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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Other Child
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear what you are saying and I have given everything alot of thought. He is not trying to have contact with OW and he lets me know that everyday. He has been in substance abuse treatment for 7 weeks now and has been clean and sober during that time.

When he found out about the cancer he was devasted and normally would have gotten drunk or high to deal with it, but this time he came and talked to me about it and he let his group at the clinic help him through it. He makes me healthy meals and takes care of me when I am down.

He gets to work everyday on time and everyday. Yes that is what a man is suppose to do, but that is not what I was getting. If something is bothering him he comes and talks to me now instead of self-medicating. He is spend time with his kids(all of them) and trying to do things a normal father would do.

So I guess I have dwelled on the negative more than the positive. Yes this man has put me thru alot, but I am trying to give him the chance to repent and save this family. What I mean about consequences with contact is that our marriage will be over. I will not accept anymore. I guess some of you may not understand this, but I have put 20 yrs. in this person and I stuck with him when things were bad and he was out there, now he is trying to act responsibly and I am trying to give him that chance.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((BMC)) I hear you I really do. I really hope that he can step up and do the right thing going forward....

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[This message edited by MYOC&ME at 11:51 AM, December 14th (Friday)]


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how to transfer someone else's quote so I will just retype a quote that was made in the thread earlier

"Your are responsible for you bad chose to have an affair with a married man, but married man is responsible for the child not having a father by having the affair then walking away after the child was conceived"

I know that not all situations are the same,but in my case I would have to totally DISAGREE with that statement. My H and I both tried to have contact with OC,but her MOTHER made it impossible. Like I said I know not all situations are the same and I am not trying to attack anyone here,but I think we all as mothers would do anything to protect our children and for us to think for one minute that WE are the possible reason for any unhappiness in our childrens lives is just unbelieveable. Once again,I'm not saying that is the case for anyone but myself and my H,but in our situation it is the OW's fault that the father is not in OC life,not the MM.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

auntic to quote just cut and paste the text to be quoted then highlight the text and then click the quote button to the left of the message box.
I think we all as mothers would do anything to protect our children and for us to think for one minute that WE are the possible reason for any unhappiness in our childrens lives is just unbelieveable.
In saying that to Over&Out, I meant it to say that she is not responsible for the decision that "her" xmm made to not be a parent to their child.

I do believe that in these cases just as in cases of divorce emotions run high. There are people and situation that can make it quite difficult for a parent to parent the child. "I" whole heartedly believe that if you are truly a parent and love your child you will move a mountain if it stood in the way.

I believe that when the men in these situations walk away they are taking the path of least resistant. Men do it everyday and it is not exclusive to an OC situation.

If I was the wife of the man that could walk away I would question his commitment to our children should a divorce occur and he was in another relationship and felt that I the now ex was too difficult to deal with for his current relationship.

My guess he would take the same road of less resistance. I firmly believe that "the mother keep me from being a father" is a convent excuse to do what they already want to do. Kinda like the alcohol escape route.

ETA: I by no means know all the men in these situations, nor do I know all the particulars in each situation. This is simply my non-professional opinion.

[This message edited by MYOC&ME at 3:26 PM, December 14th (Friday)]


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't question my H commitment to me or our children at all,he is a wonderful father and a terrific H. And he did honestly try to be a father to OC,but as I have said before her mother made it impossible. His family made contact with OC after we moved across the country and the OW in my situation is so "out there" that she tried to convince my inlaws that my H has been writting to her all this time telling her they would be together and her and OC were going to be his new family . I think that a lot of the time the MM gets made out to be an awful person if he has NC with a child he has fathered, but there are times when they really have tried to do the right thing for the child and some mothers make it an impossible situation if things don't go the way THEY want them to go. Sometimes in these situations the MM(although guilty of the A to begin with)really isn't the bad guy.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
Domestic Diva
♀ Member
Member # 12319
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question, I am hoping someone will help me out with.

My had an affair with a woman from January 06 to May 06. NC was established the last day of May in 60. OW had a baby in Feb 07, she says the child is her BS's. At best there is a 50/50 chance the child is my husbands child. OW and her BS are divorcing.I think a paternity test at this time is the right thing to do.

I would appreciate any input. Should I contact the other BS, to see if he is planning on a DNA test? He does know about the A, and I believe he is a smart guy and would want to know...

I have talked to OW, and she doesn't believe for a moment that the child is my H's.


Me Wife
Him Husband
I want my fairytale back, now where is that fucking wand?

Posts: 857 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Ohio
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kind of tricky. If they were married the BS of the OW is the legal/presumed father of the child. You need to check into laws for whatever state you live in and do you both live in the same state?

If OW BS doesn't want the DNA test you may not be able to force it. Maybe ask an attorney most consults are free.

Good luck


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
Domestic Diva
♀ Member
Member # 12319
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Should I just ask the other BS? I have not spoken to him, although he does know that his FWW and I have spoke through email over the past year and a half. I have his emai(work) and his home phone# from when he and his FWW were living together.

My FWS want nothing to do with this topic of conversation what so ever...

magine that


Me Wife
Him Husband
I want my fairytale back, now where is that fucking wand?

Posts: 857 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Ohio
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't question my H commitment to me or our children at all,he is a wonderful father and a terrific H.
I am not attacking you H or men in general. As I said earlier this is my opinion only.

I realize that how each individual handles their stitch come largely by their history. I actually think this has more of a woman cause than a man cause... let me explain...I think we as woman teach our son that they are not as biologically responsible for their offspring as woman are.

I also think that as women we are raised to, and in turn raise our daughters to have less expectations of men when it come to domestic/relationship issues than we do for women.

I cant think of one situation that of my own free will that would keep me from being a mother to my child .

If I had given the father physical custody of our child and chose not to be a part of his life because dad was "impossible" I would labled an unfit mother, and many of the other demeaning term we assign to women. Yet these men are still considered to be "good men", "good fathers".

I also think that when we support our men in not being a father to his child by another woman that is just as much of a loss of moral obligation as the woman that a supports a man in infidelity by being his partner. We all have a moral obligation not to cause pain and degradation to others. Children are included in this and it does not matter if the pain is caused by the act or the support of that act.

I'm sorry auntics but I find this hard for ME to wrap acceptance around.


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DD may I as what is your reason for pursuing this. Do you just need to know if your H fathered this child or do you wish to establish a relationship with this child for your children/husband assuming that it is indeed your H's.


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
Domestic Diva
♀ Member
Member # 12319
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MYOC, my reasons are all of the above and yet so much more complex..my FWS has a brother out there somewhere..no one has ever seen him, wouldn't know him if he saw him on the street.

I want to know, for one so I can stop waiting for the process server that may show up one day. Or the young man or woman that may show up one day, on my door step.I want to know for my daughter....


Me Wife
Him Husband
I want my fairytale back, now where is that fucking wand?

Posts: 857 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Ohio
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"We all have a moral obligation not to cause pain and degradation to others"

Does that statement include the OW causing pain and degradation to the BS and COM? Just wondering cause that isn't the vibe I'm getting here.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Domestic,

Still kind of tricky. If your H doesn't want anything to do with this situation, you maybe opening a can of worms. Are u trying to R? This could be a big problem in your relationship. Also if OW BH doesn't want DNA test, you probably would not have any legal standing to request it. There is another person on this board, I don't remember who they are from Florida, the H was shown to be the father but because OW was married her H was legal father and they denied him access to the child and the judge backed them up. I know he is trying to fight it, but last I heard he had no legal standing that is why I suggest you consult a lawyer.

I understand where you are coming from and that is one of the reasons I made contact with the 3 OC in my situation and I know that I have a step-brother out there somewhere and I wonder about him, but somethings are out of our control. Just give it some serious thought.

AuntCis: I agree the OW did not give me or my COM any concern when she was sleeping with my H for 10 yrs. and she babysat fr my kids and lived in my house at 1 point. I feel that for my situation, the OC are innocent and did not ask for the situation in which they were born. If CPS had not taken the OC we still would have done visitation and provided for them because that is what they deserve, but I am angry that I have to deal with someone I hate for the rest of my life because my H and she could not respect my marriage.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 5:23 PM, December 14th (Friday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does that statement include the OW causing pain and degradation to the BS and COM?
Absolutely it does!!!


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DD, like BMC said I think this is a sticky wicky. I am thinking what if you open this up and you are wrong...It is hard to retract an allegation of this magnitude.

If it was me...I think that I would appeal to OW for the truth as a woman and as a mother. I would tell her you concerns as you have told us here. If she continues to insist that her H is the father I would let it be. I would keep my eyes,ears and mind open to the possibility that it is still a possibility.

I wouldn't go to the stbx, If he is aware of the affair and the time frame, he can do the math or like so many others he just is not ready to accept the facts and may never. Either way your hand are tied.

If your gut still wont let it rest for you...I would let daughter know of the possibility... age appropriate of course.


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just had to get this out there,sorry if offends.

I love my husband. I forgive him for his affair,he is human he made a mistake. I think he is a great father. I support him in his decision to have NC with OC, it works for us. I don't think NC makes him a bad person or supporting him in that makes me a bad person. As we all say on this thread all our situations are different. I think people lumping all MM into one group is just as bad as other people lumping all OW into one group. And I disagree with the insinuation that I am morally wrong for supporting him in his decisions,I married him for better or for worse. So IMOP I would be morally wrong for turning my back on him. Not all MM are angels, but not all are devils either and to think that they are is hard for ME to wrap acceptance around.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AuntCis,

You do what is right for your family and I do what works for my family. To me neither is right or wrong it is what we can live with. The only people who did not ask for this situation is the BS and the COM and the OC.

Whatever way we choose to deal with the betrayal is a personal decision for each of us to make.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 5:46 PM, December 14th (Friday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BMC,

Thanks for being the person you are. You never have anything but helpful things to say,sometimes I feel as though you are the voice of reason . My thoughts and prayers are with you during this extra difficult time for you.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not offended in the slightest.

I respect your opinion as yours and your right to have it.


I love my husband. I forgive him for his affair,he is human he made a mistake.
to error is human I agree...but what these MM and OW made are more than the mistake of having an A. They make a baby! A living breathing human being with needs and feeling of it's own. In these stitches, what they make is a contributer to the future of our society.

I don't think NC makes him a bad person or supporting him in that makes me a bad person
I went back and did not see where I said bad people. I do think NC for any thing less that a situation of abuse is a "bad decision" compounding the bad decision to have an A in the first place.
I think people lumping all MM into one group is just as bad as other people lumping all OW into one group.
Again we agree. I do not think all mm are the same just as I don't think all OW are the same and I don't think all BS are the same.
And I disagree with the insinuation that I am morally wrong for supporting him in his decisions,I married him for better or for worse.
Auntic I think you are taking this conversation way too personally tailored to your particular situation and it is not. You can support your H in whatever you choose. You live your stitch. I only speak for me and MY beliefs.

MY BF was once an OW. I love her as a sister. When I found out I supported her....I supported her in ENDING what was to me a morally wrong, toxic situation. I too forgave her for her lapse in judgment, but I did not support her in what I knew was wrong & bound to have catastrophic consequences that could transcend generations.

Encouraging someone in doing the right thing no matter how hard, is supports. Encouraging someone in doing the wrong thing even when it is easier, is aide & abating. JMHO!

[This message edited by MYOC&ME at 7:07 PM, December 14th (Friday)]


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MYOC&ME,

I also respect your opinion and your right to have it. I guess you and I will just have to agree to disagree on some points. No hard feelings .

Auntcis


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
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