This is not a vent thread and no one on this site or this thread is your OW/OC.
Please keep the generalizations out of the mix in here.
"I'm happily indifferent to the ones who have consistently been wrong" ~kd lang~
You said the child was adopted. The records are sealed in the U.S.
It will be up to the child to look for the bio mother and bio father when the child is an adult. The bio mother and bio father can leave info in case the child looks for them. Even if you found the child, you have no legal rights to that child to arrange a meeting.
You know I understand how you feel. The pain of this situation can be so overwhelming at times. But I realize that my anger needs to be directed to the OW in my situation. I think sometimes we may disagree on the subject, but I don't think anyone here has been disrespectful.
The OW who are posting here are not the ones that betrayed me with my H. I feel like I have gained some insight from them. Like I said before this is a pill that everyone has to decide if they can swallow. Every child is precious and innocent no matter how it got here. (Everyone may not agree).
Imagine how I feel. Not only do I have the 3 OC in my home, I got 2 STDS from this situation and today I found out I have cervical cancer a result of the HPV I got from my H.
We all are suffering from this situation.
Sparkle, when I say "it is what it is". It is a very general statement. The same goes for me.....it is what it is. It has happened and I had to pick myself up wipe myself off and do what I needed to do to go move on. I had to make decissions that "I" could live with even knowing that I had to live with those choices and know what I was looking at for my daughter. Does that make any sense? I guess my point was Yeah you did not ask for this and yeap the ow helped create the hell in your life that you went through but YOU made the choice to stay with your husband. Therefore you made the choice to go through his stuff that he created on you and your kids and stand by his side. It is what it is. Kwim?
As much as you don't want to hear this next sentence I don't regret my daughter although I regret my actions that brought here. She is my joy and just as my two other planned children with my xh I can't see my life without her. Although I had no plans of ever having anymore children again even if I remarried, I found myself pregnant and did what I knew I could live with. I have to deal with the results of my actions. I choose to deal with it positivly and in the most healthest method I can. It's in my family's best interest. I will have obsticles to overcome later on (not including the ones I've already concured) but it is what it is and that is the way it is.
As far as if I was talking about your FWH directly No, I used Wimsy as an example because of things she has posted. I've met so many ow's, bw's and even a couple of mm's on these boards and that is where my comments came from. I know that quite a few mm's don't care about the ow but I also know that some mm's do as well, but will tell there bw to try and ease the pain or make them feel better down play there feelings towards the ow. Or the mm has lied to the ow about how they feel. Big surprise lol.
I was a BW more than once before I ever got involved in my affair. I told my xh that in order to take such a risk of loosing his family I sure hope he had some deep feelings for this person as much as it would hurt me in order to risk him loosing him family and everything else over it. That if he was looking for just a good time and was willing to loose his family over a good time meant his family did not mean that much to him.
I may be twisted in my thoughts there, but it was how I felt.
As far as my affair w/mm I can tell you he did tell me he was in love me with me. Often. Once his wife found out (which is a whole different post) he told me what he told her (as if I was going to tell her yeap he is telling you the truth (eyeroll) that he did not love me, that I was just sex and we were drunk everytime we had sex which if she used her head she would know he was not telling her the truth. I did not get into that game with her of he said I said. Either way I was going to be the liar and I had enough on my plate as it was. So Nope I was not directed it at you again I was in a general mode. My point on that was if a mm has feelings it takes a man to admit it.
I've also learned from reading a lot that just because a mm may have feelings or love for the ow does not mean he can't fall out of love with ow and back in love with wife or that it's the right thing to leave wife for ow. Love comes in all different phases and there is all kinds of love out there. Some love/addiction is not always heathly either. Kwim? Did make any more or better sense?
I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.
You have been a great comfort to me over the past couple of months and I really appreciate that. I appreciate everyone words of kindness and encouragement.
What is going to happen now is that my surgery is cancelled. My Dr. has to do another biopsy to see how deep the cancer is and if it has spread. He said I will still have a hysterectomy, it just may have to be a cancer specialist performing it because it will require a different course of action.
I am just tired!!! OW get to go on with her life as a drug addict, 6 kids that everyone else is taking care of and I have all of this on me! Yes I brought the OC into my life, the kind of person I am would not allow them to live the way they were living.
Auntcis, I have come to realize that children whether they are the COM or OC, know who takes care of them and who doesn't. You don't have to be the OW to be a good parent or a bad parent. Some one had suggested that when a father is away from his child and he really does care about the child, that may be he writes letters to the child about his feelings,keeps them in a safe place, like their birthday or Christmas and how they would have loved to have been with them or been a part of their lives. Not blaming. When child gets old enough and might come looking for their father, they will have those letters to know that he really did not abandon them. Just a thought.
You see I didn't know who my father was until I was 32 yrs. old. He was around me but I thought he was my cousin and my mother told him someone else was my father. We tried to connect, but he just could not get past my mother keeping him out of my life and that I was a grown woman that really didn't need a daddy. So we grew apart. He never even visited me when I was in the hospital so much and he lived 20 mins. away. My point is, I was a little mad at my mom for keeping him out of my life, but when I got to know him, I understood why she did. So people can make their own judgement and I am sure that the OW in your situation will find out later in life when her child makes their own judgement.
I know this isn't specifically on the OC topic, but the HPV issue reminded me of something. After I found out, and I had my first abnormal Pap (they didn't specify....just said it was "abnormal"), I asked OW if she had been tested. I knew for a fact that she had an "infection" when she was pregnant with OC, and she told her OB/GYN about other MM being promiscuous and doing drugs. But anyway, OW only tells me "I won't discuss my medical information, it's confidential". Like it's not my business if FWH had passed on anything to me through her! I've heard that HPV risk is increased by the more partners you have (as most STD's as well, I guess)....as bad as this may sound, FWH was only having sex with me and her. She, in that particular time period, had about 6 partners including my H. But God forbid I want to know for my well-being, *I'm* the one being "intrusive"
Looking for the rainbow after the storm
BMC, I said this in general forum but it doesn't hurt to say it again,my thoughts and prayers are with you.
I don't think you're twisted for feeling that your XH should have had some deep feelings for his AP in order to risk losing you and his family....that thought has sure crossed my mind too. Like I said before, to me that would kind of make sense. But knowing that my H doesn't and didn't love OW, that's just one of the things that doesn't make sense, is why he did risk things. From what he's said, it was more like a destructive compulsion.
I personally don't think it means that we (the kids and I) didn't mean anything to him though. True, I don't like the thought of how he risked things, but I also have learned about "The Fog" that WW's can get in. Someone described it as like a "pod person". Not that it wasn't FWH who did those things...both he and I know that he did, and we have to live with that. But he wasn't acting like "himself", if that makes sense. He wasn't being the man I met and fell in love with, and he wasn't being the person I know again after the affair.
Yes, some of what you're saying does make sense, and I do know that love is complicated and can mean many different things. My original point was that in our situation, I know FWH isn't going to tell OC that he loved his mother, in any sense of the word. And it would be like purporting a lie if OW told him that, and we let him think that. Because even most of what she's said to us has painted the affair as just sex, or "attention"...not love. FWH would not respect or love someone who was sleeping with 5 other guys besides him, and I don't think she had much respect for anyone or herself either, but that's JMO. But the bottom line for us is that as far as what OC thinks or hears about OW and FWH, we've decided to carefully talk about our story, despite what OW has said.
Does anyone have a quick remedy to get their voice back? Tonight is my H's Christmas party and I'm all ready to go, but I have bronchitis/laryngitis~ my throat really hurts, I'm hacking like mad and I can't talk....our kids want to know why I'm "whispering" lol
I am not sure what happend to the child in my situation. For some reason I have thought the child belonged to my ex and that's why no one ever wanted to give me info on the child. I am going to try to let it go. I really can't do anything in this situation. I know that CPS took the child away, Im not sure what happend after that, I heard a rumor her case worker adopted her. But it's a rumor. Something in my gut told me that little girl's father was my ex but I thought I was being paranoid. But I have figured out enough to know it's a possibilty she is his. I really need to let this go.
Sorry folks, not having a good day here. And I was skimming through the posts someone had said something about NC with OC equates to the BW and FWH actually doesn't care about the OC and so forth...
Well, as we've all discussed on this forum before...having C or NC is a very personal choice. And everyone is entitled to what works for them. Sure we have C, does that mean it "works" no...cuz it hurts like hell. Sorry, not a lot of sympathy for OW who is going to sit around and cry about how hard it is, or how if BS and FWH should care more. Let me ask again...did FWH ask for this child to be born? NO! OWs make the choice to be a single mother and bring a child into this world outside the union of a marriage. Don't cry about the child not being cared for by the damn sperm donor.
And you know what sucks the most. I feel like I am a bad and evil person. I wish to God this child didn't exists. I wish to God they could have just used protection that night. It was once...damn it! The sad thing is that I'll probably rott in hell for my thoughts and feelings. We talk about the karma bus and we use to joke around about the karma bus someday smacking OW square in the head...but with my luck, it'll probably be me.
Forgive me everyone for my rant. I'm going to cuddle with my son now...
[This message edited by crazedNconfused at 7:57 PM, December 8th (Saturday)]
As far as oc not needing you. That is what you feel right now..but your husband and you are a team and therefore that child will need your love as well. I'm not sure the age of your oc but as you know if your own kids they go through that stage of crying and wanting mom. Maybe your not ready for c and your husband needs to understand this. Sometimes contact is worse damage than nc. I mean no offensive by that either. It's a tuff sitch anyway you look at it.
As far as ow should not cry about being a single mom.......well I have a hard time understanding that because your husband is in the child's life. Hey I'm a single mom but was before mm was even in my life.
I feel bad that oc's dad is not in her life but in the long run under our circumstances it is probaly for the best.
I am sorry this is so hard on you. Have you talked to your husband about this?
It is not wrong to have the feelings that you have. I have had them too. As much as I love these OC, sometimes I wish that they were not born, I wish that my H had used protection, I wish that my H had the common sense not to touch that dirty Bitch. But we can't change the past.
It was hard for me when I first started having the OC visit. I felt like an outsider in my own home. And I used to get emotional when I saw my H hugging the OC and calling him daddy. But after a while I came to realize that he cared about these OC and I would rather the contact include me than for him to be doing it behind my back which is what was happening before d-day.
So I am sending you positive thoughts and hopefully it will get easier for you. But the main thing is you are not evil for feeling the way you do.
I worry if I send a card to open the communication and my H and I end up having to end the communication because of OW.
will that do more damage to
OC than if her father just stayed NC to begin with? Any advice?
If I remember your story correct your inlaws have a relationship with OC....is it possible that they could be a medium to help facilitate a relationship with OC without you guys having to deal directly with OW. I can honestly tell you that if my OC's father showed up after 10yrs, I would not allow him to even began to have contact with my son UNTIL I was comfortable with his intentions. I would be on "SNAPPED" if he walk into my child's life, made him love him and yearn the relationship only to walk out and hurt him ......Go slow but by all means go for it. BTW... I think you are awesome for loving you husband enough to want this for him
[This message edited by MYOC&ME at 6:07 PM, December 9th (Sunday)]