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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Other Child
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 4:33 AM, December 10th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MYOC&ME it's funny you should bring up that my inlaws have contact with OC,because I was having a conversation with MIL recently and she mentioned that they don't see OC very much anymore. They said that once it became clear to OW that it was OC they wanted in thier family not her and that they would never open thier heart and homes to her(OW was EXGF of FWH when they were teens and my inlaws never liked her)she started making it more and more difficult for them to see OC. So it makes me wonder if OW has been letting my inlaws see OC to use her as a pawn to make her way into my H life through his family . Like I have said all along it makes it harder to make decisions when it comes to OC cause her mother is not a honest rational person,you have to worry about ulterior motives for EVERYTHING she says and does. I guess my husband and I just need to talk about it more before we decide anything either way. Thanks for your input .


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
babygoat
♀ New Member
Member # 17348
Evil  Posted: 5:01 PM, December 10th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H had a one night stand over a year ago while I was away on business. I found out in the early months of pregnancy from the OW. She found a way to call me at work to tell me she was pregnant. I was hoping it would just go away. I was hoping it wouldn't be his child. He took the test and it confirmed paternity. I am so conflicted. I cannot tell a soul about this because I know that any of my family/friends would tell me to leave him and I am not ready to do that! I struggle with him having a moral obligation to the child and the feeling that the moral obligation is really to me. The OW knew he was married, thought he had money and I believe used a pregnancy to obtain money. My husband hasn't worked in a year, just started a new job. I am fearful that this situation will end up taking a sizeable contribution from our household. We don't have children...have been discussing it but I almost feel like what's the point? I have always been pro-choice, have always believed in a woman's right to choose. But now it means something different to me. I think her decision to have the child was a selfish act, knowing he was married, knwoing he wouldn't leave me but bringing all of us into the situation. I think that the OC should have a strong role model, not just a welfare mother gold-digging whore as a role model. Selfishly on my part, I would rather not have contact with the OC because I believe it will turn into a nightmare of manipulation. My husband doesn't want contact although the attorney told him it would look best to ask for visitation rights. I am so glad to have found this site and to have read what people have been going through. I truly thought I was alone. I would appreciate any feedback anyone can give...Would it be any more morally reprehensible to have NC with the OC than it was for the OW to pursue a married man???
Me 37
H 43
OW 31
OC 1

Posts: 2 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Indiana
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, December 10th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Babygoat))

First of all welcome here, you will get alot of good insight and advice from this sight.

I didn't know if you have had a chance to look over some of the posts here but you will find that everyone's situation is different. C or NC is a choice that is to be made for what works best for you. There is no right or wrong in that situation.

I am glad to hear that your H is speaking to an attorney with the kind of OW you are describing you want to protect yourselves legally. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you are doing it together as a united front because it is hard to R as it is and when OC is involved is most difficult. If you are not woring together, it is near impossible.

Hugs to you!

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 3:44 PM, December 11th (Tuesday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
crazedNconfused
Member
Member # 11075
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, December 11th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

babygoat

hello! i am sorry you have to be here. i encourage you to read through my posts. my situation is similar to yours in that the OC in my life was from a ONS also. H didn't know until OC was 9mo and OW had filed a paternity suit against him, and I didn't know until H had positive DNA confirmation. We DO have C. It is NOT easy but life does go on. Some may say that at least it was just a meaningless ONS, but it doesn't matter, it is still betrayal and it still sucks. But as I've said before...it could be worse...at leasts its just a child and not HIV...and that OC gets to grow up knowing that his conception was from a dirty, meaningless ONS and the "daddy" had never asked for it to be born.

heads up my dear...with time it gets better. PM me if you want to chat.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Texas
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, December 11th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi babygoat--also sorry you have to be here.

I'm one with contact and it's very hard. There are many here with NC. As CnC said, it's an individual choice for each person in this rotten situation. Read other posts and post and pm here--it's a great place for support and ideas.

Unfortunately, there's no black and white. I also think WS have an obligation to both the OC and the BS--and how that plays out is different for each of us. The obligation to OC, if you choose NC, will obviously be only financial--hope it's not too bad where you live! I've read somewhere that it works if you just consider that monthly payment as just another car payment that has to be paid off!

If you and your H basically agree on NC, that's great--you can be united in your decision about that and work on your own relationship. Glad you have an attorney to advise you--it'll be a long and bumpy ride. Keep posting and good luck.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
babygoat
♀ New Member
Member # 17348
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, December 11th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your support. I know this is a roller coaster ride. This is just an aweful thing! I am so touched by those of you who choose to have C with the OC. I thought I was a strong person but I just don't think I could go there. I thought maybe I could, I thought it might even take away some of her power. She doesn't work. She wants to "stay home with the baby". Well, you know what? I have worked all of my adult life. Even IF we have a child, staying home is not in the cards for me. I think if you are married and you make a choice for a parent to stay at home with the children, good for you! But if you choose to have a child out of wed-lock with another woman's H, you opt out of the stay-at-home mom lifestyle. I know my H is at fault. It is a wicked thing he did. I have worked and worked at this relationship and he is really great now. He says I am the most important thing to me and he resents her for trying to take away "the person he loves the most". Now obviously, that wasn't the case the night of the ONS. I understand that. I just think that she has made a choice to have this child and she should be responsible for that decision. Years ago, she would have been stoned to death as an adultress and now we pay her to sit at home on her a** and collect welfare and CS checks. Not trying to be mean but it's true. We are leaning toward NC because we think she is a manipulative gold-digger who will completely disrupt our lives if we crack open the door in the least little bit. She threw a fit in court when she learned my H was unemployed and demanded to see tax returns for 3 years. His business closed last year and struggled the year before that. I think she thought she would be set for life. I have already been smart enough (I think) to have all of our possessions in my name. Even if he would ever decide to leave, I should be OK. I don't have children, though we had been discussing it. Maybe I am not maternal enough to accept someone else's child as mine. I would never even date a man with kids. I think a child needs a mother and a father but not this way. My heart goes out you you all, on all sides of the story because it's devastating for all concerned. Peace be with us all!

Posts: 2 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Indiana
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, December 11th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have decided to stay NC. My H and I discussed opening a line of communication with OC,but we both agree that her mother would probably just use it as a way to try and stir up trouble. And the last thing we want to do is upset OC by becoming a part of her life then having to go out of it again because of her mother. My H said he can't bring himself to risk what we have together, and he knows the OW would try to make trouble,there is no way she would let her daughter have a relationship with her father and stay out of it. So now I guess we just wait and see if OC will contact my H when she is old enough to tell her mother to stay out of it.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
firstandthird
♀ Member
Member # 17022
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, December 12th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

udpate on the prenatal DNA test, he had it done yesterday morning, actually asked me if I wanted to come with him!! he had to drive to cincinnati, where the OW, and both of the possible OM were there. We should know something in a couple of weeks. He cried on my shoulder before he left, and again when he got back. My patience is waning with that routine. Why do I always have to hold HIS hand? Doesn't he stop to think that this is just as hard for me? no, probably not. grrrr!!!!!!!!!!


Me: BS 26
Him: WS(ONS) 27
Wedding Day: Mar 17, 2007
ONS: Sept 4, 2007
OC born: May 22, 2008
Nov 25, 2008: Found out the OC is not his!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: ohio
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, December 12th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FirstandThird, I have a question. As I understand, did you say that he gave a swab, and she gave a blood sample? Please tell me if this is something new, because when my H and I wanted our OW to get one, we only found the CVS test or amniocentosis. Those actually get the DNA from the baby itself to determine paternity. CVS is done from 10 to 13 weeks, and the amnio is done at 16 to 20 weeks. Is this a new test? Will you have to wait until the baby's born to match it's DNA? Our OW refused to take the prenatal tests, then changed her mind (but after the ultrasound showed she was too pregnant for it to be my H's). So supposedly she and her boyfriend took blood samples to keep on file until after the baby gets here in February. I'm just curious to what kind of test your H took.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
snowontheroof
♀ Member
Member # 16712
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, December 12th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RedVixen

My daughter is in this situation (and is a health professional) so I can speak to it. If you have the pre-birth DNA done there is an 8-10% miscarriage rate and no one should ask another to take that risk. The most common method now is to have the test done after delivery by swab.


Posts: 61 | Registered: Oct 2007
firstandthird
♀ Member
Member # 17022
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, December 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no, we didn't want the amnio or the CVS because of the miscarriage risk. This was done by a DNA center in California. They take her blood b/c btwn the weeks 13 to about 26, there is baby DNA in the mother's blood stream. It is slightly less accurate than the fetal test after the baby is born. So, they compare the blood and cheek swab samples and send the results. They do a follow-up test after the baby is born to confirm and for legal purposes. It's very expensive, around $1300, but I checked around with my doctor and the Ohio State University Hospital, and they say it is accurate, but b/c it's so expensive and relatively new, they don't recommend it. Also, the pre-natal results are not admissable in court. That's why they do a follow up to confirm. It sounds ridiculous taht we did something like that, but she's estimating 15 weeks give or take. Their encounter was almost exactly 14 weeks to the day. So if she's wrong, or the doctor estimated wrong, it's his. She was with her boyfriend for five years without getting pregnant, had unprotected sex with my H, and wound up pregnant. Makes me worry.


Me: BS 26
Him: WS(ONS) 27
Wedding Day: Mar 17, 2007
ONS: Sept 4, 2007
OC born: May 22, 2008
Nov 25, 2008: Found out the OC is not his!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: ohio
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, December 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't blame you for doing what you need to do find out paternity. Had my H know OW was pregnant before OC was born I would have done the same. Sending good thoughts for you,I hope thing's turn out the way you want.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
crazedNconfused
Member
Member # 11075
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, December 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by crazedNconfused at 5:28 PM, January 25th (Friday)]


Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Texas
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, December 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((crazed))) My thoughts are with you. I know how you feel, I for one was extremely grateful that although OW has every right to give OC my H last name(court papers said she could)she chose to give OC her last name. Luckily for me she already had another illigitimate child with another MM (although I feel bad for his BS) and she wanted her daughters to both have the same last name so OW gave them hers.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
crazedNconfused
Member
Member # 11075
DOH!  Posted: 2:32 PM, December 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

auntcis...wow how thoughtful of her to want her two illigitamate children to have the same last name.

[This message edited by crazedNconfused at 5:30 PM, January 25th (Friday)]


Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Texas
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, December 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crazed,sometimes I swear people have no clue! My SIL sent my H an email today asking him to send more money to OC for Christmas cause OW recently had surgery on her arm and has been out of work so money is tight . That's what he pays CS for!!! What part of NC does my SIL not understand?!


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
over&out
♀ Member
Member # 15779
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, December 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

little bastard

Could you stick to calling him the OTHER CHILD please? I understand your hurt and angry, but this is a child none the less, and that term is really offensive! It reminds me of the "N" word ... another term that should be abolished and removed from the dictionary. We aren't living in the stone ages anymore!


Me: 33(FOW)My son: 1yr(OC)
Some actions,despite how wed wish to dismiss them,carry lasting consequences that cant be fixed by longing or the realization of the mistakes made. There is forgiveness, enough for all of us, but there is no forgetting

Posts: 187 | Registered: Aug 2007
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 3:43 PM, December 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Enough with the venting.

The next person that refers to an OC/OP in a derogatory fashion will be removed from this forum


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
over&out
♀ Member
Member # 15779
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, December 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't care if anyone wants to refer to me in a deragatory fashion, I'm an adult, I made MY own decisions. But it's not acceptable to do it when referring to an innocent child. I hope he never hears that word come out of your mouth while he's in your care! And if that is really how you feel about him, he'd be better off not being under your roof.


Me: 33(FOW)My son: 1yr(OC)
Some actions,despite how wed wish to dismiss them,carry lasting consequences that cant be fixed by longing or the realization of the mistakes made. There is forgiveness, enough for all of us, but there is no forgetting

Posts: 187 | Registered: Aug 2007
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, December 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't care if anyone wants to refer to me in a deragatory fashion, I'm an adult,

You may not care, but we Mods do


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