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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Other Child
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UTBL,

I say this with as much kindness as I can, if he can say that to you he is not remorseful at all and you have a very slim chance at R. You would just have his body there, but it would not be the marriage that would make you happy or be healthy for your child. You have to ask yourself if you want to settle for that just to keep him?

I told you before you an get as much advice as you can on here, but only you know what you can live with. It is your pill to swallow is it worth it? Check into Florida laws and find out your rights, just for your protection, you can ask Dust Florida has been a mess uh Dust? The sooner the better, they take a can take a long time to do things.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 9:01 PM, January 24th (Thursday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
dust to dust
♀ Member
Member # 12583
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he is willing to leave the marriage and not work on things, then it just shows he doesn't really care. As much as you want him to, would you really want to be in a half relationship where you are the only one who is working on your M? If thats the case, then I guarantee you will get burnt out. Its ultimately up to you though. If you feel you can still hang in there and try to make it work, then give it all you've got.


dday 1- september 06, he was having a three month affair.
dday2- april 1st 2008, six months after oc was born, h finally came clean about everything.
Present day- trying to R again.

Posts: 1532 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: florida
usedtobloved
♀ Member
Member # 10967
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i guess i really have to go 180 on him.


"Love is a fire.
But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house,
you can never tell."

DDAY 01/06 - "BitchSlapMe"


Posts: 3821 | Registered: Jun 2006
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, January 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't really add more to what BMC0415 and Dust to dust have said,they are both very wise women. Just wanted to send you hugs and well wishes while you make some very tough decisions. Remember we are all here to listen if you need us.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
firstandthird
♀ Member
Member # 17022
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, January 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"that's the problem, he is willing to leave the marriage if i oppose any of his demands"

I feel like you should know that you and your children are really the only ones in a position to be making demands. He chose to do this to YOU, not the other way around. Will he at least consider some form of MC? Hang in there, I'm very sorry you're going through this.


Me: BS 26
Him: WS(ONS) 27
Wedding Day: Mar 17, 2007
ONS: Sept 4, 2007
OC born: May 22, 2008
Nov 25, 2008: Found out the OC is not his!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: ohio
dust to dust
♀ Member
Member # 12583
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, January 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lol BMC is right. I have so much information on this crap for the Florida state that its not even funny. I do agree with you, I think in this case the 180 would be best.


dday 1- september 06, he was having a three month affair.
dday2- april 1st 2008, six months after oc was born, h finally came clean about everything.
Present day- trying to R again.

Posts: 1532 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: florida
lmacdonald
♂ New Member
Member # 17700
Question  Posted: 12:54 PM, January 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, my wife found out sheís pregnant after cheating on me. We have seen a MC twice but I cancelled on the last appointment because I just didnít want to sit through it. Iíve had more time to think by now and to really consider reconciliation or divorce. She really is making an effort and doing EVERYTHING the therapist said she had to do like no contact with OM and being honest and answering my questions when I do feel like talking and she swears she wants us to R. I was sure that I did too but that was before the kid. I keep thinking that even though I feel like I canít trust her I canít really bear giving up on our marriage without at least trying. But sheís pregnant. I had a vasectomy because we decided we wouldnít have kids. Neither of us liked them. Now sheís pregnant but Iím still basically the same person. Iím 45. I like our life without children and I always thought I was very lucky that I found a woman that felt the same way abotu kids that I did. I feel like such an asshole for feeling this way, but I donít want to raise a kid at my age and I canít even imagine any kind of arrangement where OM gets to visit or be in our lives more than he already has been. I asked her what she wanted to do and she says she doesnít know. I didnít say anything about abortion which I know sheís considering because I think itís unfair for her to feel thatís the only way Iíll consider working on our marriage but honestly itís what I wish she did. I feel horrible because I keep hoping sheíll miscarry after I read this article online about how many pregnancies end up in miscarriage in the first trimester. I keep reading here about all these couples who made it work but they all had other kids or liked them and I donít. Iím venting which the forum says Iím not supposed to do but I canít help it. I know itís not productive but I still want to just turn back time.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Florida
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, January 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First Lmacdonald I am so sorry that you are going thru this. I am not expert by any means but going this and talking to others on here has given me some perspective.

Children are innocent no matter who is their parent and they deserve everything that children deserve to have in life. You really need to look into yourself and see if you could provide those things. It is hard enough when it is your own child but when the child does not belong to you it is 10 times harder.

I am personal against abortion but I know people who have done it and I don't hold it against them because for their lives it was what was best for them.

Some food for thought if your decide to R. In the State of Florida the husband is the Legal father of any child conceived during the marriage. So you really need to look into the situation because if you do decide to R and raise the OC the other man may not have any say so. Possible even if you divorce so, please look into Florida law concerning paternity.

I feel so sorry for you, but at least you know before you have an OC to deal with I just found out and they are 9,4,4. Whatever you do decide to do, the only thing I can say is be honest with your feelings with your wife. People so often dance around the subject and don't handle it straight on until it is too late.

Only you know what you can live with.

Good Luck to you.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, January 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Imacdonald, I'm so sorry you're here. I'm still waiting for the child in question to be born in our case (I don't think it's my husbands', but the OW won't go away so I'm waiting). Just my opinion, but here goes....I have three stepkids, two of whom live with me. I went into this marriage knowing this, and to be honest, I can't wait until they leave most of the time. They are not mine; I do love them, but sometimes I don't like them at all. Despite our best efforts there are still times in our house when it's "yours against mine". That said, you are in a tough spot. You have obviously made it clear that kids are not in your plan. If it were your own kid, would you still feel the way you do? If your vasectomy failed, would you reconsider? If not, and if she's sure she wants to keep it (adoption is always an option), this will make your R even harder. Trying to R after an affair is difficult enough as it is; now you're facing re-evaluating your life as you know it/planned it. Please take the time to seriously consider your options and their consequences. Keep in touch. And don't make apologies for how you feel. I wished our OW had had a miscarriage, or was lying about being pregnant in the first place. I wished I could push her in front of a bus, too. Good luck.

[This message edited by redvixen at 4:43 PM, January 27th (Sunday)]


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, January 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PATERNITY TEST ARE IN!!!!

I called the CPS lawyer just to make sure that the results are back for tomorrow.
I did not expect him to tell me over the phone. The 9 yr. old is my H the 4 yrs. twins are NOT!!!!

I called my H I just could not keep it to myself.

He is so blown!!! All he could keep saying was oh man, oh wow!

That is what he gets!!!

I will be apply to be their foster mother. i already love them, but now I can look at them wihtout so much hurt in my heart.

How does he feel about her now!!!

I can wait to see her face tomorrow, what does the credit card commerical say, priceless!


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, January 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BMC--wow!! What a revelation. I'd also love to see her face when she's told. You sound like this will make it easier for the whole situation for you--I'm glad.

lmacdonald, sorry to see you here. Whatever your W's decision is, good luck to you. Don't be sorry for your feelings--I too wished OW had chosen abortion, it would have made things easier--but working on your marriage will be paramount no matter what way you two go. Keep us posted.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
marysway
Member
Member # 5388
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW BMC just WOW! Ya know you are still a remarkable woman girl. It would be so easy for someone to say hey I'll take care of ours...but the others so sorry but.......and you are still applying to be there fostor mother. I say you are those kids gaurdain angels girl. Without a doubt. there angel!!!!


Marysway

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

- M


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Over here somewhere
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Content  Posted: 6:11 AM, February 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to breathe a sigh of relief. My FWH and I got our taxes done the other day and our accountant didn't have to call us to tell us that OW tried to claim OC again. Two years ago we had a HUGE tax mess cause we found out that OW had been claiming OC on her taxes ever since we moved from the state they live in. It took so long for the IRS to figure it out cause we live so far away from OW/OC. I hope they gave it to OW good,cause she knew that my H has the right to claim OC every year as per court order and she didn't try claiming OC until after we moved out of state. Any way, just wanted to share a positive thing that happened for a change .


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
Sumi
♀ New Member
Member # 17495
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, February 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I could share some positive news. I can't yet, but I'm hopeful my day will come!

BMC - I am FLOORED! I just logged in today and saw your post. That is unbelievable after everything you've been through.

Auntcis - so glad to hear that there's a bit less mess for you to go through at least on that end.

Lmacdonald - I'm sorry to meet you here, but I encourage you to come back often and share your story. It helps to talk about it with a group of supportive people.

My update - well, H went to see OW (baby was born in January) and OC for the first time and he did go without me at the end of the day. Said that he felt "odd" because he really had no bond with this child. But he did hold it and it turned my stomach when he said it looks a bit like him. In many ways I'm glad that I did not have to be there and in many others I am disappointed that he can't stand up to OW for us and include me in his life.

She is still refusing to do a paternity test. Says it makes her feel like H thinks of her as a "tramp" (her words)

Since his decision making has been excluding my opinions and feelings, I'm taking a hard 180 position. "Do what you want, and we'll see if this relationship can survive it."

I am often angry as her feelings are taken to be more important than mine, all because of the cost of going through court -- which she won't request *if* H does everything she wants (like NOT doing a paternity test and like NOT having me present during his visits...)

H argues that we don't need her approval for the paternity test. We simply wait until she lets him take the child on his own, then take a swab and send it in.

It's all so very frustrating and the worst part is that it takes the focus away from dealing with the infidelity issues, which ultimately will determine if we can R or not...

aaaargggh *^^&$#


DD - Nov 23, 2007
Kids 15 + 13 + 2
OC - born Jan 2008
Trying to work it out

Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Canada
SadMommie
♀ Member
Member # 17718
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, February 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone!!!
I am scheduled to meet the OC on the 8th. I am already a nervous wreck!!! I just don't know how to feel. I am scared, hurt, angry etc, etc, etc. I know this little baby is innocent but I can only see the OW in the pictures of him. WS wants contact with the OC. He feels it is unfair not to have contact with OC but I am not sure that I can handle this. The OW won't go away. She keeps trying to have my H watch the OC so she can go on a "date" but then continues to proclaim her love for my H. She keeps placing little digs about me on her MySpace page. She is convinced that they will one day have a "happy little family" Our MC has told my H what he needs to do to make her leave us alone but he feels bad about doing it!!!????? How do I deal with all this????


Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu


Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, February 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Sadmommie--that first meeting of OC is really hard--all the emotions and thoughts that go through your head, the living reminder of the cheating, the knowledge that this kid is around forever, the hatred for OW--such a difficult, sad time. And you will get through it.

We have limited contact cuz of distance, but OW does try to insert herself in ways that scream to me as well that she still has the fantasy of one little happy family with H and OC. H has set some limits, mostly involving calling OC from home with me present, he and I visiting OC together when we do see him, and trying to do as much by email as possible. But he also "feels bad" about being too confrontational--like refusing her calls unless it's an emergency! If you've read any of my posts, you'll see the ups and downs of having a non-confrontational H and a crazy OW!

But first things first--to get through meeting OC. You already know in your head that this in as innocent child, and you will treat him as such--don't be ashamed or afraid of whatever thoughts you have inside your head--your actions will be adult and welcoming to this little person. And if you burst into tears, your H can comfort you. It does get a little bit easier the more visits you have with OC.

You didn't say if it will be with OW present--my first meet with OC she was there--didn't want me to carry him around or touch him, just talk to him while H had him. It was not fun, to say the least. But all subsequent visits have been just H and I taking OC out for the day. And that's better.

Breathe, count on your H for support and understanding of how devastating this is, breathe!!

How old is OC, BTW? I'm assuming he's an infant?

Asking H to watch OC while she goes on a date is very weird--visitation is usually on a set schedule and not for the convenience of the custodial parent and her social life!! Are you going through the courts?


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
SadMommie
♀ Member
Member # 17718
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for all your good advice. I feel so alone sometimes.
The OC is 7 weeks old. My H has contacted his attorney and is following her advice concerning support and visitation. Right now visitation is only for about 30 minutes a couple times a week at the babysitters (neutral place). Other than that my H doesn't see him. The MC said that we should not be an on-call sitter for her. When the OC is with his mother then she makes all arrangements and vice versa. That seems fair and logical to me. Thanks again. I feel much better.


Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu


Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
tryin24give
♀ New Member
Member # 15821
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Meeting the OC for the first time nearly killed me. But the OW was not there. We knew that the baby was his and I needed to see her. But if you read my profile, we now have custody of the little one and things are working out great. Once I got over the feelings of hurt and betrayal and realized that this is not her fault, she is innocent. This poor child went through hell the first year of her life, mother a coke addict, on more medication then i can name, mutliple suicide attempts and just downright neglect. I know we are doing the right thing for all of us. She is now my baby too. I think it's odd, the OW wanted my husband, and yet, I have my husband and her daughter. Karma is a bitch.

[This message edited by tryin24give at 5:10 PM, February 1st (Friday)]


Me: 29
Him: 28
Children: D-3, S-18mnths, D-22mnths
D-Day- March 2007

Posts: 32 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: PA
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, our OW had her baby on Tuesday. She was induced, supposedly because she was retaining water too much, two weeks before her due date. She called the office to say she'd be in next weeks; presumably to show off her little bundle. Her boyfriend now seems to claim this little girl - I wonder if they'll still do the paternity test they supposedly took blood samples for a coupld of months ago. I hope we never hear/see her again, but I think she'll try to come back to work, and I'm afraid she'll try again to entice my H. Though I'm pretty sure he's completely over her, I still can't feel 100% comfortable.

BMC, OMG!! Wow, I am so glad you insisted on those paternity tests! What a feeling those results must have given you. Please share her reaction with us.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, February 2nd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW did not even show up for the court date. So she doesn't know that we know the truth.

My H does want to tell anyone. We were given temporary custody and I will be applying to be their foster mother.

Sumi, please feel free to share my story with your H. Not to protect OW, but he should explain that the OC has no legal father and should be protected if it is his or not. Explain to him that he should not accept her word for this, look at my situation.

Sadmommie, I know it is going to be hard on you, but just remember that the OC is innocent and did not ask to be here. Sounds like your H is going about it the right way as far as thru legal means, and that makes all the difference.

25Wimsey, that is good news. It is just another thing we have to go thru.

Red Vixen, I am wishing the same thing for you that you do not have to deal with OW again.

LADIES, I ENCOURAGE YOU ALL THAT ARE DEALING WITH A PATERNITY SITUATION TO FEEL FREE TO SHARE MY STORY WITH YOUR SPOUSE.

Even though one of the OC is my H's, 2 of them are not and he based most of his decisions and actions on that for the past 5 yrs. Protect your families.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
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