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User Topic: Other Child
anne181986
♀ New Member
Member # 12873
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to thank all of you for your support and advice. This is very very hard for me and like every morning, the first thing I have to do is pray for the lord to get me through the day thinking positively. Our court date is tomorrow and I will let you all know what happened. I'm just hoping that the online test was wrong but deep in my heart I know it's not. This woman is so hard to deal with. I'm having a hard time but at least I'm able to suck it up and deal with it. SHe just wants to act like I don't exist. Like I said before, she wants me to be completely out of the situation and for her and my husband to handle it. Everytime I think about what she wants, I get so angry. She has completely no respect for me and my family. She says "I don't know how comfortable I am with your wife being around my child..." I'm a freaking elementary school teacher. I'm probably the best person to be around her. I absolutely love children. How could she every think that I would hurt her child?? I think that she thinks that I have resentment towards the child because I don't have a child with him, but that's by choice. I'm on birth control because I want to get my master's degree before I have children. I can have a child anytime I want...IT"S BY CHOICE!!! Sorry ya'll, I just get so frustrated because this woman is the type of woman who thinks she's educated but in reality she's not, so she's so hard to deal with. Well that's enough venting for today..thank you for listening. Talk to ya'll tomorrow!

Posts: 18 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Atlanta, GA
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((anne))) No words of wisdom or advice,just wanted to wish you luck for tomorrow. Keep your chin up .


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
MYOC&ME
♀ Member
Member # 10539
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello ladies,

It seems that it is felt that I am insulting to the BS here and have bought this forum down with my beliefs.

If I have offended or added to anyone's pain here; know that WAS NOT by intention. I do appreciate that this is a painful stitch.

I offer my sincere apology to anyone of you that felt attacked by my posting here. That was not my intention.

I don't post here as an OW nor a BP. I post here as a concern mother,of my son's future because of this stitch.

Many of you have said that my situation is different. In looking at the relationship with MM...perhaps..but in looking at the fallout for my son it is totally the same. I cant fix this for the adult nor will I try. With that said perhaps I can't be as much support here as is needed. I do believe that I can make this better for my child and that is my focus.

I have decided to no longer post in this forum.
I have learn much here, and I am glad that I found this place for a time.

I wish each and everyone of you well and hope each of you find peace and joy for yourself and your families.

Happy Holiday
MyOc&Me


Decided today that how I got here is less important that what I do here.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Eastcoast
wblessed
♀ New Member
Member # 12797
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

anne

What you describe is typical, don't let it get to you. You and your h need to be united and make decisions for your family.

A woman (OW) who has already demonstrated dishonesty and untrustworthiness (sorry that is a fact, the wife has valid reasons to not trust the OW based upon the OW's actions) tries to cast a shadow on the trustworthiness of a woman (the wife) who has not demonstrated dishonesty or untrustworthiness.

It is all coming from within the OW, no outside evidence or indications of a valid reason to have a concern for safety of the child.
Just a desire to still be involved in the husband's life---and I can see where this is often true even if the affair is over---it is as if they want to hold onto some type of r with the husband, no matter how limited. When the OW continues to disrespect the wife and disrespect the marriage, she is the one throwing up road blocks for her own child.

Don't let her get to you, and be careful when you are upset with her antics NOT to take it out on your h. He betrayed you, yes, there is no excuse for that, but he has no control over the behavior of the OW, only she has control over that. Men don't think they will get caught and are not as selective in a mistress as they are in selecting in a wife because most of the time there is no intention to for any lifetime commitment.

It is the OW who needs to step up, and make an effort to demonstrate (actions not just words) that she is trustworthy enough to have any communication with the h without the wife present.

Maybe with time, and a united front with you and your h, this woman will get over it and move on, maybe not. There really is no way you can tell. The reality is that you have always existed and will always exist and that is what any OW that wants their child to have a r with a MM, MUST accept.

If you remain in your marriage, you must accept any child of your h's and be the best step-m you can be.

Talk to your h about how you will handle attempts of further intrusion by the OW, and come to an agreement and then when you have discussed it and have come to an agreement, you mostly have to ignore whatever stunts she pulls.

If you have made an effort to get along with this woman, and she has refused to do the same, there really is no more you can do.

God Bless You
Ann


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Eastern US
wblessed
♀ New Member
Member # 12797
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello ladies,
It seems that it is felt that I am insulting to the BS here and have bought this forum down with my beliefs.

If I have offended or added to anyone's pain here; know that WAS NOT by intention. I do appreciate that this is a painful stitch.

I do not know if you are offended by my posts or not, but I was not offended by yours, my intent was not to offend, but to communicate a perspective that I believe many OW do not see for whatever reason.

From the posts I have read, I do understand the logic you are expressing. But I also see things you are overlooking. I hope you will be able to extend kindness to your child's family and that peaceful visitation can be established, the sooner the better for your child's sake.

I don't post here as an OW nor a BP. I post here as a concern mother,of my son's future because of this stitch.

Your primary focus and priority should be the best mother you can to your child. I firmly agree with that.

Many of you have said that my situation is different. In looking at the relationship with MM...perhaps..but in looking at the fallout for my son it is totally the same. I cant fix this for the adult nor will I try.

The thing is... the fallout DOESNT HAVE TO BE THE SAME for your child. Don't try to fix anything for another adult. Swallow your pride (as any bs in this situation has had to do remaining in the marriage) and do your absolute best to make things better for your child. Dont allow the circumstances of conception to limit your child's access to his paternal family. And my original point in a previous post being.....the biological mother of a child should be more willing to sacrifice self interest for the sake of the child than a step mother should. A step-mother by the decision to remain in the marriage with contact has already made a concrete step. It isnt easy for ANY bs to integrate a child into her family under these circumstances and instead of appreciating that there is a visible attempt to try to integrate the child into the family by the step-mother, often it is viewed as a threat. If the wife was not willing to try, she would have already sent her husband packing, filed for divorce and moved on. Why, the OW is blinded, to the attempt made FOR THEIR CHILD to be integrated into the family, I dont know. Perhaps it is unaddressed guilt for what the OW has done. I honestly do not know.

With that said perhaps I can't be as much support here as is needed. I do believe that I can make this better for my child and that is my focus.

I have decided to no longer post in this forum.
I have learn much here, and I am glad that I found this place for a time.

I will see if I can figure out if I am able to PM this post to you. I am not familiar with all the features of this board. I respect your decision. I welcome the exchange of perspectives. And I encourage you to try, to establish peaceful visitation for your child, for your child's sake.

God Bless You
Ann



Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Eastern US
over&out
♀ Member
Member # 15779
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anne, it is important for you to realize that in MYOC's situation, the father does NOT want contac (that's how it is for most of us OW on here w/OC's ). Like she said, if he did, she would accomodate him. We can't make people do something that they have absolutely no interest in doing ... Just wanted to point that out.


Me: 33(FOW)My son: 1yr(OC)
Some actions,despite how wed wish to dismiss them,carry lasting consequences that cant be fixed by longing or the realization of the mistakes made. There is forgiveness, enough for all of us, but there is no forgetting

Posts: 187 | Registered: Aug 2007
usuallycoping
New Member
Member # 17404
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whoops sorry

[This message edited by usuallycoping at 3:47 PM, December 18th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 11 | Registered: Dec 2007
usuallycoping
New Member
Member # 17404
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey My oc
I am also in no way offended, I just think that things get turned around sometimes and that most mothers(not just ow) are guilty at one point or another of confusing their own interests with that of their child. we have to work our way past that.

this is why i think your different sitch might be relevant:
i think perhaps because you were unaware of the truth while making your choices
that you may have had the experience that all BS have had to accept, ie that this is a total loss of our control, shattered life plans, starting over from the ground.


To some extent my H has had this too. He ended up with a child he did not want to have, with a woman he would rather never speak to again.
and now he cannot have a true parenting relationship with both babies (b/c of distance, and that is why i say babies. at 8, 9 the quality of that r could be very different.)

i have had to learn through painful lesson about what i can and cannot control and ask myself tough questions about what is worth it to me- totally separate from my child and i have had to draw some personal lines.

i truly believe in our case (and seems like also in others) that ow really did not expect things to go the way they did, and has really not accepted it. as such she is acting out and trying to control things that she has no right to control and controling the only thing that she feels like she can- access to the child.

i recognize it because that was my reaction immediately after d-day- to try to control. but those of us who have felt that mind numbing loss of control from the outset (and i presume to add you to this number) find acceptance, generally, sooner.

i have boundries around what i will accept or not re. my h's contact w/the woman he had an affair with period. he thinks they are valid. before making these decisions by myself i had to accept that these choices could well have unfair and unintended consequences for my son. h had to accept that in choosing to do whatever nessesary to save out m, one or both of his sons might suffer some fallout.
she has accepted nothing and the only way to get past that is wait for her to get over it, imho. at this point she is knee deep in sanctimonious indignation.

i think that you are taking the part of people who may be coming at things from a totally different and motivations than you are yourself.

I just do not feel like it is my responsibility to ensure h's relationship with oc nor to sacrifice my bottom line so that he can do `whatever nessesary' to make the visits possible. he is not my child and i do not even know him at this point.

anyway i hope you do not think that you are causing me any pain or stress. i have enjoyed our back and forth. take care.



Posts: 11 | Registered: Dec 2007
dovey
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Member # 1614
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

blessed, i am touched by your kind words, thank you.

I never had contact with my dad's LTGF, she lived in another state and did not know about me until my dad and mom hooked up again and she got pregnant again when i was 4. My father was irate as my mom tracked LTGF down and told her to force my dad's hand. LTGF kicked my dad out and he moved in with us.

I wonder often if she had worked things out with my Dad how my life would be different. I understand she was a great lady, and my Dad never truly got over her.

Tragically, she died young of cancer. My dad was on his way to make amends(he joined AA)and she passed away before he got there. My Dad had remained in contact with her brother many years to keep track of her, and made amends to him and spent time at her grave and in therapy to work through his guilt.

I am not sure I can offer advice from a personal stance on how you should approach a relationship with ocs. As you see my dad went to my mom by default. Had he stayed with her(ltgf), I would have wanted to be part of their lives so I could know my dad and have some stability as i had little with my mom...and even less when my dad moved in. My parents were AWFUL together and my dad never got over his LTGF. (he was with her at least 7 yrs)

geesh...sorry I went on and on!

[This message edited by dovey at 6:02 PM, December 18th (Tuesday)]


Happily reconciled, finally! And afterward I'd feel like I'd been chewing on ashes:no matter how I'd try to spit it out, the bad taste remained. Sayo Masuda

Posts: 2390 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: north east
anne181986
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Member # 12873
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you wblessed for your advice and support. When we go to court tomorrow, we're going to be doing another DNA test with the mother included to make sure the online test is correct. My husband and I are dealing with the situation. Luckily my h is very good with handling my emotions and good with listening no matter how much I talk. Even though he's here to talk to, I love being able to come on here and speak with other WOMEN that are going through the same thing. Once we find out definately that the oc is his, we're going to sit down and talk about boundaries, rules, etc. We pretty much have everything decided: NC with OW unless I'm there, no going to see the oc over the ow house, and we're going to try and see if the ow will agree to letting us have Reagan (the baby) everyother weekend if not every weekend. I've seen a pic of the baby but I'm a little nervous to see her in person. I know that she looks just like my husband and it hurts to see him in her but I'm prepared to help and support my husband in having contact. Oh yeah, the ow has never met me. I wanted us to all meet once everything hit the fan but she cancelled at the last minute saying "I can't handle being around your wife right now, I don't want to fight or argue and I especially don't want anyone staring at me..." How can she claim that I'd act that way when she's never met me. Their one night stand lasted over a year ago, I'm not worried about being mad at her, I was trying to deal with this shit!! So after trying numerous times to meet with her, she never lets it happen. But I will be seeing her in court. Thank you so much. I will update tomorrow.

Posts: 18 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Atlanta, GA
wblessed
♀ New Member
Member # 12797
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dovey

thanks for sharing some of your life with me, I will be honest and tell you I have often wished the woman in my case would have been honest and done something similiar to what your mom did years ago.
Of course, this woman would not have to track me down, she knew exactly where I lived and knew a lot about me as her relatives knew my family. So often I hear OW say it isnt their responsibility to tell the wife, they arent married to her and if the affair has not resulted in a pregnancy I guess I would agree with that. However, I think it is the mother's responsibility to do right by her children. At a minimum I think a mother's obligation to the child is to file for cs and visitation. And then let it go from there, if the father steps up and has contact fine, if not fine, if he pays his cs fine, if not fine. Her priority should be being the best mother for you and doing her best that you dont carry any or at least to minimize the effect on you. I don't fault your mother for telling the ex-gf the truth, and I do believe it was the right thing to do. I am sorry for the pain you have experienced. And perhaps, your mother should not have allowed your father to stay in her home, if he was still focused on his exgf.

And from my personal experience I will share, the adultery (the physical act), it is not the most difficult thing to get over. It is the deceit, the who knows what would have happened if...there are so many what ifs...but I do believe that if the existence of a child would have been revealed---by whomever---the earlier the better for everyone, especially the child.

It is harder for me at least to take that my h, for 15 years, slept beside me shared his life with me, looked me in the eye each and every day, and did not tell me the truth about something as important as a child. My h confessed the affair one year after the fact and said it was a ONS and that was it, but he never mentioned a child.

I appreciate you sharing with me and I value your perspective.

God Bless You
Ann


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Eastern US
wblessed
♀ New Member
Member # 12797
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We pretty much have everything decided: NC with OW unless I'm there, no going to see the oc over the ow house, and we're going to try and see if the ow will agree to letting us have Reagan (the baby) everyother weekend if not every weekend.

Very fair and reasonable under the circumstances and this is similiar to what I had asked, except we never discussed any type of schedule. Because of the ages of the children, I knew it would have to be a very, very slow process to integrate them into our family.


I've seen a pic of the baby but I'm a little nervous to see her in person. I know that she looks just like my husband and it hurts to see him in her but I'm prepared to help and support my husband in having contact.

That will pass in time as you develop a relationship with her. With time and healing, instead of hurting, it will be a positive thing when you look at her and see your husband. Right now, you are still working on processing the betrayal. I have a picture of my step-son whom I am yet to meet on my desk at work and yes, it used to hurt to look at it, because there is a slight resemblence to my h, and I put a picture up of both children in our home and I do believe it did help in recovery, but my h took that one down. And now 2 years post d-day as I sit at my desk and look over at the 11 year old boy, there is no hurt, I see a child, I see my child and I pray for him.

Oh yeah, the ow has never met me. I wanted us to all meet once everything hit the fan but she cancelled at the last minute saying "I can't handle being around your wife right now, I don't want to fight or argue and I especially don't want anyone staring at me..." How can she claim that I'd act that way when she's never met me. Their one night stand lasted over a year ago, I'm not worried about being mad at her, I was trying to deal with this shit!! So after trying numerous times to meet with her, she never lets it happen.

I too on d-day asked for a meeting in a public place to try to determine how to proceed in the best interest of all the children involved and the OW wasnt interested in working anything out, she was only interested in talking to my h and wanted my h to come to her house to visit like before, as if nothing would change since I had found out. I really think the woman is in denial.

Court will be emotionally draining and physically exhausting but you will be fine.

God Bless You
Ann


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Eastern US
sparkle76
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Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heads-up to anne~ you said you will see the OW in court...just know that, most likely, you will not be allowed in the room for any proceedings. You can go to the court and wait in the waitng room or hall, but you will probably be told that you have to wait for your H to be done and come ack out. I'm telling you this because it personally angered me, and even my H, when the courts told me that I'm a "third party". Inside I was swearing to myself "she's the $#%&@*& third party, I'm his wife!" Even to this day I am bothered by the fact that OW and the courts think that I am "not involved", but it's something I've had to accept as a way of life. Make sure to bring a good book or something, to take your mind off things a little.

o and o~ ITA that with the sincere effort of all parties, it can be possible to have an ideal co-parenting relationship for OC. And you're right, that it doesn't happen overnight. The tricky part (for me anyway) is trying to sacrifice for the child's best interest....and being a doormat. I think I can objectively say that I tried VERY hard for at least the first three years of OC's life to be civil with OW, even when she kept giving me more than enough reason not to.

But after she told me something along the lines of "This is me, take it or leave it. I don't have to change for anyone, and I'm not going to. I don't have to do 'communication exercises', and I don't want to. If you want a mediator, then you pay for it".....I decided I'd had enough, and just wasn't going to bite my tongue anymore. In a way, I regret the way I was towards her for the first few years, because I feel I was walked on, and took it with a smile~ and to me, I feel I was being untrue to myself.

I thought about something that conveys a lot of my feelings on the OC sitch (the feelings toward OC, why I feel how I do about his mom etc.)~ you know when your kid(s) do something wrong, and they get all upset thinking that because you're angry about it that it means you don't love them? And you say "I'm not mad at you, I'm mad about what happened". That's along the lines of how I feel about OC, and what my FWH and I plan to tell him later in life~ that we don't hate him or blame him for anything. We just wish things had been different.

Someone (I forget who ATM) said how the hardest thing to deal with isn't the sex....it's the deceit. My feelings are exactly the same! I've told my H that I can understand what he says (even if I can't *personally* understand it) about being attracted, but some of the hardest questions I've asked him were "Why didn't you have sex with her before we got married then?", "Why did you try to make me think I was paranoid about you and her?" etc. I just couldn't stand the fact that they had thought me a fool, that they thought that what I didn't know *wouldn't* hurt me. As much as I would've felt bad about losing my soulmate, I think I could've dealt with it better if he'd officially broke things off with me and been with her for awhile....because at least that would have been honest. But he was being a cake-eater and giving me only half of a husband, and we can't go back and change it now. It just hurts to think about.

I know OC didn't ask for any of this. The very reason it is so hard to deal with sometimes is because there's the reminder that when they were conceieved, we were being lied to. We were at home not knowing what our husbands or LTP's were doing.

That being said though, dovey, I think you are quite a well-adjusted adult! Please keep posting...who can relate to "other child" better than someone who is one themselves?


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 241 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
kwash
Member
Member # 13957
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there. Sorry everyone is here. Someone posted way up thread that a court would be unlikely to order a DNA test if the mother waited too long. Would a court think 15 years with no mention of a pregnancy let alone a child to be too long? That's what we're dealing with.

Thanks.


Posts: 2178 | Registered: Mar 2007
wblessed
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Member # 12797
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kwash

Hi there. Sorry everyone is here. Someone posted way up thread that a court would be unlikely to order a DNA test if the mother waited too long. Would a court think 15 years with no mention of a pregnancy let alone a child to be too long? That's what we're dealing with.
Thanks.

It probably depends on the state laws, however I from what I know, I believe if one party files a petition to establish or deny paternity, the court orders the DNA test period and it doesnt matter if the mother or father objects, it is court ordered. The only time I think it matters, is that if a h and w were living together (not seperated at the time of conception) and the h is already the legal father of the child, his name on the bc, being raised by him, etc, I think an OM could not force a DNA test unless the wife was in agreement to have the test done.

And to any women here with a child conceived in adultery, I am very familiar with the advice given to bs on what the bs should do to make the woman feel more comfortable, etc... but I have a question....Since I have never and I seriously doubt I will ever hear a woman say I dont care about my child, I want to destroy your marriage and sleep with your h, what indicators do you believe would be present that the bs could look for in the behavior of an OW to determine if she is sincere when she says it is only about the child.

And what would be a safeguard you would recommend if you were the betrayed spouse, since there are a few of us here, that suprise, suprise, there are not one but two alleged step-c by the same woman. And specifically in my case, the woman says there is no relationship and never was a relationship with my h, she was a ONS, and she just wants my husband to be there for her kids. OK now how do I believe that when obviously she wasnt raped the second time she got pregnant, so what do you think would be a visible sign to a bs that perhaps the woman is sincere and what would you believe would be reasonable safeguards to prevent something from 'just happening' again.

[This message edited by wblessed at 3:40 PM, December 19th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Eastern US
anne181986
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Member # 12873
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, December 20th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sparkle76, I wish that I would've read your post before I went to court. You were right, I wasn't allowed to be in the room with them. I was highly upset when the court lady said "I only need to speak with your husband..." I was caught off guard because I was not expecting that. I'm his freaking wife!!! Well anywho, nothing really happened. We're going to do another paternity test but the place here only does them on mondays and the ow kept telling my husband how hard it was going to be for her to take a monday off. Sort of like saying," I don't know how I'm going to get off...it's going to be so hard for me...but do you think that you can buy this and buy that." I don't want to come off wrong but we shouldn't be doing anything until we definately know that Raegan is ours. Afterward, I'd love to buy diapers, formula, etc. So she's already trying to get over. I'm praying that the online test is wrong but there's no telling how long I'm going to have to wait to find out the truth since there's "no way" she can take off a monday. I do not want this crap on my mind any longer. AAAHHH!!!!! I'll keep you all posted!

Posts: 18 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Atlanta, GA
over&out
♀ Member
Member # 15779
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, December 20th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wblessed - I've finally had some time to read over all of your posts & get a better understanding of your situation. Unfortunately there are so many of us here, it get's confusing keeping everyone's storys straight, so I urge you and everyone else to put your general story in your profile that way it makes it less time consuming having to search through all these threads and put two and two together.

Your situation, quite frankly, stinks above all others on here. Why? Because you were kept in the dark for 15yrs! Not just one OC, but two to boot. I just can't imagine, and your husband and the OW have seriously almost ruined any chance of this situation working out positively. You made a statement in one of your posts that the earlier the OC & COM & step parents are "melted" together the better (for those of you with contact) and I couldn't agree with you more and I think that comment is most important to this situation working out. Your hubby and the OW should both be shot in my opinion! Your husband secretly visited this kids & the OW once again aided and abeted more deceit and you have every right to be pissed off! Your situation is one that I just can't fathom, nor can I offer any helpful information.

You never mentioned whether or not custody/visitation/child support went through the court? Did it? And if not, take some power back and take the OW to court. There is no reason, that after all this time (even since you found out) that you shouldn't be allowed around these children, nor that the children shouldn't be allowed in your home. I agree with you, you've bent over backwards and now it's time for you to put your foot down and take some control over this situation. The OW might get pissed, but I don't think she'd have a leg to stand on legally when it comes to trying to keep you from being around the children. To be blunt - I say FUCK her and what she wants!

If you don't take some steps now to rectify this situation, I'm afraid you're going to be living at the OW mercy for the rest of your life. Sit down with your husband, tell him you can't live being someone elses hostage anymore, and that you two must stand as a united front and put this OW in her place. Your husband needs to grow some balls and stand up for you!


Me: 33(FOW)My son: 1yr(OC)
Some actions,despite how wed wish to dismiss them,carry lasting consequences that cant be fixed by longing or the realization of the mistakes made. There is forgiveness, enough for all of us, but there is no forgetting

Posts: 187 | Registered: Aug 2007
wblessed
♀ New Member
Member # 12797
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, December 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks over&out for your perspective, I appreciate you taking the time to understand my situation in order to give relevant advice

however, I wasn't asking in regard to my situation, it was clear from day one, the surrogate in my situation, has never had any intention for her children to be integrated into our family and she has never had any concern for our children, either. It was expected that, there would be an immediate divorce following my d-day, and to be honest I actually figured there would be too, but I made the decision to not make such a critical life decision that would have an impact on our children's lives, until I had time to think about it and my emotions were at a more stable point. Regardless of whether, we remained married of divorced, because there are children involved (all the children), it has to be addressed as something that will have some type of impact the rest of our lives. I do appreciate your advice. The question I asked was more for a discussion for the bs here where the step-child is very young or has not yet been born.

In my post, I was asking for feedback from the OW with OC, what they believed---in general--- would be indicators a bs could look for in the behavior of the OW that may indicate sincerity about the true motive ONLY being the child, and what safeguards would they feel would be reasonable if they were in the position of the wife.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Eastern US
lostsahm
Member
Member # 17136
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, December 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need help. I don't know what to do.

My husband has just admitted to having affairs with several women simultaneously over the last year. I found out about the last one on Monday 12/17. Her cell phone was disconnected and I decided (stupidly) to go to her house. She told me she was pregnant. ABout 3 months. She will not "prove" to us that she is pregnant. I know that sounds unreasonable even to my ears, but she has just told so many lies, we are not sure what to believe.

So, I know that you can start paternity papers while the woman is pregnant, but can you legally ask her to so a dna test while she is pregnant.

I feel like I am dying inside. I have a 6 month old baby. He started cheating after we found out I was pregnant (it was planned). I can think of nothing else except the affairs and now the OC. I cry all the time.

I don't know what to do. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I have four children from a previous marriage, so I don't feel as though I can leave.

Please help me.


"Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 834 | Registered: Nov 2007
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, December 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to say welcome to this rotten club, lostsahm. There's lots to read on this thread--a lot helpful I think. Our situations are all a little bit different, but the pain and heartache is the same for all of us. It's a good support place.

Does your H want to reconcile? Tell us a little more about your situation--I think you might have to wait til after the baby's born to do DNA, at least more easily and inexpensively. And as much as possible, NC with the OW is important.

There are some FAQ/BS in the Healing Library which will give you some info too.

Lots of hugs and support.


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