,carry lasting consequences that cant be fixed by longing or the realization of the mistakes made. There is forgiveness, enough for all of us, but there is no forgetting

Posts: 187 | Registered: Aug 2007
sparkle76
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Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is true~ sometimes its not the case that an A was all about sex, sometimes the OW didn't care about love. I guess it is different for everyone. As each person will have different feelings and opinions on how to handle their situations. I agree that honesty is important


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 241 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also agree that the truth must be told,but what if the OW has a problem with the truth,what if she is a compusive liar. Then all her life the OC will be told a story that simply isn't true. My husband has NC with OC,but at some point she may seek him out and his version of what happened will most likely be totally different from what OC has heard her whole life(unless OW finds a way to tell the truth),how will that affect her. I do have some hope that my husbands family has told OC some truths since her mother seems to be incapable.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, that is a heavy question. I can understand why OW wouldn't want to tell OC the truth, and I also know it would be damaging to imply that OC is a mistake.

Hi ((Sparkle)), tough question for an equally tough situation. I by no means suggest that OW not be truthful to OC. I just feel that as the mother, the parent left to pickup the pieces and hold them together to build this child a stable life she must choose her words carefully and ideally with the assistance of a child therapist. She should not show hate, anger, resentment or other negativity toward the child biological father because it will become there feelings. That's not fair to the child.. I hope that the child will be told the truth in as positive manner as possible. If she did not feel love for MM my guess is she wont include that. There are married people that dont even like each other and sometimes have an oops...but they dont say "we were not in love when u were conceived".

But on the same hand, I know WH does regret ever having the affair. And it struck a chord (with this particular situation anyway) when you mentioned how if OW saw it as "love" on her part,
I was not speaking for every OW. I think that many truly believe they love these man and many of the men lead them to believe they returned the feeling. There are lots of things in my life that I can say that I regret but usually its because of the consequences. The act without consequences was often a desire that I should not have acted on. So...it would be more correct to say that it is the consequences that i regret.
I can't stand that OW is painting these pictures to downplay any accountability on her part.
I know this has to be the most painful thing one can endure in a marriage....and I do empathize with your pain. My question to follow is....When MM walks away with the reason that he is doing what is best for his 1st family, painting a picture to downplay any accountability on his part for the child he created with her?

(((O&O )))
It sound as if you have let MM go and is put OC ahead of your emotions. For what it's worth...for as much pain as I KNOW it causes when mm walks away from his child.... you sound like a strong, loving mother and that will win 3/4 the battle for OC's future wellbeing.

[This message edited by MYOC&ME at 6:37 PM, November 28th (Wednesday)]


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

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